Once Upon a Razorblade
Disclaimer: I own no part of Yu Yu Hakusho.
Part One: Eternally Asking Why
Chapter Five: Watch Me Die
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Here I am, among the trees that grow so close to Master Genkai's temple. I feel so at home amongst these powerful creatures that surround me…
Sometimes I just want to give up living. I want to forget everything around me and slip into a deep slumber, never to wake again. I simply want to die.
I never felt these things so deeply, so fully as I do now.
Death...
The very word is sweet on my tongue.
I am through with it all. I am through with the deception, with the pain, with the sorrow. I am through with it.
The darkness, the wonderful darkness that death offers to me...
...I am drawn to it.
I am drawn to death. I simply want it to come for me. I want it to consume me. I want it to take me away from all of this. Gods, how much I want death to claim me.
I'm so tired. I'm so tired of this life, of this plan, of all of it. I want out, and there is no other way. My other way of coping with the world, with life in general, stopped helping me a long time ago.
Cutting--self-mutilation--doesn't work anymore.
I'm so tired of the doubts and fears, of the unattainable goals, of the disappointments, and of the nightmares.
So what if there is no honor in suicide? I can't stand it. I love the feeling of sweet, sweet death, descending upon me. I love the way that all of my feeling simply dims away. I love the way that the cold rushes in on me, like a bird—a crow, perhaps—swooping down on its prey.
As my eyelids grow heavier, I can't help but feel that beautiful feeling of happiness as it rushes into my heart.
The ties that bind me to the mortal realm have been severed. All I feel is the sharp wind against my cheeks. I love the darkness. I love death.
I can almost see Botan now…
"What are you doing?!"
The voice is so far away that I almost don't hear it. I don't want to hear it, either, because it is simply a part of what I was trying to escape.
"What are you doing?! What?! Kurama, you stupid, stupid, fox!"
I can feel the sensation of a punch, a hard one, being thrown against my cheek.
Stimulus: pain. Response: my eyes snap open.
No...
Yuusuke stands above me.
I hate him.
Why take me away from something I love? Why? Just leave me alone. Leave me to deal with my problems. Just leave.
I close my eyes once more. Maybe he'll just leave.
"STUPID!"
I wait for the blow that surely follows that statement, and sure enough, it hits me. This time, I am prepared, and I don't flinch, instead sinking deeper and deeper into my bliss.
"What happened?" Kuwabara asks softly.
"He slit his wrist, that stupid bastard," Yuusuke answers.
Their voices become faint, so faint.
Will I finally be free? Will I finally be free? I can hardly dare to hope.
"Can't we help him?!"
No! I curl over onto my side, a sign that I don't want them to do anything-nothing at all.
"Hn. If he wants it so badly, let him have it. Hypocritical bastard," Hiei mutters. "Coward. He runs away like a frightened mouse."
...What?
A frightened mouse? I am a youko-
Ah. He tries to provoke me.
"Get his mother."
What?! No! No, she can't see me like this! She wouldn't be able to bear it.
Will she be able to bear the fact that he son committed the worst sin possible-suicide? Will she be able to bear the fact that I am so unhappy, so tired of it all...?
She will think it's her fault.
Why? Why can't it just be simple? Why can't I just die, not thinking of the consequences? Why?
"No..."
"'No' what?" Hiei taunts.
"Don't..."
"She has a right to see her selfish 'son' cower in his self-pity like the weak fool he is," he spits out at me, venom in each and every word.
"Hiei!" Yuusuke and Kuwabara shout at him.
"I will do it."
I crack my eyes open only the slightest bit and find the crimson eyes that are so fiercely focused on me. And I find that he will do it, if only to save me.
Why? Why save me when his own soul needs salvation as well?
"Why...?"
"Hn."
The threat never leaves his eyes, and I feel the urge to smile, to laugh at this cold-hearted demon. I want to laugh at him, if only to let out the hysteria that rises to the surface of my being.
So I give him a smile, small and sardonic.
Fine.
I will play your game, Hiei. Except, when I gather my energy, I find...
Fate is a fox, tricky and sly and cruel.
And now, she has stolen my last ounce of energy away.
So when I actually want to heal myself, to escape from death, I no longer can.
"...Too late..."
And then I fall down, down, down, into the abyss they call death...
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End Part One: Eternally Asking Why
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Author's SpaceCliffhangers are not an abomination. They are an art. But if you thought this was the end, you've got another thing coming, because we've got a long way to go.
Candy for anyone who catches the allusion to Karasu.
Next Chapter: Chapter Zero: Interlude. I'm going to warn you now, though: the next chapter is really short and may seem pointless.
Review. Remember my C2 policy. Thanks so much for reading up to this point.
Love,
Fluorescent
Thanks To:
samuraiduck27
All names r taken—I know. I had to take this story to school in pieces because my friend couldn't handle reading them all at once.
sakurasango
Kodaijin Hiei—That's all right. Thanks so much for your help!
Darkrose—Yeah, me, too. When I compare this with my diary entries… it's scary.
Kyoka
Kurama's Angel—Coolness. I try poetry every so often, but I'm not particularly fond of how it comes out. Ah, well.