Dedications for this chapter go to blackrose kitsune for the invaluable help andTaisuke Harakiri for the wonderful ego-stroking.

Once Upon a Razorblade

Disclaimer: I own no part of Yu Yu Hakusho. But steal my plot and you will suffer.

This author also does not in any way condone self-mutilation (cutting). Please do not take this work of fiction as an indication of such.

Part Three: Waltzing Through Eternity

Chapter Four: Save the Day Syndrome

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It isn't 'nothing to worry about'. It's something which, ordinarily, I would worry about immensely.

And though this isn't 'ordinarily', I do worry the slightest bit.

My mother was warned about this when she first found out about the illness and about the medicines I had been prescribed. However, she had also been told that it was nothing to worry about.

There are conflicting chemicals in the two different medications that I take: the one that targets the pain and symptoms of my illness, and the anti-depressant. And therefore, I've been taken off the anti-depressant for an indefinite amount of time.

"But surely - surely, doctor - there's another brand that doesn't - "

"I'm sorry," I hear the woman say as I eavesdrop just outside the door. This is becoming quite a habit... "There are certain chemicals that are similar in all medicines pertaining to depression because the receptors involved with hormones and chemicals are extremely specific. We don't know which one is reacting badly with the - "

"But - "

"I'm sorry. As it is, your son has barely a year. Mixing these two medicines could have the adverse effect of shortening that span tremendously."

The room within is deadly silent. I almost don't catch what comes next.

"I just don't want him to suffer again. I don't want him to do anything to himself again."

---

"I don't want him to do anything to himself again."

I didn't realize that the past few weeks were a respite from the heavier feelings I've carried around. I didn't realize that I felt better, if only a little. I didn't realize it. Such is the subtlety of an anti-depressant, I suppose.

I'm at school, in the middle of a lunch alone.

My finger brushes the inside of my forearm as I remember that bliss I used to feel after cutting.

I can barely bring myself to breathe. This smothering, heavy feeling has settled over me, and I just don't… don't want to move. It feels like one small misstep and the entire weight will crush me.

"I don't want him to do anything to himself again."

Those words are the only things that are keeping me from finding something sharp - anything - and tearing into my skin with the fury of a wild person.

"May I ask what you're doing on the roof?"

I don't turn.

"Not that it actually matters to me, of course, but the rest of the world is on a rampage to figure out where you've gone."

I don't want to turn.

"Just thought you might want to know."

I just want to stay. Here. In the shadows, where I would like to think no one can see me.

"Kaitou."

"Hm?" He turns back to me, his hand pausing above the handle on the door leading down from the roof.

"Do you have a pencil sharpener, by any chance?"

He pushes his thick glasses up to the bridge of his nose.

"And I suppose I should hand you a screwdriver, too? I like my school supplies in one piece and unstained with blood, thank you very much."

I laugh low in my throat.

"It was worth a try."

"No, it wasn't. Save your energy for other things, Kurama. Like telling Yuusuke Urameshi to get away from the school gate and go back to his own Territory."

I raise an eyebrow at his choice of words before peering over the edge of the roof to find that, indeed, Yuusuke is at the gate, possibly bullying a younger student to come and get me.

I sigh and stand, smiling and waving farewell to Kaitou.

"What about your lunch?" he calls after me, referring to the untouched food I've left behind.

"Take it."

---

"…Hey."

That is the only reaction that my presence elicits from Yuusuke.

"Hello, Yuusuke."

He is silent for a long few moments, his fists tightening at his sides.

"Perhaps you could inform me as to what your purpose is here before the end of lunch bell rings?"

Silence. Then he responds, and the response is quite unexpected.

"What am I supposed to do?"

I school my face into an impassive mask.

"You cut class to ask my advice on…. what, exactly?"

He ignores that and continues.

"What am I supposed to do?" he repeats, voice strained. "There's always something. There's always some – fucking – way to help you or save you or something, dammit."

"Yuusuke – "

"What do I do?"

I sigh.

"You can't save everyone, Yuusuke – least of all someone with a terminal disease."

"But – "

"No."

His eyes finally meet mine, strong and fierce and hard.

"We can ask Koenma. He'll – "

"I'm quite overdue for death, Yuusuke."

Another sigh.

"I don't want to be saved. Understand that, please, Yuusuke."

"You can't be serious," he whispers.

"I am," I reply firmly.

He sags suddenly, giving a bitter snort and sitting down with his back against the fence.

"You're one stupid bastard, you know that? Damn stubborn, too."

I half-smile sardonically and crouch in front of him.

I'm sorry, I want to say.

But am I?

---

Author's Space

Oh, the way Destiny's screwing him over this time around... I love Kurama. I do. But I'm not sorry.

Save the Day Syndrome is a poem on FictionPress by T. Michelena. It has almost nothing to do with the chapter (and this chapter has almost nothing to do with it) but you might want to check it out. Address (take out spaces, add punctuation): www (dot) fictionpress (dot) com / read (dot) php ? storyid (equals) 1808369

Soundtrack: Waltz of the Flowers from the Nutcracker ballet. I love it dearly. Also, Stay Together for the Kids, by blink-182 on Take Off Your Pants and Jacket.

Ack… New York is incredibly humid and muggy and my wrist aches like you wouldn't believe. But I'll do the responses now…

Thank You!

Bluespark, ineXpressible, KyoHana, samuraiduck27, GreenEyedFloozy, Insane Chipmunk – Ah. You have no idea how much I adore you for your constant support of this fic. My intense gratitude to all of you.

Niana Kuonji – Ah, I still haven't gotten around to putting it up somewhere… It'll probably be on my LJ, though. I'll send you the link once I finally do… And you hit the nail on the head! Medicine complications! You're one of the only ones who figured it out… Good for you!

Kooriya Yui – Ah. My brain did that, too, after I wrote it (about… three months ago?), since I wasn't quite sure what I was doing… :sheepishgrin: Ack… I'm incredibly bad at planning stories out…

Kuramafan-06 – I really, really want to start watching FMA, but I'm always too busy… I saw most of the first episode, though! Uh. Well. I'm going into L'Arc withdrawal because The Anime Network took them off… I hope they put up Rewrite next, though!

Tenshi No Koori – Ah. Well, you didn't see it because I didn't write it in. The scene takes place right after he's put the blade to his skin, meaning that he's really just sitting there and waiting to die…

GoldenKitsuneHime13 – Uh. You're welcome? Thanks:shrug: I was really depressed when I started reading this. Now? I'm not so depressed. It's therapy, I guess, both to write and read it, ne?

A lilmatchgirl – :laugh: Can't argue with you on that – guess we're both shallow, then, ne?

SunStar Kitsune – Uh. No. Ice cream had no involvement in the matter (as you could see from reading the chapter…). But… Uh… Good guess…?

Kuranga108 – Yay! You hit it right on the head! Ghost wound was a really, really good idea, though… (Why didn't I think of that?)

DemonUntilDeath – Ah, well, now you've got that little piece of Kaitou conversation! Uh… I think I made too big a deal out of it, though… Well, I can't really complain about my school letting out late… It's the price to pay for going to smart-people school… :sob: And… What would you say if I told you that I don't need any more time to write because I've already finished this story…:winkwink:

blackrose kitsune – Thank you so much for your invaluable help!

Evil Demon – Ah… But telling you what happens to Kurama would defeat the purpose of writing this fic, wouldn't it:laugh: Morbid? Ah, I get that a lot…

crYstaL – Uh. I… I really don't know how I should take that. That was certainly not my intention, but… Uh… I think I'll take that as a compliment… :nervouslaugh:

Taisuke Harakiri – :blinkblink: …I love you. Really. I almost broke down sobbing when I read your review. Yes, I agree that most Kurama darkfics are just so… incredibly OOC that I want to shut down my computer but end up reading on in a sort of morbidly curious trance… Ah. I started out as a KuramaxHiei girl, but then I just sort of morphed and went crazy. I've got way too many alternate pairings under my belt… About my writing style: Hee. Did I mention that I love you? Really. Thank you so much.

Mmph. So go review. I, personally, am going to goeat General Tso's and lo mein and egg rolls...

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