Once Upon a Razorblade
Disclaimer: I own no part of Yu Yu Hakusho. But steal my plot and you will suffer.
This authoress also does not in any way, shape or form condone self-mutilation (cutting) as a solution for depression.
Part Three: Waltzing Through Eternity
Chapter Five: Sidewalks
--♫--
As the rain pours down from the sky, I run.
Where to? I have no idea.
From whom? No one.
Why, then? Again, I have no idea.
My awareness is simply in the water that drenches me and the concrete beneath my feet. The cold, grey sidewalk, cracked and uneven, is the center of my attention. Tree roots, gnarled and undoubtedly old, poke out in odd places and provide an uneven ground.
I just want to run away from everything – from my mother, from my step-family, from my schoolmates, from my friends, from my problems.
Running away from time – now, I wish that were possible.
I'm so stupid.
Why am I running? It's inevitable that I'll have to stop, and once I do, then everything will come crashing down on me like a thousand pounds of solid brick. Wouldn't it just be better for me to quit now?
My body doesn't feel like listening to my rational mind, though. It just wants to keep up this process until I collapse. And to tell the truth, I really don't see what's wrong with that.
But I tire soon – too soon, actually. It's been like this for a week or two now. I'm not supposed to be getting so weary, that is what my brain tells me, because I happen to be better conditioned than this. I'm used to running long, long distances with ease. But now... I've barely run a mile, and I'm so tired that suddenly, I'm flying onto the pavement.
This cold, wet, grey, cracked pavement.
I flop onto my back and stare straight into the onslaught of rain. There is no thunder or lightning, simply freezing cold rain beating against my body.
It numbs me and makes me feel so, so good.
I had to stop going to school a week ago. Mother was too afraid to let me go back. I don't see what she's so worried about, however. The nurse is fully qualified to take care of any situation that might arise. But I don't want to trouble my mother any more than I already have. I still feel a bit guilty, I suppose. I keep so many secrets from her that I just don't have the strength to reveal to her. I debate constantly about whether it is better to have a happy mother – meaning, one who lives in complete ignorance – or a mother whose entire world is shattered by the truth.
Half of the time, I decide it doesn't matter.
I'm not going to last through the next few months, anyway. No matter what anyone else says, I know the truth in my heart. I'm going to die.
Oh, well.
Others might say that I give up too easily. My negativity is my undoing.
But they know as well as I do that it is simply the truth.
"Hey! What the hell are you doing!" I hear someone shout at me. I slightly lift my head up off of the sidewalk. It's Yuusuke.
I lay my head back down.
How did he find me here?
"C'mon, get up!" he says, and bends down to try and drag me up. I simply shrug him off.
"I will get up. You need not worry."
He simply stares at me. And I simply shift my gaze to the sky.
I do believe he's been worried since I told him I didn't want to be saved. I think he took it as a sign I would be willing to attempt suicide once again.
Which, of course, is completely right.
Slowly I lift myself up, the shaky feeling in my arms a reminder of the illness that has been sapping at my strength. My knees are scraped and bleeding where I fell.
"I'm all right, Yuusuke," I assure him, turning to see his overly concerned and suspicious expression. He is obviously not convinced, but still shakes his head and turns, his fingers latching onto my arm as he does so.
"Whatever," is his reply. "I'll walk you back home. Could you do something about that blood, though? Your mother's going to freak out and kill me."
My mother would do no such thing, as he well knows, and would undoubtedly forgive him. I believe she likes him, probably for the fact that he is the one who has dragged me home from my last two excursions.
He turns back to glance at me.
"Shit. Where's your umbrella?"
"I didn't bring one. The rain caught me completely off-guard," I admit, blinking against the raindrops.
Yuusuke curses again.
"I really hate it when you pull stupid crap like this, you know that?"
--♫--
She is angry. Or maybe she's simply worried or relieved or something else of that general nature.
Either way, my mother stands before me, pacing a worn trail in the wood floor parallel to my bed, her voice raised at me for the first time. Well, probably not the first time, but the first time in a long while.
"Never, ever do that again, do you hear me, Shuuichi? Don't – don't scare me like that!"
I keep my teeth firmly clamped on my tongue. This strange anger has been rising in my throat and chest, probably in response to her own. I hate being scolded like this, but I will sit through it.
"Do you have any – any idea how I felt when you didn't come home and Yuusuke couldn't find you at first?"
When Yuusuke couldn't find me…? Did she… call Yuusuke? Is that how he has been able to find me lately?
Doesn't she trust me?
No. She probably doesn't.
The revelation is accompanied by a swelling of the anger. I bite down on my tongue again. It itches—positively itches—to say something back, something stinging, just because I can.
Just because I know I could do it. I know I could hurt her.
"Shuuichi, do you have any idea how I felt?"
She buries her face in her hands and practically collapses into the chair by my desk.
"What am I doing wrong?"
And I know that it wouldn't satisfy me. Hurt her? After all the selfish things I've done?
I cross the room to her silently, placing my hands on her shoulders and pulling her to me.
"Nothing, mother. I'm sorry for worrying you," I tell her. "I just… needed… some time to think."
And then I say no more and just let her tears soak into my shirt.
--♫--
Author's Space
You knew there'd be a breakdown. Admit it.
Soundtracks: Waltz of the Flowers (Tchaikovsky), Sidewalks (Story of the Year), Dance, Dance (Fall Out Boy).
This chapter's Shiori is modeled after Jien and Gojyo's mother in Saiyuki. Er. Except for the homicidal part. And, er… the incest part. Thing.
Review, please.
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Responses and Thank You-s
GoldenKitsuneHime13, KyoHana, GreenEyedFloozy, purplehairedwonder, DemonUntilDeath, Bluespark, Niana Kuonji, blackrose kitsune, Jesanae Tekani, Insane Chipmunk -- Thank you all for you reviews and support!
samuraiduck27 – Thanks. Last chapter was probably my fave, too.
Kuranga108 – Ah… I wouldn't say he's over it just yet. I really did love playing with Yuusuke last chapter; everything he said just came out so naturally for me. Thanks!
Kooriya Yui – Heh. Yeah. The weather was pretty good there for a while, but now it's back, hot and muggy-ness. Ugh… :grin: I like crazy-insane Kurama about as much as I like cutting Kurama. They're both really fun. Thank you-thank you.
KaraKurama – Uh… New York is not nice in the summer, it's downright bitchy. But constant rain doesn't sound so great either…
A lilmatchgirl – Thanks. Hmm… I can't remember if that's canon or not, either. :sheepishgrin: Oh, I love that line, too, if I may say so myself. :grin: Yes, yes. He's really messed up, isn't he?
Kuramafan-06 – Thank you! Well, the final chapter-chapter of the fic is… er… next? Well, unless I get the inspiration to write another chapter between that. Following that, though, there is the final interlude and the epilogue, which will be posted at the same time. You… might want to keep tissue paper handy. I think. :grin:
ineXpressible – A lot of emotion, huh? Yeah, I guess so. I dearly love Shiori, and I'm really sad to be putting her through all of this trauma… :sniff: Well, thanks for reviewing…
sakurasango – 104 degrees? God, that must be terrible! Thanks!
Taisuke Harakiri – :laugh: Kaitou's a strange bird, isn't he? He was a ton of fun to write. Ah… Well, I've been known to get depressed, but this year it got really bad. I probably would have started cutting if my mother hadn't placed all sharp objects out of my reach (she started doing that after I almost burned the apartment down). I got started on this, instead, and channeled what I felt into it and hoped to god that it was at least somewhat accurate… Ooh, a YuusukeSakyo fic? Where? :grin: Oh, and thanks so much for your review!
SunStar Kitsune – Hey, that Crow's Call fic: it's pretty good! Thanks for reccing it! You're right, though. Pop culture's getting pretty dark these days… Thanks for reviewing.
Kuwa-chan – Chilling, huh? First time I've heard that. :laugh: That's cool… Oh, that's cool, too. I re-listened to that episode after I got this review. :grin: Thanks!
Aya-chan -- I got your review just before I went to post this. Thanks! Yeah,he is amusing, isn't it?
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Ugh. So stupid of me. Revised because I forgot that I deleted an entire section, and the notes had to be doctored, as well.