Once Upon a Razorblade
Disclaimer: I own no part of Yu Yu Hakusho. But steal my plot and you will suffer.
This authoress also does not in any way, shape or form condone self-mutilation (cutting) or suicide as a solution for depression.
Part Three: Waltzing Through Eternity
Chapter Six: Immortality
--
Warnings: Somewhat graphic death. Somewhat.
--
"Shuuichi?"
"Yes, Mother?"
"How are you doing?"
"I…" I don't know. I don't know. "I'm all right."
"Are you sure, Shuuichi?"
"Yes. I'm just a little tired."
"Oh. That's all right. It's been a long day. You had another blood test, after all."
A nod.
More blood tests, more updates, more warnings, more worries.
"Mother?"
She turns.
"I'm sorry."
"Sorry? Shuuichi—Shuuichi, what for?"
"Everything." Everything that's happened, everything that's caused you grief, everything you know and everything you don't know.
"Oh—It isn't your fault. It isn't your fault. Don't ever think that."
Another nod.
"I love you, Mother."
"I know. I love you, too. Now why don't you go upstairs and get some rest?"
--
It hurts.
Somewhere deep inside, this insane throb aches.
And it's so deep inside my heart that it's nearly impossible to root it out.
This feeling of anger, of despair and of destruction resides so deeply inside my soul that no matter how happy I am at any given time, there is always that knowledge looming in the background that I will fall back into this. And when I do fall back onto it, I want to use my fists, to pound into something until my knuckles split and bleed and become a mass of red pain.
I always wondered why crying is always the first instinct whenever humans feel this way. Still, crying brings a feeling of emptiness that I utterly abhor. At least anger fills up my heart and makes me feel so full. It makes me feel. Empty is empty. There is nothing. There is no one. And there is no cure.
Therefore, I need to hate. I need to be angry. I need this destruction. I need it, but when it comes, it overwhelms me and eats at me until I try to scramble for an exit - I need to find a way out, always, every time. But when I find it, when I find that one thing that drains the emotion from me, I am empty, and dead, and useless.
So I curl up and feel so vulnerable beneath the covers my mother pulls over me, a sad smile on her face and tears in her eyes and it makes me sick because I'm so weak. And lying there, I grit my teeth and close my eyes and try to think of something outside of this unbearable ache within – somewhere dark and empty, somewhere bottomless and overcast and weighed down.
It's driving me insane, this bursting of emotions so strong that I feel like dying. It's too much, too much, too much.
I'm such a coward.
I always need an easy way out. The hardships I endure are nothing in comparison to those that others go through. Stealing was easy. Anger is easy.
Anger is so, so easy to fall into. Depression is so, so easy to fall into. But destruction - that is the easiest.
Destruction...
I try to live, for all that it's worth. I try, because I never want to die. I want immortality – I suppose I've always wanted immortality.
One always strives to accomplish that which is impossible.
But I'm so-damn-tired of the pitying looks, the sadness that constantly surrounds me. I'm tired of Botan and how she practically bursts into tears each and every time she sees me. I'm tired of sitting around doing nothing.
I'm tired of waiting.
Each and every day is just another step towards my inevitable death. It's always there and there is nothing else that I can do or say to push it away.
And I want to bring it closer.
One by one, the caplets and pills slip into my cold and aching hand, a mix of antidepressants and pain relievers. Of those, there are some of medium strength and some of minimum strength, and ones that could kill me.
Which is, of course, the purpose.
And one by one, I swallow them all.
It is a mechanical process. Place one in my mouth, take a sip of water, swallow, place another in my mouth…
So simplistic, and I do it without another thought.
It will probably be more painful this way. If I miraculously survive, I will be permanently damaged, though whether it will be physically or mentally or both—that remains to be seen.
And finally, I slip back into my bedroom, closing the door and stealing under the covers.
The moon, I note, is beautiful and luminescent as it reaches its fullness.
--
I sleep for a while, until the searing pain comes and awakens me in the merest of moments. I bite back a cry and curl up over my stomach, arms around knees as my stomach roils and tries to reject the medicines.
Overdosing is not a very pretty way to die, is it?
Haze and pain swoop down and I writhe and it hurts just so beautifully, turning my blood to ice and poison and steel that cuts into my nerves and slices through them.
I'm screaming now, or at least I think I'm screaming, but I don't quite know if I'm making any sound or not because I can't focus myself on anything but the pain.
Tears leak and drip through shut eyelids, a merely physical reaction to the sensations that collide with one another.
Then the haze gets thicker and thicker and I can no longer think straight – Who am I what am I Youko Shuuichi Kurama—
And everything goes black.
--
Light.
The sun's first rays shine through my eyelids and as I open them, I pray that I am where I want to be; pray that there will be no white ceiling with IVs in my arms; pray that I am well and truly dead.
Ah.
She sits on the oar before me, eyes boring holes into me.
"Are you ready?" Hinageshi asks, averting her eyes and turning her eyes on the body below us – mine, naturally. Blood trickles delicately through my lips to pool on the bedsheets. I avert my eyes quickly.
"In a moment."
I take a final look around my room before floating away into my mother and stepfather's as well as into Shuichi's.
My final good-byes, I suppose.
I turn then to Hinageshi, who has followed me through all this.
"I'm ready."
"You don't want to see anyone else? Any of your friends? Yuusuke or Kuwabara or Hiei?"
I smile thinly.
"I've been saying good-bye to them for far too long now."
She nods slightly.
"I see. Hop on up, then."
I do so, settling myself behind Hinageshi before voicing a question to which, in my heart, I already know the answer to.
"Where is Botan?"
The girl before me hesitates, clutching the front of the oar until her knuckles turn white. Her head is bowed.
"You know," she begins. "You made her cry. She said… that she couldn't do it."
And that is all I need to hear.
--
Author's SpaceI know at least one person cried and at least four people are mad at me for killing him off this way. 'Fess up.
Soundtrack: Helena by My Chemical Romance and Sophomore Slump or Comeback of the Year by Fall Out Boy.
Sorry for the delay. This chapter had to be absolutely perfect. However, my laptop is broken again (I'm using my cousin's desktop), I couldn't find anything on overdoses except for the effects of depressants and illegal drugs (had to make most of the stuff up…aheh…), and I've got a new project to work on (for which there is a shameless plug at the bottom).
Yes, yes, the scene with Shiori is just so cliché. Whatever. It had to happen. I tried to have it as just a dialogue, no thoughts or actions, but it didn't work because I'm not skilled like that.
Was going to have Ghost!Kurama visit Kuwabara (I feel guilty that he's only showed up once in this fic) and they'd have a conversation or something, but it didn't work out…
Well. There are two more chapters to go, but that'll be in one post. So. Review or flame or something.
--
Thank YouEvene, samuraiduck27, IwuvMyKenshyPoo, GreenEyedFloozy, KaraKurama, Silverlie, Tenshi No Koori, purplehairedwonder, Kuranga108, Kyoka, ineXpressible, Amaya of The Rain, Aya-chan – Thank you all for your support. I'm sad that this fic is coming to a close the next time I update. It really encourages me, though, that you all enjoyed it up to this point. So thanks again.
Bluespark – Heh. Thank you, thank you. WIP stands for 'work in progress'. Took me such a long time to figure that out…
Kooriya Yui – Aha… I'm glad you're starting to love it and I'm glad you think Kurama seems genuine. :smile: Thanks so much. Coming from a talented author such as yourself, it's just an awesome inflation of my ego. :grin:
Kuramafan-06 – Ooh. Hope you're feeling better by now. You're very right, and your review made me rethink the ending that I wrote for this story. Unfortunately, Kurama is also, as you said, "being selfish and stupid… again." :sheepish grin: WIP means 'work in progress'. Oh, so your first language is Spanish? That's so cool! Yeah, sure you can add me to Yahoo messenger (not that I know how to use it, but…). I'm under icephoenixtohma. So, thanks for all your reviews!
SunStar Kitsune – Well… His demon blood isn't going to do much, to tell the truth… Thanks for reviewing…
Niana Kuonji – Thanks so much for your review. Thanks, too, for your insight. You're right about saying farewell to Shiori, so that's why I wrote that first part of this chapter. Tried to make it into a farewell, but I'm not sure if it came out that way.
KyoHana – I… I love you:cough: Er, well, Kurama's a complex guy. A lot of fanfiction writers tend to forget that he is human (at least in a sense) and that humanity has tons of flaws, no matter how much any of us try to hide them. But… :shrug: Dunno. But thanks so much.
blackrose kitsune – Yeah. I tried to deviate from the normal by using Yuusuke. He's such a fun character, anyway. Hiei isn't going to show up, no. I wanted him to, but there just wasn't the opportunity. Thanks so much.
The Amazing Tsu-chan – Hey, that's not stupid logic! That was the logic that my 14-going-on-15 year old mind came up with! Then I turned 15 and I decided to ditch that idea. :grin: Thanks for reviewing…
A lilmatchgirl – Yeah. Boring is right. That was probably my favorite twist, though. He's a perfect, adoring son, except… not. :grin: Thanks for reviewing!
Jesanae Tekani – Yaaay! My 200th reviewer! I would have dedicated this chapter to you, but I really doubt anyone would actually want this chapter dedicated to them… :nervouslaugh: So, er, thanks so much!
--
Shameless Plug: Well, okay. Recently, my cousin (rogueicephoenix) and I got this joint account under the name plotbunnytohma (don't ask). If you're into Fruits Basket and want to read an AU, we're putting up our first joint effort, Folding Cranes, sometime soon. So. Check it out. Or something.
Love, fluorescent