A/N: Okay this chapter and the next are going to be the last ones I add to the beginning I think… I just think there was a gap I needed to fill in the story before it could progress. Review early review often, let me know what you think of the new additions
Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Gilmore girls, much to my dismay so none of these character or places are mine, and if you happen to catch something from the show dialogue wise (though I don't think there is anything in this chapter) that's not mine either.
It was like watching someone lose a hand, so awful I couldn't turn away. I wanted to, begged myself to, but I couldn't and I guess she couldn't either. There was so much I needed to say, needed to make her understand, but so much I knew she couldn't. Everything's falling apart. I sobbed to myself. It wasn't supposed to be like this.
A sudden surge of anger appeared as I realized how close I was to trying to talk to her. You can't let her do this. I swallowed as I broke eye contact and willed my box of books to stay up. I was torn between wanting to go cry to her and wanting to shut her out completely. Stay strong! Don't let her tell you what to do! You're twenty years old; you don't need your mommy anymore. I battled And this is what you want. What you need. Don't let her change your mind.
I picked up some books defensively and started putting them up on the shelf, pointedly not looking back onto the deck, trying to keep up this strong front, pretending to not to have seen the pained look in her face. She threw you out, she shoved you out of her life, this is the least she deserves. I growled to myself, knowing I was lying, but refusing to acknowledge it. She should have supported me. She's my mother, isn't that what she's supposed to do? And so much for letting me make my own decisions, she's worse then grandma! I spat, She wouldn't even listen to me, let me explain it. Just went and automatically assumed that I was throwing my life away. She doesn't even care if it's what I need or what I want. All she cares about is her stupid plan for me. That was unfair. I knew it was, but I smothered the twang of guilt and continued on, working myself up into a wronged rage. And since when does she get to talk about making mistakes and throwing lives away? At least I didn't get pregnant and I actually tried to make it work with her! She has no right to look down on me!
With that I suddenly got it in my mind to do something about the situation. I practically threw the last book into place as I made up my mind to try to tell her what all I had been thinking, deciding I was just where I needed to be to solve this. I spun around to face her, fire in my eyes to find her gone.
And with that it all fell apart.
The full effect of what I had been thinking overwhelmed me as my mask of anger shattered as I saw her give me one last look, mixed with disappointment and anger, and left. Mom… I sobbed, sinking to my knees as I stared at the empty pavement, putting my hands over my face. I had wanted her to be there, to get some kind of sign that she still had faith in me, faith that I'd still want to talk about this with her, faith that I could see what I was doing to her, to us, and want to do something about it. It was stupid I know, she had no reason to think that, and if she had been there I would have just made it worse, but the want, the need… was still there.
Tears flowed readily now, and I shook with the force of my sobs. "How did I get here?" I asked through the crying. No matter how much I've messed up she's always been there. She's never given up. Never. And yet she had this time. Her final look had burned, and I didn't know what to do. It wasn't supposed to be like this!