A/N: This was slightly changed to make sense with the new chapters, hope you still like it
Disclaimer: You know the drill… I don't own anything from Gilmore girls and at this point this storyline is all my own.
The light danced beautifully on the walls of the dinning room as we ate dinner. Or I guess as they ate dinner. I just sat there. My eyes never leaving it, trying to process, trying to think, and most of all, trying to remember, or more like stop remembering. The pained look on her face as I slammed her mistakes in her face. The back of her as she fled Weston's, and above all, all the times she had been there for me… all my break-ups and all my failures and all my stupid mistakes… she had always been there. And then once again I had pushed her away, decided I didn't need her anymore, and this is where I had brought us.
I took a bite of whatever it was that was on my plate, and murmured a response to a question from Grandpa, my eyes never leaving it.
After that first break down I had gone back to convincing myself that I was in the wrong that she was the one out of line, even went as far as fantasized about her coming to be begging for me to forgive her. After all she was the one that had thrown me out of the house, forbidden me to come back to the town, and all just because I had lost myself. She was my mother right? She was the one that was supposed to hold my hand and make it better? Then why hadn't she done it?
Every time I went though this thought pattern I could feel the guilt swelling in the back of my mind. But as I adjusted to pool house life I just pushed it back, putting up my wronged angel front when it threatened to appear, blocking it for a time. I even ignored her phone calls, trying to reason that it would just give her another chance to wrong me. It was all part of avoiding the emotions, blocking off the guilt. But that's all it did. Block it for a time.
I knew I was lying to myself, and every once in awhile I would let my guard down and it would slam me, trying to make me face what I didn't want to, bringing me back to tears. I had hurt her like I had never deemed possible and I just couldn't deal with that yet.
But my time of inner peace, no matter how fabricated and illusionary it was, was cut short with that one phone call. The call that shattered all barriers and left me shaken like nothing else could…
"Hello" I had answered absent-mindedly, absorbed in my book "I can't believe you didn't tell me! And here I was thinking you were my best friend! Isn't it great? I am just so thrilled for her! Are you psyched? You must be, I mean it is Lorelai!" Lane had squealed almost before I had gotten my answer out, thoroughly confusing me. "What are you talking about?" I asked, putting down the book trying to figure out what in the world she could be talking about. "You have got to be kidding me! What am I talking about? What's everyone talking about? Luke and Lorelai, Lorelai and Luke… You can't stop it from coming up! Oh! Did she ask you to keep it a secret? She probably wanted to make sure Sookie and the town heard it from them first. I mean wow. They're finally engaged and she even asked him! It's so sweet!… Rory?… Rory?… are you there?" The words crashed through my head.
And that's what brought me here, to the Friday night dinner from hell. The first time I have seen mom since she left the pool house… the first time to speak to her, if I have the nerve, since Weston's. And the first time to see it. The ring. The small, elegant diamond ring on her left hand, reflecting light. The ring that sends me deeper and deeper into my guilt with every beautiful wink it sends my way.
That call was weeks ago. I thought, staring at it again. And she still hasn't said anything... God, look where I've brought us.
Another wave of guilt smashed me, bringing me yet another step lower. I tried to pull up my mask of anger but couldn't. I brought this on myself. I continued, pushing a potato around with my fork. I glanced up at mom, when the maid took away my barely touched plate, and was greeted by a look of determination and the ever present disappointment and sadness. I watched the oceans between us swirl, willing me to tell her how proud I was of her, how happy I was for her, how sorry I was… but the words wouldn't form.
So much to say… and no way to say it.