Buffy
After clawing my way out I gasp for air, using my hands to get back on my feet. 'What the fuck?' I look around throughly confused until I turn, my gaze falling on a tombstone.
Buffy Anne Summers
1981-2001
Beloved sister
Devoted friend
She saved the world
A lot
I take the words in slowly as I read them, recalling the agonizing climb out of... my grave. My grave. My eyes grow wide, my mouth falling open as I realize I was dead. And suddenly I remember. I jumped off the platform, falling into the bright light. There was warmth and I felt loved. I was at peace. But all to quickly I was pulled back, gasping for air in a coffin.
That was about a week ago. I'm home now but each morning I wake up the same way, in that dream. I don't really remember much of what happened that night. I vaguely remember the burnt out streets, me getting ripped apart at the seams, saving everybody. But it's like I wasn't there. It's something I was watching, I wasn't an active participant. I just remember wanting it to all go away. I wanted the warmth back, the peace. So I climbed slowly up that tower and looked down. But the light was gone. All I saw was the concrete below, where I must have landed.
Suddenly I was back in that moment. I saw myself and Dawn as the portal opened. I remembered knowing what I had to do. I was comfortable with it, I almost welcomed it. I closed my eyes and spoke the words we spoke that night. Suddenly I heard a voice other than my own.
I turn and see Dawn, standing there watching me. I stare at her, wondering if she's real. She seems so surprised and happy to see me. I just look at her, not knowing what to think. Am I being forced to relive my death?
I turn and look back down at the ground and she yells out. She thinks I'm going to jump. Truthfully the idea sounds appealing. I just want to go back. I want to feel the peace and love again. I'm hollow without it.
She's still talking to me. I can hear the desperation growing in her voice. The tower isn't holding up well. It's creaking and shaking and I don't really mind it. Maybe I won't have to jump this time.
She keeps talking behind me. I'm able to tune most of it out, she's talking about things I don't want. I don't want to be back. I want to go back. But she keeps talking, she wants me to talk. I say the ask the only thing I want to know. "Is this hell?"
She tries to tell me its not, but I still feel like it is. Nothing feels right. I shouldn't be here. I'm not supposed to be here. I hear her pleading behind me, trying to talk me down. I drown her out until the tower really starts to shake. I hear her call for me and I'm suddenly back, saving her.
So I'm back, because of her. Well, its not her fault exactly, but I probably would have jumped that night if she didn't find me. I don't blame her really, she doesn't know. None of them know. But thats okay.
I told Spike today, that I think I was in heaven. He's actually a good listener. I don't know why I told him. I guess he's just safe. He can take knowing and right now I just need someone to know. Someone to understand.
I go patrol at nights. After waking up to biker demons I expected there to be plenty to keep me busy. Unfortunately I'm wrong. Seems the vampire population isn't growing like it used to. I get a few a night, if I'm lucky. Tonight I've only fought one and the sun is about to rise. I slowly make my way home and climb up the tree in front of my window. I enter through my window and shed my clothes, crawling into bed.