AN: It began with the idea of Chame telling Kagome what happened the first time she and Mischa went drinking. And it sort of expanded from there. Completely pointless fun with alcohol and shapeshifters.
Disclaimer: Kagome, Souta, Inu-Yasha courtesy of Rumiko Takahashi. Matsuro, Chame, and Mischa products of a deranged mind and not for sale. (Though borrowing with permission is allowed.)
Only Drunks and ChildrenChame had dragged her into a bar. It was an interesting bar; overpopulated by women who all seemed to ignore the few men who were there, intent on dancing with each other on the dance floor and not picking up dates for their next one-night stand.
Chame was pretty good at shapeshifting. The young kitsune had changed from her usual human child form to that of a blue-haired woman with the curves of Marilyn Monroe, dressed in black leather hiphuggers and a silver, probably spandex, midriff shirt. Kagome thought it was a bit tactless of the shapeshifter to take a beautiful form, show it off to full advantage, and all the while laugh her ass off at everybody who tried to pick her up. Though a meaner side of her said it was pretty damn funny, and if she was as drunk as the currently blue-haired girl, she'd be laughing at them too.
The kitsune was currently in a drinking game with another woman at the counter. Though it seemed to have ended, the other woman passing out as Chame continued to giggle inanely.
Chame always giggled inanely, so she wasn't sure if the kitsune actually was drunk. She certainly smelled it, and had certainly imbibed enough to be drunk, but youkai physiology was different than humans.
"Did I tell you 'bout th' firs' time I did this?" The blue-haired woman asked, voice sounding as if she was drunk, but more coherent than she had thought the girl would be. "Me 'n Kage got in trouble, and the miko-sama said that if one of us confessed to doin' it, the other'd get off scot-free. But if neither 'f us 'fessed up, we'd both get beat."
The girl raised her glass at the bartender, silently asking for a refill. It was probably something a lot harder than the can of beer she was currently sipping on. She'd be surprised if she finished it, truth be told.
"Anyways," the girl drawled out, continuing her story. "I waited 'til her human day. Course, she didn' know I knew, so she couldn' tell me no. And then I pounced!" And she proceeded to do so on the bartender, who was ignoring her request. Firmly latching both hands onto one arm, fixing brilliant pale eyes on the startled man, she ordered, "You, more sake, now!"
He tried detaching the blue-haired woman. "Lady, you've had plenty."
"I c'n still see straight. Def'nly haven' had enough," the blue-haired woman said, hand tightening.
"Fine, I'll see what I can do." She let go and he quickly moved to the other side of the long counter. Both girls giggled.
"And I made a bet wi' her. Whoe'er passed out firs' had to 'fess up to Ginta's new haircut." The kitsune snickered, then hiccupped. "Act'lly, she couldn' refuse, since she still was refusing to talk. 'N I'd already gotten her fixed enough t' hav' some sense 'f pride," the kitsune said, keeping her pale glare on the bartender- one more sign that she was not as drunk as she appeared.
Though her father had been very good at glaring when drunk. She shook her head, burying the memories Chame innocently brought up.
"So what exactly was the bet?" She prodded.
"T' see who could out drink th' other, o'course," Chame said, head lolling to the side for her to look lazily over at the dark-haired woman. "Was the funniest thing ever."
She paused in her story to accept her drink from the slightly wary bartender and to glare off another taker for her drinking game. "G'way. 'M busy."
Kagome was beginning to get a little suspicious of the bar, but was too interested in Chame's drunken and decidedly jumbled story to dwell on it long.
"Where was I?" The kitsune asked, turning her attention back to Kagome.
"Getting drunk."
"Oh, righ'." The kitsune downed the glass and motioned for another refill. The bartender gave up on convincing her to cut back on the alcohol, and refilled her glass. Kagome's was still more than half full. "So I conjure up a couple of jugs of sake. Kage's pullin' her usual big-eyed stare, an' complee'ly unhelpful f'r the conjurin'," the kitsune whined, forgetting that a young human child- especially one who was usually hanyou- would know nothing of using magic.
Kagome tsk'ed at Mischa's lack of thoughtfulness in the quest to get smashed, and raised her beer to her lips to hide the grin that was spreading across her face.
Chame either didn't catch on to Kagome's humor or else misinterpreted it. She leaned forward to whisper confidentially- quite loud enough for everybody to hear, "And y'know wha? She's a damn talkative drunk."
Kagome joined Chame in giggling over the idea of a chibi-Mischa babbling away over anything and everything.
"I think," the kitsune continued on in her half-drunken state, "she wants to talk, but there's a real psycho- um, physicianal- um…" the kitsune paused to try and remember the word.
"Physical?"
"I don' think so. That one where it's real pain, not ghost pain," the blue-haired woman said, waving one hand off-handedly. "Anyways, a real problem for her and she can' do it. Talk, I mean. But drunks, they don' feel pain, not like sober pleeple do. So issokay fo' her to talk as much as she wants when drunk. 'Cause she don' feel t' pain."
Kagome thought there were a couple problems with Chame's story, but decided drunks should be humored. "And the point of your story is?"
"Um… getting' drunk is fun? No, wait, tha's th' othe' one. Oh, yeah, the moral of the story is, if you wanna get a half-demon drunk, y'gotta wait 'til their human day. 'Cause then they can' smell th' stuff an' their demon blood won' cleanse it the moment it hits their system." Each word came slower and slower, until with the last word, the blue-haired girl slumped forward, forehead hitting the counter with a thunk barely audible over the music.
"Chame-chan, this isn't the best place to fall asleep," Kagome informed the blue-haired woman.
The bartender quickly reappeared. "Thought that stuff would never work," he said. "Damn kit's got the constitution of a charging rhinoceros."
"Eh?" Kagome said, peering fuzzily at the man.
He leaned forward so that their faces were almost touching, keeping his voice low, "If you want to pick up men, it's best not to go to a gay bar."
The alcohol had left her pleasantly buzzed, but it was also seriously slowing down her ability to think. "Gay bar?" She looked back the swarm of people on the dance floor. Come to think of it, most of the couples were same-sex. "Huh. Guess Chame got lost finding the right bar. Uh… do I know you?" she asked the bartender.
"Really, Kagome-sama, I'm hurt that you have so quickly forgotten our short, but altogether glorious, days together."
"Oi, red, what did you put in her sake?" a woman asked, poking at the sleeping blue-haired girl.
Kagome was too busy trying to remember previous boyfriends to pay close attention to the speaker.
"Ah, hanyou, right on time. Actually, it was 100-proof whiskey, and she's been drinking it all night long. Though that last refill was just sleeping powder."
The woman lifted Chame's head off the counter, then released it, and it hit the counter with another thunk.
Deciding that the bartender was definitely none of her few exes, Kagome greeted the woman. "Hey, Mischa," she said. "Funny, we were just talking about you."
The bartender's eyes twinkled as Mischa drawled out, "How fascinating." She leaned over, wrapped one of Chame's arms around her shoulder, then her own about the unconscious girl's waist, and dragged her up out of the barstool.
"You aren't getting out of here that easily, you realize," the bartender said.
"Mat-kun?"
"She's drunk, isn't she?" Mischa asked accusingly.
"Well, the guy I'm impersonating would be hard at work trying to slip Rohypnol into her drink, since he's an idiotic straight guy who thinks-"
"That's enough information, red."
"So while I'm not going so far as to actually drug her, I can't be seen giving her the hard lemonade she ordered. Because he definitely wouldn't, and he's a good enough people-reader to know she can't tell vodka from champagne."
"Are you taking me home too?" Kagome asked, rising unsteadily to her feet. "Because he says it's a gay bar, and I really don't think about girls that way-"
"More's the pity," he mourned.
"-And since Chame-chan's asleep, I don't want to stay here."
"Can you wait for me to get her out to the car, Kags? This is a bit awkward," the dark-haired woman said.
"Her suggestion is going to wear off soon," Matsuro warned, and Mischa nodded and faked a drunken stagger towards the exit, should the weakening suggestion Chame had up fail before they left.
"What's going on?"
"Chame was just doing as is her kitsune nature and trying to get you into trouble. I just like coming to watch the show," he said, motioning towards the dance floor. "You'll find I'm very open-minded."
Kagome giggled, not entirely sure at what.
"You probably shouldn't let people drag you to bars, Kagome-sama. They're not as much fun as you think they are."
She noticed her can was empty. That wasn't right. "Can I have more?"
"Depends on what you're offering in return," he said.
"Chame pulled me out the door before I could grab my purse," she said.
"How'd you plan on paying?"
"Chame stole Mischa's wallet," she said with a snicker. She thought that over. "So that's why Mischa's here! To get her wallet back."
Matsuro chuckled. "Kagome-sama, you are beyond drunk."
"So, can I have more?"
"Your cousin would kill me." He paused. "What do you want?"
"Yatta!" Kagome said, giving him an awkward hug over the counter. "Rum. It's warm. No ice."
"Kagome-sama, gay bar, remember? You're supposed to hug the women here, not the guy serving you drinks," he said, opening a new bottle to pour into a short glass.
"Okay," she said, starting to stand, before sinking back onto the barstool. "Maybe after I find my feet."
"They're usually on the end of your legs," he said helpfully, noting a new customer approaching.
"Scotch on rocks," the woman said, sitting down next to the girl looking for the ends of her legs. "I haven't seen you here before."
Kagome looked up from her feet and grinned, "I've never been here before. Chame-chan brought me and Mischa's wallet, but Mischa wants it back, so she took Chame away."
"So you're here by yourself?"
"Yeah," Kagome said. "They left me." She took a sip of her rum.
Matsuro returned with a short glass filled with a dark amber liquid, ice cubes clinking. "Your drink, miss. Kagome-san, you really shouldn't be drinking anymore. You're going to end up going home with someone here, and I'm going to be very upset if it isn't me."
Kagome put the glass down. "Sorry, Mat-kun."
"Why would you want to go home with him? You can do much better," the woman asked.
"I doubt that," he said, taking the drink away from Kagome.
"Mat-kuuun, get your own, that's mine!"
"I thought you weren't having any more."
"Yeah, but," the girl stopped.
"Yes?"
"It's still my drink!"
"You can have mine," the woman said, pushing the girl her glass.
"I can? Thank you!" Kagome hugged the girl. "I like you," she said pulling away.
"Really? Not going to go home with your Mat-kun then?" the woman asked, inching closer the younger woman.
"Of course I'm not," Kagome said. "He's going to be here all night, and Mischa and me have work tomorrow."
"Ah," the woman said, losing some interest at the repetition of the name. "So who's Mischa?"
"Mischa's… ne, Mat-kun, who is Mischa, again?" Kagome asked, blinking fuzzily at the amused bartender.
He said with a completely straight face, "Your roommate."
"Right," Kagome said with a firm nod. "My roommate," she told the woman. "We sleep together."
Matsuro had a sudden coughing fit.
"Taken then? You have fun waiting for your… roommate," the woman said, returning to the dance floor- still without a drink.
"You sleep together?" Matsuro asked, wheezing for breath. "Kagome-sama, you are the most naïve human I have ever come across. Sleep together, she says."
"Isn't that what it's called?" Kagome asked, already working on emptying the glass of Scotch.
"Quite right," a low voice said, arms circling around Kagome's waist as someone set her chin on the girl's shoulder. "Oi, red, put it on my bill."
Matsuro was speechless. He knew his mind was permanently in the gutter, but this took the cake. Youkai had no qualms about gender or whether their bed partner was family, but the miko was something else entirely.
"Can we go now?" Kagome asked, slipping from Mischa's grasp to again battle vertigo, only to collapse onto her cousin. "I'm sleepy," she mumbled into Mischa's sweater.
"Hanyou," Matsuro started.
She looked over at the shapeshifted kitsune, her usual poker face in place, with the exception of a barely evident look of malicious amusement in her eyes.
"We'll talk later."
She gave him a flat look that said that talk would happen right after the snowball became flame-retardant.
"Shin, you're going to have to at least try to stand," Mischa told the human mumbling incoherently.
"M'kay."
Matsuro returned to bartending, keeping one eye on the departing couple.
Something was off.
-----
Kagome was throwing up in the bathroom. He had already learned his lesson about heavy drinking, but obviously his older sister hadn't until now.
Souta wasn't sure where Inu-Yasha was. Probably the roof. The inu hanyou seemed to like it there.
Nor did he know where the dark-haired shapeshifter was. The last time he had seen the young kitsune, she had a very youkai grin on her face- all pointy teeth and completely malicious.
Mischa was on the window seat, face buried in the business pages the day's newspaper.
And Matsuro was watching Mischa the way his teacher did when he thought no one was listening to his lecture. And the last time that had happened, half of the class had ended up in detention for blowing up the science lab. Which was because the handout had the wrong amount of sulfur to add, and no one had paid attention to his correction. Souta knew the teacher had made that typo on purpose.
"So did you have fun last night?" the redhead asked the wolf-girl.
The newspaper lowered a few inches for the woman to give Matsuro a 'what the hell are you talking about?' look, then came back up.
Souta was a bit amused as the kitsune's face went from blank confusion, to realization, and then to a pissed off look that promised beheading.
"Shin," the redhead whispered, then shouted, "Chame!"
Snickering could be heard coming from underneath the sofa.
Souta decided not ask.
Vocabulary:
-Chan- Honorific used to show endearment
Chibi- Small
Hanyou- Half demon
Inu- Dog
Kage- Shadow, Chame's nickname for Mischa
Kitsune- Fox demon, master of illusion and changing their shape
Miko- Priestess
Ne- Hey or right, depending on context
Rohypnol- One of the three main date-rape drugs
-Sama- Honorific meant to show great respect
Shin- Heart, Chame's nickname for Kagome
Youkai- Demon