Well, at last! I've finally managed to make chapter five! I have originally planned to end this story at five chaps but it's just too long, I had to cut it into smaller ones. We're nearing the end though…please read and review! Thanks so much to all those who reviewed!

Chapter five: Losing Hope

Hakkai had finally recovered from his fever and soon they were on the road again. The sun was shining brightly above them as they made their way through the rocky terrain. Gojyo and Goku were unusually quiet today, thinking about the past three days when they were able to hear Hakkai's thoughts. The first day was chaotic, not to mention funny. They all found out what Hakkai really thinks of them. The second day was a bit depressing though. Hakkai was feeling down again, thinking about Kanan and his past. His thoughts weren't fun at all. It was rather disturbing and emotional. And for Sanzo's case, too corny. The third day was worse. For some reason Hakkai was feeling moody and smiled only when they looked at him. They actually caught him frowning off guard many times, which Hakkai tried to cover up. To no avail. And now that they've reached the fourth day they wondered what Hakkai will be thinking about.

"Harahetta…" Goku whined. "Are we there yet, Hakkai?"

"No, Goku, but we're near," Hakkai politely replied. I do hope we're getting nearer. I'm getting tired myself.

"Hakkai, do you want to take a rest?" Sanzo asked, not looking at him.

"Huh?" Hakkai said, surprised. He nearly stepped on the brakes in amazement. Behind him, Goku and Gojyo were gaping at Sanzo, too stunned to speak.

"Never mind," Sanzo added hastily, "If you don't want to take a rest then let's just proceed."

"Okay," Hakkai said, turning back on the road. He's acting strange. It's not like him to care about his companions.

They kept on going. Sanzo was thinking why he even said that out loud in the first place. Goku was dreaming about meatbuns and Gojyo—well, he's doing the only thing he could do.

Hakkai, meanwhile, was thinking, oblivious to the fact that the other three could actually hear him. The past three days had been rough for him. He was thinking about Kanan constantly and how much he missed her. He was also thinking back on that day when she died. When he killed a thousand demons to rescue her in vain. When he wanted to die…

"Hakkai?"

He snapped back to reality and turned around to see who had spoken. It was Gojyo. He looked worried for some reason.

"What is it, Gojyo?"

"It's—no, it's nothing, Hakkai. Sorry to bother you."

Gojyo leaned back. Beside him Goku was awakened, startled by Hakkai's thoughts. Sanzo was lighting a cigarette nervously. Gojyo didn't really have anything to say; he just wanted to disrupt Hakkai's thoughts before he could plan on doing what he's thinking of doing. Hakkai's not like this. He's getting suicidal.

During the rest of the journey the Sanzo-ikkou shifted nervously in their seats. Sanzo was getting more and more worried about Hakkai though he wouldn't show it. Goku was still dumbstruck; he never thought Hakkai would consider things like that. Not now. Not that they all have developed a special kind of friendship, that even though he won't admit it himself, they surely have that. Not that they've all encountered different kinds of trials to strengthen their bonds. Not now that they've become close friends.

Gojyo was getting jitterier by the second. He knew that he would have to keep a close eye on Hakkai to prevent him from doing the unthinkable. Maybe it was because of Kanan's death day that he wanted to end his life. It's not unusual. But he will pass through this. I hope.

The jeep suddenly came to a stop. They finally arrive at an inn. Goku eagerly jumped up and pretended to be extremely happy to throw Hakkai off guard. Gojyo started a fight with him like all mornings tend to start. And on cue, Sanzo took out his harisen and started hitting the pair of them.

Hakkai chuckled. Maybe I don't want to die right now. With those three, they sure add to the life of the party.

The other three paused and stared at Hakkai, who was already heading inside the inn. They all sighed in relief, smiled slightly, and followed Hakkai inside. Maybe he's not gonna succumb after all.

In fact, Hakkai was feeling considerably cheerful since they entered the town. Even his thoughts confirmed it. Gojyo was feeling quite better now, seeing his best friend recover from the shock of Kanan's death day. Goku was back to normal, eating a whole lot more food and Sanzo had somehow settled down and was back to reading the newspaper and smoking. They all seemed to get used to the idea of hearing Hakkai suddenly speaking in their minds.

The fourth day passed with nothing much to be concerned with, since Hakkai was feeling like his old cheerful self. But when the fifth day dawned, here was another new Hakkai. He was feeling depressed again.

Why does he have to have mood swings? Gojyo thought angrily. Yesterday he was already feeling cheerful. Now he's back to being suicidal.

Sanzo was outside reading the paper, Goku and Gojyo sitting nearby. Goku was getting more worried. They were woken up at 3am today because of Hakkai's thoughts echoing in their minds. He had been thinking hard about Kanan again…and whether or not he should continue living.

"Why don't we tell him?" Goku spoke up suddenly. "We could prevent this if we try to."

"Maybe we should," Gojyo agreed. "You…you don't want him to go, do you?"

"Of course not!" Goku said, shocked. "He's…he's a part of our lives now…"

Silence. The wind blew over them, rustling the leaves as it passed. On the opposite room, Hakkai was staring out the window, staring at the blue sky. He felt a sense of calm. How peaceful. I long for something like this…

He sighed. The tears were falling down again. He brushed away the tears, feeling torn in two. He couldn't decide. He doesn't know if he should stay with the people he had grown to care for, or to go and be reunited with the person he loves most. He longed to reach out for Kanan, to be with her again, but he was having a hard time letting go of what he has now. But a decision has to be made. It was now or never.

He looked out the window again. There was a forest a little to their right. It looked peaceful, judging by the way the majestic trees swayed to the cold breeze. It was perfect. Tonight, he thought, I will have decided.

"SANZO!"

Goku looked disbelievingly at Sanzo. The blond monk just stayed there, smoking. He was looking out the balcony and avoiding their gaze.

"I can't believe you! Are you telling us to just leave Hakkai alone?" Goku shouted angrily. He was on his feet now. Beside him Gojyo remained silent, staring off into space.

"You heard me. And you heard him. He wants to have the peace he has always longed for. Why deny him that joy?" Sanzo retorted quietly. He lit up another cigarette. "Let him do what he wants to do. It's his choice."

"But…"

"He's right, Goku."

Goku turned around, looking shocked. Gojyo was sitting quietly, staring out into the sky.

"Gojyo? But…you said…"

"I know. But it's best if we let him do what he wants to do. Do you think he wants to live a life like this, hiding his pain behind that smile of his?" Gojyo paused. He sighed. "Free him. Let him go." He was not looking at them as he said this. His voice was different. It was as if he was hiding something behind it.

Goku looked at the two of them. They were dead serious. Goku tried to look behind their eyes. Sanzo was expressionless but his eyes told Goku that he was worried about Hakkai too. Gojyo was the same. He kept shielding his eyes from Goku's and avoiding their gazes.

Goku stood up. "Fine. If that's what you guys want. But I'm going to prevent it if I can." And with that he stormed out of the balcony and into his room, slamming the door shut. Gojyo followed him with his eyes as he went, then he sighed and headed to his own room.

Dinner was a silent affair. Hakkai, immersed with his thoughts, didn't notice the lack of noise. Sanzo glanced at Hakkai once in a while, and then he stared back down at his food. The three of them weren't able to eat much. They were all nervous about their course of action.

Hakkai finally seemed to come to a decision. He stood up. "I'm going to bed." He was looking pale and close to tears but before they could look at him clearly he was gone. It was quiet for a few minutes after he left.

"Tonight's the night, then," Goku said quietly after a few minutes of silence.

Gojyo nodded silently. He still can't get over the fact that his best friend has finally decided to end it all tonight. And he could do nothing to stop it.

Goku stood up. "I don't know about you guys, but I'm following him tonight. I can't let something like this happen. We've already got the chance. Are we gonna waste it, and regret not doing anything afterwards?"

Gojyo remained silent. Sanzo shifted in his seat. It was clear that they were having a hard time coming to a decision. Goku looked at them silently, and then he sighed and headed up to his room. He flung himself on his bed and started planning.

Hakkai was sitting on the side of his bed, writing a letter to each one of them. The wind was blowing silently into the room, drying the tears that had started to run down his emerald green eyes. He wondered if this was the right thing to do. I have no choice. I want to be with her again. He stopped writing and reread his work. Then he carefully sealed it up and placed it gently on the table. He looked at it for a while, and then he stared out the window. The moon was hidden behind some dark clouds. Slowly raindrops began to fall down. It reminded him of the very night that changed his life. He glanced at the clock. It was a quarter before midnight. He sighed. It's time. I must go. He turned away from the window, glanced one more time at his letters, and slowly crept out into the rain.

Inside his room Goku bolted upright on his bed. He heard Hakkai opening the door and heading outside in the rain. He's gone. I'll try to talk some sense into him. If Gojyo and Sanzo don't care, I do. He slipped out off his bed and quietly made his way outside. Suddenly he heard a door slam behind him. He spun around.

"What are you guys doing here?"

"To save Hakkai from his insanity, of course."

It was Sanzo and Gojyo. They were heading out of their room at the same time that Goku had slipped out too.

"But why? I thought you guys wanted to leave him alone!"

"We thought about what you said," Gojyo explained quietly, avoiding Goku's gaze. "You're right. I can't afford to lose the only chance I've got to help him."

"I've told him before," Sanzo was saying, "dying won't change anything. It seems like he needed to hear it one more time."

Goku stared at them, eyes brimming with tears. "You're right. Let's go then."

They nodded slightly and followed Goku out into the rain, tears streaming as they ran…

Author's note: Well, how'd you like this one? Too emotional? Too corny? Please let me know! The next chapter's coming up… Anyway I really can't decide if Hakkai will die or not…I need your opinions! Thanks very much!