Down The Slide… Into the Vortex of Nonsense!

A/N: This story is completely random, completely AU, and completely OOC. I wrote this before I saw Stargate Atlantis's Intruder (ep. 202) so it's a little outdated. Oh yeah, and if anyone can find the point of this story, kindly email me! So, I warned ya: This story makes no sense and doesn't even try to! It doesn't even bother explaining anything at all! Stop now if you do not wish to be utterly confused or severely harmed. You can still turn back!

Disclaimer: Stargate Atlantis is not mine! Oh, I can wish, can't I?

The Second Spiral Down Into The Vortex of Nonsense

Last time in the Vortex:
"What the…" Sheppard looked up and sure enough, there was a shimmering pool of blue light in front of them.
"What do we do?" Ford frantically asked.
"Nothing more we can do," Elizabeth replied and as she pushed the Major down to go ahead of them, yelled, "And off we go!"

They tumbled out of the wormhole at full speed and hit the ground.

"Ow…" Sheppard groaned as he sat up.

"Ditto," McKay said as he rolled over on his back. His stomach had some major slide burns.

"Where are we?" Teyla said as she stood up and looked around at the forest-like terrain.

"Not sure," Dr. Weir said as she rubbed her head, "Where's Lieutenant Ford?"

They looked left and right but couldn't find him until they heard a familiar hollering coming from above them.

"Woohoo! Let's do that again!" Ford shouted.

He was stuck on the branches of a tall tree that resembled a redwood.

"Aiden Ford, you come down here this instant!" Weir shouted, sounding very much like a disgruntled mother.

"Wow, I can see everything from up here! Even my house!" Ford said eagerly.

The other four dashed to the base of the tree and looked up at Ford who was scanning the horizon.

"That's weird, there's no sign of the gate that we came from and Ford can see his house," Sheppard said.

"Oh no," McKay stuttered as he plopped down on the ground.

"What? You know what's happening? Tell us Rodney," Elizabeth demanded.

McKay slowly nodded, "We're dead!"

Sheppard slapped Mckay on the head, "If we were dead, you wouldn't have felt that."

McKay pouted, "You never know… I could have still felt that if we were on the same level of existence…"

"Oho! I think I see Cheyenne Mountain!" Ford hollered down at them.

"Wait a sec, why is your house near the SGC?" Elizabeth questioned.

"I am going up there," Teyla said as she began to climb the tree with amazing agility.

She was up where Ford was in ten seconds flat.

"That girl sure can shimmy," Sheppard said as he ran a hand through his hair.

Weir glared at him, "I believe it's called "shinning" up a tree and not "shimmy-ing"."

"I can see… my own village!" Teyla exclaimed.

"Don't you see? We are dead! Why would everything we know be in the same place?" McKay whimpered as he curled up into a ball.

"Alright, time for the leader to take charge!" Sheppard said as he stood up tall and struck the 'almighty-leader' pose.

He stood like that for a couple of minutes before Weir cleared her throat and pushed him out of the way.

"I agree and since I'm the leader, I'll take charge!"

"No, I'm the leader!"

"No, I am!" she growled.

"Out here, I'm the leader! Back in the city, you're the 'leader'!" Sheppard put finger quotes on the second leader he said.

McKay popped up and put himself between the two.

"We're in the underworld now kids!" McKay said maniacally, "And down here, I'm the big bad leader!"

Teyla, Ford, Weir, and Sheppard looked at him in shock. Suddenly, they all broke out in laughter as McKay looked at all of them incredulously.

"B-big b-bad leader!" Ford burst out.

"Underworld! C'mon McKay, you can do better than that!" Sheppard howled in laughter as he smacked the scientist on the back.

After they had their big laugh, Elizabeth took charge and assigned them their tasks. Ford and Teyla would remain lookout from the top of the trees. McKay would remain on the ground, or as he put it, the 'underworld', and do calculations on the dirt to keep his sanity. They handed him a blunt twig so that he could draw out the numbers on the dirt. Sheppard was to remain with McKay while Elizabeth went to explore.

"Why can't I go explore and you stay here with Mad McKay?"

"Because… you're good at math and you should double check his work! Besides, I never get to go exploring and that's what I came here to do. So you're gonna listen to me, bucko, or else I'll tell Mad McKay here that you're the devil in disguise and he'll be at your heels for the rest of your life!"

Sheppard backed down and sat by McKay who was just starting Pascal's triangle on the ground.

"I'll see you all later!" Weir said happily as she skipped away into the forest.

"Was that weird or what?" Sheppard muttered.

"According to my accurate calculations, our storylines are now going to diverge and split up," McKay said as he dotted his 'I's.

XXXXX

Elizabeth Weir had stopped skipping about a mile or so back and decided to just sit down on a nearby log and lay down.

"Oi… I think I should have just let John do the exploring. Oh well, anything to get away from Mad McKay…" she mumbled.

As she was about to stand up, she noticed a shadow coming toward her. She tilted her head and slowly followed the shadow to its owner.

"Long time no see Elizabeth."

XXXXX

"Go away!" McKay shouted suddenly causing Sheppard to jump awake.

"What the hell McKay!"

"Elizabeth… in danger," McKay rabidly said.

Sheppard stood up and started pacing, "Whaddya mean danger? Talk to me!"

McKay just sat scribbling in the dirt with his twig that was soon starting to get blunter and blunter. Feeling fed up with him, Sheppard grabbed the twig, broke it in half, and tossed it in the woods.

"Hey, tell me where Elizabeth is," Sheppard said calmly.

McKay pouted for a second and then smiled, "McKay'll show you. Come, come! Yesss."

Sheppard looked reluctant to follow this new primal McKay who kind of resembled Gollum, but he had no choice.

"You two up there! I'm going to look for—"

"We know! We heard you from up here! Go and find her! We'll be on look out!" Ford shouted.

With McKay as his guide, Sheppard dashed, crawled, jumped over streams, and leapt over cracks in the Earth until he found Dr. Weir's jacket, ripped and torn as if a large beast had clawed through it.

"This is not good," he said.

McKay growled suddenly. A shadow had descended on both of them. Sheppard turned around and gasped. McKay started to whimper.

"Well, if it isn't…" the voice paused and looked down at some papers, "Rodney McKay and his lapdog Major John Sheppard."

"Hey, I'm John Sheppard and he's the lapdog," Sheppard said, pointing at McKay, who was on all fours.

"Fine. Either way, you're both going to the same place."

XXXXX

Ford was happily looking to and fro from the top of the tree. Teyla managed to spot some things here and there.

"Do you think they are in danger?" Teyla finally asked.

"Hey, I should build a new slide… a water slide! That would be so awesome," Ford said triumphantly.

Teyla sighed and knew that she would have to do everything herself. Grabbing Ford by the collar, she threw him down the tree and she gracefully climbed down.

Ford sat up right away, "Teyla! Give me a warning at least!"

"Let us find the rest of the team."

"Fine… but I get to lead!" Ford said as he bounded off into the forest.

Teyla picked up two large sticks, weighed them in her hands and decided that they were sufficient. She followed Ford into the forest but immediately bumped into him because he was standing as still as a statue.

"T-Teyla, I think I wanna go back to the tree now."

"What could possibly be the matter? Oh… I see…" Teyla said as she dropped her sticks.

The shadow approached them, "Hello Lieutenant Aiden Ford. Hello Teyla Emug… Emeg… Ahem… Teyla."

Teyla glared at him for not greeting her first. That was most impolite in her culture. With lightning speed, she grabbed her sticks again and charged at the figure. With one swift movement, Teyla was pinned on the ground. Ford tried his Super Kick but was soon pinned to the ground as well.

XXXXX

Sheppard slowly opened his eyes and then shut them again. The bright sun was not helping them out at all. He was tied up to a wooden post and to his left, Rodney was tied as well.

"Damn it," he uttered.

"Hey Major!" Ford shouted.

Sheppard opened his eyes again and looked in front of him. About 5 yards away, tied up to a post was Ford and next to him, in the same predicament, was Teyla.

"What the hell are you two doing here? You're supposed to be on lookout!" Sheppard shouted back.

"Well, we came to save you, sir!" Ford answered.

"Let me be the first to say that you're doing a great job," Sheppard said.

They heard a rustling in the bushes and turned their attention toward it. A head was bobbing up and down and out from the bushes rolled… Dr. Elizabeth Weir!

She straightened herself up, fixed her hair and looked around. There on the four posts was her flagship team.

"Elizabeth! What're you doing?" Sheppard shouted.

"Me? I'm here to save you guys," she said as if it were the most obvious answer in the world.

"What? But McKay and I were supposed to save you," he replied.

"Great job you're doing of it," she said with a chuckle.

"Hey, that's what the Major said to us!" Ford said. "Wake up Teyla!"

Teyla jolted awake, "Oh, hello Dr. Weir!"

They nodded at each other with a smile. McKay also woke up and started to howl and scream. Sheppard tried calming him down by kicking him, but it was no use. He kept making a raucous.

"Rodney, shut up!" Weir shouted.

With that, he instantly stopped and whimpered as he tried to chew off his bonds. A soft clapping came from out of nowhere. All five pairs of eyes looked toward the clapping.

"Oh my, how I missed that commanding voice," the figure said as he stepped toward Dr. Weir.

"Simon, let them go now and I swear, I will not hurt you," she said icily.

"Come now Elizabeth, how can you hurt me more than you've already have?" Simon said with his arms out, ready for an embrace.

Elizabeth cracked her knuckles, "I'm giving you to the count of three."

Simon's arms collapsed to his side and in the most annoying voice possible, began to whine, "But Lizzy, I was so ready to win you back. You can't do this to me now."

"Always whining! That was just one of the reasons I left you! You're lucky you just got a video tape and not the real thing," she snapped as she flexed her fingers, showing off her talon like nails.

"Wow, she's scary when she's pissed," Sheppard said.

"You should know Major," Ford shouted in response.

"Do not draw her attention this way. We may be in danger of her wrath," Teyla whispered and Ford nodded while pursing his lips shut.

Elizabeth was now looming over the cowering Simon as he begged for mercy.

"Please, not this again. I'll set them free. I'll get you out of here, just please not that!"

"Go do it," she hissed.

Simon whipped out his knife and started to cut the ropes off of everyone. Sheppard and McKay were free and Ford and Teyla soon followed.

McKay whimpered again. Elizabeth slowly turned around. There was a certain fiery, dangerous light in her eyes. It was even scarier than the glow of a Goa'uld eye.

"Get off the ground," she growled, a new power raged in her voice, "Rodney, I said get up."

McKay stood up and dusted himself off, "Y-yeah, I was just… ahem…"

"Now, get us off this stinkin' planet," Elizabeth demanded.

Simon reached into his pocket and fumbled with a remote control device. He pushed in a few buttons and blanched when he looked up at Elizabeth.

"It's not working," Simon said, "I guess we're all stuck together."

A/N: Still here? Wow, I have to applaud you! Why's Simon there? I have no idea! Thanks for sticking with it!