Down The Slide… Into the Vortex of Nonsense!

A/N: This story is completely random, completely AU, and completely OOC. I wrote this before I saw Stargate Atlantis's Intruder (ep. 202) so it's a little outdated. Oh yeah, and if anyone can find the point of this story, kindly email me! So, I warned ya: This story makes no sense and doesn't even try to! It doesn't even bother explaining anything at all! Stop now if you do not wish to be utterly confused or severely harmed. You can still turn back! Look, count five seconds before you read further… Still wanna read this? Okie dokie…

Disclaimer: Stargate Atlantis is not mine! Oh, I can wish, can't I?

The Third Spiral Down Into The Vortex of Nonsense

Last time in the Vortex:
"Now, get us off this stinkin' planet," Elizabeth demanded.
Simon reached into his pocket and fumbled with a remote control device. He pushed in a few buttons and blanched when he looked up at Elizabeth.
"It's not working," Simon said, "I guess we're all stuck together."

If someone were to be sitting at the top of the tallest tree, they would have seen the most brilliant explosion in the middle of the forest. Also, they would have seen the most beautiful butterfly in the history of the universe… but that's beside the point. Right now, one Dr. Elizabeth Weir was extremely furious.

"What did the vomitus mass of coward say?" she shouted.

"Haha… just kidding dear," Simon said, "But for now, you're all stuck together."

With that he dashed away while pressing a few buttons on the remote control device and disappeared into the forest.

Four pairs of eyes were trying to look anywhere but at the angry woman.

"Let's go," she said between gritted teeth.

"Follow the leader!" Sheppard said, trying to lighten the mood.

The five walked through the forest without a single word and finally managed to get to the edge of the forest, which was quite surprising considering they weren't even looking for a way out of the forest. They had just been following Elizabeth and trying not to get snapped at. Besides, if they hung around the most dangerous creature in the woods, they were bound to be safe.

"What's that smell?" Weir asked.

"It's… it's food! We're saved!" McKay said as he kneeled down on the ground and raised his hands in the air, "We're saved!"

"That's not just any food. Oh no, that's good ol' Grandmama's cooking!" Ford exclaimed as he took a good whiff of the air.

"There is a cottage over there," Teyla pointed out.

"That's my Grandma's and Grandpa's house!" Ford exclaimed once again and dashed off toward it.

"Well, at least we'll get to eat before we die, right?" McKay said as they followed Ford.

They finally reached the house and saw an apple pie cooling on the window sill. Ford knocked on the door. He straightened his hat and his gear while wearing one of the brightest smiles they've ever seen.

The door opened and there was an old lady holding a tray of cookies.

"Oh my… is that my little Addy?" she asked, squinting her eyes.

"That's right Granny! It's little Addy!"

The Grandmother threw the cookies in McKay's greedy hands and hugged Ford.

"These are some of my friends," Ford said.

"Sure, come on in," she said with a grin like Ford's.

Ford was still hugging his Grandma, like he would never leave her again. McKay was already stuffing his mouth with the delicious chocolate chip cookies and dashed into the house, knowing full well that there would be more sweets to devour. Teyla, Sheppard, and Weir stepped into the house graciously and looked around. It was a quaint little house, but it was much better than they were used to in the past few hours.

"Who's that?" said a voice from the stairs.

They all looked up and sure enough, a tall old man stepped down the stairs and glared at them. He continued down the stairs and finally stopped at Ford. He stared down at the young lieutenant.

"What are you doing in my house?" he said in a deep, terrifying voice.

"Sir, I've come to visit the best grandparents in the world," Ford said with a smile.

The tall old man grinned back and gave his grandson a huge hug.

"I knew you'd come back someday Aiden!"

"Of course, I would! Now, can we eat?"

The five sat around the dinner table while Ford's grandparents served them. Everything was extremely scrumptious looking and no one hesitated to dig in.

Meanwhile, the two grandparents sat in the corner, smiling at the sight before them. They had waited for this day and it had finally come. It was time for the elders to shine again!

XXXXX

"Okay, so who wants some pie?" Granny Ford said.

"We do!" they all raised their hands like a bunch of school children.

"Give it to 'em," she responded in a gruff voice.

From out of nowhere sprung five pies, right into the faces of each Atlantis member. Granny and Grampa Ford were doubled over in laughter.

"You young 'uns are too slow!" bellowed Grampa Ford.

"Here, take these towels and get going," Granny Ford said as she handed each a towel and kicked them out of the house.

"We'll miss you Addy! But, you need to get back," Grampa Ford yelled.

Sheppard, Weir, McKay, Teyla, and Ford looked at each other and shrugged. Sometimes, old people were hard to figure out. With that, Weir led the way again and they crossed hill after hill and soon McKay would go up a hill just to roll down the other side.

"I'm gonna die…" McKay would yell as he rolled down the hill.

Soon, Ford joined him and they were rolling down hill after hill. Sheppard and Teyla decided to take part since, well, there was nothing better to do. Dr. Weir was pretty much holding her own until she tripped on a broken twig that seemed to come from out of nowhere. She got up off the ground and looked at the snapped pieces of twig.

"Who in their right mind would leave this out in the middle of nowhere?" she screamed.

She was at the top of the hill while the others had reached the bottom. Sheppard and McKay looked up at her.

"Don't those twigs look familiar?" Sheppard asked his friend.

"Indeed, they do. Hope I get to use it again," McKay replied as he prepared to go up another hill.

The five finally reached the last hill and plopped down on the top of it. The roller-downers decided to take a breather before going down their last hill. Besides, they had to start picking out the grass in their hair. Elizabeth took out, from her back pocket, the broken twig that she tripped over.

"I bet you this has something to do with everything," she said as she gazed at the splintered twig pieces.

"What if we're supposed to make fire with it?" Ford said as flapped his hat around.

"Can they be transformed into a device of some sort?" Teyla suggested.

"Brilliant idea Teyla. For that, you're promoted to second in command," Dr. Weir said.

Sheppard hopped up from the ground and pointed sternly at Elizabeth, "Hold on there missy! You can't possibly think I'm gonna settle for third in command when I'm the commanding officer around here!"

"Of course not," she said, "Obviously, you're fourth in command."

"What! Who's above me then?"

Weir pointed her twig randomly at McKay, "He is."

"Fine, but just as long as I get to order around Ford," Sheppard said as he plopped down on the ground, folded his arms, and pouted.

"Alright, time to embark on our journey again!" Elizabeth barked.

As they readied to roll down the hill, yes, even Elizabeth, McKay shouted out in warning.

"Hold on! I'm so brilliant that I amaze myself! Give me the twigs Elizabeth!"

She sighed and handed the twigs to him. He rubbed them together and started pressing on them, like there were invisible buttons on them.

"What the hell are you doing?" Sheppard said, who was getting impatient and really wanted to roll down the hill.

"I remember that I stored my equations on this twig but somebody had to break them and toss them away before I could complete the rest of the formula. Great, now I have to restore everything. Good thing I made a back up copy," he said as he took a leaf out of his pocket.

"That's amazing McKay," Ford said, who was hovering around the scientist.

McKay, with a triumphant look on his face, held up the repaired twig, tied together by the leaf from his pocket.

"It's done! With a swish of my wrist, we should be able to go back home!"

"Soooo, it's like a magic wand?" Ford said.

"Erm… I guess, unscientifically speaking, yes."

"Cool! Can I try it?"

"Not after I do. I made it after all."

McKay made a gesture with the makeshift wand. The hill began to rumble and shake. The five had to grab on to each to keep stable. A mist enveloped them and then disappeared. After the rumbling died down, each of them opened their eyes.

"Are we back?" Sheppard said cautiously.

"See for yourself," Elizabeth said, as she gazed down the hill they were on.

"What! We're still on the hill but this time it's way taller!" Sheppard said hysterically.

McKay patted himself on the back because he thought he deserved it. He also thought he deserved a raise, a new house, his old cat, recognition all over the world for being the greatest scientist who has ever graced the face of the universe, and of course, a nice piece of cake for all his efforts.

"Don't you see you morons! It's just like the slide! All we have to do is roll down this hill and back to Atlantis we go!" McKay said as he put away his trusty wand twig.

"I see your point, but I wish to see my old village," Teyla said.

"And I want to see the SGC," Sheppard complained.

"No, no!" Elizabeth shouted, "I want to get away from here so I don't have to run into that sniveling Simon!"

"Hey look, Granny gave me a batch of cookies," Ford said as he pulled out a bag of cookies from his backpack. "Yeah, she's awesome!"

McKay made a grab for it, but Ford pulled them away just in time. However, losing his balance, McKay fell down the hill, belly down first.

"I guess that's three votes to two!" Elizabeth said, "And don't worry Teyla, you can see your people on the mainland when we get back."

"I almost forgot about them! Thank you for reminding me Dr. Weir!" Teyla said and rolled down the hill.

"Me next!" Ford shouted in glee as he followed Teyla.

"I really wanted to thank General O'neill!" Sheppard whined.

Elizabeth glared at him. She was about to explode again like the time Simon started to whine. Sheppard quickly put on his most charming smile and waved at her as he jumped down the hill.

Elizabeth sighed and looked around the hill. She closed her eyes and tried to suppress a scream.

"Those idiots!" she seethed, "They rolled down the wrong side!"

A/N: Is that the end you exclaim? Well, I wanted to stop punishing you guys! Besides, the Vortex of Nonsense has come to a complete stop because frankly, the gas prices are too high. So, you made it to the end… I congratulate you!