Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of Harry Potter, for they belong all to J.K. Rowling. I do, however, own the plot.
Harry Potter and the Application.
Harry Potter sat alone at his small desk in his second floor bedroom at Privet Drive, thinking back to his last days at Hogwarts, he was now graduated and he needed a job. So he thought to himself,
"What would one, who single handedly saved the wizarding world, do for a living?" Harry chuckled at the thought and leaned back in his chair, "Oh ho I did save the world didn't I, and oh what a world it was..." But he was quickly distracted by something shiny.
Harry then proceeded to spend many, many sleepless nights tossing around ideas to answer his jobless question. He knew he wanted to do something worth while, so Auror, Healer and Ministry of Magic employee were automatically out.
"Why not be game keeper at Hogwarts?" Ron suggested from the corner of Harry's bedroom, were he and Hermione had been calming discussing the possibly of spontaneously combusting due to the unspoken sexual tension between themselves.
"Oh, Ron? When did you get here?" Harry asked confused.
"Oh, not to long ago...Hermione and I came here right after we graduated...you mean you didn't notice we were here?" Ron said looking downcast as Hermione, being so volatile, burst into tears and ran out of the room.
"Oh. Um. Yeah of course I did... anyway, game keeper won't work—obviously I am too small for Hagrid's hut!" Harry marveled at Ron's oblivion; everyone knew that Hagrid and his brother had moved to France to be with Madame Maxime, the 'big boned' woman of that snooty French wizarding academy.
"Oh right, that makes sense." Ron said. "I think I am going to pursue my passion and become..." He paused for dramatic effect. "Minister of Magic."
Harry blinked disbelievingly. "Ok, Ron, yeah go for it!" Harry said trying to give out some encouragement to Ron's delicate soul. (Ron had been taking 'emotional classes' to get his emotional range up to that of a normal human. He was making great progress, he moved up from a lowly teaspoon to a level nine tablespoon!) Ron smiled and went to look for Hermione.
"I've got it!" Harry suddenly shouted. "I will work...at Burger King!"
1.1.1.1.
"...and then I found twenty dollars!" Harry said hysterically, as his finished telling his story of the time he, single handedly, saved his rubber duckie from drowning in his Pineapple scented bubble bath water to a group of excited house-elves, who had for some reason unknown to him showed up in his bedroom.
"Harry! You know that these house-elves are here for their weekly V.O.M.I.T meeting!" Hermione said scathingly.
"V.O.M.I.T?" Harry said pondering, "V O M I T," Harry said slowly, sounding it out. "Oh, vomit? What's that?"
Hermione sighed, "Harry! It's my house-elf organization, the Vindication Of Manual labor Interns in The form of house-elves."
Harry stared, "Wouldn't that be T.V.O.M.L.I.I.T.F.O.H.E? And that doesn't spell anything."
Hermione stamped her foot indignantly, "That's ridiculous and you know it! You just don't have my intelligence! Neither of you understand me!" She burst into tears and ran from the room, shouting, "We'll hold our regular V.O.M.I.T meeting next week! Oh and Harry, how could you find twenty dollars? We are in England!"
Harry just looked puzzled.
"Well, I'd say that went rather good!" said a large house-elf sitting next to Harry.
"Quite well, quite well!" agreed a slightly smaller house-elf wearing a suit and tie.
The room was suddenly full of a deafening cracking noise as all the house-elves Disapparated.
"Holy heftyness!" Harry cried, falling backwards with his hands clapped over his ears.
"Whattayadoingupthereboy?" Uncle Vernon shouted
"...oh, you are still here too?" Harry replied
"Whatthedevilareyoutalkingaboutboy?" Uncle Vernon shouted back.
Harry shrugged.
1.1.1.1.
"That's it! Tomorrow, I am going to get my application at Burger King!" Harry said looking inside his small pink piggy bank to find there was some dust and a knut inside.
"Yes, I am little piggy wiggy, daddy will get you some moneyies to feed you, yes he will!" Harry said to the pig, making a face.
Hermione and Ron just stared.
1.1.1.1.
The next day the trio set out on a mission to get Harry his dream job at Burger King. They entered the restaurant in slow motion with a song from 'Mission Impossible' playing in the background. They all whipped off their sunglasses at the same time, and Hermione shook back her hair in a very sexy leading-lady-sort-of-way as Ron fell spectacularly doing a couple somersaults, then quickly stood up as time resumed normality.
Harry walked up to the cashier and said, "I'd like a number seven combo with fries and a coke, oh and yes, I'd like to biggie size it." He said impressively as the girl making the fries swooned and fell to the floor as Harry gave her a smile.
"Will that be all for you?" The cashier asked.
"Oh yes, I'd like an application...for a job."
The cashier handed over a piece of paper saying, "Your mission, should you chose to accept it, is to fill out this form with references, job history, likes and dislikes, recent accomplishments, and favorite scent, then bring it back in to be considered."
"I will try my best, and if I die in the attempt, think well of me!" Harry said and he disappeared off in to the night with hopes of being manager one day.
1.1.1.1.
Name: Harry James Potter
Position being applied for: Fry cook.
List three, non relative references. List their, name, how they know you, and can we contact them:
Ron Weasley - School mate, yes.
Hermione Granger - school mate, yes.
Rubeus Hagrid - friend/teacher, if you want to make a long distance phone call to France, sure.
List previous Jobs held: n / a
List all recent accomplishments: Defeated Dark Lord Voldemort.
List all likes and dislikes: Well, I like long walks on the beach, barefoot, of course, the musical stylings of the 'New Kids on the Block', and anything 'Hello Kitty.' I also have a knack for saving the day. Oh, I am also a sucker for Chinese food! I dislike anything negative as well as smelly people and oh yeah, whipped cream.
Favorite scent: That's an easy one, Vanilla Mocha Chip.
Lastly, why do you want to be a Burger King employee: Why do I want to work at Burger King! This is my passion, I have always wanted to do something of meaning with my life and if I work at Burger King, I can achieve that. My life will not be complete until I work for you.
1.1.1.1.
After toiling away on his application, with Hermione wiping sweat from his brow every three and a half minutes and Ron refreshing him with water every fourth minute, he finished and headed back to Burger King, alone.
"I am here to turn in my application." Harry said bravely after his slow motion entrance.
"Excellent." said the cashier, handing the application to the manager who looked at it briefly and said those magic words, "Yo, you're hired."
Harry could hardly believe it. As he jumped up in victory, he cried, "Yes! This is the best day of my life! My dream has come true!"
The manager handed over a plum colored polyester uniform (complete with hat) and a shiny name tag that said: Welcome to Burger King, My Name is Harry.
"When do I start?" Harry asked excitedly.
"Right now." the manager said "Let me give you a tour, here is your station, here is your grease, -"
"Here is my handle, and here is my spout, when I get all steamed up, hear me shout 'tip me over and pour me out!'" Harry chimed in excitedly.
"That's the kind of attitude we need here Potter, excellent work!" the manager said clapping Harry on the back. "Oh, and here is the fry cook you are replacing." He gestured to -
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Harry cried in anguish, for he was replacing the girl at whom he had smiled the day before.
"Oh, Amy, I'm so sorry, I had no idea." Harry said rushing forward to a dejected looking Amy-the-old-fry-cook.
"Don't worry about it Harry. I still like you, I know it's not your fault, how can someone so adorable be at fault!" Amy said and proceeded to swoon, fall to the floor, and be dragged away by the drive thru window guy, Chuck.
Then, Harry stood at the fry grease, preparing to dip in his first batch of frozen fries. He was giddy with anticipation and, as he slowly slid the basket down into the grease, it crackled and popped loudly. Suddenly, a small bit of super hot grease escaped its fiery chasm and flew right on to Harry's arm.
Harry blinked, and then a searing pain shot through his arm. He screamed like a little girl and ran out of the place. All that was left was a shiny name tag spinning on the floor.
'Well, I guess we need a new fry cook." the manager said.
Hermione and Ron just stared.
A/N: The idea for this parody was partly contributed by my friend Mary, otherwise known as Aria327. That's all.