Alright, for any of you who read my profile, you'll know that I said two weeks before another story. I lied. I'll put up the first chapter then it'll be two weeks before the rest of it! Okay. Here it goes.

Info to Know

Red Dwarf crash landed on a planet inhabited by . . . humans! Very lucky for Lister and Cat, but not so much for Kryten and Rimmer who were laughed at and made fun of. Luckily, Lister and Cat vouched for Kryten and Rimmer so that they would not get thrown into jail for being a disruption of the peace. Instead, Lister, Cat, Rimmer and Kryten were chosen to perform on the talk show Describing Life. In Describing Life the contestants each describe their living conditions and their friends. On in the case of Red Dwarf, acquaintances. The people on planet Letslivehappylives needed a bit more fun, and the Dwarfers were chosen to give it to them.

Behind the Scenes . . Lister

"Hello Mr . . . ." said a friendly lady, shaking Lister's hand.

"Dave, Dave Lister," he said.

"Hello Dave Lister. I'm Leona Alwaysright, the host of Describing Life. You and your friends have been chosen to appear on this daily talk show and talk about your friends and your life." She smiled showing all thirty-six of her pearly whites and shook her head to get the hair out of her eyes.

This lady is way too happy, thought Lister, nodding and smiling while pretending to pay attention.

"Oh goodie!" said Lister sarcastically. "It's what I've always wanted."

"Right," said Leona, leading him into a small conference room. "This is where one of our five producers will talk to you. You can sit down in this chair right here," she said, motioning to a rigid backed chair.

For the only time in his entire life, Lister was happy to be out of the company of a woman. The lady with fake red hair, cut into a bob style, left the room, smiling and giving him a wave that would have been embarrassing if he had been paying attention.

A tall man walked into the room. "Hello Mr. Lister, I'm Bobo Neverwrong, producer and CEO of Describing Life. I've come to tell you your phrase."

Lister stared at him blankly.

"Oh, did Leona not tell you? Well, whenever we interview you about a person in your life you must use this phrase in describing them. Your phrase is 'undeniably stupid.'" said Bobo, smiling at him.

"So, if they asked me about you, I would have to say something like, Bobo is undeniably stupid?" asked Lister.

"Yes," said Bobo, still smiling, obviously not having caught the insult. "But you say more than that. Tell us everything about that person from your point of view."

"Okay," said Lister dully.

"Now, I'm going to leave you here. Don't go anywhere, so we can find you when it's time for you to go on stage!" Bobo left the room, thankfully.

Behind the Scenes . . . Rimmer

"Hello there, I'm Leona Alwaysright," said Leona Alwaysright.

"Hi, I'm Admiral Arnold J. Rimmer," said Rimmer.

"Good to meet you. Follow me please."

Rimmer followed the lady. Her smiled seemed to be plastered onto her face. Man, that was annoying.

"In here please," she said, ushering Rimmer into a conference room different from Lister's. "You are going to be on the show Describing Life. On this show, I will interview you about your life and acquaintances. You will tell me all about them from your point of view, but when talking about each person, you must use the phrase 'what a git!'"

"That won't be too hard," muttered Rimmer.

"Lovely. Now you stay in here until you are called onto the stage. Buh bye Arnie!" she said, waving her little wave and smiling her little smile.

Behind the Scenes . . . Cat

"Erm, excuse me?" asked Leona, looking at Cat licking his jacket.

"What do you want?" asked Cat. Looking up, he saw it was a woman, "Can I help you? My name is Cat, and I am at your service whenever you need me," he purred.

She laughed. "Please follow me," she said. "My name is Leona Alwaysright and I am the host of the talk show Describing Life. You are a contestant in it." They walked down the hallway a little more, Cat staring at Leona. "Please go into this room. Ira Notanidiot will be in to talk with you soon."

Cat walked in the room, praying to Cloister that Ira was a girl too.

A short, fat, hairy man walked into the room. "Hi, I'm Ira Notanidiot," he said in a rat-like voice. "I'm going to tell you about our show. Leona will interview you about your life and your friends. Whenever she asks you about your friends you have to use the phrase 'down the drains,' in describing them."

"Okay. When do I see Leona?" asked Cat.

"Shortly," replied Ira. "Now you wait in here until you are called." He left the room.

Behind the scenes . . . Kryten

"Will you please follow me?" asked Leona, sneaking up behind Kryten and scaring him out of his mind.

"Yes, ma'am," he said, putting his eyes back into place for they had popped out when Leona spoke.

They walked down a long hallway to yet another conference room. "My name is Leona Alwaysright and I am the host of the show Describing Life. Please wait in this room for one of our producers to explain to you about the show."

"Alright ma'am. I'm Kryten, by the way, Kryten 2X4B 523P."

"Nice to meet you Mr. 2PX5 P4B2," she called, walking out of the room.

"2X4B 523P," said Kryten angrily.

"Hallo there!" said a lady walking into the room. "I am Sarah Verysmart, co-producer of the talk show here."

Kryten nodded.

"On this show you will talk about your life and your friends. When you talk about your friends, you must use the phrase 'dirtier than doorknobs' in your description at least one time each. I will be back in a few minutes to bring you onto the stage."

Sarah walked out of the door leaving Kryten to himself.

Behind the Scenes . . . Leona Alwaysright

Leona wiped the fake smile off her face before entering the production room. "This is going to be a very good show, a very good show," she said, talking to all of her producers.

"I trust you are going to do it the normal way Mrs. Alwaysright?" asked Bobo Neverwrong.

"Yes. But I will make it more intersting," said Leona.

"Good," smirked Sarah Verysmart.

Ira Notanidiot nodded in agreement.

So, what's going to happen? If you review really fast, I might be able to get another chapter up tomorrow!