ALiCE
-5-
Coming into the case at such a late time really put me at a disadvantage. The doctor
before me had already succumbed ALiCE to scores of unexplainable tests and
experiments, affecting her in God knows how many other extreme ways. ALiCE, being
unaware of my true identity, trusts me no more than she possibly ever trusted the monster
before me, and because of that I must fight longer and harder than I have ever fought for a
patient before.
I can see the parallels between my child and the one written of in Lewis Carroll's story
visions. I know the rest of the staff finds it amusing, and deems me mad for even
bothering to rescue one who seems so intent on emotionally drowning her psyche. Try as
I might, I cannot walk away from this. This girl is the only family I have left besides a
distant sister who secretly blames me for all that has gone wrong in the world. This is my
last chance to make someone love me. Okay, perhaps not make, but allow. Encourage
even. (Maybe I should be the one seeing a doctor.)
I cannot explain my theories that even now, confuse even myself. Once upon a time I
was convinced that her demeanor was all a game, but perhaps that is because I genuinely
wish for it to be one. I want her to come out of her shell, and by supposing that she
herself has the power to do so, without any real psychiatric assistance, would make the
job that much easier.
I look back now and cringe at my notes, wondering what could have possibly come over
me. To suppose that something as small and as surprising as a white rabbit could be the
flying flag that signaled the falsity of her disposition robs me of actually having to admit
that something's actually wrong with my only daughter. (Redundancy is the sign of a
lazy mind.) The father figure within me wants the perfect daughter, with the perfect life.
The father within me wants to take away all the pain and suffering that I wasn't there to
help her through, and make her whole and pure once again.
Perhaps I am the one who should be chasing the white rabbit. The evasive creature that
represents the innocence of my altered daughter. To catch the rabbit, to bring back what
was lost in the rape, in the trial, and in the murder, would make her better, and would let
me at long last retire from a profession that has left me a disillusioned and bitter old man
(who's not even a day over thirty-seven).
My last case is my own disturbed daughter.
Someday it'll be over.
Someday we will go home.
***
-5-
Coming into the case at such a late time really put me at a disadvantage. The doctor
before me had already succumbed ALiCE to scores of unexplainable tests and
experiments, affecting her in God knows how many other extreme ways. ALiCE, being
unaware of my true identity, trusts me no more than she possibly ever trusted the monster
before me, and because of that I must fight longer and harder than I have ever fought for a
patient before.
I can see the parallels between my child and the one written of in Lewis Carroll's story
visions. I know the rest of the staff finds it amusing, and deems me mad for even
bothering to rescue one who seems so intent on emotionally drowning her psyche. Try as
I might, I cannot walk away from this. This girl is the only family I have left besides a
distant sister who secretly blames me for all that has gone wrong in the world. This is my
last chance to make someone love me. Okay, perhaps not make, but allow. Encourage
even. (Maybe I should be the one seeing a doctor.)
I cannot explain my theories that even now, confuse even myself. Once upon a time I
was convinced that her demeanor was all a game, but perhaps that is because I genuinely
wish for it to be one. I want her to come out of her shell, and by supposing that she
herself has the power to do so, without any real psychiatric assistance, would make the
job that much easier.
I look back now and cringe at my notes, wondering what could have possibly come over
me. To suppose that something as small and as surprising as a white rabbit could be the
flying flag that signaled the falsity of her disposition robs me of actually having to admit
that something's actually wrong with my only daughter. (Redundancy is the sign of a
lazy mind.) The father figure within me wants the perfect daughter, with the perfect life.
The father within me wants to take away all the pain and suffering that I wasn't there to
help her through, and make her whole and pure once again.
Perhaps I am the one who should be chasing the white rabbit. The evasive creature that
represents the innocence of my altered daughter. To catch the rabbit, to bring back what
was lost in the rape, in the trial, and in the murder, would make her better, and would let
me at long last retire from a profession that has left me a disillusioned and bitter old man
(who's not even a day over thirty-seven).
My last case is my own disturbed daughter.
Someday it'll be over.
Someday we will go home.
***