Woah! I went on an unexpected vacation, but now I'm back and writing for you. Thanks a billion to Zombie Kitty, Sunrise over the Tango factory, cazflibs, and boogle. I loved your reviews! Excellent. Here is Rimmer's interview . . .

Rimmer Interviewed

Rimmer was nervous. Sure, he had the chance to make the impression of a lifetime, but the things that the others had said about him were making him feel totally awful. Seriously, he felt as if he was going to die of self inflicted embarrassment.

Oh well.

He jumped up as Leona Alwaysright herself entered his chamber. "Will you please hurry up?" she hissed. "The crowd can only watch mechanoid commercials for so long." Under her breath she added, "I hate those blasted metal things . ."

Rimmer gave his signature salute and followed Leona out of the room, butterflies bouncing around in his stomach. He tried to turn around as soon as he saw the size of the crowd and the number of video cameras, but two surly security guards had been tailing him. They caught him mid turn and dragged him out onto the stage.

Leona sat down on her fluffy chair and the guards ushered Rimmer to the adjacent one. She gestured to the cameras and the tall cameraman gave the countdown.

Three.

Two.

One.

The crowd applauded. Leona stood up, "And welcome back to another marvelous session of Describing Life." The crowd continued applauding. "Our newest addition to our line of contestants is one Arnold Judas Rimmer." Rimmer cringed. The audience laughed. "So, Arnold," Leona sat and turned to face Rimmer, "tell me, no tell the world, how you fell about your shipmates."

Rimmer stood up and saluted. There were sniggers from the crowd. Rimmer threw the dirtiest look he could muster, but only succeeded in making himself look like he was constipated. Oops.

"My shipmates," he boomed, striding over the stage, a new confidence taking over his body, "are complete and utter smegheads." Leona nodded at him appreciatively.

"Let me begin with Lister. The first thing that pops into mind when you think of Lister is . . 'what a git!' He lounges around without socks on and wearing shirts that look as if a cat puked on them watching sappy movies that make him cry. It's utterly . . well actually, it's quite funny." Rimmer put on a face that related him to a monkey and mimed watching a movie. All of a sudden he feigned crying. The crowd laughed. At him, not with him.

Rimmer however thought that he was getting encouraged. "Then there is Cat. Cat thinks himself the most beautiful person in the world, when in reality, what a git! I mean, he is awful. I cannot even begin to describe how dreadfully dreadful he really is. He goes around staring at himself all the time."

The crowd stared at Rimmer as if he were the scum of the universe.

He coughed, embarrassed. "Hmm, well. Kryten was good for a while. He helped do laundry and peel potatoes, then all of a sudden, he went insane. He kept calling me a smee, a smeee heee actually. I've never quite figured out why. What a git!"

He sat. The crowd looked expectantly at Leona. She cleared her throat. "Well. Give a round of applause to our final contestant. Later today we will bring them all up here together and see what sparks fly. Will it be for the better? Or for the worse?"

Rimmer was escorted off stage as the cameras shut off to make way for commercials.

Lister, Kryten, and Cat were all sitting as far away from the big screen as possible. They could hardly bear the thought of Rimmer being out there alone. Kryten had already attempted suicide twice. Fortunately, the damage was not too bad.

Those movies, they really are sad. Curse Rimmer for not watching them, thought Lister, tears coming to his eyes as he thought of what had happened to Selenea is the last movie.

What is he talking about? thought Cat, I am the most beautiful person in the world. No, the universe. He brushed his hair.

What a smeeeee— What a smeeee heeeeeeee! thought Kryten.

Okay, next is them all together. Please review! Hope you liked it.