Part Two: Quest for Dream
By Hibbah
Another failed cure. How many more will there be I wonder? That is the third cure I have tried in one month. Haibara says she's getting closer, and I don't disbelieve her. I just…I don't know really. I just want it to be finally over…
My body is still burning from the physical change it just underwent. The after-effects have been getting worse every time now. Haibara can't tell whether that's a good thing or not. Personally, I think it can't signify anything good. I fear that, if my body keeps on receiving this kind of stress, my heart might not be able to take it. I'm no doctor, I know that. But I've done enough research to know the consequences. Haibara knows too, though she won't tell me. She knows I won't listen anyway. I never thought I'd say this, but…I'd rather be dead than stuck like this forever. After all, it's not like I have anything left to go on for. It's been five years since the Organization got me. Ran has gone to college, and met someone there she really cares about. Yeah, she got over Shinichi. I can't blame her, it's not like I was ever there. And she seems happy enough. I can't ever begrudge her that. It's really nobody's fault, except for those bastards. I am glad she is happy, I really am. I had plenty of chances to tell her the truth all these years. If she had known who I really was, she would've stuck by me; Ran's loyal like that. But I would rather be unhappy and have her safe than be happy and put her in extreme danger. I would much rather suffer myself than see her suffer besides me, torturing herself with things that could've been. No, it's just better this way. This way, I only sacrifice myself, a small price to pay for her happiness. But like I said, I really don't have anything worth holding on for. I realized long ago that I would never be able to catch the Syndicate all by myself. So even if I do return to my own body, there's not much chance of me bringing them to justice. So I'd have to stay low to make sure they never found me and killed me after all. I would have to live the life of a fugitive. It wouldn't be all that different from my current lifestyle.
If I am completely honest with myself, I'll admit the truth. I have given up hope. Come on, it's been five years. Haibara is still working hard on it, but sometimes I can sense she's close to giving up too. The repeated taking of the temporary cures is wearing us both out. I feel like I am slowly fading already. I have even told Haibara to forget about the cure, but she refused to listen. I know why she's doing this. She's still feeling guilty for creating the drug, so she is determined to find a cure and "give me my life back". I didn't know what to say after that. I honestly don't blame her. The drug would probably have been made even if she hadn't been there; it's not like the Syndicate lacks scientists after all. And her father had already laid down all the basics. She just took his work and continued it. Anyone else could've done the same thing. And since this drug was the first stage to reaching immortality, they would've gone to any ends to have it made. No, I really don't blame her for it. But she refuses to listen to me when I say that, so I just let her be. At least she doesn't bug me about not giving up the way Hattori remains inclined to.
Yeah, Hattori has stuck by me till now. He's a really good friend, and now I am actually old enough that we can solve cases together without anyone wondering why a little kid is tagging along. He always remembers to tell me not to give up, be it face to face or through a phone call. His continuous optimism never fails to amaze me.
I don't see him as much as I used to though; he's busy with Kazuha-san now. The baka finally got the nerve to ask her out two years ago, and one year later they turned up engaged. Seeing them can be bittersweet, not that I would ever tell him that. It just reminds me of what Ran and I could've had. Only I wouldn't have taken ages to gather my courage like he did. On the other hand, maybe I would have…
I can hear Haibara in her lab, typing away on her laptop, still at it. The sound drags me out of my remembrance and back to the real world. I haven't moved around like I was supposed to, and now my muscles have gone stiff. Haibara won't be happy with me at all, but there's nothing I can do about that now. Just another thing to add to an already crappy day.
I resign myself to lying down on the couch; my whole body feels sore now, and I am getting tired. I always get tired after those cures. I wish I didn't have to take the pills anymore, that there was no need to take them. But wishing does no one any good, does it?
My eyes start drooping, and I can feel myself sinking into oblivion. A happy smile forms on my lips. I can dream; my dreams are my own, in them I see what I want to see, and am what I want to be. In my dreams, I am still Kudo Shinichi, high school detective extraordinaire. In my dreams, I still have Ran with me; we are together, and we are happy. In my dreams, "Conan" doesn't exist. The Black Syndicate never shows up. Gin, Vodka, Vermouth, Jodie, all of these people do not exist in my dreams. I know that they are just that: dreams. But that doesn't mean I can't enjoy them…