The Final Fantasy VII Fairytale Collection
A/N: Thought this was a decent, humor-free fic? Nope, you're dead wrong. That's why this is included along with other humor fics. Hello?
Oh, and before anyone accuses me and tries to kill me for bestowing upon Cid, Sephiroth, and other Final Fantasy characters "different" traits, please remember that I typed this story the way it is for the sake of humor (The title should give you a clue as to how the characters, the main one in particular, would act.). In short, don't take it seriously. Too seriously, even.
Apologies to all Cid, Reno and Sephiroth fans in advance. Also to all hillbillies/bumpkins and their fans, in general.
Disclaimer: Don't own Final Fantasy VII, as well as the fairytales I'm gonna mess up in this series.
Fairytale #1: Ciderella!
Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away called Midgar, lived a nobleman who had a son named Cid, who was so addicted to cigarettes that the moment little Cid came out from the womb he already had a cigarette in his mouth. The same cigarette caused Cid's mother to die the moment she gave birth due to nicotine poisoning, but the nobleman didn't mind. He brought Cid all the cigarettes the little bastard could ever want, and the nobleman made sure to bring his son with him every time he went to the store so that Cid could listen to all the swearing and cussing so that he would grow up to be "a real man". Sadly, despite all his efforts, the nobleman failed, and Cid somewhat adopted an unmanly behavior from unknown means, though the nobleman had suspicions that Cid's attitude came from living in a neighborhood where he and his father were the only men for miles. Later on the nobleman married a woman named Elmyra, who had two children of her own named Rude and Reno, who, strangely enough, were also in touch with their… feminine side, like Cid. As if that really matters.
Like most fathers/kings/noblemen/whatevers in fairytales, Cid's father grew sick and soon died. Thus, the young and dashing Cid (who am I kidding?) was soon left to do his stepmother's bidding, along with his stepbrothers' constant whining, occasional vomiting due to excessive drinking, and bossing around in general.
And now, the cussing starts… or does it?
Ciderella was a good, obedient lad, who lived with his stepmother and stepbrothers after his father died. Unfortunately for good-tempered Ciderella, his two stepsiblings refused to help him with all the chores, leaving Ciderella to do all the dirty work in the house.
"I do not mind," Ciderella declared in his sing-song voice which might grate your nerves. "Someday, my prince will come…" he sang, not knowing that he was supposed to wait for a princess and that he was singing a song from another fairytale.
His stepbrothers, Reno and Rude, had a song too: "Ciderella, Ciderella, polish Rude's bald head, Ciderella… you've got rabies, you scare ladies, Ciderellah!"
Ciderella, however, was used to all of his stepbrothers' taunting since most of the stuff in the song was true. However, Cinderella's suffering elevated to a completely new level when an invitation arrived in the mail.
"Oh look-ah, dear Rude-ah, we've been-ah invited-ah to the Royal Ball-ah," Reno gloated pleasantly as he sauntered along the marble floor, sashaying in his blue satin dress… er, outfit.
"The Royal Ball?" Rude asked in alarm, taking mental note of all the party clothes he had in his closet and panicked. "Oh dear! We've no clothes appropriate for the occasion!"
"Whatever shall we do-ah, dear brother-ah!"
It was then that their mother, Elmyra, came into the room. "Have no worries, my children! Let us then go to Wall Market and have dresses made for each of us!"
"Oh mother dearest-ah! Can I have-ah the Satin Dress-ah?" Reno asked in that pompous little way of his.
"Only when you can bend over and kiss your ass."
Reno promptly did as he was told, and Elmyra shrugged. "Guess I'll just have the Silk Dress, then."
"Dear stepmother," Ciderella interrupted before they could leave him again, "can I go with you, too? I've no decent clothes left, and my present clothing looks dreadfully awful. I'd be in no condition to meet the Princess."
"You?" Elmyra snapped back haughtily with her hands on her hips, "Going to the Royal Ball? Hah! The only way that could happen is when the mighty Sephiroth sprouts fairy wings!" With that, she turned on her heel and left with her schizophrenic children, their evil laughter echoing down to Mideel.
Ciderella looked at them sadly. "I'll never meet the Princess, then."
Later on-
With his evil stepmother and evil stepbrothers off to the Royal Ball, poor Ciderella had no choice but to stay home and mope over his sad fate.
"Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo…" the teary-eyed Ciderella blew his nose on his apron. "Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo…"
Just then, a ray of pink light shone upon him, and as he looked up, Ciderella laid eyes on a creature he had never seen before, with long white hair and powerful fairy wings flapping behind the creature's back.
"Who… who the !#$ are you?" Ciderella wiped the tears from his eyes and stood up, mop still in hand.
"I am your Fairy Godmo- that is, I am your Fairy Godfather, child," the Fairy GodFATHER replied, almost taking his supposed role a bit too far. "Now what are you so sad for?"
Ciderella looked up at his Fairy Godfather, then to the Royal Castle on the top of the nearby hill. "Princess Aerith is having a ball at the Castle, but I… I…" he then burst back into tears.
"Do you want to go to the ball, Ciderella?" The Fairy Godfather asked.
"I can't go," said Ciderella. "My ratty old jacket has more holes than a cheese grater, and my boots fill up with water even when I'm walking on dry land. I can't go to the ball in these clothes." He continued, looking down at his blue and green getup, which looked even worse than when Midgar was bombed by Diamond Weapon.
"Let me help you, then," said the Fairy Godfather. "I will give you all the things you want for the ball. Go and get me a big pumpkin."
Ciderella, however, was too excited to pay close attention to what Sephiro- I mean, the Fairy Godfather was saying, so instead of going to the vegetable store and buying a pumpkin, he went straight to the Chocobo stables and dragged Choco Billy by the ear. "I've brought the bumpkin you wanted, Fairy Godfather."
"Silly Ciderella," the Fairy Godfather scolded him slightly, looking Choco Billy over menacingly. "This one's barely three feet tall. I asked for a big one."
He looked over his shoulder and said in a loud voice to Ciderella, "Get Choco Bill instead."
So Ciderella went back to the chocobo stables, threw Choco Billy in the chocobo fence, where he was pecked to death by all the chocobos that he had starved to insanity, and got his grandfather, Choco Bill, instead.
Ciderella's excitement must have rubbed off on the Fairy Godfather too, for the latter paid no attention to the struggling Choco Bill and turned him into a coach, complete with hat and jumper.
"Now go and get me some mice." The Fairy Godfather said after that.
Ciderella went straight inside the house, marched upstairs to Rude's room, peeked under Rude's bed, and yanked Red XIII out by the tail and searched thoroughly thru the creature's furry red fur.
"Here are the lice you asked for, Fairy Godfather."
With a wave of his Masamune, which now had a golden star sticker on its edge, the Fairy Godfather turned the lice into skittering chocobos, which seemed to have some lice on them themselves.
"There! Everything you need for the Royal Ball." The Fairy Godfather puffed out his chest proudly and placed the star-tipped Masamune back in its scabbard.
Ciderella looked murderous. "But… but… what about me?" He asked desperately, clutching at the rags that were his clothes. "The Princess can't see me in these!"
"Oh, right." The Fairy Godfather looked thoughtful for a second. "I know." He went over to Ciderella with a bossy expression. "Give me all of your clothes."
"My… my CLOTHES!"
"Now." Sephiroth looked impatient. Ciderella looked at him doubtfully for a second, and, after making sure no one was around, took off all his rags. "What are you going to do with them? Are you going to make me new ones?"
"Wha…?" His Fairy Godfather asked, then nodded immediately. "Uh… of course. I'm gonna send them to a friend of mine, and she'll do something unimaginable to them, you'll never know you had clothes."
He was about to leave, when the Fairy Godfather suddenly turned around. "And before I forget, be home by midnight; otherwise, the spell would wear off and you'd turn into all of those things you got for me."
Without another word, the Fairy Godfather gave his fairy wand a twirl and was gone, going off to Wutai, where his friend lived.
At Wutai
"Yuck!" Yuffie stuck her tongue out at seeing the tattered rags Ciderella called 'clothes'. "I don't think these things could even fetch a gil!" she searched for something in her cabinet, and pulled out a bottle of glue. Pouring some of the sticky stuff over one of the holes, Yuffie held it up and beamed at her work. "Oh well."
Back at Midgar
Ciderella was getting impatient, and that was saying something. His Fairy Godfather had been gone for nearly an hour now, with no sign of his newly mended clothes. It was getting very late, and the Royal Ball was bound to end soon. Ciderella had to do something. Besides, it was getting chilly out here, with him in the buff and all, doing nothing. He went inside the house, poked a little in his closet, and found the old SOLDIER uniform he salvaged from a dead body he found beside their house a long time ago.
With a smile on his stubbly face, Ciderella grabbed the box of cigarettes on the table in a rush, upsetting the table in his desire to get as soon as possible to the Royal Ball. "Can't be bothered with that," he said gruffily, and opened the front door, hopped inside the coach and poked the chocobos attached to it with his mop. "Giddyap!" he yelled, and the poor lice-infested creatures sped off towards the castle faster than you can sneeze. Giving the valet a cigar to park the coach and the chocobos, Ciderella then took a deep breath and went inside the castle…
"But dear-ah Princess-ah, why-ah won't you dance with me-ah?"
Princess Aerith cast a wary glance at Reno in his usual blue Turks suit and looked away. "Because you have an annoying accent, you stepped on my garden at the church, and you're an asshole."
"Oh." Reno shrugged and went to dance instead with the ditzy blonde in a blue Turks suit, the same as his.
The Princess leaned back in her throne and sighed, sticking out her foot to trip the whole line of dancers doing the conga. Why, oh why, couldn't she find a man whose name started with the letter 'C' and ended with the letter 'D', had blonde hair, wore blue clothes and carried big-ass weapons all the time? Princess Aerith stood up, sighed once more, and threw her Princess Guard staff away in disappointment, hitting someone on the back of his head. "Ow! #$&! Who was the #$ who threw that!"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the Princess went over to the man and apologized. She gave a gasp when she saw who it was. There, in front of her, was her blue-clothes-wearing, big-ass-weapons-carrying man!
"Princess Aerith-" Ciderella stuttered, realizing that he had just cursed the princess. "I'm sorry-"
He immediately shut up as the Princess looked him over. "Do you always wear blue clothes?"
"Uh… yes?"
"Do you carry big, oversized weapons all the time?"
Ciderella rubbed his stubbly chin in thought. "I think so."
"And your name has GOT to end in 'C' and 'D'!" Princess Aerith gushed excitedly, jumping up and down in that cute little way only she can do. "My prince…" she sighed and hugged Ciderella at the waist. "I'll never let you go." She paused, and sniffed his clothes. "You smell as if you've been smoking since you were born, though."
"Oh, but I have." And Ciderella told her all about his smoking addiction and his obsession with riding chocobos and snowboarding down mountains no sane human would dare take on. The Princess was greatly interested in his stories, and their conversation went on as they danced and danced until the soles of their shoes had holes, and even these holes had holes in them. Ciderella was having the time of his life, when suddenly he heard the huge clock in the tower strike twelve. It was the first strike, and he only had eleven left before the spell wore off. "I have to go." He said and turned around, obviously in a hurry.
"Don't leave me! Wait!" the Princess blocked his way and flipped her hair over her shoulder, trying her best to make him stay. "You can't go. I will never let go of you."
"But I really have to GO!" Ciderella shoved Aerith off to one side angrily, causing the cigarette that he never took out of his mouth to fall. He left it there and charged down the stairs. Ten strikes left, and he'd turn into a lice-infested bumpkin. No way was he gonna take that.
"Wait! Don't go! Please!" Aerith cried out once more, and ran to Ciderella's side, a basket full of flowers on her arm. "Do you like them? They're only a gil…?"
Ciderella was about to take out a gil, but he remembered that it wasn't him who was supposed to be buying a flower from the Flower Lady and ran down even faster, leaving Princess Aerith in the dust with her basket of wilted flowers. Nine strikes… eight…
He looked over to the parking lot and saw Choco Bill with wheels instead of feet, and chocobos sprouting antennae out of their heads and sucking the blood of any living creature that passed by. The spell was wearing off, Ciderella was sure of that, and he was thankful that he was wearing a non-magical SOLDIER uniform. At least the Princess didn't have to see him in his rags.
"Almost there," Ciderella almost shouted in glee, racing towards his house as fast as he could. There was only one strike left, and he could have made it through the door, if not for the table blocking his way.
DING.
"Hah! I made it!" Ciderella jumped in joy, not realizing that he was now only a quarter of a millimeter in size and that he was now wearing overalls and a straw hat. "Hee-haw!"
Back at the palace, Princess Aerith was feeling sad. Not just because she lost half of her guests to the blood-sucking half-chocobo, half-lice creatures that appeared on the castle grounds, nor to the hillbilly that ran over the other half of her guests at the castle's parking lot, but because her blue-clothes-wearing, big-ass-weapons-carrying prince was gone. She was about to lose all hope of seeing him again when a peculiar thing caught her eye. She bent down and picked up a half-used cigarette, still warm. The Princess then remembered that Ciderella had been smoking while they were dancing, and wondered if the cigarette in her dainty little fingers belonged to him.
"I will keep this cigar," Princess Aerith swore to herself, "and then I will go and look for him."
The day after, the Princess prodded her father, the King, to issue a proclamation to the public, smoking, or non-smoking, about the lost cigarette. Many people queued up to see if the cigar would fit in their mouths, but all of them failed. There was a distinct taste to it that they couldn't handle, and the Princess was certain that her dancing partner that night was not among them. So she summoned some of her servants to help her look for Ciderella, using the mysterious cigarette for help in locating the man, and soon enough they arrived at Elmyra's house. Rude was the first one to step in to try on the cigarette, but as soon as the Princess saw him he was sent back almost immediately.
"Why didn't you let my son try, your Highness?" Elmyra was genuinely puzzled.
Princess Aerith raised an eyebrow. "Pu-lease. He had as much hair on his head as a chocobo egg has. My prince had lush blonde hair, and he carries oversized weapons all the time. So I knew it wasn't him."
Reno was supposed to go next, but the moment he put the cigar on his mouth he spewed it out almost immediately. "Eew! That taste is so, like, gross. The author of this story did make me a character of questionable traits and tastes, you know." He then left without another word.
The princess was at a loss. She had searched for her dream man throughout the kingdom, and there was still no sign of him. Could she have been mistaken? She wondered as she thanked Elmyra and went outside the house. Was her prince an alien from a planet of cigar-eating psychos? Was Ciderella just a hat-wearing, blood-sucking insect, which he is now, and not the macho, masculine, manly man she thought him to be? Would she end up with ex-SOLDIER Cloud instead? (Duh.)
"Ow." Princess Aerith suddenly fell to her feet. She had bumped into somebody without even noticing it. As she looked up, she gave another gasp. There, in front of her, was her blue-clothes-wearing,
big-ass-weapons-carrying man! And she was sure of it this time, for the man in front of her had a huge steel sword behind his back. He looked very weary, homeless too, just like a poor widdle kitty, and Princess Aerith's heart was threatening to hop out of her throat.
"… You okay?" the man asked her as he helped her stand up. "Sorry 'bout that. I'm kinda in a rush. The name's Cloud, and some scary-looking Shinra soldiers are after me."
Blue turtleneck and pants, check. Oversized sword, check. Blonde hair, double check. And a name starting in C and ending in D… well, I would have to be a retard not to figure that one out. Princess Aerith thought over mentally, unintentionally ignoring the overalls-wearing insect that was jumping up and down at her feet. It was Ciderella, obviously, still under his Fairy Godfather's spell.
"You whore! You're supposed to marry ME!"
But as Ciderella's voice was too tiny to hear, Princess Aerith paid him no mind and looked up at Cloud.
"Marry me?" she finally spoke at last.
And as no ex-SOLDIER in his right mind would refuse a marriage proposal from a princess (then again, Cloud's mental health had seen better times), he accepted. They got married in the Royal Castle, and Princess Aerith had Prince Cloud sealed up in a secret chamber so that no one else (little kids that rush stupidly into the ocean and can talk to dolphins, well-endowed waitresses in bars-you name it) could take him away.
Ciderella's cigarette was thrown away the moment Cloud said yes.
Rude and Reno applied for a job in an organization that was willing to accept replacements 30 years after one of its best members disappeared. There was an abundance of bishounen in that institution, so Reno tried his best to be one too.
Elmyra got tired of living the rich life and sold her mansion for a shack in the slums.
Ciderella recovered from the spell ten years after it was cast on him, and by this time he was so fed up with all he went through ever since he became a blood-sucking creature that something in him snapped and he was stuck swearing and cussing ever since. He moved to a faraway place named 'Rocket Town' not long after that.
And they all lived happily ever after.