A/N: This is just a weird little piece of work I wrote purely for fun. Anyone who takes this as a serious piece of fiction, well, sorry.
Chibi Goku Nightmare
By Languish-Dreams
We join the Sanzo party some months after their glorious return from the long journey West. Sanzo and Goku returned to the temple thoroughly enjoying, although Sanzo would never admit that out loud, their new love relationship. Hakkai and Gojyo returned to the redhead's abode also enjoying in their new love relationship. As we shift through the humdrums of everyday life, a single pair of men slowly comes into view. Shifting further we can see one is a few inches shorter than the other, though it's hard to tell when he's bouncing around like that…
"Sannnnzzoooooo! When are we gonna get to Hakkai and Gojyo's? I'm hungry damn it!"
THWWWWACCKKK
"Ow…" Goku mumbled, clutching the rising lump on his head.
"Idiot monkey. We'll get there when we get there. Now shut up and keep walking." Sanzo grumbled, replaced the ever-ready fan in his sleeve before continuing on.
Ah, love.
Now it's sometime during this exchange that a shadowy figure happened to glance their way, a slow and malicious smile curving up on its face. The form moved quickly, slipping deeper into the shadows before disappearing completely.
A few moments later…
"Why hello there you adorable little thing you!"
Sanzo froze in mid-stride. For the sake of whoever just spoke that better not have been directed at him. When he chanced to look, however, it was to find Goku being smothered in the embrace of a rather…large woman who was wearing an excessive amount of make-up. The lilac skirt she wore was tattered around the bottom and swayed violently as she continued her hugging assault on the poor innocent Goku. He was pressed tightly against the woman's v-cut white dress shirt; which did not, although the numerous large blue pearl necklaces thankfully did, hide her ample cleavage. The woman's hair was long and black, but unfortunately, frizzy and rather dirty looking.
In short, she looked like one of the Hunchback of Notre Dame's characters had let herself go. And how.
Regaining his lost composure, Sanzo quickly stepped forward to free his poor monkey before (further) brain damage could set in. It was at this time that the woman released Goku and began pulling and pinching his cheeks ranting about how she'd never seen anything so cute in all her life.
"You're just too utterly cute for words!" she gushed. "Here, have one of my home-made meat buns! They're to die for!"
The mention of food was more than enough to release Goku from the 'happy place' he'd been visiting while the aforementioned activities were taking place. He quickly snatched up the offered bun and devoured it in one bite. The large woman smiled and ruffled Goku's head, again exclaiming how mind-numbingly cute he was, before she finally left them alone.
Sanzo lit up a cigarette silently praying the horrifying scene he'd just witnessed would never happen again. He wondered if Hakkai had any scrubbing pads and bleach for the boy... Shrugging off the thought, Sanzo got Goku back on track with a few whacks to the head and they continued on. They hadn't gotten very far, however, before Goku began absently rubbing his stomach. The monk waved it off as Goku being hungry still. One meat bun, after all, was not going to be enough to keep the boy satisfied until they got to Hakkai's.
The two men had just come into sight of Gojyo's house when Goku suddenly doubled over in pain, grabbing Sanzo's arm in an attempt to keep himself from hitting the ground.
"Goku? What is it?" Sanzo asked, worry ebbing into his voice as he helped the earth-child to the ground.
"S-sanzo…" It was the only intelligible thing said before Goku pitched forward and into Sanzo's arms.
Hakkai placed another dish into the rack to dry while humming softly to himself. He wouldn't have be humming normally, except for the fact that it was the only thing keeping him from hearing Gojyo's mumbled bickering from the next room. True, the kappa wasn't one for housework, but Hakkai had to admit that the flowery apron he'd wrestled Gojyo into was rather cute looking. Gojyo was busying himself dusting the bookshelves in the living room. He was trading between curses at the apron Hakkai had forced on him and glaring at Hakuryu who seemed to give a snicker-like snort every time the man turned his back. Gojyo had just finished the last shelf when the door suddenly burst open and Sanzo walked in, carrying the still unconscious Goku in his arms.
"Hey monk, you're supposed to wait until after the wedding to carry the bride across the threshold."
Sanzo sneered and carried the unmoving figure to the couch.
"Is anything wrong?" Hakkai questioned from the kitchen doorway.
Sanzo set Goku down on the couch and glared at Gojyo before speaking.
"He collapsed just outside. Some crazy fat lady in town gave him a meat bun and I think it was every bit as 'home-made' as she said it was."
Understanding but not understanding the monk's statement, Hakkai hurried forward to examine his comatose friend. After a few minutes he sighed and looked at the two waiting men.
"There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with him. What exactly happened?"
Sanzo lit another cigarette from having to replay the scene again and quietly explained the earlier event.
"So some strange broad laced with fat rolls hands over food and you don't think that's suspicious?
Sanzo and Hakkai blinked for a moment and then both tried to keep down their laughter at Gojyo's question.
"Alright." Sanzo admitted after re-gaining his control. "I should have thought of that."
Gojyo snickered. "Really monk. All she needed was a flashing neon light over her head saying 'Danger Genjo Sanzo, Danger!'"
Sanzo ch'ed and lit another cigarette. Hakkai chuckled and stood up.
"How about some thing to drink? I don't know how long Goku will be out, but there doesn't seem to be anything physically wrong with him."
The two men nodded and headed to the kitchen with Hakkai. The three figured the monkey probably got a bad bun and just needed to sleep it off.
Of course they don't realize who's controlling their lives at the moment…
About an hour later they returned to the living room to find the couch empty. Sanzo quietly sighed in relief.
"See there monk?" Gojyo said, slapping Sanzo on the back. "Your plaything just needed to sleep it off."
Sanzo was about to pull out his gun when a loud screech suddenly echoed through the room and a large orange blur shot under their feet and behind the couch.
"What the fuck was that?" Sanzo demanded.
"Decaf!" Hakkai admonished and squatted down to look under the couch.
"Decaf?" Sanzo looked at Gojyo.
"Oh yeah. We got a cat." The half-breed informed.
"Decaf?" Sanzo repeated.
"That's his name." Gojyo said with a nod.
The monk raised an eyebrow and stared at the redhead for a few moments.
"What? He's really quiet and patient. So we named him Decaf."
Finally pulling the orange tabby out from under the couch, Hakkai piped in.
"You named him, Gojyo. I don't care how placid and demur a creature is, I would never have thought to name it something like that."
Gojyo grinned and scratched the back of his head. "That's what you get for lettin' me name 'em."
"Indeed." Sanzo huffed. "If he's so damn quiet and demur, what in the hell made him shoot in here like that?"
Hakkai blinked and looked down at the still fluffed-up feline in his arms.
"I have no idea. He's never done this before."
"Here kitty, kitty, kitty!"
Ah. The answer.
Three pairs of eyes widened to their fullest extent as a very small, very naked version of Goku suddenly bounced into the room. At least, they were relatively sure it was Goku. His hair was longer, more like when Sanzo had first found him, and he carried a child's usual baby fat about his body. He was much shorter, of course, coming to about the men's waist and his rounded face was almost nothing but two golden eyes. The boy looked around for a moment before spotting the hunted creature in Hakkai's arms.
"KITTY!" he screamed and launched himself towards the healer.
Said 'kitty' suddenly hissed and shot out of Hakkai's arms in a mad frenzy, scratching the stunned man in the process.
Goku pouted at having lost his prey and stamped his foot on the floor in frustration. Silence ensued for a few moments before Hakkai became the first to snap out of shock.
"G-g-goku?"
The boy looked up at Hakkai, pout fading into a smile. "Yes Smiley man?"
Silence again.
"Hakkai?"
"Yes Gojyo?"
"Does this look like 'nothing physically wrong with him' to you?"
Despite the odd situation, Hakkai chuckled. "I spoke to soon, maybe?"
Sanzo snorted suddenly. "MAYBE? What in the fuck happened to him?"
Gojyo bit back a laugh. "I think that's obvious monk."
Sanzo glared at the redhead with murderous intentions dancing in his eyes.
"The real question is," Hakkai interrupted. "How do we un-do this?"
The three men thought for a moment before Sanzo pulled his gun out and headed for the door.
"Sanzo?"
The monk stopped and turned to face Hakkai, an aura of pure evil intent set around him.
"Where are you going?" Hakkai questioned, un-phased by the sudden demonic atmosphere around his companion.
"Hunting." The monk said simply. "Make-up laden fat bitch season just opened."
Somewhere in the distance, an over-ripe Esmeralda impersonator sneezed.
As the door slammed shut, Gojyo and Hakkai suddenly realized they were alone. Alone baby-sitting a child. Goku as a child. Said child was also nowhere in sight.
"Oh, dear."
"Oh, shit."
Both men immediately began a thorough search of the house. A difficult feat since they'd added so many rooms onto the structure after returning from the journey. Eventually though, Hakkai found the still very naked boy playing with several bottles of shampoo in the empty bathtub and the healer sighed in relief. Somehow Goku had managed to empty two of the bottles into the tub and was now drawing little pictures in the shampoo with his finger. Gojyo entered a second later.
"'Kai did you find hi – hey you damn monkey! That shampoo cost twelve bucks a bottle!"
Goku looked up, still smiling and pointed at the blob of shampoo.
"Look smiley man! I drew a kitty!"
Hakkai, holding back a near hysterical Gojyo, attempted to remain calm as he peered into the tub at the picture.
"That's very nice Goku…Gojyo calm down…But you shouldn't really play….Please stop cussing Gojyo…You shouldn't really be playing with shampoo like this."
Goku blinked. "Okay!" The boy quickly jumped out of the tub, tore past the still enraged Gojyo, and ran down the hall towards the bedroom.
'Oh boy.' Hakkai thought as he rubbed the bridge of his nose. 'This is going to be a long night….'
After half-way calming Gojyo down, tracking down Goku (who was jumping on the once made bed), finding some clothes the boy could fit into (no easy task, mind you-the only thing available was a little tuxedo that Hakkai had bought for Decaf…and it just barely fit), calming down Gojyo some more (after Goku accidentally crushed the kappa's cigarettes), pulling Goku away from the still-enraged Decaf (who was back under the couch), and fixing the boy a snack to keep him busy for a few minutes, Hakkai was officially spent.
The healer sat on a chair in the kitchen, quietly sipping a cup of tea and watched the young monkey hungrily devouring a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. After topping the sandwich off with a glass of milk the boy looked up at Hakkai and grinned.
"Can I go play with the funny smelling lady now?"
Hakkai cocked his head to the side and thought for a moment. "You mean, Gojyo?"
Goku nodded. Hakkai could barely keep from laughing. Apparently, the boy had somehow seen Gojyo wearing the flowery apron from earlier.
"What so funny Smiley man?" the boy questioned.
Hakkai let a few chuckles escape. "Nothing Goku, nothing. And just call me Hakkai, okay?"
The boy nodded and grinned. "Can I go play now Hakkai?"
"Sure thing. Just don't get into any…" Goku was already long gone. "…trouble…"
Oh dear indeed.
Meanwhile. In town…
One extremely furious Genjo Sanzo was storming into every building he saw, demanding the 'fat hag' who gave 'his monkey' a poisoned meat bun step forward and into the bullet that now had her name written on it. Needless to say the people in town were a bit troubled. Scared shitless as a matter of fact. After all, it's not everyday an illustrious man such as a Sanzo breaks down your front door, points a gun at you, and demands all the obese Tammy Faye impersonators in your house to step forward or die.
Sanzo was having very little luck. Aside from being promised several first-born children if he'd spare their lives, he hadn't gotten anywhere. Never had the monk's anger risen to such levels. Even the Merciful Goddess, who was laughing her ass off from her seat in heaven, wasn't about to come down to Earth and face the man right now. Just as Sanzo was approaching the last group of houses in town, an elderly man stepped forward.
"Excuse me illustrious Sanzo, sir."
"What!" the monk snapped.
"Ah. Well. There's a…"
"Spit it out or take a bullet old man. I don't have time for nonsense." Sanzo said, leveling the gun at the man's forehead.
"There'sanapothecarywholivesjustoutsideoftownmaybeshecandosomethingtohelpyou." The man spit out.
"How far out of town and which direction?" Sanzo asked. After living with Goku for so long, catching that rambling had been easy.
The old man pointed to a path leading east. "About half a mile down that path illustrious Sanzo sir."
Sanzo nodded, replaced the gun in his sleeve, and proceeded to march towards the path.
The old man sweat dropped as he watched the monk leave.
God help whoever pissed that man off.
And back at Hakkai and Gojyo's…
After nearly having several coronaries today, Gojyo decided to relax on the couch for a few minutes. He had very promptly dozed off.
Too bad for him.
When Hakkai finally left the kitchen, feeling more like he could handle the now three-year old Goku, he had been unfortunate enough to discover the remains of the child's activities. A small pair of safety scissors was lying on the coffee table. Along with piles and piles of…
Hakkai gasped. "Oh, my dear Gods."
Gojyo blinked and opened his eyes. The look on Hakkai's face told him Goku had done something else already. He was puzzled, though, as to why Hakkai was staring at him like that.
"What?" he asked as he ran his fingers through his hair. "What did he do…now…"
Gojyo pulled his hand back; along with a few tufts of red hair. He looked at the coffee table, now covered with familiar looking red strands of his hair…
"I'M GOING TO MURDER THAT GOD DAMN MONKEY! WHERE THE HELL IS HE?"
Hakkai was now having a major meltdown. He was clutching his sides in a desperate attempt to keep from exploding in laughter. The unskilled boy had nearly scalped poor Gojyo; several large bald patches littered the half-breed's head, and what hair did remain now stood straight out. Gojyo officially looked like a balding mutant pink furby. The image was too much for Hakkai and he doubled over in fits; even as Gojyo glared at him for doing so, tears began to roll down his cheeks.
"You are so not helping."
A few minutes of deep breathing later, Hakkai finally managed to answer. "I-I'm sorry Gojyo. It's just…" he stopped there, afraid of laughing more. His sides were beginning to stitch.
"Let's just find the fucking runt before he destroys anything else."
FLUSH.
…
FLUSH.
…
FLUSH.
The two men looked at each other before racing towards the bathroom.
Goku was standing on a stool in front of the toilet watching the now rising water spill over the lid and onto the floor.
"What the hell did you do now you damn ape?" Gojyo hissed out as he entered the bathroom.
Goku's eyes broke away from the toilet and stared at Gojyo for a moment.
"I flushed the poop I found in the closet."
Both men's eyebrows shoot up. Poop in the closet?
"What poop in the closet, Goku?" Hakkai asked.
The boy sighed, as if the two men should have known it was there. "The poop in the box. Y'know, it was wrapped up."
It took a second before Gojyo groaned with realization.
"The joke box. With the fake vomit and whoopee cushion and…the …plastic poop. SHIT!"
Gojyo immediately grabbed the boy and handed him to Hakkai, then proceeded to try to plunge the plastic dog poop out of the toilet's recess. It turned out to be a futile struggle, though, and in the end Hakkai simply covered the bathroom floor with towels and said he'd call a plumber in the morning.
"You are not calling a plumber." Gojyo said after lighting a much needed cigarette.
"Gojyo, we have to have a bathroom. Would you prefer to go outside?"
"Do you really wanna call a plumber and tell him we need a large piece of plastic shit pumped out of the toilet?"
Hakkai thought on this for a minute then sighed. "I'm still calling."
"Fine. But I'm leaving before he comes. I'll need to go to the barbershop anyway." his eye twitched at remembering the earlier awakening.
Silence ensured for half a second before Gojyo suddenly looked around.
"Aww, damn. Where'd he go now?"
Both men scrambled out to search for the impish little Goku.
And back with the still seething Sanzo…
He had just arrived in front of a run-down cottage. Without a thought of hesitation Sanzo kicked in the door and stepped inside. His eyes instantly locked on his prey and his gun was out before either could blink.
"You are so dead."
The woman blinked and then a wide grin formed across her face. "If you kill me you'll never get the antidote."
"Killing you would almost be an antidote at this point." Sanzo snarled out. Yet nonetheless, his finger did not pull the trigger.
But it was sure as hell twitching.
"What's the matter? You can dish it out, but can't take it?"
Sanzo blinked. "What in the fuck are you rambling on about?"
"You!" the woman snarled out. "Are responsible for ruining my entire life!"
Sanzo blinked again. "Again, what in the fuck are you rambling on about?"
The woman became enraged. "You worthless mongrel! How dare you act like you did nothing wrong! You wooed my darling daughter from her fiancée, took every dime we both had, and then broke her heart by hiding behind your supposed damn title! If I had been there at the time, I would have snatched you as bald-headed as you should be you poor excuse for a monk impersonator! I looked into you Alfred, and no such Sanzo has ever existed!"
Again, Sanzo blinked then lowered his gun. "My name," he grounded out. "Is not Alfred."
The woman looked at him skeptically.
"My name is Genjo Sanzo."
The woman started a bit. "Wait a minute…The Genjo Sanzo?"
Sanzo sighed. "Yes." He said dully.
The woman looked him over for a minute then grabbed a bottle off the bookshelf and tossed it to the monk.
Sanzo caught it easily and stared at it for a second.
"What the fuck is this?"
"The antidote." She said simply.
Sanzo blinked and looked up at the woman.
She grinned at him for a minute before her body began to shrink and grow taller. Long sleek hair began to appear, a few large hoop earrings, and a familiar looking chakra…
The Merciful Goddess beamed at the shocked Sanzo for a moment, gave him a wink, then faded from existence; her laughter still echoing through the room long after she was gone.
"YOU GOD DAMN WORTHLESS OLD HAG! DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO THAN FUCK WITH ME!"
"My, my Konzen, how you do carry on. Now go on and return to your beloved pet. I believe he's causing quite a ruckus with your friends."
Sanzo immediately fired a few rounds towards the sky, urgently wishing they'd hit the Merciful bitch right in her haggy old ass.
Even more thoroughly pissed off now, Sanzo turned and stormed back to Hakkai and Gojyo's.
Back with our poor, poor friends Hakkai and Gojyo…
They found Goku idly drawing with a pen on a few sheets of paper. Nothing else looked destroyed or messed up, so the two men gave a sigh of relief.
Too bad it's not over yet.
After a few minutes of silence, Hakkai remembered something he'd made earlier.
"How about some pudding?"
Goku's eyes lit up and he was immediately at Hakkai's side bouncing with glee.
"Ohhhh, can we? Can we have some pudding?"
Hakkai chuckled at the eager child and nodded.
"Gojyo would you mind?"
The redhead grumbled a bit before reluctantly getting up to comply. Goku proceeded to dance around the living room in glee, singing about pudding and how yummy it was.
Gojyo rolled his eyes at the antics and reached for the fridge door. Despite all the trouble Goku's child form had caused, the kid was actually kind of cute. He opened the door and…
Gods I'm starting to hate myself for this…
…an extremely frightened and cold Decaf suddenly launched itself from the fridge and clamped all four paws (and claws) directly into Gojyo's chest. The cat howled with fright as it clawed its way up to Gojyo's shoulder, leaped off, and scrambled to a safer place.
Time froze for a second as realization of what had just occurred slowly sank into the two men's heads.
Goku watched with a bored expression before turning to Hakkai.
"I guess the kitty wasn't hot anymore."
Hakkai immediately stood up and headed to Gojyo's side.
"Are you hurt? Gojyo? Are you alright?"
The redhead stood there, frozen for a moment, before he turned his head and looked at Hakkai. He mumbled something quietly.
"What?" Hakkai asked.
A few seconds of silence ensued.
"I'm going to kill him." He repeated.
Before Hakkai could stop him, Gojyo was out of the kitchen and storming through the house in a blind rage. Despite literally ripping apart every room he went into, no sign of the child could be found. Knowing that Sanzo could be back at any time, and knowing that he'd rather live, mutilated hair or not, Gojyo began to get worried.
"You don't think the brat might have gotten outside, do you?"
Hakkai sighed. "I'm not sure I even want to think about that."
"Me either."
It was the tiniest of snickers that finally gave the boy away. Though it did take a few minutes before the two men finally realized where the noise had come from. Gojyo, being the tool of torture the authoress has made him, looked up and…
"BBBOOONNNNNZZAAAAAIIIIIII!"
Goku, who had somehow climbed up the wall in the hallway by putting his hands and feet on each side, had been waiting patiently for this particular moment to strike. With his battle cry echoing in the two men's ears, the boy let go and dove straight onto Gojyo's head, knocking the kappa to the floor with Goku on top of him.
"Pony ride! Pony ride! Pony rideeee!"
Hakkai stared for a few minutes, unable to register what he was witnessing, until the snarled curses from the floored redhead finally brought him to his senses.
Death, it seemed, wasn't going to be good enough.
Sanzo made it back to the house just as the sun was setting. His anger had ebbed a bit and he was more than ready to administer the antidote and get his lover back. Weariness was slowly replacing any anger that remained and Sanzo couldn't wait to get to bed. Dim shouts became louder as he approached the door and the monk could only imagine the trouble the boy had caused in his absence. Sanzo opened the door and his eyes widened at the sight before him.
The entire living room was a complete disaster area. The coffee table was turned over, nearly all the books had been knocked from the shelves, several pictures that were once hanging on the wall now sat on the floor, and one red-faced kappa was slowly strangling the life from the childlike Goku while Hakkai vainly attempted to stop him.
Sanzo sighed, pulled out his gun, and fired a single shot into the air. All three stopped and looked towards the door. One well placed glance from Sanzo and Gojyo slowly released the boy back to the floor.
"I don't want to know." He said as he entered the house and shut the door behind him.
A few hours later found the house (somewhat) back in order. Gojyo was now sporting a red bandana over his nearly bald head; along with a barrage of band-aid covering his chest and shoulder. Goku, now his normal size and dressed back in his normal clothes, slept peacefully on the couch with his head in Sanzo's lap. Hakkai poured another cup of sake and handed it to the monk.
"So our 'friend' the Merciful Goddess was behind it all?" he inquired.
Sanzo snorted. "Apparently the old hag has nothing better to do."
Gojyo lit a cigarette. "Well next time she does something like this, I'm going after the antidote. You can fucking baby-sit."
Sanzo snorted again. "Whatever baldie."
"What the hell did you say monk?"
"Baldie" Sanzo repeated.
"Now, now guys, come on."
"I outta shave your head you corrupt jackass!" Gojyo said as he stalked over to the couch. "Or better yet, I outta shave your monke…"
The kappa shut his mouth as he stared down the barrel of Sanzo's gun.
"Do you really wanna die?"
Gojyo slumped back in his chair wordlessly.
"I think it's time we all went to bed." Hakkai said.
The other three quickly agreed.
Some time late in the night Goku awoke. At some point the couch had been folded out into the bed that he and Sanzo now lay on. Hakuryu, who had somehow managed to escape the entire incident, was now curled on one of the couch cushions on the floor. Goku watched the sleeping monk for a few minutes before a sinister grin grew on his lips.
'Thanks Merciful Goddess.' He thought to himself. 'That idiot kappa will never know….'
Maybe you'd like to do it again later?
Goku grinned even more. It had been one of the funniest things he'd ever been allowed to do. And talking Kanzeon into helping him do it had been incredibly easy.
'Maybe after Gojyo's hair grows back I'll take you up on that offer, Kannon.'
Watching the lily pond from her seat in heaven, said Goddess could not contain her laughter.