Warning: Hey, man. This story contains strong drug use and strong stupidity towards everything that you care about and yada yada yada.

Must say this: Anything you see in this story that you say has been stolen which has not, is purely coincidence. I don't steal shit, bitches! If you eat my cookies you will have to buy some more cookies for me after the attacking of a leg humping FLUBBER. And then you have to find the FLUBBER.

An Extremely Messed Up Resident Evil 4

Meet Bitores Munchies and Lord Chong

Leon opened the gate and stepped through. This wasn't the village from that movie. Hooray, that movie blew.

Suddenly his codec rings, again. "How many of these bitches do I have!" He shouts in a whisper. "What!" He shouts into it.

Screen changes to see Leon and Hunnigan... Finally! That bitch finally made it. "Don't you be taking that tone with me boy!..." Hunnigan has a obnoxious hairdoo that looks as if a dog crapped on her head and highlighted the strands yellow. She was also painting her nails.

"Hunnigan, you made!" Leon says happily, "You're late."

"Wadda yo' mean I'm late cracker! I wasn't late, I was at that new Krispy Kreme store down the street and they had so many donuts... Mmmm. Mmmm. Mmmm. Taste them sprinkles." She starts drooling all over the screen while stuffing her face with donuts. How five hundred donuts just appeared on the screen; actual size displayed, I don't know. Why don't you :bleep: off?

Leon gets off the codec and continues down the pavement path. "Pavement? What the hell?" Yes pavement asshole. I was getting tired of seeing dirt.

He shrugs his shoulders and comes to the main area of the villager. He pulls out his binoculars and stands behind a tree and peers through them.

"My name is Alice..." Leon gets off the binoculars after seeing Alice's face through the scopes. But, she wasn't anywhere to be seen after he removed them. He puts them to his face again. "...and I remember everthing."

Leon gets off again and looks through them again, "There was an accident-" It cuts off and the Resident Evil 4 box is displayed and a man shouts in the most loudest, craziest voice you readers are never going to hear for the rest of your lives begins once again, "Since you smashed your goddamn codec, I'm back again. Look at the Re4 box. It's bitchin.' You got to buy it now! Buy, buy, buy! Buy 'em all! You've heard about it on that dinky radio, now look at it. AND THE PRICE. My hootin' dog shit, look at that price. 49.95 dollars. Gotta buy 'em all. Resident Evil."

"Screw this!" He shouts as he runs into the open of the village. None of the villagers notice him. He looks around seeing about fifty passed out villagers scattered all over the asphalt ground.

Well, this was more of a relief, he didn't have to shoot anyone. Something shiny catches his attention and he turns around and sees a vending machine in the house were you go in when getting attacked and then the chainsaw guy comes out.

He skips to the vending machine and pulls out a dollar and sticks it through. Everything is sold out except the Mello Yello. Don't ask yet, this part does have a meaning.

He grabs the Mello Yello when all the villagers wake up. "Kennedy got the vending machine working again. We use American dollars. Not European money."

All the villagers suddenly have a mood change and begin to advance on Leon, with their most crappiest of weapons. Plastic bags and toy ray guns. Leon jumps in the house and closes the door and looks out the little window next to the door.

He sees the chainsaw guy. But, with no bag on his head, "Wow, a Kodak memory." He gets his camera out and takes a picture. The chainsaw man has the bag which goes over his head, but he's inhaling the bag. "Must be hyperventilating."

No, he wasn't. Chainsaw guy takes the bag from his mouth and white powder is all over his face. Bag full of crack. He then puts it over his head and ties the string tightly around his neck. And then he grabs the chainsaw. And then he starts that shit up and begins running for the house.

"He's in the house!"

"The American is going to find the meth lab."

"My baby! Have you seen my baby!"

"CRRRRAAAAACCCCCK!" Screams the cracksaw man.

"What are they planning?" Leon asks himself. Remember, Leon doesn't understand what the villagers are saying, their dialogue is just translated. "Great a chainsaw."

Leon looks at the cabinet he's suppose to push to block the door, "Hmm, no. Too antinque." The author sighs as Leon grabs a pillow and puts it in the doors way, "That should hold them for now."

Ding Dong! Leon opens the door after hearing the doorbell and comes face to face with the Crazy cracksaw man, "Are you selling girl-scout cookies?"

"CRRRAAAAACCCCCK!"

Leon shuts the door again and barricades it with the pillow when the chainsaw comes jabbing through the door.

"What am I going to do?" Leon asks himself. Once again. Getting no answer. That's what he gets. No one who speaks english is there to answer him... Bastard.

This is where the Mello Yello comes in to teach everyone a valuable life changing question: "Mello Yello asks: How would you stay smooth?"

Ding!
Scenario 1:

The door crashes down and Leon is in a batsuit. The batman theme song plays and Leon whispers coldly, "I'm Batman. This spandex suit is giving me a rash."

"CRRRRAAAAACCCCCK!"

Gets his head slashed off.

Ding!

Scenario 2:

Door crashes down and Leon is in a batsuit sitting at the table, "Would you like some tea?"

Alfred the butler comes out but they both get their heads chopped off.

Ding!

Scenario 3:

Door crashes down and Leon is in a CatWoman suit, "I'm tired of fighting, let's be friends."

"OOOOOOOKAAAAY!" Cracksaw man shouts.

They both walk off into a fake sunset with happy music playing and birds landing on their shoulders. Los Gigante is then shown skipping down a dirt path holding a basket and throwing flowers while smiling and going, "Tra, la, la, la, laaaaaa..."

Back to Reality:

"I have to choose one." Leon says. The door crashes open as Leon opens the cabinet revealing the catwoman suit. The cracksaw man comes up and Leon ends up blowing the shit out of him.

"Screw Mello Yello, bitches!" Leon grabs a towel and shoves it in the drink and lights the towel. Mello-molotov cocktail! "I make fire! YAY!"

Suddenly, the computer on the table goes, "You've got mail."

"YAY! I've mail!" He shouts hopping to the computer.

"You've got mail."

"YAY! I've got mail!"

Three hours later.

"You've got mail."

"YAY! I got mail! YAY!"

Leon then realizes that five billion gonados are surronding him. He throws the mello-cocktail and runs out the door.

Time slows down to... something really slow. Leon is running from the house, in slow motion. You hear his breathing and his footsteps thundering as it contacts with the ground.

The cocktail hits the floor of the cabin and the whole cabin blows up, in slow motion. You see shockwaves and everything. And your mom's special occasion tong.

Leon jumps forward, already through the gates, revealing the farm, the explosion following slowly and engulfing the whole screen.

The Sesame Street Intro song begins playing as Leon skips through the whole farm, "Can you tell me how to get? How to get to Sesame-a Street?"

He ends up in a huge rivine and a huge cocaine boulder tumbles down behind him and rolls after him. The Indiana Jones song begins playing and it confusingly shows Leon swinging of a whip with a fake animated boulder coming after him.

"YAY! I always wanted to be a wizard!" Everyone stares at him strangely as the cocaine boulder smashes into a wall.

Leon is back on his feet and removes his cowboy hat and finds an abandoned house. Gonados beging throwing glow sticks at him. Leon laughs at it as they explode, taking large portions of the terrain away.

He catches one of the glow sticks and throws it back realizing it's a stick of dynamite.

For some odd reason the gonado that threw it lunges for it and catches it, let's find out why.

Dumbass gonada caught the dynamite and smiled and stuck it in his mouth, "BLUNT!"

KABOOM! He explodes like a balloon and happy bubbles begin raining down on the floor.

He walks into the house and finds a moving cabinet, "It's the Boogey Man. Gotta close my eyes and count to some sort of number." He closes his eyes, "1...1 and a half...1 and three quarters..." Three hours later. "...Two.." Three days later. "...Bingo..."

Anyways, he finishes counting and opens the closet and a guy falls out. Leon is suddenly startled by the man and removes the tape covering his mouth, "I know you! I know you!" Leon shouts in joy.

"I know, Luis Sera."

"No, you stupid bitch. You're Aragorn from those long ass Lord of the Ring movies."

"..Err..."

Suddenly, two gonados appear, one holding a slipper, the other holding a cup of tea. Heavy footsteps then sound through the room and a huge Chief walks in.

"Morpheus!" Leon shouts, "I'm Neo, the one."

Chief growls in confusion.

Leon begins laughing, "You have no hair on your head. You need-" He pulls out an object and holds it to Chief's face, "ROGAINE!"

Chief snatches it from him and takes a bite out of the can.

"Whoa." Leon says to wannabe Aragorn, "What's with him."

"That's Chief Bitores Munchines. Everything he sees he has to eat. He smokes to much pot and has the munchies all the time. When you hear him growl, he's just saying mmmmm..." Luis makes an example, "Like...mmmmm... foood."

"Thanks Aragorn."

"It's Luis!"

"You know what Aragorn. I don't care if you're king or not. You're going to die. And it's going to be so funny. And. And. And. And. I'm going to laugh."

Leon and Luis/Aragorn are suddenly beat unconcious by the cup of tea and the slipper.

Few minutes later...

"Wow, I like this jacket, man. I mean- feeble human." Lord Saddler says. But wait, he's Tommy Chong, putting Leon's jacket on over his robes and zips it closed. "Now, feeble human, man... Let us show you, man... My pocket watch...man.

He pulls ouf a pocket watch and shows it too Leon. "Let us now show you our... Wal-Mart half off coupons, man."

He shows Leon some coupons, he gets them so they can be used as treasure.

"And... now our true power. Los Trippy." A monk bastard comes out and injects Leon with the Los Trippy plague, the happy plague. "Now, you will trip out and be happy, man. I can't control you so it was just pointless to inject you with it, in the first place, man."

Lord Chong exits and gets on his magic carpet and flies away, "May the force be with you man..."

Leon wakes up suddenly, and begins tripping out.