Warning: Hey, man. This story contains strong drug use and strong stupidity towards everything that you care about and yada yada yada.
And none of us own Capcom and they're not going to sue us if they find are stories. So why put the 'I don't own Capcom' crap? It's because you're retarded!
Don't you dare copy my story(s). Or uh- uh- uh- uh... Yo momma! Anything you find that you think is copied is purely coincidental. I don't steal. Honest. And, and, and, and... Yo Momma!
An Extremely Messed Up Resident Evil 4
Magical Hot Dog Powers
Tripping out, nonstop, Leon tries freeing himself but, finds himself stuck to Aragorn. I mean Luis.
"Kingy, I'm tripping out. Get me out of here."
"For the last time it's Luis!" Luis/Aragorn exclaims, "I'm getting sick and tired of you, you American pig!"
A bloody gonado skips in with a gigantic axe in his hand, and since none of the characters understand spanish, except Luis, but no one gives a crap, here's what he has to say upon entering, "Good morning, I made you some tea, we're having an axe throwing contest slash red paintball tournament. You wanna-"
Before he could finish, Leon kicks happy axe man into a wall, snapping his neck in the process. "Take that, mean man."
"You idiot, he was being nice to you."
Hey! We don't care.
Leon sighs, and a heroic song comes on. The light dims and Leon is standing in blackness looking ahead, "You know. When you're in a thrid world country, and everyone speaks a different language. It's all right to kill them whether they like you or not. Being nice or mean. The works. Ain't that right Mr. Flower."
Okay, remember. Leon's tripping out at the moment, his background is changing nonstop. "Are you crazy!" Mr. Flower/ Luis shouts, "Why are you stereo-typing people like me!"
"Well, you can kill people in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Iraquistan."
"That's because America's at war with them!"
"AND WE'RE KICKING ASADDAM BIN HULADEN'S ASS!"
Luis is just silent. Silence. More silence. Cricket noise. Even though its Fall. Awkward silence. Okay. "You know? The gonados only killed two cops you were with. If you killed two of the village people, they would've not been coming to kill you now."
"Why the hell not!"
"They kill two on your side, you kill two on their side. Fair's fair."
Leon thinks about that for about a micro second, "Well, so far I've killed about 200 of them. What's the big deal, it's not like I molestered their kids. Ain't that right Bubbles." Bubbles is Michael Jackson's monkey.
Luis' eyes widen, "You're about to molester one right now..."
Leon is wearing a white glove and moon walking towards a little boy, "You wanna have a sleep over?" The little kid runs out screaming, "Oh, I see why!" Leon shouts, "It's because I'm black."
"What are you talking about now?" Luis shouts in confusion. "Why did you kill 200 instead of 2?"
"BECAUSE I'M FROM AMERICA!"
"You know what? That's not the point- Leon! Are you even listening?"
Leon is now outside with his shirt torn off, crying. It is now dark outside and raining with lightning crackling through the sky. He's also singing one of Eminem's songs, with the words slightly different.
"I'M SORRY MUH-MMA! I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOU-OOOO! I DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE- YOU- CRY- SO TONIGHT! I'M NEU-TER-ING- THE- DOG- GUH!"
"Holy shit!" Luis runs out as he was supposed to when the man with the axe had his neck snapped.
Everything is back to what it was supposed to be like in the game, Leon is wearing a shirt saying, I was killing zombies, now I'm killing third world people.
Just as he exits, the guns dealer appears at the window, "Get your ass over here and buy, stranger!"
Leon does what he's told. You know, the guns dealer would make a good drug dealer by the way he talks.
He catches up with the dealer and spots him in a dark corner, outside the house. A weird geru music plays, "What are you buying!" He opens his coat, "Let me flash you while you're buying stranger."
Leon decides to sell all his crappy treasure.
Instead of that, is that all stranger? saying, or, ahh... I'll buy it at a high price. It was more of, "I hope that's it stranger, I gave up Pokémon when I converted to drugs." Leon hit yes to sell his pokéball, and instead of, heh heh heh, thank you, stranger, it came out like, "You son of a bitch. I'm going to kill you!"
The gun/drug dealer was scratching his neck while he was munching down on a cup cake. The scratching indicates that he was using crack a while ago. Not T-Virus effects. Leon changes to the buy list and doesn't like what he sees. Well, sort of. All reminding him of the days back at the Police Academy.
Name/ Prices:
Cupcake/ 1000 ptas.
Bacon/ 2000 ptas.
Baby Bottle Pop/ 5000 ptas.
Axe: Deodorant Body Spray/ 10000 ptas.
Resident Evil 4/ .0000000001 ptas.
Rocket Launcher Shaped Pipe/ 40000 ptas.
Chocolate Cake/ 15000 ptas.
Resident Evil: Apocalyspe/ Free
Star Wars III Bootleg/ 2 ptas.
Crack in a Bottle/ 2000 ptas.
Second Aid Spray/ 1000 ptas.
Third Aid Spray/ 500 ptas.
Author's School Principal/ Free
President Bush/ Free
Ada Blow-up Doll/ 10000 ptas.
Rights To Capcom/ Free
Leon buys the chocolate cake, all the free stuff, the Star Wars bootleg, and Ada blow-up doll.
"Great!" shouts Leon as he goes through the gate to kill some gonados, "All I need now, is a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken, and three Xbox's to make friends!"
Too his dismay, he didn't have any of the things like he said. So he found a fishing pole and tied the bootleg Star Wars to it and lured it out over the cliff for all the gonados to see.
"Look, the bootleg copy."
"Star Wars."
"I wanna be a Jedi."
"CRAACCCK!"
"Use the force."
"YO, Adrian. I'm Rocky! I did it!"
All the gonados stare at the gonodo who began impersonating ROCKY. They pushed him off the cliff and began hurling themselves at the movie, missing by hundreds of feet. How can they see that far though?
Meanwhile, holding the fishing pole, Leon is lying on the ground, crying in his underwear. Widey Tideys. He's gained about 100 pounds and you can see his rolls and everything you will find disturbing if you saw this for real.
"I'm so ugly..." He cries. "I'm fat!..." He stuffs some cake in his mouth and lets out a muffled cry, "I pooped my pants." Stuff some more cake. Now he has cake outlining his mouth, and more choclaty chunks are on his chest, "I want my Teletubby!"
The last gonado jumps off the cliff and Leon walks through the next area after magically finding the two pieces to open the gate. Actually he didn't, all he had to do was smash his stomach into the insertion areas to unlock the gate.
Right in front of him was a warehouse and he walked into it and saw a gonado trying to light his fart on fire. "Geez, are people with no television anywhere that bored."
Leon decides to film it when he hears a huge one get cracked, the walls vibrating viciously. The gonado gets his torch and sticks it too his rear.
Super slow motion now! As the torch goes near his ass, Leon gets up and runs out of the ware house, when some declassified film footage of a nuclear blast kicks in. Capcom was lazy at the time, so their using this as the man's cut the cheese part.
The nuclear blast ends up wiping out a whole city in a matter of seconds.
Back to normal motion. Leon gets up and looks at the warehouse which is just a pile of debris, "What crappy effects!"
Chief Munchies cabin can be seen from here now and Leon skips over to it. Literally skips over. While humming one of the Alladin songs. "Arabian knight... An Arabian day..."
Scene skip... that song is pointless.
Leon is now at the puzzle to open the door to the chief's room. He can't seem to figure out the puzzle, "Can I call a friend?"
Puzzle is silent.
Three hours later...
"Are you gonna answer?"
Silence.
Nighttime...
"I'm so fat..." Stuffs some cake.
Puzzle is laughing.
Morning...
"There's no place like home, there's no place like home."
Afternoon...
"I wonder if the Jehovah's witnesses have anything to do with this."
Puzzle thoughts: Oh, shit! He's onto us.
Puzzle opens door and Leon walks in and finds Bitores Munchies eating a bucket of chicken.
Chief Munchies sees him and uses his magical hot dog powers and disappears.
"Where'd he go? He must've used his magical hot dog powers." Leon says, walking to the bucket of chicken, "My chicken senses are tingling... Oh wait, I just need to use the bathroom. Oh, wait, I just used the bathroom."
He walks out of the room and is confronted by Chief Munchies. Munchies takes a swing at him and Leon jumps out of the way and finds out that Munchies wasn't swinging at him.
Chief Munchies was swinging for the donut on the ground. Remember. He's Chief Munchies. "Mmmmmm!... Donut!" He stuffs it in his face. "Mmmmmm!... Chicken..."
Leon is just standing there when Munchies notices it's time for his one line saying throughout the whole game, besides the whole, mmmmm... and yum... sayings.
"You carry the same blood as us."
"You mean we're a big happy family? We have the same dad's?"
"No."
"We're brothers!"
"No."
"Then what are we!"
Chief Munchies can't say anymore. His one line saying was done for the whole game. He walks back into his room and is shot twice in the back by a gun.
Both of them look outside the window and see a woman. Just her chest. Were her boobies are. They don't see her face. Cuz her boobies are in the way. They like the boobies.
Chief Munchies makes a grab for it, crashing towards the window. Before he could jump out, he takes a bite of a chicken wing and then jumps out. He missed the woman by a long shot, seeing that she was long gone before he took a bite out of the chicken wing.
Leon looks out the window and sees Chief Munchies on the ground eating another bucket of chicken.
He then grabs out a packet of hotdogs and shouts, "Hot dog powers unite!"
Just then, the 60's Batman theme song begins playing and the Pilsbury Doughboy, and the Arby's Oven Mit shows up. Then all of them race off towards the Play D'oh factory to complain about why the d'oh smells, and taste so good, but it will kill you if you eat it.
Leon then couldn't see them anymore as they combined their magical hot dog powers together and drove away in an Oscar Myer Weiner truck.
"Can this chapter end, now?" Leon says, falling on Munchies bed and pulling out the chocolate cake, "I feel ugly."
"Not yet." I say.
"I'm so fat..." Stuffs some cake in his mouth.
The author sighs loudly, "Okay fine! Anything but, that!"