Warning: Hey, man. This story contains strong drug use and strong stupidity towards everything that you care about and yada yada yada.

And none of us own Capcom and they're not going to sue us if they find our stories. So why put the 'I don't own Capcom' crap? It's because you're retarded!

Okay, I got help from reviewers, mainly suggestions on what do add. Very funny... They were all good, so I'll use them all!

Right, now I'm using Gan, Wes 'n Tyran's suggestion with El Gigante. You guys just sit back because your suggestions happen later in the game. Don't get mad, that's just the way the game was made. I promise you, that you can bitch slap Capcom because of this. Have them on Jerry Springer with you!

An Extremely Messed Up Resident Evil 4

Rock Killed That Horny Bastard, El Horney

As we last left Leon, he coughed up some gummy bears and ate them, good snack for the preparing fall to the ground and pass out on the floor so he could dream of the things he likes. Things like candy, and a new coat. And Teletubbies as well. Ah, those damn tub bitches and their TVs in their stomachs. That would be cool if humans had televisions in their stomachs. Makes me wonder why we weren't created that way.

Leon wakes up, this is his dream. Wow, how remarkably real it is. I wish my dreams were like this.

He wakes up with a start and the biggest smile on his face. "I'm so fat," he says, and I just get annoyed.

He looks up and who does he see? Why? Your mother. No! Barry Burton, examining things like he's talented to do.

"Barry what are you doing here?"

"I'm examining things." He says, "I brang my thrusty, .357, action express, colt phyton..." He holds up the object he's describing, "magnifying glass!"

"That's nice, at least I don't look stupid for now."

Barry holds up a speck of dust and looks at it closely with his awesome, kick-ass, Wal-mart, magnifying glass. "Hmm..."

"What?"

"Hope this isn't Chris' dust."

Leon looks away, wanting to wake up now but then he looks out the window, "Hey, Look a pony! I love ponies."

Thus, this starts Leon's song, a rewritten version of the Pokémon introduction.

Leon is thrust into Ash's clothes and the setting is all dramatic.

"I want to be the very best, Like no one ever was. To catch them is my real test. To look at them with big goochy eyes is my cause! I will travel across the street, cuz Momma said I can't go across the land! Each pony-mon, to understand... The cost of all their foooooooooooo-duh!"

Leon starts singing in the highest voice you will never hear, glass is shattering, shockwaves are going every where, because of his bad singing.

"Pony-mon! It's you and me, I know it's pointless in financial ways. Pony-mon! You cost to much, so I sold you to make some gluuuuuuueeeeeee! Pony-mon! Gotta catch them all! You teach me but I don't speak Pony-mon language! Poooooeeeeee-nnneeee mon! Gotta catch them all, Pony-mon!" The song ends.

Pikachu then jumps in Leons arms and they both extend their hands out forming Peace signs and both wink, in anime style. Leon looks at Pikachu and screams like a little girl and bitch-slapped the bitch out of his hands. It's incredible, that yellow mole popped like a balloon against the wall.

Barry picks the Pikachu up, "Hmm, hope this isn't Chris' Pikachu!"

Leon is looking around frantically for some reason, "Where's my pony?"

"Hope this isn't Chris' pony."

"What?"

"Hope this isn't Chris' table."

Leon throws a rock at Barry's head, "Barry, that's not a table, that a pile of bat crap."

Barry picks it up and eats one of the bat pellets, "Hmm, hope this isn't Chris' bat crap... Hmm, hope this isn't Chris' Barry's hand. Hmm, hope this isn't Chris' shoes."

"No, Barry they're mine, I bought them at Wal-Mart."

"Hope this isn't Chris' Wal-Mart."

Leon starts banging his head on the floor, "I'm- so- glad- that- you're- not- in- the- game!"

"Hope this isn't Chris' game..."

Leon screams in pure agony and suddenly he wakes up, in cold sweat. Wait! That's not sweat, he wet the floor. No, wait it was just raining.

Jeez, the dream in the game was suppose to have a meaning, his dream now was just completely pointless and a waste of about 550 words. Leon walks out of the cabin and into the rain.

"This reminds me a lot of the Matrix Revolutions."

Just then, Agent Smith and all his clones, make entry. "Mr. Kennedy. Welcome back, we...missed you."

Leon is now in Neo clothes and wearing sunglasses, "It ends tonight."

Dramatic choir music begins playing and both of them bolt for each other, Smith running as fast as he could, and Leon, my how stupid, is merely skipping and humming like a school-girl.

Leon suddenly makes a turn and goes through a gate. Suddenly, a hippie is making his way towards him. He seems to be having a Grand Mall seisure and his head then explodes, revealing a disgusting monster.

"Awww!" Leon says in delight, with big goochy eyes as he eyes the hideous creature, "How cute!"

He skips up to the creature and begins petting it, not seeing the huge ass blade coming out of it. Leon begins talking in a baby voice, "Yooso cute! Yesooo are! A Yessooo Are!"

The blade swings at him, missing him by a few inches, "Give daddy a kissy wissy! You want a kissy wissy from Leon Weon! Ah, yessooo doo. A coochie coochie coo!"

Okay, you have a headless man with a monster sticking out of his neck that's liable to cut you to pieces. Now, you have Leon petting it and giving it kisses... WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH THIS?

Leon then offers it a cracker, "Polly want a cracker?"

"Bwak, Polly want a cracker! Polly want a cracker!" Oh, my shit! It spoke. Leon feeds it the cracker and the creature disappears, merely exploding in his face.

Leon begins crying, with guts all over his face, "Mommy! The monster buckakied all over my face like dad did when he was molestering me!"

Whoa, I should've not added that part:shoots self in the head:

Since, I have no ideas for the hippies coming up, Leon uses his Big Red slide and ends up where he finds the cults insignia. It's not the insignia. It happens to be a Krispy Kreme donut wedged in were the insignia should be.

He calls Hunnigan, "Hunnigan, I found the poor peoples munchy vault."

"Leon, I been sent to the pyschiatric hospital fo' gaining 500 pounds in the last six hours. I don't have a mental disorder! Bitches! I have an eating disorder! I'm like Fat Albert without the penis!"

"Okay, Hunnigan! I'll get back to you when I learn to wipe my ass." He looks at you; the reader. Yes you, "And that, I'll never learn."

Leon finds a boat and rides all the way back to the drug/gun dealers orgy cabin. He walks outside after buying a blue slide and a shirt that says I didn't get laid in this game.

He is now where El Gigante is supposed to be fought. The gates close and two big double doors open and out come ten hippies holding blunts, I mean ropes.

They begin pulling when El Gigante moon walks out of the little room he was in. He looks at everyone with eyes as if he is going to hump their legs off. He is drooling as well and he is buff in the pants.

The villagers get scared which lead to their death.

"Ello Mucho mucho horny."

"Le Quero Taco Bell!"

"Wait! Gigante is wearing a tong under his pants."

Gigante looks at them, "No, I'm not!"

"Ya, you are!"

Gigante gets mad and humps the shit out of them. I'm not getting into detail or I'll have to paste this on an adult website and tell people to pay 32 dollars a month to read this. Damn, I'm such a genius. You know why? Because I'm a sexy bitch!

Leon happens to get scared as he backflips out of the way of Gigante swinging his huge ass at him. This brings him back to a flashback when he first met his Air Force ROTC teacher; Officer Eckold.

Flashback:

Leon sits at his desk with thirty students in his class and Eckold walks in with toilet paper hanging out of his pants.

"Oooo!" Eckold says, "Ahh, boys..." He smacks his lips in hunger.

Everyone grimaces and pushes their desk back three feet from were he stood, "Kids! My name is horny! I mean I am horny! Uh- I am horny for you! Damn it! My name is Mr. Horny!" He pauses and slaps himself on the forehead.

Leon gets out of his seat, "Um, I think your name is Officer Eckold."

"That's right! Boys make Officer very horny!" He sits behind his desk and grabs it and begins neighing like a horse, "Horny, horny, horny!"

Three boys run out of the room screaming for their lives as Eckold "finishes." He gets up from his desk and walks to the front of the class, "Now today class! We're going to learn about orgies that make me horny- I mean I am horny for you! Uh, Sleeping with little boys makes Eckold very horny!" He neighs like a horse as he humps his way out of a window and makes his way to a tree and let's end the flashback...NOW!

Flashback End:

Leon's mouth is hanging open as gigante is actually Eckold with the plagas in him, "Eep!"

The way gigante moves is really disturbing. He thrust his private region forward which causes him to move in the direction he is directing himself to go. Anything caught in the way will be humped to a pulp.

I mean if you've seen Jackass the movie or any other Jackass episode, featuring the man who runs around in a tong and tells everyone he likes to party and dances so close to people that his nads rub up against them, that's how gigante moves.

Just add a techo beat.

Leon jumps out of the way as Gigante, thrust his way at him, knocking the three crapily built huts into the ground.

"I have to find the source that causes the techno music!" Leon screams dodging again as Gigante rams his fat fucking horny ass into a tree, causing splinters to go everywhere.

"Sheeeet!" Leon shouts as he looks up and sees a knob, "That bitch is knocking everything down so it resembles a dominoes effect." He pulls his gun out and shoots the knob and the techno beat stops.

Gigante stops thrusting his body forward and begins screaming after the music stops. He crouches over and a huge plant like plaga comes out of his back.

Leon looks at it in disbelief, "I'm not touching that shit."

So, he simply climbs his way to the knob he shot and pulls at it which resemble a boom box. He grabs the volume knob, as which he shot and puts the volume back up.

The techno beat resumes and Gigante continues his usually thrust humper move. Leon grabs the tuner and changes the techno beat song to a opera song.

Gigante stops moving and begins singing opera and moving slowly. Leon changes it again to ballet music and you won't believe what happens. Gigante gets into a pink ballerina suit and begins prouncing around as if he is no lighter then a flower.

Which he's not. He's a two ton horny pack of gigante, capable of humping New York City to a ghastly rubble if he wanted.

Leon changes the dial to rap music and Gigante gets into gangsta clothes and is then seen in a car with the front end bouncing high in the air by hydrolics. Gigante is inside the car with sunglasses on and looks at you, the reader and says, "Shizzle my nizzle."

Leon changes the dial to heavy metal rock music and Gigante is thrust into a crowd of people that just magically appeared and is crowd-surfed off the cliff and into his horney grave.

But he doesn't fall yet, he is hanging off the cliff by his arm and his looking at Leon with big goochy horny eyes. "Leon?" Horny man says.

"Die you bastard! You killed my father!" Leon shouts, who is now dressed as a Jedi and his holding a light saber.

Gigante is shown again wearing a Darth Vader helmet, "No, I didn't kill you're father Lukeon Skyneddy... I- Am- Your- Father!"

Lukeon Skyneddy looks up at the sky and goes in slow motion where the voices are really deep in tone, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Gigante lets go and Leon makes a jump for his horny hand but fails as Gigante falls into the water, "I LOVE YOU SON!..."

Remember, this is in slow motion, Leon is crying, "You never got to watch my baseball games."

"But I did molestor you, remember son! Use the force and create a chain of Jedi. And avenge Yoda. Avenge that midget! That rip off Kermit the frog." He splashes into the water and somehow blows up. Funny, there were no explosives planted. Hmm, maybe that was just for amusement and effects.

Okay, this is getting confusing. Leon moves out after the dog makes a late entry to save him. So, Leon bitch slaps that bitch off the cliff. "Kibbles and Beets Lean that mother fucker!"

Leon puts his lightsaber up and walks out of the fortefied area and makes his way back to the church to wedge the Krispy Kreme donut into the door to save Ashley.

Note: Thank you Ganadorf, Wesker 'n Tyranids. And Warrent Officer Eckold. This is how I pictured the scene when I read what you said that he was a horny bastard, it was like...:light bulb goes off in head:

Thanx for the suggestion. Next chapter: Does Mr. Kennedy Have to Smack a Bitch?