Warning: Again, strong uses of drugs here and there. Don't do drugs, very bad, you die if you do it. Along with the stupidity, do not attempt anything written here in which you will think will be awesome if you attempt to do.
Also, I'm using the plagas infected squirrels mentioned by someone, it's been a while so i forgot. Enjoy yourself now!
An Extremely Messed Up Resident Evil 4
Magical Truck Driver That Was Abducted By Aliens
Leon is standing in the main area of the most colorful church in the whole widest damn world. "Woooooooooooooow!" He awes in stupidity. "I like beans!"
The effect of the plague must be dwelling deeper into his body. But who cares, no matter how long you take to play and finish the game, there will be a happy ending.
He finds the magical ladder and climbs it and finds his way in front of a lamp, or chandelier. Or big light, very big. He jumps on it and begins swinging, back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth. He jumped and and fell back to the floor. The Mario song which plays when Mario falls off a cliff on the Nintendo system then plays.
Leon attempts it again. Five thousand times later. Mario song plays. So he decides to use the stairs. Five thousand times later. He falls down the stairs. So he takes the elevator. He gets up there. Finally!
He opens the door to Ashley's room because I do not want to see him attempt that puzzle.
Ashley is running around inside, rehearsing her lines for the future. "Leon!" The second line. "Help!" Third. "Help me, Leon!"
Leon runs in, pissed already at the lines and screams, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
"Who the hell are you?"
"My name is Forest Gump. People call me Forest Gump. If you replace the G with an H, it's Forest Hump." Leon begins laughing at the gay joke he just made.
"Come on! Let's get out."
Leon is now wearing worn out tennis shoes, in a white suit, has a buzz cut, and is holding a box of chocolate. Hint, hint, impersonating Forest Gump. He looks at her, "Would you like some chocolate? I eat about half a box of chocolate every day."
"What?"
Leon farts and smiles like an ass, "Life is like a box of chocolate."
She slaps Leon out of his tripiness and they both get to the bottom floor were Lord Chong awaits.
"I'll take the weed." Chong says.
"Huh?"
"I mean, I'll take the girl."
Leon looks at Lord Chong with stupidity, his eyes crosseyed and out of focus. He scratches his ass, hitched up his pants. And scratched his ass again. This is when Ashley breaks in. "Leon, I think they shot something into my neck."
Flashback:
Lord Chong offers her some Skittles and she eats it. How pointless.
End Flashback:
"What did you do my dog?" Leon says, apparently dog, meaning her.
"You know how I did it?" Chong says smoking a bowl and popping all sorts of fun colored pills.
"Ooh! Ooh!" Leon shouts, now in a school desk raising his hand. "I know, Mr. Hippie."
Leon begins, "Los Trippy came from the apple pie I ate, which was abducted by aliens, and given to the truck driver of doom who gave dirty diapers to old people, who ate the magical cornbread, that-"
Three hours later...
"And you know what happened to little Johnny? And then Luke Skywalker-"
Five hours later...
"And then I farted that jelly bean out of my butt and gave it to Frodo which gave him magical powers to destroy the ring of evil. That led to communism. And then Jesus was born. And then America won World War 5 billion against the Morloks which lived under ground, who stole the nice man's time machine because they liked shiny things. That is how you shot something into Ashley's neck. And it is also why I am Jewish."
There is nothing but utter silence. Tommy Chong looks at him, "How the hell did you know, man?"
"Because I was raped by a rhino."
Then, Darth Sidious look alikes burst into the chruch and start throwing rocks at Ashley and Leon.
Instead of Leon grabbing Ashley and jumping out of the window, he grabs her and goes to the Sidious look alikes and goes, "Excuse me, pardon me."
They move out of the way and he exits through the front door of the church.
Outside, waits a group of hippies. Instead of holding torches, they are holding candles and singing Christmas songs.
So, Leon and Ashley kill them all because it isn't Christmas yet. They head to the ladder which leads down to the tunnel and are stopped by a hideous creature. Squirrles.
They are like the dogs with wangs coming out of their mouth, but they are squirrels.
"Ooh..." Leon says with goochy eyes, "They so kooot!"
That's when thing get ugly. The squirrels attack him, jumping in his hair. He begans screaming like a little girl, and flapping his arms around. Even though he has a gun, or a gun look a like, he wasn't going to shoot them.
"Mommy! Tell them to stop!"
Ashley then bats them off his head, but he is still screaming and then looks around and sighs. "Phew... Almost lost my cool there."
So, since I am a little lazy, they use their huge slides and slide over to the cabin area where Luis is.
Leon puts the slide in his pocket as they get near the cabin. Suddenly, millions of hippies appear, screaming stupid things.
"Would you like to buy some cookies?"
"Shoes, half off."
Ashley turns to Leon, "What are we going to do?"
Leon begins going "uhhh..." as he looks at the cabin, then back at the invading hippies. Then the cabin. Then the hippies. Cabin. Hippies. Cabin. Hippies. "I just figured something out." He then says.
"What? What do we do?"
"I forgot to feed my fish when I left for Europe."
"No, what's the plan to stay alive?"
Leon does the same thing again. Hippies, cabin, hippies, cabin, hippies, cabin. "I don't know."
"Why don't we hide in the cabin?" Ashley then says.
"You're absolutely right! Righteous! Righteous!"
He then turns to his serious looks. Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation! He is now all buff, wearing a lether jacket, sunglasses and for some reason has a Harley Davidon. He looks at Ashly and flexes, which rips his shirt revealing his chest.
He begins talking like Arnold as well, "GET IN THE CABIN! GET IN THE CABIN!" He flexes his arms and then poses, "LOOK AT MY BICEPS!"
They both run into the cabin, Leon's Ahnuld frame is too big and crashes through the wall. Inside Aragorn awaits. Ahem I mean Luis. "Leon! There coming."
Leon, still doing the impersonation and still looking buff, brings his buff fucking ass to Luis and grabs him, "I MAD! YOU DIE NOW!" He breaks Luis in half and throws him out the cabin.
"Why'd you do that!" Ashley screams, "He dies later in the story not now."
"SHUT FACE! STUPID GIRL! HE'S NOT LUIS, HE WAS THE T-1000, THE MOST POWERFUL TERMINATOR EVER CREATED TRAVELED BACK INTO TIME TO KILL JOHN CONNER; LEADER OF HUMAN REBELLION IN FUTURE!"
"What the hell are you talking about!" She shouts, "This isn't Terminator 2!"
"DUMB BLOND HIDE IN CLOSET. OR I'LL RIP OFF YOUR FACE AND USE IT AS A NAPKIN! JOHN CONNER TOLD ME TO 'RELAX' AND ACT LIKE HIM. SO I HAVE THE COOLEST IMPERSONATION OF ALL TIME...COWABUNGA...AND...GGGG- NARLY...DUDE!"
Leon crashes out of the building now heaving a gatling gun and blows the group down. He then looks at the corpses on the ground and says, "I'LL BE BACK!"