ALiCE in WoNDeRLaND
-38-
It suddenly occurred to me that Nam was freaking out, more so than the rest of us.
"Dude, you okay?" I asked.
Everyone turned to look at him. He grimaced. "I'm good. Just..." He looked down into the hole below us. "Scared."
I looked at the others. "Aren't we all?"
They nodded in agreement.
"It is scary. That's okay. Because what's happening out here is even scarier to me. And maybe, maybe something's going to happen. I know something's going to happen. Maybe it'll be good, and we'll win, and it'll be over. Or maybe we lose, and life goes on, until somebody else comes to give it a shot. Or maybe... even..." I swallowed. "Maybe there is no win or lose. We go in, we do our thing, and what happens happens."
"Destiny?" Nam asked. "We go in and have faith that whatever happens, it was meant to be, so we shouldn't care, really?"
"That's not what I meant."
"Then what are you saying, ALiCE? Do we have control or not?"
"Nam, I thought you didn't want to get into this kind of deep, philosophical discussion right now."
"Well, judging from your reaction to all this, I think it's basically now or never, don't you?"
The others stared.
"Look," I began, hoping to counter any growing feelings of self-doubt that they might be having. "I don't know. Okay? And neither do you," I added, to Nam. "There's nothing we can really do at this point but go on doing what we feel is right."
"And if we disagree?"
I stared at Zale. "You disagree with me?"
Zione shrugged. "Maybe."
"Guys..." I pleaded. "What the Hell?"
Aurick nodded. "I don't know..."
"Oh..." I looked down into the hole once more. "Look. I'm going in there, with or without you." Catching my breath, I tried to remain calm. I didn't think it was working too well. "I came so far."
"We're not saying we're giving up," Aurick began.
"Then what are you guys saying? Let's sit back a while, wait for things to get worse? Are you lacking in motivation or something?"
"We..." Zale looked to the others for support. "We want to wait and see what you remember."
I sneered. "What?"
"If you go in there, and something happens, and we have to go through this all over again..." Zale began.
"What? My amnesia? How often does this happen?"
"Just this one time... and we thought..." Aurick looked helplessly at the others. "We thought you were better, but then it came back and... Here we are."
"Asking you not to go," Zione added.
"Not yet," Zale added to that.
I sat beside the hole. "When?"
Nam sat across from me and leaned toward me. "After you tell us everything."
"Everything?"
"Everything you remember."
"You first," I ordered. "You guys have keeping things from me this whole time, saying you didn't want to take the time necessary to fill me in on my own identity here. I think that's a little unfair."
"We don't know," Nam repeated. "No one knows."
"Why not?" I whispered.
The others sat with us, forming a nice little circle of friends.
"Story time," Aurick sang out with some seriously feigned cheer.
Zale and Zione looked at one another, trying to decide who should tell.
"Nam?" I offered.
Nam, who had been in the process of itching an eyebrow, stopped in mid- motion and looked at me. "What?"
"Want to talk about this?" I asked.
Zale and Zione looked his way. Nam nodded. "Sure. I'll give it a shot."
I had a feeling the others were as eager to hear what he had to say as I was. I wondered if they had ever talked to each other about all this, compared stories, or if they had just gone on existing without a second thought as to what the whole story entailed. Creepy thought.
"We found you... in WoNDeRLaND," he began. "You were the only normal one left. Everyone else was brainwashed, or something. And... you were kind of... out of it. You didn't know who you were, or why you were there, what had happened. It was really kind of scary. We thought you were a goner." He tried to smile, but failed miserably. "But the further we got away from that place, the better you seemed to be. You started talking to us, about rabbits and mice and cats and bats and..." He laughed softly. "You said your name was ALiCE, and you spelled it for us, just that way you always do. And then... We came here."
"And you started forgetting things again," Zione continued.
"And we realized you hadn't told us enough the first time around... for us to really fill you in on anything," Zale admitted. "So we just pretended we were going to tell you later, and prayed that you'd remember on your own."
"So..." Aurick concluded. "Do you?"
* * *
-38-
It suddenly occurred to me that Nam was freaking out, more so than the rest of us.
"Dude, you okay?" I asked.
Everyone turned to look at him. He grimaced. "I'm good. Just..." He looked down into the hole below us. "Scared."
I looked at the others. "Aren't we all?"
They nodded in agreement.
"It is scary. That's okay. Because what's happening out here is even scarier to me. And maybe, maybe something's going to happen. I know something's going to happen. Maybe it'll be good, and we'll win, and it'll be over. Or maybe we lose, and life goes on, until somebody else comes to give it a shot. Or maybe... even..." I swallowed. "Maybe there is no win or lose. We go in, we do our thing, and what happens happens."
"Destiny?" Nam asked. "We go in and have faith that whatever happens, it was meant to be, so we shouldn't care, really?"
"That's not what I meant."
"Then what are you saying, ALiCE? Do we have control or not?"
"Nam, I thought you didn't want to get into this kind of deep, philosophical discussion right now."
"Well, judging from your reaction to all this, I think it's basically now or never, don't you?"
The others stared.
"Look," I began, hoping to counter any growing feelings of self-doubt that they might be having. "I don't know. Okay? And neither do you," I added, to Nam. "There's nothing we can really do at this point but go on doing what we feel is right."
"And if we disagree?"
I stared at Zale. "You disagree with me?"
Zione shrugged. "Maybe."
"Guys..." I pleaded. "What the Hell?"
Aurick nodded. "I don't know..."
"Oh..." I looked down into the hole once more. "Look. I'm going in there, with or without you." Catching my breath, I tried to remain calm. I didn't think it was working too well. "I came so far."
"We're not saying we're giving up," Aurick began.
"Then what are you guys saying? Let's sit back a while, wait for things to get worse? Are you lacking in motivation or something?"
"We..." Zale looked to the others for support. "We want to wait and see what you remember."
I sneered. "What?"
"If you go in there, and something happens, and we have to go through this all over again..." Zale began.
"What? My amnesia? How often does this happen?"
"Just this one time... and we thought..." Aurick looked helplessly at the others. "We thought you were better, but then it came back and... Here we are."
"Asking you not to go," Zione added.
"Not yet," Zale added to that.
I sat beside the hole. "When?"
Nam sat across from me and leaned toward me. "After you tell us everything."
"Everything?"
"Everything you remember."
"You first," I ordered. "You guys have keeping things from me this whole time, saying you didn't want to take the time necessary to fill me in on my own identity here. I think that's a little unfair."
"We don't know," Nam repeated. "No one knows."
"Why not?" I whispered.
The others sat with us, forming a nice little circle of friends.
"Story time," Aurick sang out with some seriously feigned cheer.
Zale and Zione looked at one another, trying to decide who should tell.
"Nam?" I offered.
Nam, who had been in the process of itching an eyebrow, stopped in mid- motion and looked at me. "What?"
"Want to talk about this?" I asked.
Zale and Zione looked his way. Nam nodded. "Sure. I'll give it a shot."
I had a feeling the others were as eager to hear what he had to say as I was. I wondered if they had ever talked to each other about all this, compared stories, or if they had just gone on existing without a second thought as to what the whole story entailed. Creepy thought.
"We found you... in WoNDeRLaND," he began. "You were the only normal one left. Everyone else was brainwashed, or something. And... you were kind of... out of it. You didn't know who you were, or why you were there, what had happened. It was really kind of scary. We thought you were a goner." He tried to smile, but failed miserably. "But the further we got away from that place, the better you seemed to be. You started talking to us, about rabbits and mice and cats and bats and..." He laughed softly. "You said your name was ALiCE, and you spelled it for us, just that way you always do. And then... We came here."
"And you started forgetting things again," Zione continued.
"And we realized you hadn't told us enough the first time around... for us to really fill you in on anything," Zale admitted. "So we just pretended we were going to tell you later, and prayed that you'd remember on your own."
"So..." Aurick concluded. "Do you?"
* * *