Disclaimer: I own a bag of Clodhoppers, seven pairs of shoes, a fuzzy purple pillow, and a china crockery set. Last time I checked, the Harry Potter universe was none of these things.
Note: The events of the HP books, with a few small alterations which I'll try to make clear at the time, have pretty much happened as in canon – with the obvious change of 'evil greasy git Professor Snape' being 'evil greasy git Professor Granger' and female. On that note, however, Harry's Legillimency and Occlumency training from OotP did not occur, and Hermione did not date Victor Krum (for rather obvious reasons).
Sorry for the wait; it seems my muse is still on strike, which is terribly unfair as the plot bunny refuses to likewise depart. The bit with Ron and Crooks seemed to write itself, though, and I have no idea where the Chocolate Frog part came from. On the plus side, this chapter's longer than the last one :)
"Seen the new Chocolate Frog cards?" Ron asked cheerfully as the three walked out of the train station and towards the line of carriages outside. Dodging around yet another clump of second years gaping in astonishment at the apparently empty harnesses - "Where are the horses?" "Neat!" "It is a school for magic, Iris" - Severus shrugged. His aunt had bought some during the summer, but Ash, Rowan's younger brother, had opened the sweets and claimed all the cards almost before his mother had taken them out of her bag. He'd left the chocolate, though, which had made the house's teenage occupants happy.
"Ron." Harry looked around, climbing into the empty carriage at the end of the row once he'd located Hedwig in the skies above them. Moving to sit by the far window, he fixed the redhead in the doorway with a stern emerald-green gaze. "I spent the summer with the Dursleys." The others nodded; they knew all about Harry's Muggle relatives and their hatred of all things magical.
"Sorry, mate. Stupid question eh?" Ron apologised, throwing himself onto the seat opposite Harry as Severus and his demented half-Kneazle cat took up the remaining space in the carriage.
"Bloody hell! Who let that thing out!" the redhead exclaimed, casting Crookshanks a wary glance and moving as close to the door - and thus as far away from his friend's familiar - as possible. Harry snickered, Sev rolled his eyes, and the Ginger Menace sprawled leisurely across the seat, sharp claws making a half-hearted swipe in his seatmate's direction. Ron looked horrified and opened the far door of the carriage, hopping out onto the road.
Ron's goodwill towards Crooks - established after the cat's assistance to Harry's late godfather, Azkaban escapee Sirius Black, when he was hiding from the law in Hogsmeade's 'Shrieking Shack' - had abruptly evaporated in the middle of their sixth year following an... incident... with Ron's owl, Pigwidgeon. It wasn't Crookshanks' fault that Pig looked exactly like a squeaky toy bird Sev's mother had sent the feline for Christmas, or so Sev insisted. But, for some reason, Ron hadn't agreed with his dark-haired friend's opinion. Crooks was, once again, Evil with a six-foot-high capital 'E', and should be kept away from Weasleys and seemingly-edible owls at all costs.
"Put that thing back in it's cage, Sev!" Ron demanded, grabbing Pig's cage from the carriage and holding it protectively, all the while glaring at the smug-looking cat.
"Ron, get back in the carriage," Harry ordered with a long-suffering sigh.
"No."
"Yes!"
"Not until that damned thing's safely away. You saw how he was eyeing Pig!"
"Ron, just get-"
"Look, Ron," Sev interrupted with a friendly smile. "I'm really sorry Crooks tried to eat Pig last year. But that was nearly six months ago… I'm sure he's forgotten Pig's edible by now."
Oddly enough, Sev's attempt as reassurance didn't work very well.
They were at an impasse: Ron scowled at Crookshanks, Crooks glared at Pig, Harry put his head in his hands and muttered about Fate having a cruel sense of humour, and no one was inclined to make the first move.
"Oh, for Merlin's sake! C'mere Crooks, you can sit on my knee so Ron doesn't try chucking you out the window when we go past the lake," Sev muttered with a roll of black eyes, scooping the cat up from the opposite seat and cradling the ugly orange creature in his arms in the same way Ron was holding Pig's cage.
With a final grumble to demonstrate his reluctance to allow Crooks and Pig in the same vehicle without the former being safely locked away, Ron set the cage on the floor by Harry's feet and clambered back inside. Once seated, he closed the door and retrieved Pig's cage from the floor. It would be easier, Harry thought to himself, if Ron had let Pig out at the station to fly with Hedwig. Then again, the tiny owl was a complete idiot and almost as much of a menace as Sev's cat; Pig would be sure to get lost or fly into an electricity pylon, or something equally stupid.
"Dunno why you don't keep that blasted thing safely locked up," Ron complained, glaring at Crooks again.
"He was in his carrier all the way from my house to here," Sev replied defensively, stroking Crooks' orange fur and slouching back against the upholstered seat. A sharp lurch forward notified the three that their carriage was beginning to make it's way along the road to Hogwarts Castle. "It'd be cruel to keep him locked up now that we're nearly there."
Ron scowled. "It's 'cruel' to inflict that on-"
"What was that about Chocolate Frog cards, Ron?" Harry interrupted quickly, trying to defuse the situation before it deteriorated into one of the hours-long bouts of name-calling and familiar-insulting that had made the summer term of their sixth year less than pleasant.
"There's a new set out!" Severus couldn't quite decide if Ron had fallen for their friend's incredibly transparent ploy, or if he'd simply decided to play along to make Harry happy. The Boy Who Lived had little happiness in his life; even less following the death of his beloved godfather in the confrontation with Voldemort's lackeys inside the Ministry of Magic, during the Trio's fifth year at Hogwarts.
"'Most Villainous Villains'. It's in honour of the 'Fall of the Dark Lord'," he continued in the tone of one who had memorised their speech perfectly. Or one who was reading from the crumpled newspaper clipping he was trying to hide behind raised knees. "A collection of the most foul and evil Wizards and Witches in history. 'Cording to the Prophet, the set includes He Who Must Not Be NamedGrindelwald, Lillith, Montezuma, Set, Herpo the Foul, Rasputin, Hecate, Jack the Ripper, Ivan the Terrible, Lucretia Borgia, Adolf Hitler, Morgan le Fey, Elizabeth Bathory, Barbara Streisand, Genghis Kahn… they've re-used some of the regular cards!" His tone was disappointed and slightly hurt, as if it had been done on purpose to offend him. "I wonder if Granger's in there..."
"Professor Granger, Ron," Sev corrected with a long-suffering sigh. Over six years of nagging and correcting, and Harry and Ron still wouldn't use the Potions professor's proper title. It was times like this – every single week during term-time! - when Sev wondered why he bothered. He should let them lose House Points for disrespecting teachers if they wanted it so badly. "And I doubt it. She's not exactly in the same league as, well, any of them."
"Plenty of room in the dungeons for a dead corpse or twenty. Just because we haven't seen them…" Ron grumbled, trailing off meaningfully and looking to Harry for support.
"I wouldn't put it past her," Harry muttered darkly. Ron nodded in agreement, sending Sev an 'I told you so' look.
"I'll agree that she's not the most pleasant individual in existence, but she's still a teacher. And can dock points for rudeness and disrespectful behaviour," Sev added with a warning glare, in the final attempt of the day to instil common sense into his friends. They all knew the Potions Mistress was black-hearted - even after the fall of Voldemort and the end of her years as a spy for Dumbledore and the Order of the Phoenix – and that she took great delight in taking points from any House not her own Slytherin, so it was beyond Sev why the other two insisted on giving her excuses to indulge in her favourite hobby and deduct extra points for fun.
"'Not pleasant'? She makes a Basilisk look-" Whatever insult Ron was about to utter was abruptly cut off as the carriage lurched to one side with an ominous snapping sound. Pig screeched with fright as the vehicle began to slide off the road and down a slope, flinging it's occupants to crowd against one window.
"Argh! Sev, get off me!" Harry yelled as he was crushed against the door by the weight of Severus, Crookshanks and the heavy tomes Sev had been carrying in his schoolbag.
"Oh, sh-" the exclamation was abruptly cut off by a trainer to the speaker's gut. Harry let out a strangled yelp as they lurched again, one wheel catching against a large object and swinging the vehicle around. The carriage abruptly halted. The trio and their pets were flung against the far doorway, landing with pained cries and muttered profanities in a heap on the floor between the seats.
"Ow! Harry, get off my hair!"
"Argh! My wrist!"
"Someone get this bloody creature off me!"
The last was Ron, gesturing to the hissing feline wrapped around his lower leg, claws digging into voluminous school robes.
Pushing a complaining Harry off the top of the tangled heap – and, co-incidentally, off Sev's unbound shoulder-length hair – the black-haired wizard staggered to his feet, narrowly avoiding falling back onto Ron as the bag strap wrapped around his ankles threw him off balance. Collapsing onto one of the now-vacant seats and apparently oblivious to the sharp slant of the carriage, Severus gestured to Ron, glancing around to make sure Harry and Pig were still alive. The Boy Who Lived to Complain was still lying on the floor beside Ron and muttering about his wrist
"Ron, he's just scared. Shut up an-" Sev trailed off, a horrified expression on his pale face as he gazed out the window. Outside the old, slightly scratched glass, he could see nothing but a dark expanse of water, gently lapping at the rocks some fifty feet below them. Lights flickered faintly in the distance, giving Sev some idea of their location.
Just off the Hogsmeade road. Right next to Hogwarts' lake. Apparently hanging at the edge of a cliff over said lake.
"Oh, crap…."
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