Disclaimer: Konami owns my soul.
Foreword: This is only a joke.
Badfiction
By: Nanaki BH
One day Snake was walking down the street and he bent down and found a penny. What a shiny penny, he thought. He picked it up and inspected it curiously. After much deliberation, he flung it away deciding that it was not of much use to him, for no one likes pennies.
Snake didn't like his street very much. In fact, no one liked his street except for niggas. Nigga stole my bike. It was in the ghetto. It was very dark and scary. People were mean. A lot of the people on his street liked to call him "gay" because he had pretty hair. He didn't like those people so he would shoot them. Badly. In the face. It would hurt and they would cry. Then if they were lucky, they might die from the headshot.
And if Snake was lucky, he would get home safely and come home to Otacon. They would have wild crazy mad butt sex and then fall asleep. When Otacon would wake up he would be a good wife and make an ice cream breakfast for Snake. They had been married since Shadow Mosses. Snake proposed the moment he saw Otacon… maybe because he thought he was a woman with that great hair, you know? Either way, they love each other very much. They would even go to church together on Sundays. The people at the Baptist church didn't like them very much and they didn't know why.
Sometimes they would rock down to Electric Avenue and then they'd take it higher. A wookie worked there. He was a nice wookie. He worked at the arcade on Electric Avenue. He would give them free tokens every time they came in, which was a lot. Snake liked to play the shooting games there, but there was a really good videogame player there named Ocelot. Once, Snake challenged him at his favorite videogame. Ocelot accepted and gave him a potato. Snake ate the potato because it would give him an advantage.
The battle was long and intense. Otacon was scared that Snake would die because Ocelot was very good at the shooting videogame. Ocelot also had crazy brain powers that enabled him to play really good. Neither of them won. They both got killed by the zombies in the game. Snake was sad and he cried. Ocelot said it was okay, but he wanted his potato back. Unfortunately, Snake ate the potato so Ocelot was mad. Otacon told Snake to run! They ran to a large green pipe and fell down until they reached Hooktail's Castle. Snake recognized the castle. He told Otacon to stay close so Hooktail wouldn't eat him. They made it through the castle safely because Snake shot all of the Dull Bones.
Otacon was very happy that Snake was good with a gun so he gave him a hug. Snake hugged him back. Snake said that if they were to beat Hooktail they would have to have a Hammer with the Super Smash ability. It required two Flower Points to use it. So Otacon and Snake wandered around the castle, fighting the Dull Bones and the Koopas until they found the Hammer. Snake took the Hammer and ran up to the top of the castle.
When they met Hooktail Snake remembered something. They didn't have the special item! They were supposed to get something that started with "cr" and ended with "icket"! But they fought the dragon anyway. But because they didn't have the special item, Snake and Otacon got a GAME OVER.
They were returned to the title screen. Snake told Otacon that it was okay and they could try again some other time when they found the special item. Otacon was sad though and he wanted to try doing something else so they went to Zanarkand. It had been in ruins for thousands of years but that didn't matter. Otacon was really good with machines, so he knew how to dismantle the Machina with his Steal move. Snake was really impressed. When they reached the intersection they took a left so they could go to the Dome. They fought Yunalesca inside the Cloister of Trials and they won because they had armor that was Zombieproof and she didn't stand a chance. Besides, Snake knew Bushido. PRAY NOW!
When they got out they had to find out how to use the Final Aeon because they sort of… killed the person who would let them use it. They decided they wouldn't bother. They went back home to the ghetto. It was night and the streets were oddly quiet. The telephone rang and Otacon jumped in fear. He picked up the phone to hear Colonel Campbell on the other side. He told them he wanted to meet them at Petalburg Gym. They accepted. It was undoubtedly a challenge!
Otacon wasn't that good with Poke'mon. All he had was a Pikachu. Campbell had a Vigoroth! He was really strong with his Vital Throw technique. Pikachu had low Defense but he had very high Special Attack power. He attacked the Vigoroth viciously with Thunder. Campbell lost in one hit. Because he lost he had to hand over the Balance Badge.
"Now what do we do, Snake?" Otacon asked.
"I've got me two dollars. Gonna go buy me some hoozers."
omgauthorsnote: How 'bout that badfiction, eh? It was made for "The Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Fanfiction Contest of Wonder and Bewilderment!" contest at the mgsslash community on Livejournal. Don't worry. I don't really write like that.