The Next Day:

"Chakotay!" B'Elanna raced down the hall to catch up with him.

"Just the person I wanted to see. I haven't had a chance to talk to you since you recovered. How are you?"

Chakotay stopped and gave her one of his intense stares. B'Elanna smiled and it softened her appearance.

"I'm fine."

"Did you find all of the answers you sought?"

"Some." And with that B'Elanna was quiet.

"I'm glad." B'Elanna began shuffling on her feet and Chakotay guessed correctly that talking about it made her uncomfortable.

"Don't force it B'Elanna, when you're ready to talk about it, you know where to find me." With that Chakotay began to take his leave. He was stopped when B'Elanna put her hand on his arm.

"Chakotay…" She stopped for a while and then started again. "Once I accused you of becoming the ship's counsellor but you insisted that you were just a friend. Right now, I need a friend to help me sort through what I experienced. Will you help me?"

Chakotay was beaming. B'Elanna said 'help me' in a sentence and there was no indication that she was talking about a technical problem or piece of machinery. He knew that what she had gone through would have changed her, but he didn't think that he would be seeing the results of that change so soon.

"I'd be honoured. When?"

"How about 19:00 hrs when I get off of duty. Meet me in my quarters?"

"Don't say it too loud, people might start getting ideas."

"They can get all the ideas they want, but I find out that anyone has been circulating that kind of rumour and Tom hears of it, I'll rip their tongues out and make my next pair of boots out it. Who do they think Tom and I are? You and the Captain?"

"Lieutenant!"

Chakotay was trying to be stern, but knew she that he was laughing on the inside.

"Just kidding Chakotay, I'll see you then." B'Elanna left chuckling. Chakotay did a double take and debated whether or not he should send her to sickbay for a check up. But he knew what it was. And he looked forward to hearing more of what she had gone through on the Barge of the Dead later that night.

When he entered B'Elanna's quarters at her bidding, the candles were burning in full force and they had an aroma that Chakotay had never smelled before.

"What are they?" He asked gesturing to the candles.

"They're Klingon healing candles, they have a calming aroma and chemicals that sharpen the senses. It's normally used when a warrior is preparing for battle."

"We're going into battle?" Chakotay made himself comfortable joining her on the floor on the cushions that she had laid out for them.

"No, but there is wisdom in opening up the senses and calming the nerves for what I'm about to say. My emotions have been in an uproar for these past few days."

B'Elanna fell silent watching the candle and closed her eyes for a moment. He could hear her breathing becoming regular and he joined her. After a while, he found out that she was right about the candles. It did calm him and allow him to focus his mind on what was to come by emptying it of all the mindless things that had come to his attention that day on the ship. After about 10 minutes he slowly opened his eyes and found B'Elanna watching him.

B'Elanna found that she did not want to break the silence so she sat for a while longer staring at Chakotay and he let her by not breaking her gaze. He smiled; it was a small one but she read in it an encouragement to go on.

"Yesterday, I found out that my version of Hell is Voyager." B'Elanna said haltingly almost as if she knew that he was going to stop her. But Chakotay knew better than to interrupt. He had listened to a lot of the crew during difficult periods of their individual journeys and knew when to interrupt and when not to, but she didn't know that.

Chakotay gave her space to continue. "Apparently, I have pushed everyone so far away that I've created my own Hell right where I live. You were all there; the Captain, you, my mother, Tom, Harry, Neelix, The Doctor, Tuvok even Seven. All telling me what Hell I have made for myself aboard this ship by pushing people out of my life, away from me.

The Captain told me that I had let my anger consume me and now it was consuming all of you. All of the people on this ship who are my closest friends…all the people that I love." B'Elanna was looking down at that point, but when she said that last part of her sentence, she took a chance and looked up into Chakotay's face. The smile was still there and it encouraged her to go on.

"Has my anger consumed you?"

"Yes…." Chakotay hesitated as he saw the look of sorrow on her face. "But not in the way that you think. You've been so angry at the world B'Elanna and until recently, you've been so comfortable in it that you've used it as your shield to prevent you from getting hurt again. It does that, but it also blocks a lot of the love, the joy that your friends want to share with you. It has consumed us, because there is much that we want to share with you professionally, personally and I would even venture to say intimately on Tom's part, but you have been blocking it, B'Elanna and you've hurt us by refusing the gift that we want to share with you."

"Why would you want to share that kind of gift with me, I'm just an angry half Klingon."

"There you go again. Do you realize that it's the first thing you say about yourself when you talk to anyone of us? If I had to describe you I wouldn't use those terms at first. I'd use them last. You're a good friend, an excellent engineer, a passionate person, a loyal individual who gives all of her expertise and her energy to any project or cause that she has deems worthy. Yes you're a half Klingon and yes you're angry more than any other Klingon that I know, but what is good in you far outweighs that."

"I tried to be a good daughter, a good Starfleet Officer, a good Maquis, lover, friend but my anger just seems to come out and threaten everything that means something to me."

"B'Elanna what image are you trying to live up to?" Chakotay placed his hand lightly on her arm as a lightbulb went off in his head. He didn't know where it came from then, but after he made a mental note to make time to thank his spirit guide for the inspiration.

"What I think is a good Maquis? What Kathryn thinks is a good Starfleet Officer? What you mother thinks is a good daughter? What Tom thinks is a good lover? What the others think what makes a good friend and co-worker and what the engineering crew thinks is a good boss? No wonder you're angry, I would be too if I tried to live up to that many other people's high expectations."

"B'Elanna.."

B'Elanna was mesmerized by what he was saying. He leaned over to her and gripped her arm tightly in order that the impact of his words would also be felt.

"We only want you to be who you are, we only want you. However you determine is the best way to be a good Officer, daughter, lover and friend. Who you are and who you are becoming is all you have to live up to. You just have to be true to yourself. Chose to live B'Elanna, not to exist as a pale imitation of what you think we expect from you."

B'Elanna gasped and covered her mouth with her free hand. Chakotay realized that he was holding her wrist too tightly and he let go, thinking he had hurt her.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you…." He began but she cut him off by grasping his hand. She stared at him and he could see the fire coming from her soul into her spirit. This was the B'Elanna who had earned her place in his heart, the one who he had seen so infrequently. This was the truest expression of herself.

"No, no….It's just that's what the Captain said, when I was on the Barge of the Dead, She told me that you, all of my friends here on Voyager only wanted me and my mother……she told me that she couldn't give me what I was denying myself, she couldn't define who I was or who I should be. I was the only one who could do that…..she told me…..she told me that I should choose to live." B'Elanna pinned him with her stare and Chakotay gave her a look of surprise that lingered as he considered what she had said, meant.

"I told you that you were there Chakotay, you didn't believe me." B'Elanna was silent for a time after she made that statement.

Chakotay looked down trying to reason out what she had said, but then he gave up and accepted it. When he looked up again, B'Elanna was smiling at him.

"Someone wise once told me that there are things in the universe that can't be scanned with a tricorder. I think that we were both part of one of those things yesterday."

"That person was very wise indeed. And….. a good friend that you would remember what he said."

"A close friend, a big brother, and the kind I wish I had when I was growing up. A friend who never gave up on me while I was giving up on myself and a brother who made sure that the world didn't harm me while I was growing up."

Chakotay basked in the warmth of her compliment in silence.

"I threw my anger away on the Barge." B'Elanna was the one who broke it.

"Do you think you've seen the end of it?"

B'Elanna thought for a while and then she said. "No…….. maybe it wasn't my anger that I threw. Maybe it was my self-loathing, my fighting with myself, my fighting people from getting close to me."

"My mother had told me that I had taken the first steps on my journey. I guess it's the first steps of really wanting to control my anger, to channel it to honour my Klingon heritage instead of bringing dishonour to my family. Also the first steps of letting people in; to stop my anger from preventing me caring for someone….caring for all of you." B'Elanna's voice was very soft as she said that.

"The Captain must think that I went to the Barge of the Dead and flipped out huh?" B'Elanna changed topics as she said that. Chakotay looked at her. She knew him too well. She knew he would have sought out the Captain by now to see what she thought of B'Elanna's actions in sickbay.

"No. Yesterday's experience didn't only change you, B'Elanna, and you've changed Kathryn a lot, you've given her a lot to think about. And before you say it, it's not all bad and she has no regrets. In fact you've changed her mind about a lot of things and it's for the better."

"I guess you can't elaborate, huh?"

"Nope, she enjoys the same friend-friend confidentiality as you do." Chakotay laughed as B'Elanna made a face.

"Now what Chakotay?"

"What do you think?"

"I don't know. I was kind of hoping you'll help me with it. Maybe you have some kind of ritual that you people do when you've gone through a life changing experience. I promise I won't try to kill my spirit guide."

"Forget the ritual, it's meaningless….."

"Stop it Chakotay." B'Elanna was shivering, Chakotay looked at her with concern.

"What's wrong, Do you want me to call sickbay?"

"No……no. Continue what you were saying." B'Elanna got a grip on herself, but she was still a little freaked out by what she was hearing.

"Forget the rituals, it's meaningless if you don't truly believe. Right now the best way that I can help you through this, is to tell you to find your own way."

"I'm afraid that I'll mess it up."

"From what I've seen so far, I think that you're doing just fine."

Sometime After:

He made it through the door, took off his jacket and sat on the couch. It had been a long day. There were so much sensor data to analyze before he, Tom, Harry and Neelix went on their away mission that he had been working 15 hours a day for the past three days.

That wasn't all. His regular function as First Officer had become very demanding in the past week. The crew was suffering from Cabin fever. They hadn't had shore leave in about a month. He knew that he had one Vulcan going through her Ponn Farr. Talare had been on sick leave twice in the last three days and the other crew members in Stella Cartography were running themselves ragged trying to do her work plus their own in time for the mission. Seven was upset that one the crew members assigned to Astrometrics had been rotated into Stella Cartography to pick up some of the slack and was taking it out on all of them by being super efficient and decrying everyone who wasn't. He had to talk to her twice in the past week.

Tuvok was more snippy than ever over some practical joke that Tom and Harry had played on him just to keep them from going stir crazy. Neelix was going through one of his cooking spates and had been brushing on Alpha quadrant cuisine by making Bolian dishes for the last two weeks which normally features an inordinate amount of meat. Tom and B'Elanna were so happy and gushing around each other that the other crew members who weren't so fortunate were making rude remarks. He had to remind them that B'Elanna was half Klingon and what would probably happen to them if she found out. He just found doing that easier than dealing with it formally. And to top it off the Captain was either busy with ship systems or in her quarters not coming out, so there was no one to share his frustrations with.

It's enough to make a First Officer want to scream and abandon ship.

Chakotay made himself get up and go to the sonic shower. As he stripped, he felt the heaviness of his uniform in his hands and he balled it up and tossed it in the corner, meaning to put it in the recycler later.

Days like today, I'm sorry I ever put that damn thing on again.

As the pulses, began jettisoning all the dirt that he had picked up during the day, Chakotay began to feel a little better. He stayed in the shower until he felt a little more human and afterwards he wrapped a towel around his waist and proceeded to the replicator. He ordered dinner and sat down to eat without getting dressed. It was quiet, too quiet and a thought that had been forming in his mind was telling him how much in a funk he was.

I'm there for the Captain, I'm there for the crew; Who the hell is there for me?

Wallowing is not like you Chakotay.

His father's voice popped into his head.

He put on Jazz, slow and low. He rummaged around in the storage compartment in his living area and found the incense that B'Elanna had given him a while ago, after his experiences in Chaotic Space. He lit one stick but it wasn't enough to light the darkness, since the only light burning in his quarters was in the bathroom. He put the stick of incense on the dresser besides his bed, felt around until he found a set of night clothes in the drawer, and climbed into bed.

He must have dozed off for a while and in his dream he doing rounds. He kept walking into rooms, corridors and crew members nodded to him saying 'aye sir', 'right away sir', 'we're right behind you sir'. In Astrometrics, Seven told him 'As you wish Commander.' In Tuvok's Office, Tuvok greeted him with, 'I can function up to two weeks without sleep, you however should get some rest'. Tom and Harry were on the Bridge when he came in, 'We've got your shift sir, you should try and get some sleep.' In sickbay, the Doctor told him, 'I'm recommending that you take the next two days off.' And in Engineering, B'Elanna told him, 'I got this one big brother.' Finally he reached in the Ready Room. 'You're fine First Officer Chakotay, but you don't know when to let go. You've been here for each one of us.' All of the members of the senior staff, Seven and Neelix nodded their acceptance of the Captain's words. 'Now let us be there for you.' At that the senior staff disappeared at that moment, and he was left with just Kathryn. 'Let me be there for you.'

And with that Chakotay slowly opened his eyes.

Well no doubt what's on my mind.

It seemed that the past week had taken its toll. He was never one who needed verbal reassurances. He did his job to the best of his abilities because he was committed to the ship's goal and it flowed out of who he was and who he wanted to be. His job must be really wearing him down for him to be dreaming of getting reassurances from the crew.

As Chakotay struggled with this realization, his eyes followed a thin plume of smoke flowing from the stand where the incense was, as it illuminated something on the wall facing his bed. Something that he did not put there.

"Computer Lights"

Chakotay faced himself.

It was a good painting of himself, or at least his tattoo over his left side of his face. Only that quarter of his face was visible. In the second quadrant, where his right eye should be, showed lightning coming out of the socket and his hair blended into that illusion. The face was a backdrop to the silhouette of a man in a Starfleet uniform walking on a desert surface. The face was not visible on the man, but only his left eye and his tattoo were clearly defined on the backdrop. The entire painting was done in black, white and grey. Chakotay slowly came off the bed and studied himself.

It was a powerful image. He felt the darkness, the mysteriousness and the sparks of energy of lightning showing the wisdom of the visage. The only thing that made it clear that it was him was the tattoo; that brand that marked him, that defined him and shaped his journey through the second part of his life. And that tattoo framed the look of wisdom in his left eye.

Chakotay reached out slowly and touched the image. And he noticed the engraving at the bottom:

Voyager's Great Mother's Messenger

Kathryn Janeway

2377

Just when you think that you're having the worst day…..something like this happens. Chakotay thought in wonder.

"Chakotay to Janeway." He spoke softly as he activated the Conn system.

"Go ahead." The response was instantaneous. "Would you please come to my quarters, there is something here I need to show you."

There was a slight hesitation this time. "On my way"

The picture was not framed, but it was stretched across a simple wooden support. Kathryn had even hung it up where he was sure to see it directly opposite his bed.

"Well what do you think?" He had heard someone enter his quarters, but he had been so mesmerized that the noise seemed to fade into the background. He turned, and he saw Kathryn standing at the entrance to his bedroom.

"Kathryn, tell me what does this picture tell you about who I am? What did you see in me that wanted to convey on this canvas?"

"Why don't you tell me what you see and I'll tell you if I have to do it again." She stepped into his bedroom and stood next to him as he ran his fingers lightly across the canvas.

"Strength, wisdom, darkness, light, heritage, pride, compassion, stubbornness, loneliness, commitment and determination. "

Chakotay turned and faced his best friend and his Commanding Officer,

"Do all of these describe me?"

Kathryn's smile was wide and Chakotay saw it when he turned around.

"I guess I won't have to do it over."

"Even if you I'd still keep this one. It speaks to me……it touches me deeply."

"I hope it does as much as my chronometer did when you gave it to me."

Chakotay took her hand for a brief moment as he said. "Maybe more." He looked into her eyes as he said it and Kathryn knew he meant it.

"I put it in your bedroom because I didn't want you to miss it. You can put it where ever you'd like."

"It belongs here." With that simple sentence, Kathryn realized how much she meant to him and Chakotay realized how highly she regarded him and how well she knew him.

"You can look at it a little more tomorrow, on your day off."

"Captain, there is a ton of work to do………."

"I know, and we will get it done, but you've had a rough week and it's taken its toll. And don't tell me it hasn't because I know you too well."

Chakotay smiled. "Yes Ma'am"

"Good-night Chakotay."

He placed his palm on her face and looked at her again. Why did he choose to reveal himself to her? How did she get to know him so well?

"Because you let me." Chakotay hadn't realized he had asked the question aloud until Kathryn answered.

He studied her again and she held his gaze.

"Good-night Kathryn."

And with that she took her leave.

Chakotay climbed back into bed and with the lights at quarter illumination, studied the image until he fell asleep.

The end

Part 17: Reflections in a Dark Mirror