Chapter 10

Shortly after noon, Lee saw his father enter the main hatchway to sickbay. He watched the commander offer a congenial greeting at the nurses' desk where he was intercepted by Doctor Cottle. They spoke at length and Lee saw his father's expressions change several times and more than once both the commander and the doctor glanced over in his direction.

"Great," Lee murmured. "Just great."

Finally, the commander's conversation with Doctor Cottle ended and he strode toward Lee's bed. He offered Lee a somewhat less-than-genuine smile. "So how are you feeling Son?" William Adama asked Lee.

"I think you already know the answer to that," Lee said, moodily.

William pulled the chair over and sat down. "The doctor told me he thinks you're starting to get your memory back."

Lee frowned. "Let's not dance around the subject Dad. He told you I had a panic attack."

"Yes he did," William confirmed straightforwardly.

Lee shook his head. "That's not what happened. There was something in that IV."

William quietly regarded his son for several seconds. "Cottle said that you believe that."

"It's true."

Adama kept his voice calm and even. "But you know it couldn't have been andropine."

"I don't know what the frak it was," Lee said testily.

"Doctor Cottle said that a flashback could be a perfectly reasonable trigger for..."

"Reasonable," Lee scoffed quietly.

"... for what you experienced," Adama finished saying. He sat forward. "Lee... this could actually be considered a good sign."

Lee raised a skeptical eyebrow. "How do you figure that?"

"You're starting to remember," William pointed out.

"But there is someone on this ship who doesn't want me to remember," Lee said grimly. "Dad somebody tried to kill me. Twice." Lee saw the skepticism on his father's face. Bitterly he said, "But you'd rather think I'm nuts."

"I have never believed you are nuts," William said pointedly.

"Just suicidal. And now you think I've added 'delusional' to the list, not to mention 'paranoid'."

"We'll leave that for Doctor Marsh to decide," William said. "She's the psychiatrist."

"But you've already decided for yourself, haven't you?" Lee asked sharply. When William didn't readily reply Lee shook his head and looked away from his father.

William dropped his own gaze down. When he spoke next he was still looking at the floor. "Doctor Cottle thinks you're strong enough to start regular sessions with Doctor Marsh in her office tomorrow. I'll get you scheduled with her on my way out." When Lee didn't reply William finally looked up again. Lee still had his head turned away; bitterness displayed across his face.

"Rest up Son," William said.

Lee heard the scrape of the chair on the floor and knew that his father was getting up to leave, but he couldn't look at him. It was several more seconds before he heard his father's footsteps moving away. Apparently the commander had waited for some response from his son, but Lee couldn't offer him any. Lee kept his face averted from his father's direction until the sound of his footsteps had faded away.

"Frak," Lee muttered. "Someone on this ship wants me dead and my own father won't lift a finger to do anything about it."


"And the Intersun Liner believes they will be ready to commence full production-level testing in their hydroponics labs by the day after tomorrow," Wallace Gray said.

"That's ten days ahead of schedule," Laura Roslin commented with a smile. "Well done."

"Very," Gray agreed.

"All right, anything else on the agenda Billy?" the President asked her secretary.

"Um, nothing on the official agenda," Billy declared. "However, I do have an update on that personal project of yours."

Laura Roslin straightened up at that news. "Good, good. We'll discuss that in just a minute. Anything else, anybody?" She looked around at her collection of advisors. "No seconds? Okay. Wally, please let me know when you get those statistics from Representative Santini. Otherwise we can call this meeting adjourned. Thank you everybody."

The President's staff all gathered their things and began filtering from the conference room on Colonial One. Only Billy Keikeya, the President's secretary, held back. When they were alone in the room Billy fished a few pages out of his briefcase.

"I've been going over the wireless logs that Dee copied for me."

"You found something?"

Billy gave her a lopsided grin. "Maybe. It isn't much."

"Tom Zarek found out about Captain Apollo's attack before anyone else did. Somebody had to tell him."

Billy gave a noncommittal nod. "Well, you were right when you said that you thought the Galactica was still monitoring and logging all wireless traffic going to and from the Astral Queen. And Dee confirmed that Commander Adama still has oversight of all such traffic before the logs are filed. On the night of Captain Adama's attack there was no communication at all between the Galactica and the Astral Queen."

"None?"

"No."

Laura was puzzled. "I thought you said you found something?"

Billy cleared his throat. "There was a message sent that night just after 1:00am from the Geminon Traveler to the Astral Queen."

"Geminon Traveler?"

"Yes." Billy handed the President a sheet of paper showing the time and duration of the logged message.

"How does this help?" the President asked.

"Well," Billy explained, "if you were on Galactica and wanted to send a message to the Astral Queen without alarming the commander... wouldn't you need to relay it through a third party?"

Laura nodded. "That makes sense, but this is hardly evidence," she said, displaying the page for emphasis.

Billy handed her another sheet of paper. "Ten minutes earlier, someone did send a message from Galactica to the Geminon Traveler."

Laura studied the new page intently. She set both pages down and removed her glasses. After a few seconds of thoughtful silence, she asked, "How do we find out what those messages said?"

Billy looked very reluctant. "Someone would have to review the transcripts."

Laura looked pointedly at Billy. "Does Dualla have access to those transcripts?"

Billy frowned uncomfortably. "Probably... but..."

"But what?"

Billy answered firmly, "So does Commander Adama."

Laura gave Billy a sympathetic smile. "But you know that I can't ask him."

"Actually Madame President, I don't know that." Looking very disgruntled, he said, "Dee could get in trouble just for copying the traffic logs for me. I can not ask her to do more than that."

Laura sat forward. "Billy, if this turns out to be real evidence of a plot to kill Captain Apollo, do you really think the commander will punish Dualla for helping to uncover it?"

"I don't know," Billy replied. "But don't you think that if this has the potential to actually be evidence of a plot to kill his son that the commander would want to know about it? Don't you think he deserves to? I mean... if you really did find something concrete, you'd have to tell him anyway. Why not do it now?"

Laura took a deep breath. Holding up the two pieces of paper, she said, "If I have nothing more to present to the commander than this, he will not listen to me and Dualla could very well get into trouble. The man might very well have an all out conniption!"

"Now why would you think he might do that?" Billy asked sarcastically. "Could it be because you are going behind his back... again? Using his people and his resources without his permission... again? Wasn't our first trip down this path bad enough?" Billy was damn near shouting by the time he finished.

"Billy, I am doing this because I fear for Captain Apollo's life."

"I know that," Billy countered. "But I'm not the one who needs to hear it. Tell the commander, not me."

Laura dropped her head into her hands. "I can't. I can not speak with that man. I don't know how to talk to him."

"Maybe that's because you haven't had enough practice," Billy taunted. "And maybe it's about time the schoolteacher learned."

Laura groaned. "It is not that simple."

Billy shrugged. "I never said it would be simple. I just think it's necessary."

Laura sat back. "You're not going to budge on this are you?"

Billy thoughtfully shook his head. "No, Madame President I'm not. I will not ask anything more of Dee. If you really want to know the content of those messages... if it's really that important to you... you'll have to pursue it yourself."

"I'm losing him," William Adama said. "He's alive. He's recovering. He's getting stronger. And I'm still losing him." The commander sat down on the couch and let out a long sigh. "What am I doing wrong Doctor?"

"Why are you so convinced you're doing something wrong?" Dr. Marsh asked, scribbling on her notepad.

"My son won't even look at me," William replied. "I'd say that's a problem."

"But why is it your problem?"

"You think it's Lee's problem?"

"I didn't say that."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm not saying. I'm asking."

Adama rolled his eyes. "What is it about doctors on this ship that they can't just provide a simple answer? First Cottle, then Baltar, now you too."

"It's a conspiracy," Doctor Marsh said mischievously. "We all have to study the technique before being allowed to graduate."

Adama shook his head, smiling in spite of himself. "That I can believe. But seriously Doctor, what do I do? I swore that if he pulled through this, I would do whatever I had to do to help him, but when I try... it just seems like I'm making it worse."

"How exactly are you trying to help him?" Dr. Marsh asked.

Adama sat back, his eyes looking toward the far wall of Doctor Marsh's office, as if he could see right through the bulkheads and into sickbay down the hall. "A little while ago I just tried talking reason to him. I tried to stay logical and not get emotional. I laid out the facts. He took it like an insult."

Dr. Marsh suggested, "Perhaps Lee has a different perspective on what the facts are."

"But the evidence... the evidence does not logically support his conclusions. Why can't he see that? It's not like him."

"How so?"

William's expression grew wistful. "Lee was always the analytical one. His brother Zak... Zak was the dreamer. Zak was the one who always came up with the wild ideas and was constantly succumbing to distractions. Lee was the logical one. He was always focused, dedicated... rational."

"And how has that changed?"

William looked at the doctor, puzzled. "He tried to kill himself. That's not rational. It's insane. Now he's trying to deny it ever happened. That isn't sane either."

Doctor Marsh set down her notepad and removed her glasses. "Commander, let's make something very clear. Insanity and suicidal depression are very different things."

"Different?" Adama asked, perplexed.

"Yes," Doctor Marsh confirmed. "Insanity involves the inability to process and comprehend reality. With suicidal depression, an individual is overwhelmed by reality. Some forms of insanity can result in high-risk behaviors, but when we're talking about people who are suffering from suicidal depression, most of the time we are talking about completely sane people. Now where clinical depression and other affective illnesses are present, the physical impairments that are involved can lead to what we non-depressed individuals would consider faulty judgment. But in your son's case, based upon what I have learned from you and Doctor Cottle, it appears that the onset of the alleged depression is based not on existing physical causes but upon accumulating emotional traumas. In such cases, we are not talking about a disconnection from reality. We are dealing with people who have simply reached a point where reality has become deeply painful and they see no other way to escape the pain."

"They lose hope," William said quietly.

"Yes. Precisely."

"But what causes that to happen?" William asked. "Lee's always had a very optimistic nature. Why would that change?"

"Witnessing the near annihilation of the human race might put a damper on his sunny disposition. That's just a wild guess of course."

"Lee's handled it fine up till now."

"Are you sure?"

William was thoughtful for a few seconds, then he nodded. "Yes."

"You've talked to him about it then? You've talked about what it meant to him to lose his home, the Colonies, our way of life, his plans for the future...? You've discussed all that?"

"No," William conceded.

"What about friends and family? Did he lose anyone whom he was particularly close to?"

"His mother," William answered.

"Your wife?"

William shook his head. "We were divorced. She was even getting remarried."

Doctor Marsh silently noticed the wedding band that still resided on the commander's left hand. "What was her name?"

"Caroline," William said softly.

"Have the two of you talked about Caroline?"

William dropped his eyes to the floor. "No."

"Was he close to her?"

"Yes. Very."

"Has he taken the time to grieve for her?"

After a long pause William admitted, "I don't know."

"Was there a stepmother in the picture?"

William shook his head. "No."

Doctor Marsh added a few observations to her notepad. "Did he have a girlfriend?"

William shifted on the couch a little. "I don't think so. He's never mentioned one."

"Did you ever ask him?"

"No."

"What about friends, teammates, drinking buddies? Has he talked to you about any of those?"

"No," Adama replied, seeing a disappointing trend amongst his answers.

Doctor Marsh scribbled a few notes. She asked, "Would you say that he's been pretty busy since the Holocaust?"

Adama snickered. "Very."

"Perhaps too busy to give himself the time to process everything that's happened?"

"Perhaps."

"Has anything happened since the Holocaust that would also have been personally painful for him?"

"He's lost a lot of pilots," Adama said. "Lee's always taken a lot of responsibility for their well being. He takes their safety very personally."

"Has he lost any whom he was particularly close to?"

"Starbuck disappeared on us for a while," Adama said. "She and Lee have been close friends for several years now. But she made it back."

"But her absence may have been hard on him," Doctor Marsh said.

"Probably."

"You're not sure?"

"I spent a lot of the time unconscious while she was gone."

Doctor Marsh nodded, watching the commander's face very carefully. "So, this was just after you were shot?"

"Yes."

"What about the pilot who shot you? Was Lee friends with her?"

"Lieutenant Valerii." William spoke the name uncomfortably. "I don't know if it would be right to say they were particularly close, but they were certainly on friendly terms."

"He trusted her?"

"We all did." William's voice was deeply bitter.

Doctor Marsh scribbled again. "Anything else?"

William was thoughtful for several seconds. "Nothing comes to mind right now," he said finally.

"All right," Doctor Marsh said. "Well, what about Lee's future?"

"How do you mean?"

"What were his plans before the Holocaust?"

Adama looked surprised by the question. "He was a Viper pilot."

"And?"

"And what?"

"That's it? That's all he ever planned to be?"

Adama shrugged. "I imagine he planned to work his way up to the position of CAG somewhere and then progress into command staff on a battlestar."

"Just like you did?" Doctor Marsh smiled. "Did the two of you ever specifically talk about it?"

William pondered for a few seconds, then admitted, "No we didn't. Not exactly."

"Then you're not really sure what his plans were?"

"Lee never spelled it out to me but... he's a damn good pilot, he'd completed War College, and he was promoted to captain below the zone. That spells out 'Future Battlestar Commander' any way you look at it."

"Hmm," was all Doctor Marsh said. "And what about you?"

"What about me?"

"What were your plans?"

"My plans? What does that have to do with Lee?"

"You are his father. I assume your plans would have impacted his life in some way. You were retiring, correct?"

"Yes."

"Taking up golf?"

Adama shifted his position. "My home was here, on Galactica."

"Galactica was decommissioned."

"Even as a museum, she still needed a minimal crew on board to maintain her."

"And you were going to oversee that crew?"

"Yes."

"For how long?"

Adama looked back at the doctor for several seconds, growing uncomfortable. "I don't know," he finally said, gruffly.

"Couple weeks? A year or two?"

"Probably a couple of years at least."

"So this ship was your retirement home?"

"You have a problem with that Doctor?" Adama asked defensively.

"Do you?"

Adama pushed himself abruptly to his feet. "I came here to talk to you about my son."

"And we have talked about your son," Doctor Marsh said calmly. "But Lee is not the only factor of importance in your life Commander."

"This isn't about me," he said.

"Oh? You did agree to the same level of counseling and evaluation that you are requiring for your son," she reminded him.

Adama blinked. "But that's not what I'm here for now."

"Why not? Is there some reason you have to put it off?"

Adama shook his head and paced a little around the floor of Doctor Marsh's office. "I just wanted some guidance on talking to my son. Can you offer me that or not?"

A slow smile crept onto the doctor's face. "Were you listening to yourself Commander?"

"What?" he asked.

"If you want to help your son... and really talk to him... then try picking a subject that matters to him," she said pointedly. "You yourself just identified to me several items of considerable importance to him that you have not spoken to him about. Stop pretending that you don't know where to start. The fact is that you do already know."

Adama stood staring at the doctor. The meaning of her statement gradually began to sink in.

Doctor Marsh got up from her chair and approached the commander. "Those are difficult subjects, I know. They are painful subjects. But that's why they are so important, especially if he is in trouble and the pain of those issues is driving him toward suicide. If you want to help him, keep in mind that it's the hard things he needs help with... not the easy ones."

Adama considered her words carefully then nodded his understanding.

"All right then," Doctor Marsh said, returning to her seat. She pointed at the couch. "Now sit your ass back down. I'm not done with you yet."