Chapter 13

William walked out of another rough session with Doctor Marsh to find Colonel Tigh waiting for him in the hallway. "What's up Colonel?"

"Lee's back," the colonel told his commander. "He arrived about a half hour ago for his checkup with Doctor Cottle."

"Did you see him?"

The XO nodded. "I met him on the deck."

"How did he look?"

"He looked fine to me," Tigh said. "He even said he was glad to be back on board here. Apparently Roslin was damn near smothering him over there. She not only didn't let him do any work, she practically didn't let him lift a finger."

"Poor baby," William said sarcastically.

"Anyway, he didn't spell it right out for me, but I don't think he's planning to go back after he sees Cottle."

"He wants to stay here?"

"Sounded like it to me," Tigh said. "I uh, took the initiative of assigning a Marine guard outside sickbay. Lee doesn't know about it yet, but if he is staying on I thought you might want somebody shadowing him to keep an eye on him."

Adama nodded his approval. "Good thinking. Thank you Colonel. Any update from Sergeant Hadrian?"

"Not yet."

"What about Doctor Baltar?"

"He took the blood sample, but I had to put a boot up his ass to hurry him and get the test started. That guy sure tends to get uppity now that he's Mr. Vice President."

Adama chuckled. "Yeah I know. But the test is running?"

"Yes Sir. It'll be late in the day before we get a result though."

"All right. Let me know as soon you hear anything from the master-at-arms."

Tigh took his leave and headed back for the CIC while Adama dropped in to sickbay. He spotted Lee some distance down the bay. Doctor Cottle was examining Lee's hand where the IV had been ripped out a few days ago. He just watched his son from a distance. Lee did look much better. His "vacation" on Colonial One had apparently been good for him.

"Damn it," William thought. "I actually owe her one."

Rather than interrupt the examination, William stopped one of the nurses. "Could you please let Captain Adama know that I'd like him to stop by my quarters when he's done here?"

"Of course Commander."

"Thank you."

William had scarcely been in his quarters for more than 30 minutes before Colonel Tigh and Sergeant Hadrian dropped by. He adjusted his glasses slightly and stood up to speak with them. "What's the news?"

"Lieutenant Mullins has changed his story slightly," the master-at-arms said.

Adama perked up. "What does he say?"

Sergeant Hadrian explained, "He admits to swiping the transcripts from the archives, but he said he was only covering for Ensign Karo."

"Covering what?" Adama inquired.

"An unauthorized call to a girlfriend," Hadrian answered.

"A girlfriend?" Adama was skeptical.

Colonel Tigh spoke up. "The story is that Ensign Karo was so shaken up by Apollo's attempted suicide that he had to call his girlfriend on the Geminon Traveler. Since it was unauthorized and not for any official business, Frosty was concerned that Stinger would get into trouble. So he swiped the transcripts to prevent anyone from noticing the call. He says he was just covering for his partner."

Skeptical, Adama asked, "And what does Ensign Karo say about this?"

Sergeant Hadrian replied with some bit of amusement, "The kid's a near basket case. He admitted he made the call and then begged for forgiveness."

Disappointment began seeping into William's heart. "Does this girlfriend have a name?"

"Shelby Holt," the master-at-arms replied.

"Check it out. Find out if she exists," Adama told them.

"I've already done that Commander," Sergeant Hadrian said. "I spoke to the pilot on the Geminon Traveler and he confirmed that Ms. Holt is one of his crew. She was helping to oversee the work detail from the Astral Queen that night."

"So it all checks out, including the work crew," Adama said frowning.

"Yes Sir," Sergeant Hadrian replied. "Apparently the Geminon Traveler has had a problem with a stoppage in the bilge or something, and the Astral Queen sent a crew of 4 to work on it."

Adama glowered over the top edge of his glasses. "Then Karo gets a week on KP."

"What about Mullins?" Colonel Tigh asked.

"He gets latrine duty, a formal reprimand, and confined to quarters while off-duty for the rest of the week."

"So do we turn him loose now Sir?" Sergeant Hadrian asked.

"Confined to quarters," Adama repeated.

"Yes Sir."

Colonel Tigh hung back as the master-at-arms went about her duties. "Not quite what we were hoping for huh?"

Adama's face was grim. "Not quite, but... Saul, make a few causal inquiries about Ms. Holt. I want to know more about her."

Tigh shook his head skeptically. "You're reaching again."

"Maybe," Adama admitted. "Or Ms. Holt might be part of it all. We may not have anything to prosecute Frosty on right now, but I'm not quite ready to exonerate him. Make sure he stays confined to quarters but don't let anyone know you're still asking questions. Let me know when Doctor Baltar gets his test results, and keep that shadow on Lee."

"Yes Sir," Colonel Tigh acknowledged. "Perhaps someone on the President's staff could make those inquiries about the Holt girl. It might be less suspicious if it didn't come from the military."

Adama nodded his concurrence. "Good idea. See to it Colonel."

Tigh hesitated. "You know Bill... it is possible that everything really is exactly what it appears to be. All the evidence, all the witness testimonies... it all still points to suicide."

Adama grimly replied, "I know."

Lee descended the stairs to his father's quarters with some trepidation. He wasn't sure what kind of greeting to expect. His departure from Galactica three days earlier had been rather abrupt, and he hadn't even taken the opportunity to say, "See ya later Dad," before leaving the ship. He anticipated that his father had probably not been happy about it. He might even still be flaming furious. Lee actually did feel a little guilty about how he had run away from home, but he still felt it was the right choice to make at the time. If he'd spoken to his father before departing, it would have just sparked another heated argument. Well, he couldn't very well avoid the Old Man forever, so Lee braced himself and forged ahead.

Just inside the hatch, Lee saw his father seated on the couch of his living space, pouring over a stack of papers. "Commander, you wanted to see me?"

William looked up and saw his son standing at near attention. Lee was dressed casually in sweatpants and tanks rather than in uniform but his posture fairly screamed military formality. William tried to offer a welcoming smile. "Of course I wanted to see you. It's been days Lee. Have a seat."

Lee was pleasantly surprised by his father's reasonably warm welcome, but he couldn't help feeling wary. When was the hammer going to fall? He sat down on the couch, but didn't relax. He was seated forward with his elbows on his knees. "First off Sir, I think I owe you an apology. I should have notified you in advance that I was leaving the ship."

"You had permission from Doctor Cottle," William said.

"Yes Commander, but I still should have said something to you in person. I'm sorry that I didn't Sir."

William had not failed to notice that Lee was addressing him completely by formal title. "I would have appreciated that," he said. "But... it looks like they took decent care of you over there. You look good."

Lee finally cracked a slight smile. "They took very good care of me. A little too good at times."

"You got all the rest you needed?"

"Plenty," Lee said. "In fact Doctor Cottle just cleared me for light duty... pending Doctor Marsh's evaluation in a few days, of course." Lee held up his left hand, which was now minimally bandaged. "Hopefully by then, this will be all healed and I can even be cleared for flight."

"That's good," William said. "Very good. What time are you planning to head back?"

"Back?"

"To Colonial One."

Lee was again surprised. His father didn't appear to be at all opposed to the idea that Lee might be leaving the Galactica again. "Um, actually Commander, I was planning to stay put."

"Oh?" William had already expected to hear that, thanks to Saul's earlier report, but he tried not to let Lee know that. "Don't like the food over there?"

"Actually the food there is better than here," Lee said. "But I think I've pretty much got my strength back now and I'd really like to see if I can concentrate more on getting my memory back."

"No luck at all over the past few days?"

"None," Lee said, his disappointment written all over his face. "Before I left, I really felt like I was right on the verge. It was uncomfortable and really unsettling but... at least it assured me that the memories are there. On Colonial One, it was comfortable and I was able to rest all I needed, but I think I need to be here, back in this environment to jolt my brain back into gear." Lee laughed at himself. "I don't think I'll remember until I'm willing to face the discomfort that comes with it."

William chuckled. "Sounds like something Doctor Marsh might have said."

Lee nodded, laughing. "Yes, it is."

"Tough little cookie, isn't she?"

Lee chortled. "Downright brutal when she wants to be."

William smiled in amusement. "So she's dropped the hammer on you too huh?"

"Heavily," Lee said, smiling. "In fact, I'm due for another beating in just a short while."

"Good luck."

"Gee thanks."

"Don't get smart-alecky. I already had my beating today." William pushed himself to his feet. "Would you like a drink? I only have water, of course."

"Yes thanks."

William walked just around the corner and poured a couple of glasses, smiling to himself over the fact that Lee had dropped all the formalities. "Have you seen Kara yet?"

"No," Lee replied. "I came straight here from sickbay, so I haven't had a chance to hunt her down yet. How is she?"

"Very busy," William said. He set down the pitcher and brought the filled glasses back over to the couch. He handed one to Lee. "The pilot shortage is continuing to be a real problem and the last few days haven't helped." He settled onto the couch beside Lee.

"Did something happen?" Lee asked, looking concerned. He hadn't heard any reports of emergencies while on Colonial One, but the President had been keeping him very sheltered while he was there.

William took a long drink, then set his glass down. "Actually Lee, we were following up on what appeared to be a couple of leads that might have implicated Lieutenant Mullins in a plot to kill you."

Lee almost choked on a mouthful of water. He swallowed hard. "Frosty?" he asked, stunned.

"But," William added, "they didn't really pan out after all. We're still checking on a few details just to be thorough, but it looks more like a pilot who just fudged on the rules a little."

"How so?" Lee asked.

"Some racy photos hidden in a locker, an unauthorized late-night call to a girlfriend, that kind of thing."

Lee looked bewildered. "And this was part of a plot to kill me?"

Adama shrugged deprecatingly. "Initial appearances may have been deceiving. What we saw was a roommate of yours sneaking around trying to cover his tracks and we jumped to conclusions. He is being disciplined, confined to quarters while off-duty for the next several days. So... if you are going to be staying on board, I want you to find alternate sleeping arrangements, at least until everything is fully resolved with Frosty."

Lee sat back and shook his head. "I can't believe Frosty would be involved in anything like that. Some nudie photos sure, but not..." His voice trailed off in disbelief.

"We should have everything fully straightened out soon."

Lee ran a hand through his short dark hair. "Well there are plenty of unused racks in other quarters."

Adama waited a few seconds before suggesting, "You could stay here."

Lee's eyes shifted toward his father. "Here? Right here?"

"Why not? If you can bunk up with President Roslin, why not me?"

Lee burst out laughing. "Oh come on Dad. I was on the same ship, not in the same room!" Lee shook his head incredulously.

William smirked. He didn't say it out loud but he was privately pleased to hear that statement from Lee. "Well whatever. My offer stands. You're welcome to crash here."

Still laughing mildly, Lee said, "Thanks, but I'll be fine in regular officers' quarters. There are plenty of open racks to choose from." Lee's demeanor then quieted considerably. "I uh, I didn't think you were doing any investigating at all into what might have happened."

William said gently, "Well, we haven't had much to go on Lee. We've interviewed everyone who saw you that night. We sent the needle back to the lab. It hasn't turned up anything new. To be honest with you, the evidence really doesn't support your claim Son. The only witness who might be able to tell us something different is you. And you haven't been able to tell us much."

Lee nodded, understanding. "So you still think I probably did it. Don't you?" Lee's question wasn't spoken harshly. It was just a request for confirmation.

"I have to still consider that a strong possibility," William replied frankly.

"Is that why you're having me followed?"

William grinned. "I was wondering how quickly you'd notice."

"I don't suppose you're going to let me tell him to get lost?"

"You can tell him, but don't expect results."

Lee frowned. "So how long can I expect to have my new shadow? Until Doctor Marsh informs you that I am not a crackpot?"

Adama considered the question carefully. "Until I'm convinced there's no danger."

Still grimacing, Lee shook his head and stood up. "Thanks for the drink," he said. "I gotta go. It's time to get beat up again."

Lee smiled when he stepped into Doctor Marsh's office. Perched on the corner of her desk was a familiar metallic sculpture. "Nice flowers," Lee said, walking in and nodded toward the doctor's desk.

"Aren't they though?" she asked slyly.

"It didn't even occur to me until I got to Colonial One that I'd left that here during my first session."

"Well, I've kept them nicely watered for you. So, how does it feel to be back amidst the chaos?" Doctor Marsh asked.

"Well, Doctor Cottle has cleared me for light duty," Lee replied. "Hopefully my hand will be healed up well enough in the next few days that I can be cleared for flight."

"You know that's not what I asked Lee. Why are you trying to evade the question?"

Lee tried to think through what his reply would be, but then had to just admit, "Because I'm not sure of the answer."

"Yes you are."

Lee shook his head. "No. This time I'm really not. I'm glad to not be bored anymore. But..." Lee's turmoil of thoughts tumbled around his brain. He was having difficulty sorting through them enough to try explaining them. Finally he said, "Okay, um... all this time, I've been angry that no one here was even considering the possibility that I'm not suicidal. They weren't even trying to find out if someone tried to kill me. But just now my father told me that they've been investigating one of my pilots... and as he was telling me about it, I just felt this... dread. Dad was doing exactly what I wanted him to do... but I was sitting there hoping that he was going to be proven completely wrong about it. I didn't want it to be true."

Lee sat forward on the couch and rested his head in his hands for a few seconds. "He said something else that I've been considering for the last few days. He said that there is simply no evidence to support my claim that I was attacked. There's no evidence of foul play at all. So... what if he's been right all along?"

"Right about what, Lee?"

In a very quiet voice, Lee asked, "What if I did it? Maybe that's why I can't remember. I've been concentrating so hard on trying to remember being attacked... and nothing is coming back. Maybe the reason I'm not remembering is because that isn't what happened. Maybe I just don't want to remember doing it myself."

"All right," Doctor Marsh said gently, "let's pursue this for a little bit. Your memory loss is limited to the few minutes that it took you to walk from the rec room to your quarters, and a few more minutes until Lieutenant Thrace arrived at quarters behind you. Now, suicide is not something that people just do for the heck of it on the spur of the moment. It's a process, not just a singular act. If you did this, it was the culmination of something that you had been considering for some time.

"People do not just decide to go and die. First they experience a significant level of pain. Then it becomes overwhelming, so they start looking for solutions. Eventually, they reach the conclusion that there is no solution and most importantly they come to believe that their situation will never improve. Many times, they don't even really want to die. They just want to escape the pain and they can't see any other way to do it.

"Now, Lee... you and your father had a conversation the afternoon before your attack. Do you remember that?"

"Yeah." Lee remembered it all right. It was not a happy memory, but it was a clear one.

"Do you remember what you told him?"

"We argued," Lee said. "He was still very bitter at me that I had disobeyed an order of his, and I felt that it was my duty to disobey that order. So we argued. Again."

"That's not all you said," Doctor Marsh told him. She flipped through several pages in her notebook before finding what she was looking for. "According to your father you told him that you didn't know why you should bother waking up in the morning... you didn't have any hope that things were going to change... and you thought perhaps you should have just let the Cylons kill you."

"I thought you weren't supposed to tell me what you and my father have talked about," Lee said.

"Don't change the subject," Doctor Marsh said sternly. "We're not discussing your father right now. We're discussing you. Do you remember saying those things?"

Lee thought back to that afternoon. It was his last day as acting-XO, though in truth he'd been doing more than just the XO's job for several weeks. Many members of the crew were discontented with Colonel Tigh's command, so they had taken their business directly to Lee instead. The President and several members of the Quorum of Twelve had done the same. When Colonel Tigh waffled on his decisions, Lee often made the defining suggestions that were finally carried out. And on more than one occasion Colonel Tigh had over-indulged in the liquor that his wife seemed always to have on hand. Kara's lack of discipline over the Air Group, not to mention her own regular insubordination, had not helped matters either.

When he'd walked into his father's quarters that afternoon, Lee had been just about at his wits' end. He'd barely slept or eaten for several days, and he had been hoping that an olive branch might... just might make the commander's transition back to active duty easier for them both. It hadn't turned out that way. At first, he'd received cold indifference from his father, and things had then deteriorated into open hostility. They had even damn near come to blows.

"I was in a pretty crappy-ass mood," Lee told the doctor. "I was stressed... tired..."

"Depressed?" Doctor Marsh asked.

"I guess." Lee winced and corrected himself before Doctor Marsh prodded him to. "I was a bit depressed, yes."

"Do you remember saying those things to your father?"

After a brief hesitation Lee admitted, "Yes I do."

"Did you ever have those same thoughts before that day?"

Lee was thoughtful for several seconds. Then he nodded. "I did, yes."

"Frequently?"

Lee's brow furrowed. "No," he said. "Just occasionally. Like right after the Holocaust when the Cylons just kept coming, and coming, and coming... for five days straight. There were a few times, somewhere after our 200th launch in a row, when I was sitting in the launch tube wondering why I should bother. You know, thinking I should just let them shoot me this time so I can get some sleep."

Doctor Marsh actually smiled at Lee. "Any other times you can specifically recall?"

"After my father was shot... by someone I trusted, someone I was responsible for...one of my own pilots. I had a few bad moments then. And there have been a couple of times late at night... when I wake up from a nightmare... and I wonder if any of us are ever going to be safe again, or if all we're doing is just buying a little time."

"I have news for you Flyboy," Doctor Marsh said. "There's not a single sane person in this fleet who hasn't been awakened late at night wondering the same thing. What I want to know from you right now is what you were thinking when you said goodbye to your father that afternoon."

Lee considered the question. "What was I thinking?"

"Was it 'goodbye' Lee?"

Lee thought about it, then actually cracked a smile. "Not exactly no."

"What's so funny? Your father was very disturbed by the fact that you actually said 'goodbye' to him."

Lee was still grinning. "I really don't remember exactly what word I said. I just remember that I was sick of his shit and I gave up on him. I gave up trying to reach him. I said something... maybe it was 'goodbye'...but I was actually flipping him off at the time."

"You flipped him the bird?" Doctor Marsh asked.

"Yeah."

"Your father left out that detail."

"He'd already turned his back on me. He didn't see it."

"And it wasn't a 'you'll be sorry' kind of gesture?"

"Sorry for what?" Lee asked.

Doctor Marsh clarified her question. "Was it a 'you'll be sorry when I'm dead' gesture?"

Lee looked surprised. "No. It was just a 'frak you, you pissy son-of-a-bitch' gesture."

"Were you hurt by his rejection that day?"

"Yes," Lee admitted. "It's not fun seeing your father act like he hates you."

"The way that you used to act toward him after your brother died?"

That hammer fell hard. Lee grimaced, then admitted, "Yes, exactly like that."

"Yet Lee, you've also already told me that all through that time when you were so angry with your father about Zak, you also still loved him. Do you recognize then, that even though your father might be angry at you for what he sees as a betrayal, he still loves you?"

After a bit of reflection, Lee nodded. "Yes," he said. "But love doesn't seem to stop us from pissing each other off."

"So when you walked out of that conversation, you were pissed off, hurt, tired, stressed, feeling rejected, isolated..." She sat forward and looked him straight him the eye. "Were you contemplating suicide Lee?"

"No," Lee said quietly.

"Lee?" Doctor Marsh asked very firmly.

"No," Lee said with equal fervor. "I wasn't."

"And during the card game? You remember walking away from the table now. When you did that, were you planning to go and kill yourself?"

Lee shook his head again. "No."

Very sternly, Doctor Marsh asked, "No thoughts of suicide at all?"

"No," Lee declared. "All I was thinking about was that I had a to-do list a meter long for the next morning and I needed to get some sleep."

Doctor Marsh sat back and crossed her arms. "And that's it?" she drilled him.

"Yes," Lee confirmed again.

The doctor's posture relaxed and she smiled at him. "Then why all the sudden doubts Lee? Why are you now wondering if you did it?"

Lee had to take several seconds before replying. "Because it would be easier."

"Easier?"

He explained, "If someone else did this, it means that we have a murderous traitor among us, probably someone that I know... someone I've trusted... and Lords know what other kind of damage that person has done. And we simply can't afford to lose anyone else, especially another pilot like Frosty. But if it's just me... there's no damage, no threat. And I can fix the problem." Lee took a very deep breath. "It really would be easier."

Doctor Marsh chuckled. "Lee, we've already talked about your over-developed sense of responsibility. I think your doubts here today are just another example of that. It wasn't up to you to save Zak. It wasn't your fault that one of your pilots was a Cylon. And you don't have to convince yourself that you are suicidal to spare the Galactica from losing another crewmember."

Lee laughed briefly at himself. "I really am a head case, aren't I?"

"You've got some issues," Doctor Marsh agreed readily. "But you are as sane as anyone could possibly be under these circumstances."

Lee inquired, "Does that mean you don't think I'm suicidal?"

"Sane and suicidal are two different issues," she told him.

"You're dodging my question."

Doctor Marsh gave Lee a smug grin. "Tough taters Junior. I get three more sessions with you before I have to answer that question."