Chapter 16
"What a day," William breathed as he dropped into his desk chair and slipped off his glasses. He rubbed his eyes and let out a tired sigh. It felt as though it should be getting on toward bed time, but it was still only early evening and the day's events were not resolved yet. First, another pilot was revealed as a Cylon agent. In spite of intense questioning throughout the day, however, Lieutenant Mullins had refused to admit to any wrong doing. Incriminated by his blood test alone, Frosty could not yet be tied to any criminal activities: no sabotage, no espionage, not even the presumed assault on Lee.
Then there was the collision between two civilian ships to deal with. An emergency evacuation for nearly 400 people had been initiated involving hundreds of crewmembers from both the Galactica and the Rising Star. On the bright side, the evacuation was successfully completed before oxygen and environmental conditions on the Tantalus had reached critical stages. On the down side, the combined casualties from both civilian vessels numbered 14 people as dead and another 43 as seriously injured. Dozens more received minor injuries. The Galactica's understaffed and overworked crew was now playing host to hundreds of displaced civilians while Chief Tyrol led an engineering crew in an urgent effort to repair the two damaged vessels. The Air Group was working overtime to extend the eyes and ears of the fleet while all ships remained at full stop. It was hoped that the Tantalus could at least be made livable again by morning and the passengers could be transferred back to their prior accommodations.
William allowed himself a short laugh over the report he'd heard earlier that some passengers from the Tantalus were actually complaining about the meager nature of their accommodations on the Galactica. It was true that they were being kept in what amounted to a large holding cell on the unused "museum" deck of the Galactica's starboard flight pod, but those accommodations were never intended to be long-term. One marine had actually gotten into a shouting match with a particularly unhappy passenger over whether or not the Galactica's crew was showing sufficient hospitality. Lee had been the one to intervene and settle the situation by explaining that the Galactica's staff was barely managing to cover their mission-critical duties, but were still volunteering their rest periods to do whatever they could to accommodate the displaced civilians. The passenger had been petulant at first, demanding to speak to someone in authority. Lee, who was still out of uniform, identified himself as the CAG and explained that he was technically violating regulations by tending to the passengers due to the fact he was still on medical leave, having only recovered from a near-fatal coma ten days earlier. That had been sufficient to the shame the obstinate passenger into abandoning the confrontation and going to sulk in a corner instead.
Lee's frustration had been obvious that morning when William had told him to just stay put instead of launching with the rest of the pilots in response to the emergency. William hadn't even really been surprised to see Lee turn up at the CIC a short while later to offer his ideas. What William should have done was send him right back to quarters, but Lee's input had saved lives and William had known that Lee would go absolutely batty if wasn't at least allowed to assist the refugees from the Tantalus. He also knew that Lee's natural talent for organization would be extremely helpful with managing the sudden large influx of passengers. The hasty rescue operation could have resulted in a chaotic mob of confused civilians huddling in mission critical areas or wandering the halls and causing additional problems during a state of emergency. Instead, Lee had directed an orderly transfer of the passengers from each lifeboat to the museum deck with little or no confusion and by noon they had the population of the Tantalus fully accounted for, with food and first-aid being provided.
William wanted to commend Lee for the job he'd done that day, but he wasn't sure how Lee would take it. Lee had been content to be allowed to participate in some way, but William knew Lee's heart had been out there with his pilots the whole time. The next few days would be even more frustrating for Lee and William knew exactly how Lee felt. During his own recuperation, William had been chomping at the bit to get medical clearance and return to duty. Lee had actually already been medically cleared, and was now only waiting on his psychological evaluation. William suspected that Doctor Marsh would declare Lee fit for duty, but he was selfishly pleased that it would not occur for another couple of days. By then, the crisis with the Tantalus and Dorian's Mistress should be resolved, and Lee could resume his duties under a state of normal operations. Until then, William would have the peace of mind knowing that Lee was safe. Lee would be onboard Galactica, doing nothing more dangerous than appeasing spoiled passengers, while completing his counseling sessions.
William's eyes fell upon the wall of his quarters where a shelf of books used to be. That shelf had been knocked from the wall, along with everything on it, when Lee had thrown a chair across the room in a burst of rage unlike anything that William had ever seen from Lee before. It had been a shocking and frightening moment for William to see that kind of explosive reaction from his usually tightly-controlled son. It now appeared highly likely that Lee had not actually left his father's quarters after their heated argument intending to kill himself later, but William still believed that Lee's actions constituted a cry for help in the only way that Lee knew how.
William felt a knot form deep in his gut when he thought back upon that night two weeks ago. He remembered the ice cold horror running through his body when Saul had told him that Lee had attempted suicide. He had clutched at an old photograph, lamenting the last conversation he'd had with Lee, cursing his failure as a father, and agonizing over the realization that Lee would go to his grave believing that his father hated him. Whether by suicide or homicide, William knew that his terrible fears had damn near come true.
He stood up from his chair and retrieved from a side table the same photograph that he had held onto so tightly that night when he'd feared that his eldest son had chosen to die. Lee was so young in the photograph, smiling in the arms of his beautiful mother with his younger brother beside him. William remembered all too vividly his shocked disbelief that his happy little boy had reached a point of such utter despair without William even noticing it. Then he recalled that he had indeed seen Lee's despondency that afternoon... he just hadn't done anything about it.
"Gods Caroline," William said quietly to the woman in the photograph. "How could I have screwed up so badly? He came to me for help and I slapped him across the face for it. Even if Lee wasn't exactly suicidal, he was still hurting... and I saw that... and I still turned my back on him. And then I nearly lost him."
William shuddered. These thoughts of what had almost happened were just too damn frightening. He sat down in the chair and let his head fall back against the top cushion. "I think I know what you would tell me though," he said. "You would remind me that Lee is alive... he's getting stronger every day... and at least for a little while longer, he's even safe! Well, he's as safe as anyone can possibly be these days. I have an opportunity now to mend some of the damage that I've done. Before he has to jump back into the chaos full throttle, I'll find the time to sit down with him and... finally talk about some of those subjects I know we've been avoiding... like you for instance. Sweetheart, I'm so sorry that I've never even tried to talk with him about you. It's not because I haven't thought about you... you know that. I've just been too afraid. If we talk about you, we'll probably end up talking about the divorce... and Gods know where that might lead. I know, I know... I should have had a frank talk with the boys about our divorce a long time ago. I know that you did. Hell, I always left all the tough talks to you. I even let you talk to the boys about sex."
He shook his head in disgust. "I really have been one sorry excuse for a father, haven't I? Well, you're right. Lee is alive. And even though he's a grown man... I can still be a father to him."
Just as soon as the situation with the Tantalus was resolved... hopefully by midday tomorrow... he would sit down with Lee and have that talk. It would be rough, undoubtedly, but Doctor Marsh was right. It wasn't the easy things that Lee was struggling with. It was with the painful issues that he needed help.
Doctor Cottle rolled his eyes when he saw Captain Adama approaching him again. He held up a hand to ward off the argument that he knew was coming. "What's the rush?" the doctor inquired sourly.
Lee cocked his head quizzically. "What's the rush? Doc, look around. There are nearly four-hundred people here who will need to be transferred back to the Tantalus as soon as the repairs are completed."
Cottle didn't need to look around the museum deck. He knew damn well there were hundreds of people gathered there. He'd been spending darn near his entire day circulating through that crowd and administering first aid. "Thank you for stating the obvious Captain, but what's your point?"
"The fleet will be sitting dead in space until the lifeboats have completed the transfers. That means the Air Group will be flying double-shifts around the clock. We have barely enough pilots to cover standard shifts. My team needs me now, and I can fly!"
"Your hand..." the doctor started to say.
Lee interrupted, "... is a little sore, but it's up to the job."
Cottle groaned in frustration. Apollo had been trying to approach this subject with the doctor all afternoon, ever since Doctor Marsh apparently agreed to clear him for duty. Cottle had been able to put the discussion off a few times already due to the attention that the refugees needed, but apparently Apollo's reputation for tenacity was well founded. The captain was obviously not going to give up until he had an answer.
With a grumpy expression he extended his hand toward Apollo. "Squeeze my hand," he said. With his bandaged left hand, Apollo grabbed the doctor's hand and squeezed, hard. Cottle winced. After a few seconds he tried to pull his hand away but Apollo held on. "All right, all right. That's enough." Apollo let go and Cottle shook out his own hand. "That didn't hurt?" he asked the CAG.
"You tell me," Apollo grinned.
Doctor Cottle groaned. "All right. I will clear you for flight. But... you keep in mind I'm only agreeing to do it at this point because we are in a state of near emergency and desperately short on pilots. The fact is that I've already had to put two of your people on stims. Your hand may be questionable, but you're well rested so overall you won't be any more impaired in the cockpit than anyone else right now."
"Which two are on stims?"
"Morgan and Orr. Now if you're going to go suit up, I suggest that you send at least one of those two back to their racks."
Lee nodded, smiling. "I will. Thanks Doc."
Adama signed the next report and handed it back to PO Dualla. She promptly handed him yet another. As his eyes scanned over page, he asked her, "Any update from the repair crews?"
"Repairs are completed on Dorian's Mistress," Dualla replied. "Our technicians there will be transferring to the Tantalus shortly to boost those repair crews. And... we've had another offer of assistance from the Astral Queen."
Adama shook his head. Since news of the collision had circulated through the fleet, Tom Zarek had been calling periodically, volunteering work crews from the Astral Queen to assist with the repairs on the Tantalus. "Tell Mr. Zarek again that his offer is appreciated," the commander instructed Dee, his voice tinged with sarcasm. "But Galactica's crew does not require assistance from his convicts."
"Yes Sir," Dee replied, suppressing a smile. She received back the latest signed page from the commander and handed off the final item in her hands. It was a report folder marked on the front with the words, "Eyes Only – Commander Adama." The commander flipped the folder open and began reading, his face registering instant surprise.
"What is this? When did this come in?" the commander asked.
"It was submitted by Doctor Marsh about an hour ago," Dualla said. She quickly added, "I didn't read it, Sir."
"What the –," he said. As realization sunk in, Adama's expression grew more stunned. "Has Captain Adama seen this?" he asked Dee suddenly.
"I don't think so Sir," Dualla replied. "It's marked for your eyes only. But if it pertains to him... which of course I wouldn't know... I assume he knows what it says or he wouldn't have already resumed his duties."
"He what? What do you mean he's resumed his duties?"
PO Dualla shifted uncomfortably. "Um... he showed up in CIC about 20 minutes ago, dressed in his flight suit and reported to the Officer of the Watch that he had resumed command of the Air Group and would be launching to join the squadron in flight as soon as his viper was ready. We... we all assumed you knew."
The commander just started blankly at Dualla for several seconds. Then he dismissed her. "Thank you Dee. Resume your post."
"Yes Sir," she answered quietly. She saluted and departed from the commander's quarters.
As soon as he was alone, Adama opened the report from Doctor Marsh and read through the page with more scrutiny than before. It was just the kind of executive report that Adama usually liked to receive from his subordinates. It was brief, concise, and to the point. The doctor didn't bother expounding upon her subject or detailing her analysis. She was simply officially declaring that Lee was psychologically fit for duty... and that didn't sit well with the commander at all.
"What is this?" Adama asked before he'd even stepped completely across the threshold of Doctor Marsh's office. He held up a folder in one hand, waving it for emphasis.
Without looking up from the files that she was working on, the doctor replied, "That is the recommendation that I agreed to provide to you regarding the psychological fitness for duty of Captain Adama."
"You were supposed to evaluate him for one week and then make your recommendation," Adama said.
The doctor set aside the folder on her desk and sat back to address the commander's concerns. She spoke concisely and very calmly. "Following today's session it was clear to me what my recommendation would be and that another two sessions would not change my opinion. Therefore, I saw neither any purpose in delaying the submission of my report, nor in detaining Captain Adama from his duties."
"He is not ready to return to duty," Adama declared.
"Oh?" The doctor reached casually for her notepad.
"He still can't even remember what happened that night," Adama argued. "He is traumatized! And we are right in the middle of a potentially volatile situation. This is not the right time to be throwing him back into the fray! What the frak were you thinking?"
"Sit down Commander," the doctor said sternly.
"Answer my frakking question," he demanded. "What were you thinking?"
Diminutive though she was, the doctor still had a formidable presence when she stood up from her desk chair and faced the commander. "If you want an answer, then sit your ass down! You and I will talk, if you like, but we'll do it like civilized adults."
Though it had been many decades since William had been scolded by his mother, the flinch he felt inside was exactly the same as it had been all those many years ago. He actually had to take a second to remind himself that he was not a child, and he was in fact the commander of this ship. Still, looking at Doctor Marsh's stern face he felt compelled to obey. He took a seat on the couch and the doctor sat down in her customary interview chair.
"Let's make a few things very clear Commander," Doctor Marsh said firmly. "Your position of authority on this ship does NOT overrule doctor-patient confidentiality. I do not have to... nor will I... reveal the content of my sessions with my patients to you. When I make an evaluation of fitness for duty, the declaration of 'fit' or 'unfit' is all you need to know. I will not be providing you with evidence or justifications for my decisions. That information WILL remain strictly confidential between me and my patients."
"Fine," Adama agreed reluctantly. "But perhaps it isn't the format of your report that I object to, but rather the soundness of your judgment Doctor."
Doctor Marsh actually smiled at the irate commander. "Bill, don't even try to blow smoke in my face. When you walked in here, you were not a commander objecting to the evaluation of his CAG. You were a father, scared shitless over the prospect that your son could once again be facing danger."
William visibly flinched. After a few seconds of stewing, he admitted, "All right, yes. I am scared for my son. I am scared because I don't think he's ready to be out there again. Not yet."
"And I believe he is," she said resolutely. "Now because you are his father, and not just his commander, I will tell you that Lee does have a few issues still to deal with, including the recent attempt on his life, but... so do you Sunshine, including the recent attempt on your life. Bill, you have unresolved issues dating back more than 40 years, a full freighter-load more than Lee has. Hell, just the issues that the two of you have with each other could keep me busy for a long time. I could damn near make a full-time career out of just the two of you alone. And yet... it is my professional opinion that those issues do not place either of you at undue personal risk nor pose a significant impairment in your abilities to do your jobs. I am in fact recommending that, at this time, you are both fit for duty. So tell me Bill... is my judgment sound?"
William stared at the doctor, knowing damn well he'd just been painted into a corner. He wanted to argue, but he knew it would prove futile. Doctor Marsh's decision would stand and William did not have the authority to overrule her. Lee was officially fit for duty. End of discussion. Lee could not be withheld from duty for medical or psychological reasons. But... exactly what Lee's duties would involve... that was within William's authority to decide.
William started to get up from the couch but he was stopped by the doctor's hand on his shoulder. "Hold on a minute Bill," she said. "I don't want you walking out of here thinking that I don't understand."
"Understand what Doctor?" he asked testily.
Her face grew very serious and she even looked a little sad. "That there is absolutely nothing more painful in all of the human experience than the death... or near death... of a child. It's only been two weeks since you went through that yourself. He has very nearly made a full recovery since then... but you haven't. It's not Lee who isn't ready to return to duty. You aren't ready to see him return to duty. His job is dangerous. You expected to have at least two more days before he'd be facing that danger again and you were caught off guard. I do understand that."
"Fine," William said gruffly. "Good evening, Doctor." He stood up from the couch.
Doctor Marsh called after him. "Bill, when this situation with the Tantalus is resolved, I'd like you both to come in for a joint session."
William had been heading for the door, but he turned around again at the doctor's suggestion. "A joint session?"
"Yes," she resolutely confirmed. "You know damn well that the two of you have a lot that you need to say to each other."
William couldn't very well deny that fact, but he didn't like the idea. "Maybe we do," he agreed. "But I'm not comfortable with the idea of having an audience."
Doctor Marsh nodded her understanding. "That's fair, but consider something. He's in his thirties Bill, and you've never managed yet to have a heart to heart talk with him in private. Have you?"
William didn't offer a reply. He just turned and strode quickly for the door.
"Reserve Vipers are launched, Apollo," Lee heard PO Dualla say over the headset in his flight helmet. He checked his DRADIS readout and marked the position of the three newly launched Vipers. He'd been flying all night with the squadron and his fuel gauge was creeping into warning territory. "Hot Dog, Stinger, Rat... this is Apollo. Take up position in quadrant Delta. I'll be on your six as soon as I refuel. Kat, Starbuck... you're with me. Down on the deck."
Lee heard the crackle on his headset that indicated one of his pilots was about to say something. "Apollo... Starbuck. I have more than an hour and a half of fuel left."
"Apollo... this is Kat. I have about the same amount left too Sir."
Lee gritted his teeth. Less than one day, and Kara was doing it already. "Starbuck, Kat... it's your turn for some downtime. Let's go." He banked his Viper to the left and lined up his approach with the hanger deck.
Starbuck spoke up again. "I feel fine Apollo. I don't need a break."
"It wasn't a request Lieutenant," Lee replied sharply. "Now get your bird on deck and report to me." Kara made no reply over the wireless, so Lee knew that she realized he was pissed.
The three Vipers all made picture perfect landings on their designated elevators. Lee heard the LSO declare that his mag lock was secure and the deck below him began to descend. He waited, simmering, until the elevator stopped and a tow car attached to his front landing skids. With a slight jerk, his Viper was pulled from the elevator into the hanger bay where a crew waited to fuel it and ready it again for launch. Popping the cockpit hatch, Lee handed off his helmet to Cally and sprang from his seat.
"We'll have her fueled and ready to launch in 20 minutes Sir," Cally told him. "Any issues?"
"None," he said. "She's flying just fine. Thanks Cally." He offered her a smile.
"Any time Captain," she smiled back.
"You wanted to talk to me Captain," Starbuck said behind him.
Lee turned around. Kara was standing quietly, but she looked decidedly annoyed. "Just a minute Lieutenant. Kat!"
The junior pilot approached her CAG and saluted. "Sir?"
"You're on three hours downtime. Consider yourself still on-alert, but pending a call to action stations I want you to grab some breakfast and then get some sleep."
"Yes Sir," Kat replied. She saluted again and then headed off the hanger deck.
Lee turned his attention back to Kara. "Follow me Lieutenant," he said. He led the way to the tool room and yanked open the hatch. After Kara followed him inside, he took a quick look around and confirmed that no one else was in there. Then he shut the hatch.
As soon as the hatch was closed, Kara protested. "I don't need downtime."
"I don't care if you think you do or not," Lee responded. "You've been up and flying for nearly 20 hours straight now, with only two fueling stops."
"Lee, come on," Kara argued. "You don't need to baby us. You know damn well I've gone a lot longer than 20 hours. We all have."
"That was under full-on Condition One with a constant state of known imminent attack."
"I know that," Kara countered.
"Then you should also recognize that we do not have confirmation of imminent attack, and we are not currently at Condition One. Therefore, it is not necessary to push our pilots as though we were. And secondly Lieutenant," he said with special emphasis on Kara's rank, "do not ever question or try to undermine my orders in front of the crew again. If you disagree or you have questions, you can speak to me in private."
"But we weren't..." Kara was about to interject a protest, but Lee abruptly cut her off.
"And if the opportunity for privacy doesn't readily present itself... you bite your frakking tongue until it does! Do you understand Lieutenant?"
Kara stared back at Lee and swallowed hard. "Yes Sir," she said tightly.
More quietly, he told her, "I can't have this anymore Kara. You're my deputy. You're the flight instructor. The other pilots, especially the nuggets, will be taking their cues from you, just like Kat did back there. You questioned my orders and she chimed right in. I will not stand for that again. Any more insubordination from you, as minor as it may be, and you will be disciplined. Don't think that I'm kidding."
Kara appeared truly chastised. "I'm sorry. I wasn't... I wasn't trying to undermine you Lee."
He nodded with a bitter smile. "I know. You don't need to try. You just do it by instinct."
"I'm sorry," she said again.
"I hope so," he said. "Because if this is what you call 'doing better', you're not exactly giving me a lot of confidence in you. And I need to be able to trust you Kara." He asked her then with deep sincerity, "Can... I... trust you?"
Kara looked hurt. "Yes," she answered resolutely. "You can trust me Lee. I promise."
Lee nodded, looking a little more reassured. "Then get some breakfast and a few hours of sleep. I'll see you back in the air in three."
To Lee's surprise Kara saluted him before she left the tool room. He hated coming down on her like that, but it had to be done. He could not allow the squadron to start off on the wrong foot his very first day back on the job, so he couldn't allow Kara to start sending mixed messages to the pilots. She had to be held to the same standards as everyone else.
He checked his watch. 15 minutes before launching again. He made a quick stop at the head then headed toward the mess to grab a muffin or something nicely portable for breakfast. Along the way, he encountered his father in the hallway. "Good morning Commander," he greeted him.
"Captain I was hoping to catch up with you," Adama said. "Could you step into my office for a minute?"
"Of course Sir," he replied. Well, he could scratch breakfast. Lee walked with his father to the commander's quarters.
"Chief Tyrol just reported that the Tantalus is ready to begin receiving passengers again," Adama told Lee.
"That's great," Lee replied.
"Rising Star is launching 10 lifeboats to assist with the transfer. They should be landing on Galactica within the next 10 minutes. I would like you to take charge of the passenger transfer. It'll be slow going with only ten lifeboats, but it should also be a lot less hectic than the evacuation was."
"Commander," Lee interjected, "I'm due to launch back out to the CAP in about 10 minutes."
"Starbuck can take command of the CAP," Adama said.
"Starbuck is on three hours downtime Sir," Lee said. "I just now sent her out."
"Well we can call her back."
"She's been on duty almost 20 hours straight Commander."
"I'm sure she can handle it."
"With all due respect Sir, that's the CAG's call to make, not yours," Lee said defiantly.
"Then perhaps I should officially assign Starbuck as the CAG until further notice. Right now, I have other work for you."
"Such as directing the passengers from the museum deck to the lifeboats?" Lee asked incredulously. Lee looked intently at his father's face. "Dad what are you doing?"
"What do you mean, Captain?"
"You know what I mean. You could assign a junior crewman to direct the passengers. You don't need me to do that. I've been fully cleared for flight. I've been flying all night. Why are you pulling me back?"
"Because I choose to Captain. That's all you need to know," William said sternly.
Lee's face transformed slowly from confusion to cold fury. "You still think there's something wrong with me, don't you?" Then Lee accused his father in a coldly quiet voice, "You lied to me."
William looked offended. "Excuse me?"
"You said you wouldn't do this," Lee said. "You promised me that you wouldn't try to circumvent the doctor's recommendation. You swore to me that you would abide by whatever the doctor said. You lied."
Adama faced his angry son calmly. "I do believe that the doctor's recommendation is premature."
"Too bad," Lee said irritably. "You insisted on the counseling in the first place. It was your idea. I didn't have a choice, but I went along with it all because you were convinced that I tried to kill myself. It didn't matter how many times I told you otherwise. You just couldn't trust me. You wouldn't believe me. Now... you know damn well that I didn't do it, but you're still trying to pull this crap? A frakking Cylon tried to kill me! And you know it! Why is it so impossible for you to have any faith in me!"
"It's not a question of faith Lee."
"That's bullshit Dad!"
"Do you think this has been fun for me?" William countered back, losing his temper. "Don't you think I want you to be all right? I agreed to go through counseling too, if you recall. I did it for you. I have spent long days and many sleepless nights worrying about you. Do you think I'm enjoying all this hassle and that I'm doing it for the fun of it? I have plenty enough to worry about without having to worry about you too!"
"Fine," Lee said bitterly. "Then I'll tell you what Dad. The next time, I'll spare you from all the hassle, do it right, and swallow a bullet instead." Lee abruptly turned his back on his father and stormed out of the commander's office.
Lee's words sent a shockwave through William's brain. He ran after Lee and grabbed his arm before Lee could exit his quarters. He forced Lee to face him. "Don't... don't ever talk like that. Don't even think like that!"
"Why not?" Lee laughed at his father's face. "You're already totally convinced that I do! It doesn't matter if I tell you otherwise. It doesn't matter what the doctor says. It doesn't matter that you gave me your word! It doesn't even matter that my roommate turned out to be a frakking Cylon! You are never going to listen to me or trust me anyway. What the frak does it matter what I say?"
"Lee..." William's statement was cut short by the blast of the ship's general alarm. Startled, William let go of Lee's arm.
Colonel Tigh's voice sounded over the battlestar's speakers. "Action stations! Action stations! Set Condition One throughout the ship."