Disclaimer: I do not own anything from Gravitation.

Author's Notes: Alright… this is another filler chapter, one that will be starting the closing of Noriko's High School life. I have no idea what the title means to be honest with you… it just came up. Now, this is a depressing chapter. We see Nori's view on her depression, which she fallen into. Now, as I've said before, since I play Nori, her thoughts are like mine, though I know when I RP her, we differ. Where I would get mad, she would smile, things like that. But, I tell you this now:
I don't know if she really is crazy. Yes, she was suicidal in this chapter. No, she does not cut herself or starve herself or any of that teen angst bullshit.
This is my depression folks. This is what some of us life through every fucking day. You can see how it may just drive someone insane. Now, I just would like you to keep in mind that she is NOT hearing voices… but her thoughts are taking on a life of their own. The voice I mention is just a representation of how she is no longer in control of her life. Understandable, no?
So, like before: I am not a sociopath, nor a suicidal, crazy fuck. I have my depression under control… and Nori will show you how I lived through it. Enjoy.

Noriko's Story

Secrets are a part of life.

We go on and on hiding some part of ourselves from some people. We are thoughtless, selfish, denying beings. Telling ourselves hiding something from someone is what's best for them.

How do we know? Are we them?

No, but we do it to make ourselves feel better. Not a day goes by that I wished I could've told the truth, hoping things wouldn't change. But I'm hiding behind the same excuse as the rest of the world…

I thought it was best.

Mask Of Joy, Eyes Of Sorrow

Surprisingly, it wasn't a hard transition back into my life. Few old friends, the ones I had known for years, spoke to me, averting their eyes after searching me out in the hallways, talking louder when I walked past to see if I would stop.

I wouldn't. I refused.

Who had continued to try and find me when I fell off the face of the Earth? Who had stood by my when I gave no explanations? Who had continued to show me they still cared when everyone else gave up?

Tohma and Ryuichi.

They were all I needed I realized, though I would always feel something different around them now. I know this unsettled air would hover over us.

For how long could I ignore it?

Rabbit had been born the second month in summer. School had been out and I still passed, the school excusing my absences for the sake of my 'sick relative', who, sadly, passed away despite my efforts.

It was my turn to seek Tohma out. Ryuichi's visits had begun to peter off since we had left our child. I guess he thought all would be right with the world after that.

I was left with this emptiness. I was more aware of Ryuichi's distance to me, Tohma's eyes watching me carefully, as if monitoring my every word. It was a long time before I smiled again. A long time before I took them up on their prodding to go play again.

I dutifully sat through classes once school started up again. I wasn't as loud or rambunctious in the halls. I made no efforts to ditch school or do well in school.

I just was.

I seemed to be there just for the sake of existing. A cold thought. What did I have to live for? Exist for? Why did I have to be there, just because my friends wanted me there?

Nasty thoughts tumbling throughout my mind constantly. My new state of silence left me locked in my own head, unable to escape the side of me I supposed I left repressed. The side of me that didn't want to smile when something was wrong, the side that didn't want to take care of everyone else, but be taken care of.

Now I was face to face with that other me every waking moment.

The old, happy me was just a washed out, grey memory, too weak and old to fight back. I could feel myself constantly slipping deeper and deeper into the depths of my own mind and I couldn't take it anymore. I started listening to music, any kind, it didn't matter, where ever I was. If no one was talking, the silence seemed almost life threatening.

Silence allowed me the peace to think.

Soon, I couldn't stand my own mind anymore, a headphone blaring in one ear, someone talking to me in the other, muttering to myself in between the occasional answers I had to give. The silence would kill me, I knew it.

Some days, I felt if I stopped moving, it would all be over. If I stopped, the world stopped. The noise would stop. And I would be frozen in silence, left with only my thoughts. Other days, sleeping until I couldn't sleep anymore was the best option. Laying dormant in the blissful dark horror that was my dreams, provided me with a safe silence away from mind.

When I would wake up, the thoughts would be back.

They began to take on a voice. I knew there was a voice attached to the thoughts, or else I wouldn't've talked back to them. But if I tried to focus on it, I wouldn't be able to say there was one at all. It was like a dull, roaring whisper in the way back of my mind. When I wasn't paying attention it would be as loud as someone talking directly into my ear, at a whisper, and that would bring me back and then it would recede to the farthest reaches of my mind, the darkest corners.

I began to question my own sanity.

Am I crazy? Have I lost it? Was I actually locked up in a mental ward, dreaming I'm sane?

But, then again, crazy people didn't think they were crazy… did they?

I practiced little, played even less and more often than not sounded like a recorded tape of music. No feeling. No soul. No life.

But, even through this, Tohma and Ryuichi never left me. Together, the instituted ritual sleep overs and movie nights and just nights where we went out. It was hard to get myself our of bed for these things. Hard to look forward to their happy smiles and laugh compared to my dried out, dead ones, but after a while… it became easier.

I wasn't tuning out the alarm in the mornings anymore. I wasn't futzing about my house every morning, taking such a slow time of getting out of bed to go shower, then make myself eat breakfast and do every other possible thing to keep myself from leaving the confines of my house. Soon, I felt like I was snapped out of slow motion and was going faster, back to my normal rate. After a while I began lifting my head up more and more to talk instead of muttering to the table I would stare at.

By staying by me, they saved me from myself.

Cheesy place to end it, I know. But it felt right.
Next chapter will be her coming out of the darkness... so to speak. They will... well, I don't want to give it away, now do i?
Well, I hoped you enjoyed this little bit, and I don't mind telling you all personally that my friends did save me. They never left my side and made me continue on with life. Not everyone needs drugs in my opinion, sometimes they just need a push. I was exactly like this, and sometimes I fall back into it again. I'm asking all of you out there, if any of your friends are like this, have these odd reasonings, stick by them. They'll need you.
Please review.

SL