Interview with the Elder God
A/N: Since I ran out of ideas for the fight between Val, Raziel and Kain, I decided to take a break and write this.
Disclaimer: I do not own anyone other than Widdle Waziel and Eidolon. Unfortunately, since Eidolon has nothing to do with Eidos, other than having the same first four letters, I do not own Eidos or any of their works. I do not own Scraper and to the true owner, I hope you don't mind I used the name Scraper without asking your permission. I hope you like what you got. I also don't own the Funky Chicken Dance. Now, on with the story:
Eidolon: Hello and good day to you all ladies and gentlemen, human and vampire alike, and everyone else watching the Nosgoth Network. Today we will be interviewing the Giant Squid himself, thhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeee Elder God. So Mr. Elder God, tell us about yourself.
Elder God: Well, for starters, I happen to be the center of the wheel of life and death. I am a manipulative, deceitful giant squid who owns a worthless slave boy, by the name of Moebius the Time Streamer.
Eidolon: Interesting, so Mr. Elder God…
Elder God: Oh you don't have to be so formal with me. Just call me EG.
Eidolon: Iggy?
EG: Yes, that's right.
Eidolon: So Iggy, I've heard Raziel has started being rebellious and doesn't want to follow your orders because of the whole "I have free will" thing. The question is: how do you manage him?
EG: With this…
The Elder God pulls out a giant remote control from his back.
EG: My personal Raziel Remote Control.
Eidolon: How does it work?
EG: Let me show you a live demonstration. Bring in Raziel.
Someone pushes Raziel onstage.
Raziel: What am I doing here? What's going on?
Eidolon: You're on live television, Raziel. This is the Nosgoth Network.
Raziel: Eeeeeeaaaakkk! And me without my clothes.
Raziel tries to run offstage but is grabbed by Eidolon.
Eidolon: You can't go! You're on live national TV.
Raziel: But I'm NAKED!
Eidolon: Sorry Razz but we gotta give the audience what they want.
EG: Allow me.
The Elder God presses a red button marked: PRESS ONLY IN CASE OF EMERGENCY.
Raziel suddenly stops and strips off his cowl seductively, winks at the audience and struts around like a showgirl. He tosses his cowl at the crowd and the audience goes wild. All of a sudden, a mysterious hooded figure appears and grabs the cowl before anyone else does. All that's left is a small card signed Scraper. The audience silently curses.
EG: You see. He doesn't really have free will, not while I have this.
The Elder God waves the Remote Control for all the audience to see.
Eidolon: Amazing, please show us more.
EG: My pleasure.
He then pushes a button marked: CHICKEN.
All of a sudden, Raziel grabs his torn wings and starts flapping them, while clucking and scratching and pecking at the ground. Without his cowl, his fangs quickly get stuck on the floorboards of the stage. He pulls them out with great effort and tumbles onto his back. The Elder God then cues the music and the "Funky Chicken Dance" song starts playing. Raziel begins to dance to the hypnotic sway of the music.
Raziel: Bock bokok! Cock a doodle doo!
EG: And that's not all.
The moment Raziel stops dancing, the Elder God pushes a button marked: BABY RAZIEL.
EG: I had this button installed after he devoured Zephon's soul.
Raziel clucks like a chicken and squats on the ground with his wings tightly wrapped around his body. For several moments Raziel looks constipated until finally…
Raziel: Bock bok bokok!
Raziel at once stood up leaving a green round object on the ground.
Eidolon: Ooooohhh! He laid an egg.
EG: Eggsactly!
Eidolon: How'd he do that?
EG: Consuming Zephon's soul has endowed Raziel with another hidden ability that I honestly did not want to tell him about because I was simply having too much fun.
Eidolon: What else can you make Raziel do?
EG: While we're waiting for the egg to hatch…
Eidolon: They hatch?
EG: Well of course they hatch. But for now I have something else to show you.
The Elder God then presses a button marked: ACT LIKE MOEBIUS. Raziel stops acting like a chicken, stands up straight and runs over to the Elder God's nearest tentacle and gives it a BIG HUG.
Raziel: I wuv you, Iggy!
EG: I wuv you too, Waziel!
At this moment, the green egg begins to hatch.
EG: Let's see how Raziel reacts to this… on his own.
The Elder God switches the Remote Control off. Raziel shakes his head in head in confusion.
Raziel: Whoa! I seem to have dozed back there. Did I miss anything? Hey where is my cowl?
An odd cracking sound is heard behind Raziel. He turns around to see a tiny blue creature poke its head out of the egg. Its white pupil-less eyes stare anxiously at Raziel. It crawls over to Raziel and hugs his foot.
Widdle Waziel: Mama!
Raziel: Listen, I'm not your mother, kid.
Widdle Waziel: Papa?
Raziel: I'm not your father either.
Widdle Waziel: Wwwwwwaaaaahhhhh!
Widdle Waziel starts crying incessantly, which causes Iggy to activate the Remote Control and press the button marked: SWEET AND FRIENDLY.
Raziel: Look, you're a cute kid. You remind me of someone but I don't know who. Here, have a lollipop kid.
Raziel hands a large lollipop, handed to him by one of the stage crew, to Widdle Waziel.
Raziel: What's your name, kid?
Widdle Waziel: Waziel Junior but you can call me Widdle Waziel.
The audience goes aaaaawwww!
Raziel: You've got a cute name there kid. I'm Raziel and that rhymes with Waziel.
Waziel: How can you talk if you have no wower jaw?
Raziel: How can you talk if you just hatched from an egg?
Waziel: Won of da gweat mystewies of wife, isn't it?
Raziel: Actually, it's unlife.
Waziel: Wait, if it's unwife, den how come I came from an egg? It's not natural.
Raziel: I like the way you think Widdle Waziel. How did you come from an egg?
EG: Oh trust me. You wouldn't want to know.
Waziel: Oh well, I gotta get going now and make friends with sluagh and meet gwandpa Kain. I wuv you Waziel.
Raziel: I love you too Widdle Waziel.
They hug each other. More aaaawwwws from the audience.
EG: I thought you loved me.
Raziel: Oh don't be ridiculous, why would I want to love a giant squid?
Eidolon: Aaaaaawwwwww! Isn't that sweet?
Waziel starts crawling over to his Gwandpa Kain somewhere in the audience when out of the blue, the mysterious hooded figure reappears. She grabs Widdle Waziel and drops another card and inexplicably vanishes. The card is signed Scraper Strikes Again. When Raziel sees this he vainly tries to pursue the kidnapper but she and Widdle Waziel disappear into thin air.
Raziel: Noooooooo! The poor soul. Waziel, I hardly knew you and now Kain will never know you as well.
Raziel is left moping about his lost son. Eidolon goes back to the Elder God.
Eidolon: Well Iggy, is there anything else you'd want to show us.
The Elder God presses the play dead button. Raziel grabs the Soul Reaver from Kain, in the audience, and impales himself. FLASH WARNING: UNLESS YOU ARE CAPABLE OF REVIVING YOURSELF, DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME! TRY IT AT SOMEONE ELSE'S HOME, OR IN SCHOOL, OR NEAR A HOSPITAL OR HERE AT NOSGOTH NETWORK IN FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE WHO WILL WATCH YOU STRUGGLE AS YOUR LIFE/UNLIFE PASSES BEFORE YOUR VERY EYES. Raziel gets sucked into the blade and vanishes.
Eidolon: You can bring him back right, since you are the center of the wheel of life and death, right?
EG: Of course.
The Elder God presses the rewind button and pauses it just before Raziel impales himself. Since Raziel is frozen, the mysterious hooded being known as Scraper materializes out of nowhere, snatches the Soul Reaver and evaporates, leaving behind her signature card saying: Scraper strikes yet again.
Kain: Noooooo! Not again!
Eidolon: Alright that does it. SECURITY! Next time that happens, nab that kleptomaniac fiend.
All of a sudden, the lights go out and when they come back on again, Iggy's Personal Raziel Remote Control is missing, along with Raziel. All that's left is a card saying: you guys are getting to be waaay toooo easy!
Eidolon: Oh well, we're out of time anyway so that about wraps up the show. Goodnight folks.
EG: Damn it, where's my Remote Control?
Kain: Where's my Soul Reaver? And my son? And my Grandson? And my son's cowl?
Eidolon: Well, there goes my career as a TV show hostess.
A/N: To those of you who don't know Scraper, she is a kleptomaniac who will steal anything and everything. I can only imagine what she'll do to Raziel and the Raziel Remote Control. Please, read and review. If you do that, I can make her sign a contract to avoid stealing your stuff.