Disclaimer: Why do I have to keep doing this!
Author's Notes: Hey! You guys get your very own Notes today! WOOT! Usually, I'll just repost here what I have from my other site, changing my name, but not today! Today I have a special announcement for you guys:
You're officially caught up.
That's right! You have every single chapter I've ever typed for this baby, so now you'll be waiting for a while for the next chapter! Don't forget to check out my other Gravi stories if you want! Also, I have a new one out My Thoughts Of You. Check it out, it's going to be a series of introspective ficlets from Gravi charries thinking on other Gravi charries! I'm hyper this morning...
READ!
Noriko's Story
Love.
That's all my life seems to wrap around lately. Who loves who, who dumped who, who cheated on who, who took back who. All in the name of love. Vile, four lettered profanity that it is. It means nothing really. It's just like any other word.
But thoughts like that make me wonder… Do we feel these things because we have words for them, or do we have words for these things because we feel them? A confusing question, doubtful in response, its answer based on opinion alone. I have none, because what does it matter? The cycles of Fate threw me my cards; the one for Love wasn't an Ace.
Someone, a dear friend of mine who I've fucked over so badly tonight, once said the most interesting thing. 'I would've let myself fall in love with him.' It's my firm belief that love is not something you control. You cannot pick and choose when and where and who you are to be in love with. But she explained it to me, and while I didn't fully understand her then, I think I finally do now.
Yay for me… it only took me a few years and some broken friendships, right?
But I'm tired now. I know I say it a lot. I'm tired of this, tired of that, but I never do anything. I'm tired of love though. Sick of it actually. We have these excuses and reasons for why we do what we do, how love is this mysterious, unexplainable thing. But it's not! Love is finding that one person you want to annoy for the rest of your life, that's all. Love is finding that one person you can stand for longer than a week. That's all love is. It's tolerance, not Fate or some bullshit like that. Love is bullshit. Love is a lie.
'Absence makes the heart grow fonder.'
Bullshit. Utter bullshit. If that person you 'love' left and didn't call, didn't write, you didn't even know if they were dead or alive, they didn't even tell you when they would come back, after a while, you'd get used to it. You be comfortable in never knowing when they'd return. And soon you go from that adage to 'Out of sight, out of mind.' Then, you start looking around, seeing everyone else… but your 'lover' isn't going to be home. What do you do?
What any normal human does when they finally realize this situation. When that deep down hurt that they left turns into haughty suspicion. That's what love is. A risk, a gamble, a bet. It a toss of the coin and it's up to you to control it. Keep everyone far away, use them when need be. Easy.
I'm twenty-nine-years-old now. I'm too old for all this teenage drama. I'm too old to keep caring about love when I should just do my duty as a wife and take care of my family. Ryuichi has the papers anyway, why should I be there? I have other things to worry about.
But… if I could get away, just leave him until all these feelings went away, only focused on the bad with a faint sense of humor and come back, able to face him and not have my heart skip a beat… my life might be so much better. If I didn't love him, everything would be better. He doesn't love me, but I knew that from the start, so that never deterred me from my true feelings. Maybe leaving him would. 'Time heals all wounds' and all that crap.
But, I'm there because that's what I choose. Because I'm an idiot being played by the concept of love. Because I would go to Hell and back for him, no matter what.
Because I'm in love.
When Angels Fall
The next day was just a bad continuation of the other night. Suffocating silence, dreading the months ahead. We would all be stuck on a bus and in hotel rooms together. Earlier on, we had demanded not to be separated, for anything really. They granted our request, odd though it was. So at every hotel there was only one room for us.
It was going to be a long tour.
I packed up clothes for the time we would spend that didn't involve the stage, smuggled in some liquor so we could celebrate privately. I was hopeful in thinking everything would be back to normal soon. There was no way those two would let this fight interfere with out biggest shot yet. Well, Tohma wouldn't anyway.
Ryuichi and I went over to Tohma's, so Ryuichi could pack up some of his stuff. Tohma was out, Ryuichi had a key, so we went in to pack. He made sure to pack extra Kumagoro's (I never realized he had so many!) and clothes and sunglasses, his usual stuff. He packed more than I did, but I didn't make any jokes about it. He was still very, very quiet. I checked Tohma's room and saw everything in neat order, a suitcase already packed and lying on the bed. On top was a box of candy and a note. I saw it was for Ryuichi and went back to hand the items to him.
Silently he packed the box of candy, and then went to the bathroom to pack up his toiletries. I skimmed the note. It was just reminding the singer what to pack, and I guess the candy was a small apology. We would be meeting the bus at five to take us to the first destination not too far away. We'd be playing the next night, then moving on to the next place. I was beginning to fear it happening.
Ryuichi and I busied ourselves until five rolled around and Tohma still hadn't returned to his place. I gave his cell a call.
"Hello, Seguchi here," his soft voice floated through.
"Tohma, it's nearly five, where are you?"
"Waiting for you two. I thought you would be bringing Ryuichi back to my place to pack, to I decided that I'd wait and you two would join, bringing my things along," he explained.
Oh… well, that made some sense. I think.
"Um… alright," I agreed, hanging up with him.
Was he trying to avoid Ryuichi for as long as humanly possible? Well, he had no choice but to face him now. I got up from the couch, shutting off the TV.
"C'mon, Ryu. Time to go," I announced. "Take your things to my car; I'll get Tohma's stuff."
They had BOTH packed more than I had, and lugging Tohma's suitcase was no picnic. Out the door, locking it, down the hallway, in the elevator, then to the car, trying to fit it in the back somewhere. Evil manual labor. But, I made it fit with a few good kicks and slammed the door, slipping in behind the wheel, turning on the car.
It wasn't a long drive, but by no means was it a short one. The maddening silence dragged on, making the trip seem unbearable. After what seemed like an eternity, we arrived at the private transport area where the bus was waiting along with Tohma. He walked over to the car as we stepped out, removing his things with a general greeting to both of us.
Ryuichi wordlessly grabbed his things as well, following a good few feet behind the blonde. What choice did I have? I followed suit and for once, I wasn't enjoying any of this. Those two usually got into little scuffles all the time and a little cajoling could bring them out of it. This seemed so much heavier.
Well, nothing short of this was to be expected when your boyfriend smacked your fiancée.
Actually, the way I saw it, this was a far lighter punishment then I would've administered. Then again… Tohma was always a bit intimidating when it came to things like this. Too silent to be comfortable, no one knew what he was thinking… or planning for that matter.
We loaded ourselves on to the large bus that would be our home for the months to come. Huge, to me, didn't even seem to describe it. It was really everything we'd ever need… on wheels. I dropped my stuff in an area that no one would mind or have it get in their way.
We settled in, me lounging on the couch, Ryuichi reclining on one of the bunk beds and Tohma in one of the booth seats around the small table. A few minutes of silence and the driver entered, checking we were all in, and started it up. We were on our way.
Our first stop would be a day away, so we were spending the night in the bus. We were trapped. It was torture the way things were going, no one making a sound, no one daring to move. An hour passed before, finally, someone made SOME sort of noise.
"I'm sorry, yes I am, for everything that I've done. How can I do this right, without you in my life. Even though I say I love you I've gotta make a change in my life, baby, I realize that you're better off without me by your side. You're a special lady and I know I'm not ready for you, oh," Ryuichi's voice started in a slow, drawn out tone. It was so quiet on the bus, his voice seemed magnified.
Tohma and I looked towards the bed, listening intently. His voice was smooth, easy flowing. We'd never heard this song before, and I was so shocked that Ryuichi could just burst into song like that.
"I'm sorry for, what I've done. I broke your heart, now we're apart. I'm sorry for, making you cry. I broke your heart, now I'm alone. I'm by myself."
Oh, jeeze… what a jab to Tohma.
"Tell me why, why I'm made my baby cry. I know our love you would wipe, should I put you through all of these changes. Never mind all those I said cause I, didn't mean a thing. I promised you, I only want you in my life, oh," his voice rang out sharply on the last word, once again showing us exactly how powerful it was.
I could almost feel the music we could be playing to this, hearing it faintly in the back of my mind. Never before had I had an urge to sing with Ryuichi. I knew I would pale in comparison, even if only backup, but even if it was just once during play, I wanted to. And I tried to stop myself, not to ruin Ryuichi's moment, but my mouth went off before my brain could stop it.
"I'm sorry for," Ryuichi sang.
"I'm so sorry babe," I sang softly after, eyes darting to see if I interrupted.
Tohma flicked his eyes towards me, and I think he actually was surprised. Maybe I sounded better since high school.
Ryuichi continued. "What I've done…"
"Everything I've done to you, oh," I threw in, eyes closing, trying to keep feeling the music.
"I broke your heart, now we're apart," Ryuichi's voice stayed strong, but sounded like it did when he started crying. Something heavy was in his voice.
"Now we're apart and I can't deal with it." My voice sounded so much different from his.
"I'm sorry for-"
I interrupted, with another line. "Oh, tell me anything-"
He finished his verse. "Making you cry"
"I can do to get you back," I finished mine.
"I broke your heart, now I'm alone. I'm by myself. Oh, it's hurts to move on, cause you're all I knew, but I must stay strong. I can't break down no more. Sometimes I sit and dream of you and me again, oh, you have no idea, oh, of how hurt I am that I ran away," Ryuichi was singing strongly, loudly. The emotions were dripping right off the words.
"The one thing I said," I sang, raising my voice just a little.
"I'm sorry for-," he drawled, voice quieting.
"Meant the world to me, oh"
Our voice did sound pretty okay together. Mine was throaty, a little husky. I didn't know if that sounded good or not. If not, I blamed the smoking. If it did, I don't blame the smoking. But, I was just having a bit more fun now.
"What I've done. I broke your heart!" he sang out strongly, sitting up slightly on the bed, as if forcing it out.
"I'm so hurt that I did my baby wrong," I threw in, shaking my head slightly.
"Now we're apart. I'm sorry for-"
"I'm so sorry now" I sang, my voice getting stronger.
"Making you cry"
"Oh," I drawled, trailing the note off.
"I broke your heart," his voice was quiet now, almost whispering.
"How could I be"
"Now I'm alone," Ryuichi's voice exploded on the last word, dragging it out. "I'm sorry for, what I've done. I broke your heart, now we're apart."
"For ever more," I sang softly in the background.
"I'm sorry for, making you cry."
"Making my baby cry, oh!" My voice carried through until he started again. He'd paused for dramatic effect.
"I broke your heart, now I'm alone," Ryuichi sang in a low tone.
"I don't think I'm going anywhere baby," I finished with finality in my voice.
Tohma was still sitting there in silence, and I feared maybe I had ruined Ryuichi's song. But the blonde looked at me and smiled. I sighed in relief inwardly. He thought I'd been okay.
Getting up, he sat next to Ryuichi on the small bed. Tohma turned, his back now facing me, as he coaxed Ryuichi to roll back over. There was quiet sniffling and soft murmured words, and then Tohma fell off the bed onto the floor as Ryuichi pounce, throwing his arms around Tohma's neck. They fell together laughing, and I smiled as I watched.
Things were going to be exactly as they should.
"Hey… uh, guys?" I asked, laying on my stomach to lean over a poke the wriggling mass that was my friends.
Tohma popped his head up. "Yes, Nori-chan?"
"You guys should take the… more secluded beds… in the back," I said, grinning. "But, uh… keep it down, would ya?"
"I'll see what I can do, Nori-chan," Tohma laughed.
"Seaweed!" Ryuichi whined. "No fair! I can't help but scream when it's, Tohma!"
Oh dear lord… I needed to know that right?
But, at this point, I was starting to regret our 'one for all, all for one' plans we had made. In every hotel, one room, though large, one bed. Looks like I'd be calling in for a cot. Fun.
Well, the important thing was, we were back to normal, and things just weren't going to be as bad as I had thought. And suddenly, I was glad to be on tour again. It felt like relief and tiredness from the stress just emptying out of my body.
Yeah, tour was going to be just as great as I had ever imagined.
Sooooo? What did you think? I know, it was a bit weird, but still! I think it moved the story along quite well. I'm debating between next chapter being Going through the WHOLE tour, or a reflection back on the whole tour, now... I GOT IT! NEVER MIND, I GOT IT! Oh, shit, gotta go!
SL