Disclaimer: Does anyone pay attention to these? HONK IF YOU'RE A MOOSE!
Author's Notes: Okay, sorry about the major shortness of the last chapter, but I now have a true timeframe to work by. It's sucks major ass also, because I finished the newest Harry Potter book and I'm deeply upset. The last time I cried over a book, was the seventh book in Stephen King's Dark Tower series, okay? So I am hurt! And my gramma quit smoking, so now that I'm outta cigs, I've got no one to bum off of, and seriously, I'm going crazy, dying for something to smoke. I was debating on how much it would kill my throat to try and smoke paper. But that burns too fast, y'know? Anyway, here's the next chapter, I have to cram a lot in. Um… and I guess that's it. WAIT! Actually, I have to announce this:
Anyone who liked reading 'The Other Side', my fic about Shu and Yuki switching lives? Remember? Well, I'm working on chapter three as well! So it should be out in few days. It's long, and I have to type it up from a non internet accessible PC, onto an internet accessible PC. So, YAY!
Alright, have fun!
Noriko's Story
It surprises me how much I would rather live in the Past, going through the most horrible moments, just for those few good ones. It's doesn't even out. It's not equal. I'm a fool. But I regret nothing. By hiding in the Past, I can avoid the Present, thus making little to no dent in the Future.
It would make so much sense if you could see it from my point of view. I'm struggling for the words to describe my exact thoughts. But how can anyone understand this?
Ah, there is always hope though. A brilliant ray of light shining through the darkness. Always after the darkest memories come some of the brightest. And sometimes, reliving the pain that some of these memories bring is worth the absolute elation of the good memories.
But sometimes… sometimes it's not…
And I wonder some days, what would today be like if I wasn't living in yesterday? Would the pain be any better or less than the pain of the Past?
Drowning Beneath The Surface
Married life blew major ass.
Here I was, still in my twenties, my second child on the way, married to a guy twice my age.
Yes, this was the perfect thing to celebrate. A perfect time for my mother to be flitting about, 'helping'. Oh, yes, helping! 'Helping' us find a house. 'Helping' us buy new furniture. 'Helping' us announce my pregnancy. And a slew of other things that she was just so 'helpful' with, I couldn't 'help' but shout my thanks at her.
She was driving me nuts!
We eventually would've found our own place together, and we didn't NEED to get new stuff! But my mother was insistent. I couldn't take her. I wanted to slam the door and lock it. And it would keep her out forever. And then winter would come, and she would still be screeching at the door, knee deep in snow, icicles hanging off her until her skin turned blue. And like in cartoons, you could here her slowly freeze over with that tightening sound effect, and there she would stay, a blue ice statue for all to see. Mouth hanging open, mid scream, arm raised in a clenched fist waiting to fall against the door.
And some people think I'm not imaginative.
I chalked up my sudden murderous streak up to the fact that I was pregnant and my body was out of whack (I knew better… but they didn't have to know that! I mean, hell, I was given a smile when I threw a glass and burst into tears! Pass that up? What am I? Stupid?). But when I had time to myself, I could never help but smile. I started to show earlier than usual; I'd been told I would show about a month earlier than I had with my last child. They weren't lying. In between month four and five, I started to show far more than I had before. And it made me happy. A hand would find its way to rest on the bulge that was becoming my child, and I would smile. I would sing softly to it and even talk to it about everything. It was nice having someone to talk to that wouldn't talk back, or judge. And then someone would breeze in and shatter my moment with my child.
In one way, I was absolutely thankful I was pregnant. Besides the ability to throw temper tantrums (biiiiiig plus) it gave me the inability to be intimate with my husband. Not for the fact that I didn't want to be (trust me… hormones were driving me fucking nuts!) but the awkwardness would've been too great. I mean, he knew how reluctant I had been. So, I was still a little upbeat about this pregnancy, if not the marriage.
This time around, I was aware of my pregnancy. The life living within me that I carried everywhere. And Gods did I FEEL it. With my first child, I was able to do everything like normal (if puking everyday is normal) and almost forgot I was pregnant. Until I had to sit down, or bend over… But this time… I was tired, cranky, moody. I had never looked uglier! Although my mother, father and recent husband denied that I looked any less beautiful than I had when I wasn't pregnant. I thought they were all daft and needed their eyes checked.
On the bright side, Tohma dragged Ryuichi along and came to visit me! I was nervous about introducing Ryuichi to my husband, but there was nothing more than a quick nod of his head, frown firmly in place. Tohma was ever the gentleman, conversing and chatting up Tetsuya to the fullest before I dragged them off for 'band time'. We settled down in the sitting room, and I served them tea, and made myself as comfortable as possible and sighed heavily.
"Nori-chan, how have you been?" Tohma asked earnestly, smiling at me.
I smiled back, patting my large stomach. "As well as one who pukes all the time can be."
We shared a laugh and he continued asking me pointless questions about me, and I answered them. But soon it was time for business.
"As you know," Tohma said, placing his cup on the table. "We had a tour planned in New York that is supposed to start within the next month."
I frowned. Was Tohma going to replace me?
"But I have taken the liberty of postponing it," he said.
I sighed in relief. Ryuichi looked slightly enraged.
"Instead, I've decided to have us go once you have given birth and you can come back to work. At your leisure of course." He gave me a smile.
"I'm so sorry Tohma," I said earnestly. "I just… jumped into things without thinking again."
"Nothing to be sorry for," he assured me. "We'll be fine with waiting."
"I just hope it's not too long," I said.
Ryuichi stood up, excusing himself to the bathroom and I said, giving a look to Tohma.
"What's eating him?" I asked, slightly angry with our singer.
The blonde looked thoughtful for a moment. "I'm not sure. Maybe the fact that we're married and he isn't. Who knows?"
Who knows? He knows. But if we push to hard, he breaks and cries. We don't want that now do we? We spoil him, and I wondered as I shut the door as they left, what would happen if he had to grow up?
It was a tiring few months after that. I kept getting bigger and bigger and more lethargic and, while everyone said I had a nice glow, I felt that I looked horribly pale.
"Must be a girl," my mother commented one day over the phone.
"Why do you say that?" I asked, not really interested.
"Well, they say when you're having a boy, the rest high and you have boundless energy. But a girl steals your beauty away. Something like that," she told me.
"Oh."
"Well, one week left, darling! Aren't you excited?"
Clearly… she was.
"Yes, of course. I'm bringing a new life into the world, blah, blah, blah," I sighed, taking a seat at the kitchen table.
What I wouldn't do for a cigarette right now.
"Noriko, I don't know why you're not excited," my mother sighed heavily.
Oh, I could give you a fucking list of reasons why, mother… it'd take you to next Christmas to get through reading.
"I'm just very worn out today, that's all mother."
"Ah! That's just your little girl getting everything she can from her mommy!"
Yes, yes, wonderful. Kids this, mommy that. Girl do's, boy don'ts. Pink, blue, toys, clothes…
I wanted to rip my hair out.
But I was all for the pain of delivery this time around. It just told me that everything was finally over and my life could go back to normal. I'd be able to play again and go on tour in the States…
With a kid.
Whenever I started daydreaming, it always ended 'with a kid'. Horrible! When my contractions started, I finally realized nothing was going back to normal when nothing was normal to begin with! I was fighting a losing battle with life. It was kicking my ass at every possible chance.
Everything was a blur of anger. Rush throughout the house, rush to the hospital, rush to a room.
Then the pictures are clear. The momentum slowed and I was stuck on my back on a small bed. While trying to take my mind off of… of, everything, I could take in the room. Not much to it. Bed, a machine beeping, window. Yeah… this was definitely awesome.
And just as I was starting to think again, about life, myself and so many other things, finally the blur of my delivery started again. A twisted pain, searing heat, sweat, raw vocal cords and overworked muscles. Twelve hours later and I was holding newborn Ukai Saki. A darling little girl (curse my mother for being right) who took delight in screaming her head off as I held her. Oh, Tetsuya took the most wonderful picture too! Me, looking like a drowned, half dead rat with a screaming blob of pinkish grey cradled in my arms.
Yeah. Wonderful.
I was being a selfish little bitch and demanded that Tohma and Ryuichi become godparents of our child. Tetsuya was fine with this, though there was chaos about it amongst our families. Tohma was delighted and more than happy to be named a godfather, not questioning me on my second choice… or how I was going to pull it off. Bah. Details. I was in for a shock though…
Ryuichi declined.
Rudely too, the little bastard. He told me point blank that he wanted nothing to do with my child. I had to respect his decision and offered Mika the position of godmother.
Our friendship suffered a little after that. Nothing could take away the hurt he'd caused, and nothing could stop him from being angry at whatever he was mad at. Tohma and Mika visited often, I took Saki into work… some days I thought it was just to piss Ryuichi off, and others because I wanted him to see what could've been. I was a sick and twisted woman, I knew it.
And the older Saki got, the more I realized that I was slowly losing myself in this mess I made of my life. I actually had a fucking family. I had people to cook for every morning (until Tet decided he was better equipped to do that), people to do laundry for, remind things of, plan parties for… This was not supposed to be my life! And as each year went by, I was sinking deeper and deeper, and drowning in a false marriage and choking on sickly sweet smiles.
And when Saki was two or three, I woke up in the middle of the night, calling Tohma. Eventually he picked up, and I was sorry for waking him, but that wasn't important.
"Tohma… we're doing the tour in New York. Can you make it happen?" I asked, not caring if my husband awoke to hear such things.
"Of…" a small yawn. "Of course I can, Nori-chan. Are you sure? Saki-chan is still quite young."
"Positive. I'll see you at work tomorrow," I told him, saying goodnight and hanging up.
I may have been drowning, but I sure as hell wasn't going to stay that way.
I think it's good cause I'm rushing! So there!
Review bitches!
SL