Lee: The necklace is the one Logan gave her for Christmas; it matches the ring that awaits her.

AN:

1. Too much to deal with regarding paralysis. Christopher Reeve's site definitely informed me a little too much. Used only a smidge of it. I was kinda happier just living in ignorance, entirely too much to think about.

2. Also had to throw in something else at the end that I wasn't planning on for the story because I just freakin realized it (I hate when that happens).

3. Who let me write an attempt at reality instead of something a little fluffier? This is so not as much fun as "Duck."

Chapter Nineteen

He wondered exactly how he got it all wrong.

Glasses off, face wet he stared into the mirror and wondered how he could have been so sure about something and have been wrong. Part of him wanted to blame Bling, everything had been going fine or at least he'd been able to happily live in denial up until his friend's visit today.

Today made yesterday seem like they had been the Waltons.

Today there were no questioning looks about something related to Will, no studying his features (even though she had kept trying not to), no mention of him whatsoever. She ignored him; she wasn't running out of the room, she just ignored him, though he did see her staring longingly at the keys for her Ninja.

He remembered back to a few days after she came home…

"We haven't been using anything," she said with her fork still upright in her pasta as she'd been preparing to take another bite.

He froze with his own fork in his mouth, he hadn't thought of that.

Then came the question he knew she'd ask, wondering if it had just been an oversight with everything going on or if he knew something she didn't, "Do we need to?"

The fork slowly lowered; any admission of being less than whole still slightly painful even after a year and so much happening, "Good question."

"You don't know?"

"Wasn't exactly applicable at the time, so it didn't make any sense-" he didn't bother finishing explaining just shook his head, "I'll call Sam tomorrow, make an appointment."

"I'll go with you," she said sensing his discomfort.

"I'm a big boy Max; I can go to the doctor's on my own."

She didn't push, the last thing she was going to do was push on anything related to this subject, she smiled trying to lighten the mood, "Well the good news is with so many doctors poking and prodding, I know we're fine," she smiled hoping to mask the fear that she was somehow off with the dates.

"We're probably fine in general Max," he said thinking back to one of Sam's various lecture topics that he'd been bombarded with in those early weeks.

Two Days Later (Carr's office):

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat waiting for Sam to come reveal his test results. He remembered back over a decade earlier, the fear of getting a girlfriend pregnant, now he was sitting here in fear he wouldn't be able to. Not that it mattered, he knew it didn't matter, or at least the logical part of his mind kept trying to reassure him of that.

God kids, he'd never wanted kids. Not even when he was married to Valerie, the subject of kids was more of dread and duty. So many years living in fear of an accident, a condom breaking, which was funny since every health teacher swore that it didn't happen, yet it had and to quite a few of his friends, of course they explained that to be haste and in the dark. Point was he'd had a heart attack of what could lay ahead or the rare girlfriend who would actually share the information that she was late when they'd done everything by the book…God so many years of praying he wouldn't get anyone pregnant…

Yet when she'd said it…

He realized suddenly he wanted that, he wanted to see Max the mother. He wanted to see Max pregnant; suddenly the once incredibly unappealing form of a pregnant female was undeniably sexy or at least hers was.

He snapped back to attention as the door opened signaling Sam's entrance, " Logan."

He turned, "Sam, good to see you."

"How did everything go yesterday?"

Yesterday as in the tests whose results were now in Carr's hand, "Good," Logan said trying not to squirm in his seat, not show his embarrassment, shame, he looked straight ahead at Carr acting as if the results wouldn't affect him in the slightest. Of course the single fact that Sam was the one telling him the results instead of the specialist proved he was more than a little uncomfortable.

"So I'm assuming these tests mean there's someone in your life?"

Why did he have to have the doctor who didn't know the doctor/friend line?

"A certain stunning brunette?"

"The results Sam," he said looking dead ahead.

Sam smirked a little at Logan's response; he opened the file and looked down to refresh his memory, "The results look promising Logan."

"Meaning?" he refused to get his hopes up.

"Meaning that given enough time you and," he looked at Logan waiting to see if he'd reveal if Max was the reason that he was here, "you and whomever you choose to be involved with will probably be able to conceive a child naturally. There are no guarantees though, but given opportune conditions there's a good chance you'll conceive. To maximize chances though intrauterine insemination or arti-"

Logan raised a hand and cut off his friend, "I got it."

"Yes well that or IVF-"

Another hand raised, it was more than just embarrassment, he didn't want to do that to Max, he wouldn't do that to Max, IVF would be almost exactly similar with just one more step than they had forced upon her in Manticore, he was pretty sure the other option was similarly unpleasant. "You said the word naturally," he referred his doctor back to the topic he wanted to discuss.

"Well yes, but-"

"Is that my file?" he asked looking across the desk, Sam always gave him a full copy of his chart.

He shook his head and closed the file, handing it across to Logan, "There's no timetable for this Logan; it could happen the first time circumstances are right or it could never happen. We really should discuss this further."

He wanted out, it was as simple as that, he stood, "When the time comes for that I'll come back, I swear."

"So this is about prevention," he probed further waiting for Logan to disclose he was indeed involved with the girl who had saved his life and whose name was on his lips as he awoke.

"Yes Sam, it's about prevention," Logan said finally giving up that much information, feeling like a kid being talked to by his dad.

"In that case use it, quickest way to get someone pregnant is to think you can't."

Logan smiled at that and waved the file walking out of the room, "Bye Sam."

"Tell Max I said hi," he called out as the door opened.

He leaned over and splashed his face again hoping to wipe away the memories and what was going on now.

She read the file as he was on the phone, she'd walked in to find him occupied and she'd taken it upon herself to read the news instead of force him to say it aloud.

"Hoping you stopped at a drugstore," she said with the slightest hint of smile upon her lips as he hung up the phone.

"I did," he nodded.

She smiled slightly brighter, "So one day, if we wanted to…"

"It's a possibility," he said simply, "not a guarantee though."

She sensed his discomfort once again, his feelings of inadequacies, "So did I ever tell you what I found out about heat?"

His head tilted for this.

"Fifty nine percent."

He continued to look waiting for more of an answer.

"Something about more eggs, better conditions, I don't really know, but it takes it from twenty percent to fifty nine."

He smiled for that, "Good thing you're an overachiever."

"Don't let Normal hear you say that…Might actually expect me to work." She said hopping off the table.

It wasn't even just that he assumed from that, that one day she'd want kids; she'd said it aloud on a few different occasions. One day either from an accident or Max thinking she was ready, they would have a child. How would she be able to look down at that child and not remember this one?

God he remembered once upon a time when she'd searched so desperately for her mother…But that was another subject she didn't talk about anymore. Claiming it no longer mattered.

He was so worried about what would happen, what the future would hold for them, for Will…Chances were this would ruin her relationship with Krit and Syl as she'd continue to distance herself from the baby.

He should just tell her, get this all over with. Tell her Krit and Syl would take him. There'd be no going back once he did that though and he couldn't bring himself to do it yet. He pulled off the towel and dried his face before moving into the bedroom and ready himself for bed.

-o-o-o-

She couldn't fall asleep tonight. The baby seemed to be breathing louder than normal; there had been something just slightly off with Logan in the hours before they'd gone to bed. She didn't know what, just off.

She heard the baby wake; the difference in breathing alerted her to this fact. Sitting up, careful not to disturb Logan she looked over him and sure enough the baby's eyelids were on and off in opening.

"It's just a kid," she softly and under her breath as she moved to stand and take him from the room before he deprived Logan of anymore much needed sleep. She turned back to check on Logan as she shut the door, making sure he continued to sleep on.

The baby still hadn't completely stirred by the time she positioned the bassinet over by the couch. She suddenly remembered back to a talk she'd had with the doctor as he was checking he vitals and taking blood as she'd been on the hormones.

"You know you're lucky you're not in heat," he said as he finished pulling out the long needle.

Her ears had perked up at heat, "Why?"

"That many hormones in your system," he shook his head, "it's not a pretty sight. 25 eggs though from the one we had it happen to, she had to be physically restrained when the time actually came."

"So heat's really heat?" she asked, she couldn't help herself.

"You're lucky you didn't find out the hard way, rumor has it there are at least four offspring of the escaped '09ers. During normal ovulation, a woman has about a 20 percent chance of conceiving, it's about fifty nine in X5's during heat."

The hormones almost hit her in that moment, the thought of how stupid she'd been. Sleeping with Rafer, not going to Logan. She could be pregnant with his baby now, if she just hadn't been so stupid and blind. Of course they'd probably have just gotten rid of it or tried to use it as they'd wanted to use Case.

She looked down at Will who was suddenly looking up at her with blue eyes. The baby she'd imagined and wanted so desperately in those few seconds would have only been weeks older than him.

She forced her mind to focus again, remember why she'd taken him outside. He'd eaten almost three and a half hours ago, he would be crying for a bottle soon. So she did as Logan, flipped the little button and set the crib to vibrate.

She returned with the warmed up bottle to the baby who was still quiet, "Just a baby," she repeated. She'd held dozens of babies in her time; she'd fed them, cooed to them, and rocked them. This wasn't any different. She tried to think about the girl who shot her, the one who'd tried to kill Logan, tried to convince herself this was no different.

It was though as much as she tried to convince herself otherwise. You only had a set number of eggs; the shots just caused more to be released. Part of what had created him…

She shook her head, stopped her thoughts and stepped back to put the bottle on the table. 'Come on Max,' she silently ordered herself; it wasn't as if she hadn't touched him before. Okay it was a covered foot, but still…

She leaned down and awkwardly lifted him into his arms as she saw the face that had been preceding his crying or at least his hunger/lonely crying. His diaper, yea that wasn't a pleasant cry, if any of them could be described that way.

She was once more struck by his vulnerability, his frailty, like the little kitten Syl had rescued a few months back. The baby seemed to be picking up on her nerves, the tense way she was holding him, not molding him to her body as Logan would.

She tried to bounce him a little, and repeatedly said "Shh," as she did so not wanting to wake Logan and a full out scream would probably do that even despite the fact that he was exhausted.

She nervously picked up the bottle and moved over the couch sitting with him tilted in her arms.

His sudden state of confusion being with a stranger, who didn't seem to like him very much didn't pan out too well for Max who tried to bring the bottle to his lips, but he no longer seemed interested.

"Look please, I know I'm not Logan, just bear with me for now. Otherwise he's gonna be so tired tomorrow he's gonna drop you on your head." She tried to joke with him and found out it didn't work.

She traced a finger along his cheek as she held the bottle remembering how his head had turned for Logan as he'd done that and doing so she touched his soft skin for the first time. It seemed to calm him as he turned, seeking it out and he tried to nurse from her finger, and she replaced her index finger with the bottle the baby now accepted.

She watched him for only a few seconds, saw his little mouth working hard, the lips pressed around the nipple. She held her breath and closed her eyes as she raised her head back up, she stared straight ahead, suddenly unable to look at him any longer. She couldn't escape him though, the slight weight in her arms, his slightly shifting form, the sucking noises that had filled the room, replacing its silence.

-o-o-o-

She finally laid the sleeping baby back into the crib and returned to the couch, her eyes lingered on the bassinet for a moment before turning to stare straight ahead. Suddenly thinking of Lydecker, trying to figure out his actions, a memory returned to her from months ago as she argued with Logan over trusting Lydecker with Brin.

"453 Max," he said firmly as he turned from opening the fridge to start dinner.

"Okay what the hell is that supposed to mean, should I be happy he could kill one of us without a second thought? She's my sister Logan, I don't trust him." The person who was starting to emerge from the brainwashing wasn't the sister she'd left on the bench.

"Rachel Glasser, the Steinlitz?"

Her eyes widened and he realized she hadn't come to the realization it had only taken him a few hours to reach after meeting 453. "He knew who I was," she said softly.

He nodded.

"What the hell game is he playing?"

"I have no idea Max," he admitted honestly.

"Why? He hunted me and…" and he'd just talked to her as if she was an average person. Made comments about a childhood he knew damn well she'd never had. The sketch instead of the picture could be explained, don't want a trained killer to be easily recognized, anonymity was 453's best weapon.

"I don't know Max, I've got to say I always found it a little funny that in 11 years he'd only managed to recapture two of you and that was because they both turned themselves in and Zack…"

She nodded and suddenly wondered if it had been more than just a tactical risk or if he'd given Zack a chance to escape.

"I don't think Lydecker ever had the same plans for you guys that Manticore did."

"What does he want?"

"I have no idea Max, all I know is he's kept his word."

"So we just trust the psychopath blindly?"

"We watch him Max, but we need him, as much as I wish we didn't, we need him."

He'd proven himself yet again, she thought as she looked over to the bassinet. She couldn't understand his actions anymore. Before it had been easy, hunter, hunted, before that soldier and Colonel. Now though…

"The Steinlitz," she said angrily approaching him. All Logan had said he'd ever gotten from him was the answer of curiosity.

"You can't have just figured that out Max," he said in that calm even voice of him. "Honestly, I was sure sending you into the lab; you would have figured it out. 453 was what 10-11 weeks ago?"

"Why didn't you send a unit straight away to get me?"

"How do you know they weren't on their way Max? Maybe I was just talking to you to keep my eye on you."

"Were you?" she expected to feel relieved; she wanted to just take that as the answer, yet…

"Do you know Zane was adopted?" he said out of the blue, she just looked at him. "Not legally, but he made it to DanforthTexas, got taken in by a nice family, really nice actually. The mom made a great apple pie. September 19th 2015 there was a fire at the town library, small place was once a house, climbed a tree, jumped ten feet across to smash through the window because there was someone trapped. He could have done what everyone else was doing, watching from the sidelines, waiting for help to arrive. He didn't. He knew we would come and we did. Two parents, two older sisters, a younger brother, 3 dogs, a rabbit, he even had a girlfriend. He gave it up; they said he didn't even hesitate."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It's curious. You were created to keep this country safe." He just stopped there, didn't go on. Didn't say anything about them fulfilling their destinies, just stopped.

"I saved your life," she said and was suddenly aware she sounded like a little whiney kid.

"I assumed you had," he nodded.

"No lectures about not exploiting tactical advantage over the enemy?" she goaded.

He turned for that, "I would, but I'm not your enemy."

She groaned softly wishing she could banish all thought from her mind. She turned and snagged the blanket off the back of the couch and wrapped it around her hoping she could manage to get some sleep without Logan's warm presence next to her, but she didn't want to go in and risk waking him, only to risk waking him again in a few hours with the baby. She just wanted an eraser, some pill she could take to forget everything, if only for a little while.

-o-o-o-

He awoke confused, his eyes didn't bother opening fully as he struggled to realize why he was awake when he was still so obviously tired. Max wasn't next to him, that wasn't surprising, the baby wasn…His eyes shot open and darted to where the bassinet should be, where it wasn't.

He suddenly realized that through the door he could hear soft 'shhh's' and murmurs of reassurance. He looked over at the clock 4am, he'd been asleep for five hours, the longest he'd slept in days.

Max was with the baby, she was trying to comfort Will. She wasn't just tolerating his presence, she was dealing with it.

He wanted to go and check on her, but he knew he couldn't without alerting her to his presence and breaking whatever moment was going on out there.

So instead he just smiled with his head against the pillow and let sleep claim him again.