House Party—Jeeves saves the day.
In the intervening week or so Jeeves proved himself an invaluable addition to my small household. My wardrobe was overhauled, my belongings rearranged or replaced and my life settled into a comforting routine. Where my house had formerly seemed cold, dark and unwelcoming, it was now warm, bright and comfortable. I enjoyed knowing that Jeeves hovered about, anticipating my whims and fulfilling them wordlessly. I was clothed, fed and cared for. It gave me time to think.
The day before our departure for the Hamptons, Jeeves was laying out my attire for the weekend. It was a three-hour drive from Princeton and we expected fair weather for the trip. Normally, I would have just stuffed some jeans in a duffel, but Jeeves had somehow obtained intelligence that this was to be an old-fashioned house party and had some notion of getting me up in no fewer than nine outfits for a 48-hour period.
I lounged on a new leather divan in my bedroom and watched as he wrapped everything in tissue paper for our trip.
"So where did these suitcases come from?" I referred to the tan leather which had been oiled to a sheen.
"These belonged to the late Mr. Wooster, it's been a quite a while since they've been pressed into use, but I believe that they still have many years of service in them." He put a stack of shirts into a Gladstone bag. When it was all done, I had three cases, binoculars and a portable bar (mostly because I thought it was incredibly cool.) I also had three of my grandfather's walking sticks; one of rosewood, one of bamboo and one of ebony for evenings.
By some miracle it all fit into the trunk of my car and we managed to make good time to Southampton. I arrived just as some of the other dignitaries pulled up. Vogler stood at the top of some stairs of a newish (and garish) estate house. Some might have referred to it as a McMansion for its dreadful mix of styles and obvious lack of historical relevance. Personally, I thought it gave the McMansion a bad name. I also did not appreciate having to mount such a large number of stairs.
I got out of the car and Jeeves pulled it around to the back of the house to arrange for the disgorging of our worldly possessions. I admit, Jeeves had dressed me perfectly for the occasion. The other guests were milling about in khakis and golf shirts looking like their wives had attired them in Garanimals. I wore light wool slacks, and my grandfather's made-over Magdalen jacket. The Chuck Taylors went perfectly with the outfit and gave it a 'go to hell' attitude in a very old money way. I don't think that Vogler got the joke.
When I finally got to the entry hall a maid was handing glasses of champagne around as though we were arriving on a cruise ship. Our host made his way over to me. "House! Glad you could make it. Come in, meet some of my friends." He was acting as if he was thrilled to number me among his denizens. My suspicion was immediately aroused. Cuddy sipped the champagne and smiled as she glad-handed a golf-shirted nimrod. I half expected him to be wearing his spikes. Chase and Foreman stood speaking to each other in the corner. I avoided their gaze. I spent the rest of time searching for a friendly face. Wilson was not due to arrive until the following day owing to a 'family emergency.' Luckily I found the library and was able to peruse an interesting volume while waiting for the dinner gong. Jeeves floated in as I was putting the book away.
"Sir, I regret to inform you that there has been some mix-up in our accommodation." He communicated this in a very low and serious tone.
"Don't they have a room for you? I thought we called ahead…" I knew the Vogler was going to screw me over somehow.
"It's not that. I have been ensconced along with the staff over the garage. There is a young lady in our room." He seemed positively put out.
"Jeeves, I'm sure that it's a mistake, let's go up and see what we can make of the situation." I had to navigate a large, spiraling staircase and was led into a room that was interior decorated within an inch of its life. It looked like a hotel room, rather than a room in someone's private home. Sitting on the edge of the bed, quite forlorn, was Cameron.
"Oh, it's you. I thought it was one of those bigwigs." She heaved a sigh of relief.
"Jeeves, I'd like to introduce you to Dr. Cameron. Dr. Cameron, this is my valet, Jeeves." I made the introductions.
"Very pleased to make your acquaintance madam. Do not trouble yourself; I will endeavor to arrange more suitable accommodation. In the meantime, I understand that they were serving wine downstairs. Perhaps Dr. House would find it more agreeable to have a more…appropriate cocktail?" He opened up my traveling bar and in two ticks had managed to set us up with a bracing scotch. He then oiled out, presumably to whip up a new wing of the house.
Cameron and I sat there quietly nursing our drinks when Vogler popped in. "Hello, I've just heard that there's been some sort of problem with your room." He looked around as if to see in what manner the room had been damaged.
"Yes. It seems that both Dr. House and I are meant to share." Cameron stated. I wish she hadn't as I had a sudden thought about how this was going to turn out.
"Certainly. I'm no prude." He smiled at me and nearly winked.
I stood up. I don't know if it was the fact that this man had been bullying me for weeks, or if it was merely his insufferable self, but I was getting tired of being pushed around. "I think you're mistaken." Further explanation would have lent credence to his assertion.
"Am I? Well, I'm a bit short on space at the moment, and I hope you won't find it awkward, but if you wouldn't mind…" He nearly finished his thought when Jeeves reappeared. He cleared his throat and waited. "Who's this?" Vogler asked.
"Mr. Vogler, this is my man Jeeves. Jeeves, this is our gracious host, Mr. Vogler." I sat down. Vogler was on his own.
"Very good, sir." He nodded at Vogler, "I believe we have been able to accommodate you in the pool house. Mrs. Wellington has kindly offered to have one of the maids make it up for you. I shall just relocate your bags to that vicinity." He moved to get the luggage.
"All's well, that end's well, right Vogler? I'm off again. Jeeves go ahead with the bags; it'll take me some time to navigate those stairs." I sat down and proceeded to finish my drink.
Vogler, seeing that he was superfluous, made himself scarce.
Cameron had watched the small pageant with wide eyes. As the door closed behind our host she giggled with relief. "I like Jeeves. Did you see Vogler's face? That was great."
"Jeeves is amazing. Well, it's time for me to toddle off now. We're changing for dinner."
After a short expedition I was able to locate the pool house. Far from the cabana I had expected, it was a villa with a sofa, refreshment center, television and bathroom. The furnishings were gaudy in their use of bright colors and accented with pieces designed to look like sheaves of bleached bamboo topped with glass. Bloody awful. I found Jeeves hanging up my things in a makeshift closet.
I flopped on the overstuffed sofa that I assumed would be my bed. "Hey, this isn't so bad. At least I won't be climbing Mt. Everest all day long." I twirled my cane contentedly. "You handled that situation beautifully. Could have been dashed awkward."
"I trust that the young lady is well situated?" Jeeves asked as he checked the crease in my dinner suit.
"I suppose. So what will it be this evening? White sport coat? Pink Carnation?" I began to whistle the tune.
"Yes sir." He draped a black bowtie around the hanger with my shirt, "I think the onyx studs this evening." He opened a case and began to insert them into the shirt.
"Oh Jeeves, how about a pink tie instead of the black?" I thought I'd try to get into the spirit of the thing.
"I think not sir. Black tie is much more suitable for evening." He got out my shoes and gave them a brisk rub down.
"But pink is the latest color. Donald Trump often wears a pink tie." I explained.
"Exactly sir." He paused politely for me to get the point.
"Ah. Black it is then. I guess the sun has dipped over the yardarm." With Jeeves's help I was dressed and looking like James Bond's second cousin.
When I arrived back at the main house the cocktail hour was in full swing. A jazz combo had set up shop in the corner and was playing the sort of music so innocuous that you'd almost believe that you were in a dentist's office. I was finding all of this entertainment exhausting and tried to locate a chair in a corner where I might relax and unwind.
A liveried servant, or perhaps it was just a college kid trying to make a few spare bucks, proffered a tray with the sort of canapés that are more art than food. I waved him on, preferring to wait for dinner to ruin my appetite.
Cameron stood in a corner worrying her thumbnail. She seemed ill at ease. A few of the men smiled politely at her, but she didn't encourage them to actually stop and speak to her. I caught her eye and she wandered over.
"So how's the pool house?" She held the remnants of a fois gras puff in her hand.
"Comfortable enough. He's got a plasma TV in there, what do you bet he doesn't have cable?"
She rolled her eyes. "This house is so unwelcoming. Why do I have to be here? I'm leaving next week." She waved off another uniformed waiter trying to foist off more of the champagne.
"Ah, but if you weren't here then Vogler wouldn't be able to try to throw us together in compromising positions." I enlightened her. "Besides, I'm glad I have the opportunity to try and change your mind."
She huffed. Funny how I manage to choose women who huff. It must say something about my psychology. She sat down in the chair next to mine. "How can we play with his head?"
"Pardon?" I was beginning to feel the effects of a scotch and Vicodin cocktail. Quite a nice buzz actually.
"I'm tired of his manipulating us and making us miserable. I want to mess with him for a change. Besides, I'm leaving anyway so I don't really care right now what he thinks of me." Her eyes flashed when she spoke, I believe that there was an honest hatred there. It increased my respect for her.
Just as she leaned in to emphasize her point, Vogler rolled up on us. "Good evening Dr. House, Dr. Cameron. How are you enjoying the party?"
Cameron smiled at him, "Fine, thank you."
"House, nice tuxedo. Armani?" Trust Vogler to figure out a way to be vulgar in so few words.
"No. Mine." There's nothing quite like that buzz.
"Huh." It was a cross between a laugh and a challenge. "Well, enjoy yourself." He oozed away.
Cameron picked at the top layer of her dress. "I'm so bored."
"You should drink something." I stared at the ceiling. I half expected to find a cherub smiling down on me. Luckily it was only gilded plaster.
"Come on. Let's see if we can't scare up some excitement." She grabbed my arm and I found myself walking behind her as she made for a large patch of lawn just beyond the flagstone patio.
It was one of those breezy summer evenings you get off the shore. Cameron was wearing something diaphanous and it wafted around her ankles. She had kicked off her sandals and was carrying them by their straps. "This grass feels like velvet." She twirled around. For just a moment I felt like Nick Carraway. As she capered on the lawn, reveling in the sensations of a summer evening, I reflected on our situation with Vogler.
There are things one doesn't like to admit. Vogler inspired in me a healthy contempt. More than just disagreeing with the man, I sincerely loathed him. I actually wished him harm. While I don't like the public in general, and I have been described as misanthropic, it's a rare bird that inspires such hatred. Vogler was that rare bird.
What I most despised about him was his desire to dominate me. Vogler, plain and simple, was a bully. I don't know if it's because he was picked on as a child, although I don't know how he could have avoided it, but the man was massively insecure. The sort who would own a helicopter just to impress girls.
I'm a stubborn ass. Even my mother says so. When confronted with this infantile behavior, rather than rise above the fray, so to speak, I get right down in it. So Vogler and I had been escalating our hostilities and were up to DEFCON 2. When Cameron informed me of her intention to find other employment I momentarily went to DEFCON 1, but upon greater consideration I thought that the collateral damage would be too costly. Saner heads prevailed.
The entire time I was under Vogler's Mansard roof I felt that I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. At this point in my life I've been intimidated by all sorts. Administrators, department heads, the lady in the cafeteria who scrambles the eggs in the morning. All have tried to get the best of me, and most have failed. (The egg lady being the notable exception.) I knew that retribution for the conference was on the agenda. I just didn't know when. Sometimes it's not the blow, but the anticipation of it, that is the worry.
I tried to put it out of my mind as I watched Cameron dance about. There is something quite winsome about the girl and frankly she inspired in me a protective feeling. I try not to think about her romantically. She has a history of adopting wounded birds that I find troubling. Besides, I really don't see a lovely young woman like her attaching herself to a broken-down wreck of a man like me. Not for long at any rate.
Cameron paused on the edge of the lawn which tapered into a stone retaining wall. A gust of wind kicked up and caused her gown to billow up. Nice legs. I pushed the thought from my mind. "Come on! It feels great!" She called to me. I waved but stayed put on the patio.
A shadow fell over me and I could feel Vogler breathing down my neck. "Are you sure I was mistaken?"
I pushed down the anger and thought about WWJD, What Would Jeeves Do? I turned to him and backed up to get a bit of personal space back. "Mistaken? Certainly. About almost everything." I turned my attention back to Cameron who noticed that I was no longer alone and had gathered her dress about her to walk slowly back across the grass. I don't think that Jeeves would have thrown in the last remark, but hey, I'm not Jeeves.
"House, I know we have our differences, but I was hoping that we could come to a…rapprochement. I admire your work, even if I don't admire your methods. Is it so hard for you to meet me half-way on this? Throw me a bone?" He gave me an expression that would be entirely appropriate on a St. Bernard; doleful in its aspect. It made me shudder.
In my experience your enemies will lull you into a sense of complacency before thrusting the knife in your back. Instinctively I moved backwards a step. I could see Cameron hovering at the edge of our conversation, just in time to hear the last parts of it. "Vogler, frankly I don't see how it can be accomplished. We are just too different. While it is a seemingly large place, I don't think that the hospital is big enough for the both of us. Additionally, a big fellow like you wouldn't be satisfied with just one bone; you'd need a whole skeleton. I don't know that I can afford you." I moved as though to go back into the house, he blocked my way.
"I tried being reasonable. But to continue your metaphor, I am the big dog. And I don't think you're up to running with me." He glowered at me. I'm beginning to think that no one has ever said no to him.
"Oh, make fun of the cripple. Nice. Are you this polite to all of your guests?" I tried to push past him, but he eclipsed the door.
He smiled most insincerely, "Dr. House, I really do think that you ought to give considerable thought to my…request." He nodded at Cameron and hulked back into the house.
"And your little dog too? Sheesh. You're right, he'll never be satisfied." Cameron stood quietly at my elbow. "I'm glad I'm leaving. You know what would be great? If we just packed up and went home." She was angry enough for the both of us.
"No, let's not do anything rash. If we stick around we might find his secret stash of porn. What do you suppose he fancies? I think he likes to be dressed up like a baby." We followed the crowd as they slowly made their way into dinner.
Cameron laughed, "definitely an enema fixation."
Dinner was a twelve course ordeal. The menu was selected to showcase a series of expensive and sub-par wines. Finally, after a long and trying day, I was allowed to return to my room. The sofa had converted into a bed and Jeeves had left the remote where I could reach it. I ended the evening watching Adult Swim.