As Jett and I raced through the chilly night air painful reality started to
fight its way through my rage. Even with a horse as swift as Jett, the
murderous vandals had too much of a head start. I didn't even know which
way they fled, and if I found them, I had no way to fight them. My
determination to strike out was now replaced with an overwhelming sense of
hopelessness. Yet, I pressed Jett on, not wanting to go back. I looked
around and realized that we were flying through the prairie fields that we
had enjoyed every morning for the past few years. It was peaceful as
always, but instead of comforting me with its silence, it seemed to magnify
how alone I was.
Exhausted, I surrendered control to Jett, tossing aside the dangers of not paying attention while I rode, burying my face in his warm mane. He trotted along the rolling hills for a while; his slow rocking rhythm began to put me at a state of ease. I slipped into the place between being asleep and awake hoping to find some peace in my dreams. But this did not last. I felt the difference in his rhythm as soon as his hooves met packed earth instead of prairie grass and my ears were once again assaulted with the low roar of a massive fire. Rising up from Jett's dark lock's I found myself looking at another pile of rubble. In front of the blaze stood three silhouettes, staring into the flames. But there were no screams at this scene, no fast whirling terror, this time it seemed to happen in slow motion as I trotted towards my three brothers, standing before what used to be our barn. Jett became jittery as we came close to his burning home, so I slipped from his back and with leaden footsteps drew closer to the fire.
Cole must've heard me approaching because he turned to look at me, slowly, just like everything else. He stared at me, unmoving, with silent tears rolling down his strong face. What could I do? I had already screamed and cried enough tonight, I couldn't express my sorrow anymore. I tried to reach my brother but the pain of all that night's events finally took me over completely and with a flood of darkness the ground rushed up to meet me.
* * * * * * *
My eyes fluttered open to reveal the hazy image of our sitting room. I groaned and tried to rub out the pain behind my eyes, and as I did, I heard voices above me.
"Hey, I think she's waking up."
"Yeah, she looks a little flustered; let her come to a little more before we tell her anything."
I blinked fast trying to clear up my eyesight; it helped a little. While my senses began to calm themselves, the mass of shapeless color from before had faded into the familiar forms of people and objects. I could see now that Cole was standing near the fireplace, while Jim sat on the sofa's arm, above where I was lying, and Bob was in an armchair by my feet. Jesse and Frank were also in the room, leaning up against opposite sides of the doorway.
"Hey, how are you?" asked Jim in a hushed voice.
"I'm fine," I said. I tried to raise myself to a sitting position but the dull throb in my skull seared into a blinding flash of pain as I moved and I quickly resumed my position laying down, massaging my head.
"Guess you're not fine, huh?" he said and placed a cool, damp rag on my head. "You had a pretty nasty collision with the ground so if all you've got is a headache, consider yourself lucky."
I smiled weakly at his attempt to make light of the situation, but as my adjusting eyes wandered, I was more concerned with Jesse. He refused to meet my gaze but I could see that his dark eyes were bright from crying and had seemed to turn the color of gunmetal. I wanted to run over to him, but his rigid demeanor and my aching head kept me rooted to the couch. Instead, I directed my gaze to Cole.
"So what did you want to tell me?" I asked him. He eyes widened apparently not realizing I had heard him earlier. At a loss for words he glanced at Bob, and then Frank, and then settled his eyes on the floor. I didn't like this response and quickly looked up at my twin and grabbed his hand.
"Jim?" I said cautiously. He squeezed my hand and returned my gaze with sad, pleading eyes. My heart leapt as my eyes read his, and I knew he was leaving me.
"Why?" I managed to breathe out between clenched teeth.
"We have to go after them. We can't let such horrible actions go unpunished, if we don't stop them, other families will suffer like ours." He explained it bluntly; his voice maintained a control that his eyes betrayed. I could see the fear and anger he felt, and knew there was no way to dissuade them.
"I want to go with you," I said back with the same cold control that Jim had used.
"No." came the quick, stern response of both Cole and Jesse. I understood Cole's objection, but with flaring indignation I turned to Jesse surprised by his answer. After all hadn't he just confessed he was attracted my strength and now he was batting me down?
"And why shouldn't I?" I asked while boring holes into Jesse with my eyes. He was looking at me now, with a closed expression that made me even angrier. "I was injured by these acts just as much as all of you; I want revenge just as much!"
I stood, ignoring the throbbing of my head and slowly began to advance upon Jesse. It was his objection that stung the most; his hypocrisy cut me to the core.
"You think that just because I am a girl I can't fight?"
"No," he said, softer than before, but with the same intensity. "I think that because you are a girl you will fight, but with your heart not your head. Your pain will drive you, not logic. And all that pain will do is get you killed." There was no hint of tenderness in his words; his detachment from the pain had detached him from me as well. I could feel hot tears well up again, but I bit them back furiously and kept my voice rigid as I responded.
"Oh, you're wrong; I can close my heart, just watch." And with that, I turned from him to face the rest of the room. I was surprised to see the rest of the boys still in there. In my moment of anger, I had forgotten about their presence. They had all watched the exchange between Jesse and I, and all had looks of mingled surprise and confusion over what we had said. Cole decided not to pry at this point but instead continued to set his foot down about my staying put.
"Jaime, really, this is going to be dangerous, we're out to destroy these bastards, and to do so we'll have to do some drastic things. That means long hard rides, hiding out; camping for nights on end, possible fights and Lord knows what else. We can't be doing all that and worrying about watching over you as well."
"Watching over me!?" I exclaimed my voice rising in frustration. "I'm not new to any of that Cole Younger! I risked everything right along with everybody in this room to save you from swinging and did a damn fine job. I was just as good as you and you know it, at least I've never gotten caught!"
"That's enough!" he said and slammed his hand down on the mantel. A tense silence hung in the air, Cole eyes were glinting with rage, and his jaw was clenched tight. I was shaking, partly from anger and partly from fear.
"I don't want to hear anymore about it," Cole whispered tensely. I dropped my eyes to the floor knowing not to talk back when he was this mad, and not wanting him to see the tears that were coming. "You are going to stay with Doc Mimms while we are gone, you will behave for him and you will obey me, do you understand?"
"Yes, Sir." I muttered not looking at him. The tears had now spilled over my eyelids and slid down my cheeks.
"You are excused to your room to pack what you need; we will take you there tomorrow as we head out."
I dashed from the room, longing to be away from them; avoiding the pitiful looks everybody was surely sending my way. I was too ashamed and angry to confront them. As for Jesse I continued to keep my back to him determined for him to not see my face at this moment, to let him have the satisfaction of seeing me so berated after my remark to him.
I did not stay in my room long. I piled together a few articles of clothing, a comb, and a necklace of my mother's, wrapped it all in an old shirt that Bob had given me and then crawled out of the window. I could hear the soft hum of their voices floating in the night air and knew they were still in the sitting room. Quietly I crept passed our pasture where our horses were roaming about, homeless now without the barn and made my way to the wood shed and slipped inside. I raced over to where Jett was penned up for the night in his makeshift home. Cole had been kind enough to put him indoors after he had raced across the prairie with me earlier that night. Jett heard me enter and greeted me with a snort, nudging my shoulder with his muzzle.
"We've got to get out of here, boy. They may not want me along but I just can't be left behind. I can't sit here and do nothing, stuck in the same house as Zee Mimms," I whispered as I stroked him. I reached for the gate Cole had rigged to keep Jett separated from the wood only to find a piece of chain and a padlock wrapped around it. I pulled on it but the lock held fast. My last thread of resolve broke as I tried to pull off the chain and lock in vain. I slumped down the fence and sobbed into my knees. I wanted to scream, but alerting the boys to my attempted escape would only make matters worse.
After a few minutes, my sobs had turned into slow ragged breaths. My rage had exhausted me but I didn't want to surrender back to the house, knowing what my fate would be as soon as I woke up. In a final, weary decision I crawled onto a hay bale that was beside Jett's stall and fell asleep to the sound of my horse's deep steady breathing.
"Jaime, Jaime, come on get up." Someone called through the mist of my sleep. Groggily, I raised my head to see Bob's face above me.
"Huh?" I grunted sleepily, looking at him, slightly confused as to why I had hay in my hair. "What's going on?"
"Well," he said with a slight smirk on his face. "I am trying to smuggle you back into the house before Cole finds you missing. One more upset from you and he's going to go crazy."
The night's events flooded my foggy mind once more, but my state of half consciousness made me apathetic to everything for now. With an indifferent shrug I raised my arms and allowed Bob to lift me up and carry me back to the house
"I'll figure it all out in the morning," I told myself, "Best not to make Cole any angrier." Things are always worse at night, and this had been a horrible night to begin with, all I had to do was wait until morning, somehow I'd find a way to make everything alright. With that hazy thought I dropped off into the dark again.
Exhausted, I surrendered control to Jett, tossing aside the dangers of not paying attention while I rode, burying my face in his warm mane. He trotted along the rolling hills for a while; his slow rocking rhythm began to put me at a state of ease. I slipped into the place between being asleep and awake hoping to find some peace in my dreams. But this did not last. I felt the difference in his rhythm as soon as his hooves met packed earth instead of prairie grass and my ears were once again assaulted with the low roar of a massive fire. Rising up from Jett's dark lock's I found myself looking at another pile of rubble. In front of the blaze stood three silhouettes, staring into the flames. But there were no screams at this scene, no fast whirling terror, this time it seemed to happen in slow motion as I trotted towards my three brothers, standing before what used to be our barn. Jett became jittery as we came close to his burning home, so I slipped from his back and with leaden footsteps drew closer to the fire.
Cole must've heard me approaching because he turned to look at me, slowly, just like everything else. He stared at me, unmoving, with silent tears rolling down his strong face. What could I do? I had already screamed and cried enough tonight, I couldn't express my sorrow anymore. I tried to reach my brother but the pain of all that night's events finally took me over completely and with a flood of darkness the ground rushed up to meet me.
* * * * * * *
My eyes fluttered open to reveal the hazy image of our sitting room. I groaned and tried to rub out the pain behind my eyes, and as I did, I heard voices above me.
"Hey, I think she's waking up."
"Yeah, she looks a little flustered; let her come to a little more before we tell her anything."
I blinked fast trying to clear up my eyesight; it helped a little. While my senses began to calm themselves, the mass of shapeless color from before had faded into the familiar forms of people and objects. I could see now that Cole was standing near the fireplace, while Jim sat on the sofa's arm, above where I was lying, and Bob was in an armchair by my feet. Jesse and Frank were also in the room, leaning up against opposite sides of the doorway.
"Hey, how are you?" asked Jim in a hushed voice.
"I'm fine," I said. I tried to raise myself to a sitting position but the dull throb in my skull seared into a blinding flash of pain as I moved and I quickly resumed my position laying down, massaging my head.
"Guess you're not fine, huh?" he said and placed a cool, damp rag on my head. "You had a pretty nasty collision with the ground so if all you've got is a headache, consider yourself lucky."
I smiled weakly at his attempt to make light of the situation, but as my adjusting eyes wandered, I was more concerned with Jesse. He refused to meet my gaze but I could see that his dark eyes were bright from crying and had seemed to turn the color of gunmetal. I wanted to run over to him, but his rigid demeanor and my aching head kept me rooted to the couch. Instead, I directed my gaze to Cole.
"So what did you want to tell me?" I asked him. He eyes widened apparently not realizing I had heard him earlier. At a loss for words he glanced at Bob, and then Frank, and then settled his eyes on the floor. I didn't like this response and quickly looked up at my twin and grabbed his hand.
"Jim?" I said cautiously. He squeezed my hand and returned my gaze with sad, pleading eyes. My heart leapt as my eyes read his, and I knew he was leaving me.
"Why?" I managed to breathe out between clenched teeth.
"We have to go after them. We can't let such horrible actions go unpunished, if we don't stop them, other families will suffer like ours." He explained it bluntly; his voice maintained a control that his eyes betrayed. I could see the fear and anger he felt, and knew there was no way to dissuade them.
"I want to go with you," I said back with the same cold control that Jim had used.
"No." came the quick, stern response of both Cole and Jesse. I understood Cole's objection, but with flaring indignation I turned to Jesse surprised by his answer. After all hadn't he just confessed he was attracted my strength and now he was batting me down?
"And why shouldn't I?" I asked while boring holes into Jesse with my eyes. He was looking at me now, with a closed expression that made me even angrier. "I was injured by these acts just as much as all of you; I want revenge just as much!"
I stood, ignoring the throbbing of my head and slowly began to advance upon Jesse. It was his objection that stung the most; his hypocrisy cut me to the core.
"You think that just because I am a girl I can't fight?"
"No," he said, softer than before, but with the same intensity. "I think that because you are a girl you will fight, but with your heart not your head. Your pain will drive you, not logic. And all that pain will do is get you killed." There was no hint of tenderness in his words; his detachment from the pain had detached him from me as well. I could feel hot tears well up again, but I bit them back furiously and kept my voice rigid as I responded.
"Oh, you're wrong; I can close my heart, just watch." And with that, I turned from him to face the rest of the room. I was surprised to see the rest of the boys still in there. In my moment of anger, I had forgotten about their presence. They had all watched the exchange between Jesse and I, and all had looks of mingled surprise and confusion over what we had said. Cole decided not to pry at this point but instead continued to set his foot down about my staying put.
"Jaime, really, this is going to be dangerous, we're out to destroy these bastards, and to do so we'll have to do some drastic things. That means long hard rides, hiding out; camping for nights on end, possible fights and Lord knows what else. We can't be doing all that and worrying about watching over you as well."
"Watching over me!?" I exclaimed my voice rising in frustration. "I'm not new to any of that Cole Younger! I risked everything right along with everybody in this room to save you from swinging and did a damn fine job. I was just as good as you and you know it, at least I've never gotten caught!"
"That's enough!" he said and slammed his hand down on the mantel. A tense silence hung in the air, Cole eyes were glinting with rage, and his jaw was clenched tight. I was shaking, partly from anger and partly from fear.
"I don't want to hear anymore about it," Cole whispered tensely. I dropped my eyes to the floor knowing not to talk back when he was this mad, and not wanting him to see the tears that were coming. "You are going to stay with Doc Mimms while we are gone, you will behave for him and you will obey me, do you understand?"
"Yes, Sir." I muttered not looking at him. The tears had now spilled over my eyelids and slid down my cheeks.
"You are excused to your room to pack what you need; we will take you there tomorrow as we head out."
I dashed from the room, longing to be away from them; avoiding the pitiful looks everybody was surely sending my way. I was too ashamed and angry to confront them. As for Jesse I continued to keep my back to him determined for him to not see my face at this moment, to let him have the satisfaction of seeing me so berated after my remark to him.
I did not stay in my room long. I piled together a few articles of clothing, a comb, and a necklace of my mother's, wrapped it all in an old shirt that Bob had given me and then crawled out of the window. I could hear the soft hum of their voices floating in the night air and knew they were still in the sitting room. Quietly I crept passed our pasture where our horses were roaming about, homeless now without the barn and made my way to the wood shed and slipped inside. I raced over to where Jett was penned up for the night in his makeshift home. Cole had been kind enough to put him indoors after he had raced across the prairie with me earlier that night. Jett heard me enter and greeted me with a snort, nudging my shoulder with his muzzle.
"We've got to get out of here, boy. They may not want me along but I just can't be left behind. I can't sit here and do nothing, stuck in the same house as Zee Mimms," I whispered as I stroked him. I reached for the gate Cole had rigged to keep Jett separated from the wood only to find a piece of chain and a padlock wrapped around it. I pulled on it but the lock held fast. My last thread of resolve broke as I tried to pull off the chain and lock in vain. I slumped down the fence and sobbed into my knees. I wanted to scream, but alerting the boys to my attempted escape would only make matters worse.
After a few minutes, my sobs had turned into slow ragged breaths. My rage had exhausted me but I didn't want to surrender back to the house, knowing what my fate would be as soon as I woke up. In a final, weary decision I crawled onto a hay bale that was beside Jett's stall and fell asleep to the sound of my horse's deep steady breathing.
"Jaime, Jaime, come on get up." Someone called through the mist of my sleep. Groggily, I raised my head to see Bob's face above me.
"Huh?" I grunted sleepily, looking at him, slightly confused as to why I had hay in my hair. "What's going on?"
"Well," he said with a slight smirk on his face. "I am trying to smuggle you back into the house before Cole finds you missing. One more upset from you and he's going to go crazy."
The night's events flooded my foggy mind once more, but my state of half consciousness made me apathetic to everything for now. With an indifferent shrug I raised my arms and allowed Bob to lift me up and carry me back to the house
"I'll figure it all out in the morning," I told myself, "Best not to make Cole any angrier." Things are always worse at night, and this had been a horrible night to begin with, all I had to do was wait until morning, somehow I'd find a way to make everything alright. With that hazy thought I dropped off into the dark again.