Skewed Reflections
They were glowing. Cloud had to stop himself from touching them. It felt... surreal was the word. Those were his eyes. They were blue like his eyes, they glowed like his eyes. He'd been in SOLDIER, his eyes were supposed to glow, it was from the mako. Why, why didn't they seem like his eyes?
His fingers drew closer to them. Why…they didn't fit his face. It was the glow. The glow belonged to someone else. Someone who smiled more, who should be here, not there, not there… For a moment Cloud felt as though it were raining. Hard rain, the world around him was fuzzy. Nothing made sense not the rain, not the feeling of fresh air, where were the walls. Everything was wrong. But he knew…they did this…he'd kill them.
Kill who…they were him…not Sephiroth…he hadn't…
How could he have someone else's eyes? That was ridiculous, you just couldn't take someone's eyes anymore than you could…clone...them. Clones…those were things haunting Nibelheim. The people who'd survived. Shinra…no, Sephiroth had done that to them. The man with the numbered tattoo…
Someone else was staring at him in the mirror, the feeling was so strong Cloud almost choked. Not all of them, just their eyes. Their eyes were all wrong...they weren't smiling. Because Cloud had them…he was the reason they weren't smiling.
There wasn't a reason to be getting worked up over this. His eyes were his own. He'd gotten the glow from mako of that he was certain of. There wasn't anyone else.
His firm resolve cracked as he continued staring at them, his fingers resting at the rim of his left eye aching to examine the foreign glow. The glow wasn't foreign. Cloud tried to delve into his memories to find one; seeing his eyes like this. There had to be a memory…he'd gone through the process…surly he would have seen his eyes before today. It was impossible for him not to see the glow, it had been…six…was it six…the time didn't matter. He'd had them for a long time and he would have seen them.
Memories weren't forthcoming but that didn't surprise him. Things in his mind seemed to move around without his consent; reorganizing themselves at their leisure.
The reflection looked so wrong. Why was he doing this? He'd told the others he was going to bed…he told them to go to bed too…they hadn't listened. Why was he upset about it? They never listened. Someone else should be the leader, someone more effective. He just wanted to end this. But he was the leader, they were his responsibility.
He looked older than he should. The thought startled him. It was true. In his memories he'd seemed younger, a teenager, but he wasn't a teenager. He was twenty-one. He looked his age but why didn't he remember looking like this. Was…was he taller?
When, when was the last time he'd looked in a mirror? After joining AVALANCHE there hadn't been time for mirrors but he'd seem himself before in one. Hadn't he?
Of course he had, why think otherwise, back in…
…
…
SOLDIER, yes, in SOLDIER he'd seen his reflection. But it was younger. Why was it younger?
Cloud couldn't afford to be doing this. Whatever was wrong with him wasn't important right now. He was clearly shaken from Nibelheim and he was going to bed.
Keeping his eyes off the mirror Cloud began heading over to the bed. The inn, here in Rocket Town, was larger than some of the other inns they'd come across on the journey. For once they all wouldn't be sharing a room. Which was a good thing, because the team seemed to multiply at each stop they made. At the last one they'd collected a man known as Vincent. Cloud wasn't sure of the man. He trusted him…
Collapsing on to the bed, Cloud was grateful Tifa wouldn't be sharing a room with him. She'd be unhappy about how he hadn't taken his boots off. Why sleeping with your boots on would upset someone, Cloud couldn't begin to understand. She wore all her other articles of clothing, so why were boots a big deal. If it was a comfort problem, then why'd she wear the…
Embarrassed at the direction his thoughts were heading, Cloud began to blush into the comforter. She was a girl. He wasn't supposed to understand her. That's what his mother would say whenever he asked her about Tifa…
His mom…Nibelheim…it was rebuilt. Why? Because of the things living there…those clones. They were all wearing those black cloaks calling to Sephiroth. Drawn to him…not like Cloud. He wasn't drawn to Sephiroth.
Rebuilding Nibelheim did seem a bit of an extreme solution to the situation. But that was the old president's way, throw money at the problem.
What did he think would happen? Money won't turn a failure into Sephiroth. Will it?
Him…sand, water, saw him again…The voice was different than the normal voice. Cloud laughed, hearing a voice in your head, normal. There was a shake running through him as his breathing was becoming erratic.
No, I'm strong, not weak, I'm not weak. Cloud forced his eyes closed as he tried to force himself to calm down. He wasn't weak like this. Taking a deep breath, Cloud left Nibelheim alone.
Barret…yeah, Barret…he'd said something earlier… think… what he said. Cloud smiled with relief as he found a new focus. When they arrived Barret had complained about the state of the beds. Springing, hard, girly was that even a possible combination, Cloud had considered with amusement. Barret was funny about beds. Sure these beds weren't as soft as the one at Aeris's but they weren't bad. Thinking about it, Cloud couldn't remember a bed he hadn't enjoyed on this little trip. The ones at Billy's ranch which smelt heavily of Chocobos seemed like heaven to Cloud.
I haven't slept in a bed like this ...in a long time.
That was what the voice said. It was right. Cloud was final beginning to drift off. When had that been? There'd been his bed back home. Then he'd been with Tifa. What about before Tifa. What had been before Tifa…? There'd been beds, right. He'd lived like a normal person…no, he'd been in the military then a mercenary. A mercenary…he was a mercenary because Barret hired him so he was a mercenary. This was a job.
The first…no, he'd had lots of jobs. Why couldn't Cloud remember them? He'd done things over this last five years, lots of things. What were they?
Cloud sat up as he became uneasy again. His memories keep causing him trouble. Why were they haunting him like this? He'd been there five years ago…he was the SOLDIER…that was him?
Why couldn't he remember? Tifa…Tifa remembered. Tifa knew what happened they'd seen each other there. She told him, she'd seen him. Why…why hadn't they gotten together? They had time why hadn't they?
Why don't you try asking Tifa?
Tifa hadn't liked it the last time he'd asked. So, he wasn't going to ask her again. He wasn't a child who needed comforting. He could go to sleep on his own. Besides Tifa was down stairs with everyone else, she wouldn't want him to bother her. He'd be making a fool of himself. How could he let Tifa see him like this?
No, he was going to sleep like he planned. Memories be da-
Being here brings back memories.
Sephiroth, why doesn't he kill me? Cloud placed a hand on one of his temples. What happened? I was there so what happened… Clones…the other survivors are clones… I'm not…
Green… the room was bleeding green…can't breath.
Tifa…Tifa wasn't a clone…Tifa. He had to go see her. Because she remember…even when he couldn't.
Down stairs wasn't as empty as he thought it would be at this hour. But there was a bar. Bar did stay open latter than other stores did. At least, Tifa's did. He was having trouble recalling other bars. Don't think…
He didn't see any of his party members until he reached the bottom of the stairs. It was Aeris, he saw first. Her pink dress was out of place, like always, drawing more attention to her than was appropriate for a slum girl. The slums were dangerous but nothing ever happened to her or so she said. Shouldn't she be afraid of drawing the wrong sort of attention? Blending in was the key to slum survival. There were bad men in the slums looking for flowers to…Cloud blushed still unsure of what they did. But he understood it was bad. Maybe the Turks…looked out for her. That couldn't be true.
Aeris seemed strange, though Cloud couldn't quite tell how. Maybe it was how she was vacantly smiling at the men sitting at her table. They seemed to be playing some sort of card game. From the distance Cloud couldn't quite tell the game they were playing. There was a pile of money on the table so he assumed it was a gambling game. Aeris had something to gamble with. All their gil was safely locked in his room since Yuffie had been eyeing it earlier. What on the Planet could she be using…
Stranger still was that Yuffie was right there with her. The girl was standing beside Aeris looking…guileless. Guileless, Yuffie, Cloud started having a disturbing feeling about what was going on over there.
Aeris batted her abnormally widened eyes at one of the men as she asked him a question. Yuffie was leaning on Aeris's shoulders looking equally puzzled. Aeris puzzled, Yuffie puzzled was that part of the game. Probably better for him not to know what was going on.
Cloud could ask Aeris where Tifa was. The two spent a lot of time together and Cloud…well, he wanted to find Tifa quickly. If Aeris knew he wouldn't have to waste time searching for her.
How could he ask her without interrupting their game?
There was a roar of…giggles? With what seemed to be exaggerated innocence, Aeris placed her cards on the table. Then both she and Yuffie broke out into a fit of giggles. Cloud wasn't sure what had occurred but the men seemed upset over the incident. Confused as he was, Cloud assumed the game might have ended. He could talk to Aeris, now.
Mirth filled eyes found him as Aeris turned in his direction. Her smile widened then… She wasn't Aeris anymore. Her eyes were glowing like…his…the one's that didn't belong. It was someone else. Someone he wanted to see more than…more than…not more than Tifa. Dark hair, inhumanly wide smile, it was him.
Cloud half raised his arm. Should he wave…how should you greet someone after what happen? He'd never felt so excited before…it hadn't happened. None of it had happened…just a dream.
He'd be shocked when he realized Cloud was beaming back at him. Cloud Strife didn't beam, he… It didn't matter, he was alive…happy Cloud was so happy. Things would be different…Cloud wouldn't let him down…
Aeris, it was just Aeris. Cloud finished his half wave as a deep disappointment settled in him. Aeris wasn't him. Why would he think that? Lots of people were happy all the time. Just Aeris, not him…him…who was he?
The girls didn't notice or appear to care about his disappointment. It would have been fun to see them count out their earnings, normally, how they high-five each other after they finished counting a stack of money. Should have been hysterical or irritating, gambling was wrong.
Cloud couldn't bring himself to care. Disappoint over a…he didn't even know. He did know he didn't want to ask Aeris anymore.
Turning away from the girls Cloud started walking into the inn's main lobby. There were all sorts of people hanging around mostly natives of Rocket Town. Cloud guessed anyway. They were all going on about the Captain, like all the other Rocket Town residents the party had meet so far. So many people, Cloud was beginning to feel uncomfortable. He wasn't going to shout Tifa's name.
At the bar was Barret preaching to the poor guys who'd been foolish enough to sit beside him. Save the Planet...seemed like revenge to Cloud…blowing up reactors didn't do anything. Killing Sephiroth wasn't going to do anything. It still had to be done.
Tifa wasn't with him. What if she'd gone outside? Rocket Town wasn't Midgar but it could take hours to find her if she'd left. Cloud couldn't wait hours. He had to make sure…Tifa's memories…he need them.
There she was sitting a table, all alone. Tifa alone, it was as impossible as Aeris with Yuffie. In his memories Tifa was never alone. His memories…were they right… They wouldn't tell him when he'd been with Tifa.
Hastily, he moved towards her table rushed on by is steadily panicking mind. He needed Tifa, right now, he need her to tell him…
"Tifa," he tried not to sound desperate as he said her name. His attempt must have worked because she smiled up at him when she heard her name called. "Cloud, I thought you where in bed."
Cool as he could manage he shrugged at her. "I wasn't tired." Tifa nodded, there was a pause. Was that all? Didn't Tifa want to talk to him? Maybe she was busy. Just because she wasn't with someone didn't mean she was free. He shouldn't have come down here.
"Me neither. Seeing our home made up like that… I don't know if I'll ever sleep." So far away…Tifa wasn't with him. How could he bring her back?
Tifa focused on him, again, a smile on her face. "Would you like to join me?" He nodded trying not to appear eager as he sat down beside her. After he sat down there was another pause. This was his chance. The reason he'd came down here. But he couldn't say anything. Why was he afraid, now? He should be able to do this. Tifa was his friend, his childhood friend. They'd known each other forever. Then why…why couldn't he remember… Why couldn't he ask a simple question? They were friends. Tifa wouldn't…lie…because they were friends. Friends trusted each other. He trusted Tifa. No reason for fear.
"Marlene, I miss her." Tifa was far away again but he could talk, now. Marlene was safe. "She will be fine Elmya is a good woman. She'll take good care of Marlene until you return." Tifa nodded absently as she stared into the crowd. "You're right. Elmya is a remarkable woman to have raised Aeris under those conditions. Taking care of Marlene shouldn't be a problem. Marlene doesn't get into half the trouble Aeris does." The last part was end with a nod in the direction of Aeris.
Cloud looked as Tifa directed this time there was no strange feelings as he looked at his friend. The player of the game had changed since he'd last looked. At least the man had changed. Aeris and Yuffie were in practically the same position, looking practically like simpletons. What could they be playing that needed them to look so…so out of it?
"If Aeris wasn't Aeris I'd say they were doing a con." Cloud frowned at the unfamiliar word. "A con…" The focus of the conversation became Cloud. "You don't know what a con is?" Tifa eyed him curiously. "I do. Aeris doing one is strange." The words pleased Tifa because she smiled at them in a nice way, not the mocking kind.
"Too true, maybe Yuffie is corrupting her." Even though he was unsure of Tifa's meaning he decided to try and contribute. "Or it could be Aeris doing the corrupting." This time she smiled and…she laughed.
"If that's the case Elmya might not be the best choice for watching Marlene." She laughed…they were having a conversation…friends, they were friends…his memories…they were messed up…not anything else.
"You could go see her." That wasn't what he met to say. He wanted to sound clever so she'd laugh again then smile at him. But Tifa was missing Marlene. He didn't want Tifa to miss her. Things were getting dangerous, they'd seen Sephiroth…Tifa would be safer away. So would Aeris. Yuffie, they couldn't get away from her even when they tried.
"I see, trying to get rid of me." Oh, no, Cloud hadn't met that, exactly. He didn't want Tifa mad at him. "I'd love to go but we have to stop Sephiroth." Tifa wasn't angry at him but Cloud felt disappointed with himself. Why was he hoping she'd have another reason to stay? They were friends.
Why don't you try asking Tifa?
Being with Tifa made his memories less important. Still, he needed to know. What if Tifa wasn't around next time? He couldn't remember for him self…depending on Tifa like this wasn't fair for either of them. Strong, he needed to be strong for Tifa.
It was hard to ask. Why?
Tifa was watching him silently waiting for him to speak. Had he given himself away? Now, he had to ask.
"Umm…Tifa…" This shouldn't be hard. Tifa, he could talk to Tifa. People talked to their friends. They used to talk or he would…who? Ask Tifa. She didn't pressure him as he fumbled with his words.
"Back then." It was his imagination her face had fallen. Tifa couldn't be upset about that like before. He didn't want to mess up again. "I…we were together right. You saw me…I saw you…you saw me right." Not him…you saw me because we were there. Both of us…you saw both of us. Both…? He wanted to remember…
"Cloud…" Please, Tifa. You saw me…I was there with him. I was there…clone…not a clone of Sephiroth. How did I get away? Tell me Tifa. Be strong. He wanted to know.
"I…Cloud." Why wouldn't she say? I trust you, please Tifa. Begging, he wasn't going to beg. He was strong for Tifa. Not like before… This time she wasn't going to fall.
"Aeris, Yuffie." What? She was looking past him her face in a frown. "Someone better go check on them." No, Tifa…he needed to know…his memories…they were friends…she'd tell him they were. The other memories…he didn't care…friends…please say we're friends.
Without a word she stood up and walked over to the shouts and laugher of the crowd behind him. The giggles of his friends seemed the loudest of all. Somehow he smiled, said a goodbye. She didn't say anything.
Cloud didn't watch her go. Seeing Tifa's back…he didn't want to see that…because they were friends after all.
He was alone, all alone, again. Somewhere far away he was sure it was raining and people were shooting. Someone was dying.
Tifa Lockhart didn't know.