Title: Goodbye is the Saddest Word

Author: GEM

Feedback: Please send it good or bad written: 5/30/05

Rated: T

Word count: 934

Story Timeline: Pre- Mini

Category: Drama/Angst

Focus: The Adamas and Kara with some minor OFC's

Warnings: Character Death

Summary: We all react differently to the death of loved ones.

Spoiler: Slight Mini and Act of Contrition

Chapter 10 A Brother's Grief and a Mother's Sorrow

Lee hadn't seen his father, truth be told he had no desire to see him. He was the one that caused this to happen. He is the one that is responsible for the nightmares suffered by his mother. The nightmares that wake Lee with his mother's cold blood curdling screams and then Lee must ran from his room to hers and hold her while she cries until she finally cries herself to sleep. His father was the one who did this and it didn't matter if Lee ever saw him again.

He learned while talking to his mother after he came home that his father had been by to see her and help with the arrangements. "I don't understand how you can just let him in here?" Lee was sorting through papers while Caroline was sipping tea, staring at the same spot on the wall "He's your father." She replied flatly.

Lee walked back to the dinning room and sat down next to her "Yes, and to be honest with you, I don't care if I ever see him again." Lee was so full of anger he couldn't sit still he started to get up and walk back to the kitchen when his mother put a hand out to stop him. "Look at me Lee." Her voice was as strong as it had been in recent days. He looked her in the eye.

"I'm grieving for Zac, so are you. Your father has lost a son as much as I have; and you… you have lost a brother. I understand how you feel. You need to understand that I can't just shut your father out. We've been apart for years but before we did everything together. We've lost a son…" Lee could tell she was loosing her composure again.

Lee took her into his arms and took a deep breath "I just wish you could understand that I'm not grieving for Zac. I can't because I 'm so angry with Dad that I can't grieve. I wouldn't have to grieve for Zac if it weren't for him."

Caroline had stopped crying and was listening intently to her Son. "Mom, he killed my brother, it's all Dad's fault." Now it was Lee that had lost his composure and Caroline that gathered her Son into her arms and tried to calm him. She too cried but this time it wasn't for Zac but for Lee and the pain that he felt and the anger that he felt toward his father.

Lee knew that he shouldn't have burdened his mother with this but he couldn't keep it in anymore. He couldn't help himself he was so angry with his father. "I blame him. He said through his tears. I blame him.

Caroline knew deep down that her ex-husband, the man she so easily leaned on today and dismissed in the same breath, was not to blame for Zac's death, but trying to explain this to Lee, or even to totally convince herself would be almost impossible.

Caroline let her son out of the embrace and took hold of his chin like she did when he was little. She looked into his deep blues Adama eyes "You have to understand…"

"You don't have to do this." Lee statement was almost a whisper.

"I do, Lee because you have to understand. We'll be standing on opposite sides of Zac tomorrow but we both truly love him. Your father and I just show it differently. I will grieve for him outwardly Your father is not that kind of person. He will grieve for him in his own time.

Lee hugged his mother. "I do understand. I just can't forgive him."

Caroline held her son tightly "I don't blame him Lee, not for Zac's death It was an accident, not of your father's doing. Lee walked in the kitchen without another words and cameback a moment later. He sat and opened the planning book. "Everything looks like it's in order. I can't believe we have to do this tomorrow." His last words were spoken softly He'd just turned Zac's funeral into an everyday military occurrence and his remarks reminded him of those sometimes made by his CAG.

Caroline walked into the living room. She picked up a picture of Zac and sat in a nearby chair. Tomorrow she would bury her son she would say her final good-bye. How would she ever make it through this?

After putting some things away Lee made his way to the living room. He went over and put a hand on her shoulder "We'll make it, Mom. Lee said quietly as if reading her mind. She reached up and covered his hand with hers they both were looking at the picture. Lee still blamed his father for putting them through this. Caroline, for her part, hated military life but knew it ran deep within all of her boys. This was just another stage of her military life one that will forever leave a mark. She will continue to deal with it but she will never blame Bill for it. She hoped that eventually Lee would understand and stop blaming his father but deep down she feared he never would be able to move past it.