Disclaimer: Bungie owns Halo, Nintendo owns Pokémon, and Rooster Teeth Productions are the ones that own Red vs. Blue: The Blood Glutch Chronicles. Seriously, I think Rooster Teeth is a crazy name for a group of people making web videos, but hey, we got Monty Python, so what the hell.
Note: This is a restart of RvB: The Pokémon Chronicles. You can still find to old version somewhere around if you want to see the first version.
Episode One: Lucky Zeros
The location: Zanzibar. The time: the Future. The situation: ...do I really need to explain it to you guys?
Grif looked at the digital timer on the bomb below. "Oh... just two minutes left..." he moaned.
"Men, I don't want this to sound pessimistic," said Sarge, the Red team leader, "But I'm ABSOLUTELY certain we're all gonna die!"
Simmons, in his usual kiss-ass way, replied with, "I think that is a totally objective assessment of the situation, Sir."
Not too far off, Donut stood with the resident Blue team members, Caboose and Tucker, the latter who was beating on a nearby shutter with his "cool thing," an energy sword.
"What if we just beat on these window shutters together?" he suggested. "We can get them open!"
"No, that would be the cowards way out!" Sarge replied. "Ruthlessly trying to escape instead of accepting you own fate!"
"But I can see daylight!" It was true, Tucker was able to make a small opening out of the doomed building.
"It's true..." the former said, not listening. "Only a miracle can save us now..."
A suddenty silence washed over the group. Donut was the first of the bunch to speak up once again. "You really think deus ex machina is going to help us?"
"Deus ex- wait, never mind, we ARE screwed," Grif said somberly.
"Exactly!" Sarge shouted once again. "We're all going to die, starting with Grif! Everyone, get ready to kiss yer ass goodbye! Simmons, you can have the honor of kissing mine."
Caboose, who was now by the sealed entrance to the building, heard a small pop, and turned around just in time to see the Blue team leader, Church, fall in from nowhere.
"Hey everybody," he asked casually. "What's up?"
"I, am so happy, that you made it in time, to die with me," Caboose replied in his unique state of mind. "We will get to be smithereens together!"
"The won't be necessary, Caboose." Church then turned his head upwards and said," Hey Gary, how yah doin'?"
As if on some strange que, the computer monitor in the upper level of the building went from the blue screen to a full black screen, which began to display green letters as a voice began to emit from it as well.
"NOT BAD. ALTHOUGH MY STATIC ION SUB-MATRIX IS A LITTLE ITCHY."
Everyone minus Church stared in awe for several seconds. They had NO idea what was going on.
"The computer can talk?" Simmons shouted.
Grif added to the statement by saying, "The computer's name is GARY?"
"HOW HAVE YOU BEEN, CHURCH?" the mechanized voice asked.
"Good, thanks for askin," replied the cobalt blue soldier. "Listen, would you do me a favor? Could you shut off the bomb, please?"
"NO PROBLEM."
For those would could read the digital timer, it beeped from three to two, then to one, and at the last second, displayed "OFF" on the little L.E.D. screen.
Out of anger, Sarge walked up and shouted, "Gary, you mean to tell me you could've turned off the bomb this whole time, and you didn't say SO? And don't say I-"
"YOU DIDN'T ASK." Gary replied calmly. Sarge went on the say a few curses under his own breathe.
"Man, it is really great to see you guys," said Church. Tucker walked up next to Caboose to greet his old friend/casual aquaintence/abusive commander.
"You seem like you're in a good mood!" the former exclaimed.
"I learned a very valuable lesson in my travels, Tucker. No matter how bad things might seem-"
"They COULD be worse," Caboose said, finishing his "best friend's" sentence.
"Nope. No matter how bad they seem, they can't be any better, they can't be any worse, 'cause that's the way things fuck'in are, and you better get use Nancy. Quit yer bitch'in."
"Where HAVE you BEEN?" Caboose asked innocently.
"You want the LONG version of the SHORT?"
Thinking for a moment, Caboose replied, "I will take the EASY version."
"Oh no, I want to here the long version," interrupted Tucker. "But can you tell me in three parts?"
(Some distance off...)
"Curses! The annoying blue commander of their's is back. Oh, how wished he had died in the enormous explosion that brought us here!"
"Sí, maestro. Su presencia es un fastidio grande a nosotros."-1-
On the outer wall of the base, O'Malley and his robotic minion Lopez (sans body, of course) overlooked the events that had just taken place.
"Well, this is just as good," the evil AI said from his possessed host. "With them all together again and trapped in this area, we can swiftly take them all out! Yes, this will be most glorious!"
"I don't know about that," a different voice replied from where O'Malley's voice once came. "It doesn't seem very nice to give them such a disadvantage."
"Oh shut up, Doc!" yelled the AI. "No one cares for your opinion anymore, right Lopez?"
"Lo que flota su barco."-2-
Unknown to both of them, a shadowy figure watched them from the cover of several ruined pillars. Hunched and out of sight, the figure slowly walked away toward the other end of the wall.
(Five minutes later)
"Well I didn't, Caboose, I DIDN'T try to save me, I DIDN'T try to save Tex, and I SURE as hell DIDN'T make MILLIONS of copies of myself trying to keep the bomb from going off!"
"Oh." Caboose looked at his commander for a split second before continuing. "BECAUSE that was my next suggestion..."
"Leave me alone, Caboose!" Church said with irritation. "I didn't want to mess with the timeline!"
"Time... line?" Caboose huffed before saying, "Time ISN'T made out of lines... it is made out of circles. That is WHY clocks are ROUND."
Nearby, Tex, Church's ex-girlfriend turned freelancer, continued to stare at Tucker's sword and said, "Man, that thing is really shiny."
"Yep," agreed Tucker. Church turned to him with a look of worry, or as much as a look you can get when wearing a one-way visor.
"Tucker, man, I still think..." Church took a quick breathe. "The computer told me that thing is a very important relic from some ancient culture. Don't do swinging it around like that."
"Yeah? Well I think it's just a kick-ass piece of BLING, and who are you going to believe, me, or some super-smart-stupid talking computer?"
He finished his sentence with a mighty show-off swing of his sword, but then the unthinkable happened:
He TRIPPED.
"WHOA!" Tucker fell right on his back and the sword fell out of his grasp, flying upwards into the air, spinning right through the opening in the roof of the base. Nearby, Donut was on his way to distract the Blue's as per orders from Sarge, when he saw the plasma sword land right into the console with a sharp THUD.
"What the- oh boy, someone's sure gonna be in trouble..."
"Hey Donut, what was that noise just now?" Sarge yelled from the opposite side of the building the Blue's were.
"Oh, just the cool thing Tucker had landing into the computer console. Man, is he ever gonna get it!"
"THIS CANNOT-NOT BE G-G-G-G-GOOD," Gary said. "MY WARRENTY DOES NOT COVER-R-R-R IMPALINGS."
At this time, Church had found his way back inside and to the console. "Holy shit! Gary, are you okay?"
"MYSELF? I AM FINE. FOR T-T-THE BASE? NOT SO-O-O FINE."
The console began to spark and arcs of electricity travelled between it, the sword and the generator nearby. Steadily, the generator began to increase it's speed of rotation, energy arcing off of it.
"...this is bad, isn't it?"
"ORANGE YOUUUUU GLAD I DIDN'T SAY-AY-AY BBBBBBANANA-NA-NA-NA?"
"Gary, this is no time for jokes, we gotta do something!"
"FORGIVE ME C-CHURCH, BUT-BUT-BUT-T-T-T-T-T-" The screen then flickered off and Gary's voice vanished.
"Gary? GARY? Oh my god, we're screwed!"
Tucker, Tex and Caboose came up beside him just as Gary went offline. "Man, now THAT'S gotta be a kick in the nuts," Tucker replied.
Church narrowed his eyes and swiftly pulled out the sword, turning around to face Tucker. "You ASSHOLE! This is all your fault, and now Gary isn't around anymore to help us fix this mess of yours!"
"Whoa, wait Church , it- it was an accident! You wouldn't hurt your friend-"
"Screw that friend bullshit! I'm gonna FUCKING KILL YOU!"
Sarge barged into the lower levels and shouted, "Hey you maggots, quiet down! Can't people have a secret meeting without you morons making all that noise?"
"Yeah Sarge," Grif replied from the clearing outside. "We REALLY have to have the quiet so we don't reveal our SECRET stuff, huh?"
"Simmons, I give you permission to whack Grif over the head!"
A loud WHACK was heard, followed by some of Grif's whimpering. "Done and done, sir!"
"ACK!" Tucker pushed past Sarge as Church sliced the air where he was standing just seconds before. "For the love of god, calm down you jerk-off!"
"THE MORE YOU RUN, THE MORE I WANT TO SLICE YOU OPEN, YOU FUCKTARD!" Church's roars of anger catch the attention of all, except Caboose, who was mesmerized by the rapid spinning of the generator. It had increased it's speed so fast, that it nearly looked like a solid object.
"Wow. This thing is spinning really fast." Caboose turned to Tex to ask a question, as Church was busy trying the murder Tucker. "Is that a BAD thing?"
"Huh?" Tex was catch up in the chase and barely noticed Caboose until now. "Well, yeah, I guess. If it goes fast enough, it would put out enough energy to-"
It was then the generator glowed a bright blue, and let out a high pitched whine. Caboose looked at it and realized, despite his mental capacity for thought, what was going to happen, and said the most unusual thing that would ever come out of his mouth.
"...OH FUC-"
(Outside the base)
"What's with that whining noise?" O'Malley complained. "Argh, it's driving me crazy!"
"Pienso que es ese generador que hace girar de control, maestro."-3-
"What? What are you say-" Looking over to the base and seeing the bright glow, O'Malley realized what was going to happen as well. "Oh no... NO-"
The mysterious figure, also seeing the signs of doom, went off the run for cover, but it was too late.
For the Red team, the Blue Team, O'Malley, Lopez, and the figure... they faced-
INSERT SUPER-STRONG KICK-ASS EXPLOSION OF ARMAGEDDON HERE, EQUAL IN POWER TO THE DESTRUCTION OF PLANET ZEBES AT THE END OF SUPER METROID PLUS THE DESTRUCTION OF PLANET NAMEK. IT'S REALLY, REALLY BIG.
END EPISODE
At last, the new version has been written! This has something I've been going over for a while, shortly after I began writing several drafts of episode 3. Plus, I got to feature Lopez and a mysterious figure as well (for those RvB fans out there, you'll know who the figure is)! Next chapter should be up soon, aka when I feel like doing so.
Next Episode: Strange Land, Stranger People
And now, for a handy translation of Lopez's lines!
-1-"Yes, master. His presence is a great nuisance to us."
-2-"Whatever floats your boat."
-3-"I think it's that generator spinning out of control, master."