Otherwise: A Tale of Two Rimmers

By Li Izumi

………

Part 2

Arnold Rimmer stopped short as he entered the cell he shared with Lister. He had heard voices coming from the room and expected to merely see Lister chatting with that strange Cat person, or perhaps the annoying android, Kryten. Rimmer most certainly didn't expect to see sitting there a complete stranger.

Ok, so maybe complete stranger wasn't quite right, as the person sitting across from his roommate looked just like him. Ok, so maybe that wasn't quite right either, as the other Rimmer had glorious blond hair (several inches longer than Rimmer's quite proper military short style) and was dressed in a stylish leather coat, far different from the standard uniforms Rimmer would wear. If Rimmer was in the mood to be honest about himself—that is, honest about his own insecurities and self-loathing—he might possibly admit that the other Rimmer perhaps might slightly be more attractive than he was. But Rimmer was never in a mood to be honest with himself—his arrogance was a complicated defense mechanism that was fully entrenched in being—and so he drove such thoughts firmly from him mind.

"Listy, who is this?" Rimmer nearly growled as he stared at the other Rimmer, surprising even himself with the harshness of his tone.

A look that might have been annoyance flashed across the other Rimmer's face. Then just as quickly, it was replaced by a brilliant smile and a disgustingly chipper expression.

"Hi ol' chap," He drawled, holding out his hand. "I'm Ace Rimmer, hero and space adventurer."

Rimmer ignored the man's offer for a handshake. "What is he doing here?"

Bringing his arm down awkwardly, Ace continued as if Rimmer had directed the question to him and not Lister. "I've had a… few… adventures with 'Skipper' here, and thought I'd come around for another visit."

"Skipper?" Rimmer repeated incredulously, his eyebrows rose so high they nearly seemed to arch above his hairline. "Skipper and Ace? How charming!"

Lister sighed loudly.

"Sounds like a boy with his pet bush kangaroo."

"Original…" Rimmer overheard Ace mutter, the smile slipping from his face.

"Ace was…is…" Lister started. With a quick glance at Ace, Lister tried again, "Ace came from another dimension as a test pilot for a dimension hopping ship."

"I see. So Ace is an alternate me?"

Again, Lister glanced quickly at Ace before answering Rimmer. "…Yeah."

Typical. Here was a prime example of who he might have become if he had ever gotten a break in his life. If he had gotten even just one little break, then maybe HE would have the perfect hair and an exciting life as a test pilot.

Ace… He had always wanted his future officer chums to call him 'Ace.' Now it seemed a revolting name.

And why was Lister being so chummy with him?

"So now you've had your visit, when are you leaving?"

"I have no intention of leaving just yet," Ace said, clearly annoyed. His drawling tone had dropped a bit, and he sounded more like Rimmer. "Listy and I have a lot of catching up to do."

'Listy' was HIS nickname for Lister. That nancy-boy should stick with his 'Skipper.' Rimmer glared at the other Rimmer.

Lister was looking back and forth between the two, and appeared more than a little uncomfortable. At last he turned to Rimmer and said quietly, "It has been a while since…Ace…and I have gotten to talk…"

Rimmer rolled his eyes. Great. Now he had to look forward to a night listening to that prancy little git and Lister prattle on. Just great. Now he would have to listen to Ace go on in excruciating detail to Lister, all about the exciting life he led. And did Lister even care that he had no interest in hearing about some other dimension's Rimmer and his great, wonderful, smegging-perfect life? "So fine," He said as he flopped down onto his bunk. "Well, go on. Talk. I could use a laugh."

"That is," Lister continued a tad awkwardly. "I mean, alone…"

Rimmer could feel his jaw drop. His mind was a flurry of thoughts, and it was nearly impossible for him to make sense of what he was thinking.

One thing that was clear in his mind was the thought that they wanted Rimmer to leave so they could be all chummy, and surely as soon as he was out the door they would turn to each other and laugh at the pathetic mess Rimmer was. Ace would brag about his exciting, wonderful life, and then Lister would tell him all about how utterly pathetic Rimmer was. And they would laugh and laugh.

Realizing he had been quiet for a while, and Lister was still waiting for some response from him, Rimmer tried to cover up his silence.

"I…um… just got into bed." That sounded awkward even to him. He hated feeling flustered. Anger filled him, and he lashed out. "It's my room too, and I have no intention of being sent out of it just because you want to get some action from nancy-boy over there."

Ace slammed his hands on the table as he shot up and moved towards Rimmer. Lister was there almost immediately holding him back, murmuring something.

Rimmer, who had pushed himself to the far end of the bunk as soon as Ace had made the slightest movement towards him, was only able to catch the last words of whatever it was that Lister was saying.

"…the same," Rimmer managed to hear. He had no idea what Lister was talking about, but whatever it was, it seemed to have stopped Ace. He continued to glare at Rimmer, but made no more motion towards him. Rimmer eased himself back onto his bunk, attempting to act as if he hadn't been frightened by the alternate him.

"Look, Ri… Ace, let's just go to another area, ok? It's not worth it."

Ace finally stopped glaring at Rimmer as he turned to face Lister. "Yeah, alright," He sighed.

Rimmer scowled. He thought quickly and then suddenly smiled, a hint of vindictiveness visible on his face. "The guards will be coming around soon enough to check the rooms. It'll have to be a quickie. Not that that's so unusual for you."

Again, it wasn't Lister who got upset by the jibe at him, but Ace. He turned to launch himself at Rimmer, but Lister held him back again. "I'll be back before check-in," Lister called back to Rimmer, ignoring the last bit that Rimmer had said. Then, to Ace, he sighed, "Come on. Let it go."

Scowling again, Rimmer glared as he watched Lister and Ace walk out of the room.

…………………

Lister couldn't help but roll his eyes as he led Rimmer out of the bunkroom. "Honestly," he muttered. "It's impossible to have two Rimmer's in the same room."

Rimmer continued to grumble under his breath.

Lister, exasperated, pointed out, "He's saying exactly the same thing YOU said when you met Ace! Exactly the same!"

Rimmer didn't respond, but he did look slightly abashed.

"Why does it bother you so much?"

"I was no where near as obnoxious as Ace had been!" Rimmer complained. "He had just waltzed into Starbug as if he knew everything and could do anything, showing off how great he was. And then he was so condescending to me!"

Lister arched an eyebrow. "As if you weren't trying to show Rimmer up back there? 'Ace Rimmer, hero and space adventurer,'" Lister mimicked.

"He was rude to me first," Rimmer insisted sullenly.

Lister shook his head. As if he had needed yet another reminder how much Rimmer couldn't stand himself. He had so much self-loathing buried underneath his arrogance and smegginess that it was utterly impossible for him to get along with any alternate version of himself. He buried his self-hatred so deeply that it was much easier for him to turn it outward and focus on another him rather than admit that he really couldn't stand himself.

First there was that disastrous time when Holly made two Rimmer holograms. And then that psy-moon fiasco. There was that first meeting with the original Ace. And to top it all off was the time on 'Rimmerworld' when Rimmer's clones turned on him and locked him in a prison for five hundred and fifty seven years.

And now yet again there were two Rimmers. Lister could barely stand ONE Rimmer, why was it that he continuously had to sort out the trouble caused when another Rimmer entered the scene?

"He responding just like you did when you met Ace. How can you blame him for acting the same way that you had?"

"Because he's a complete and utter smeghead."

"He's YOU!" Lister said exasperated.

"He's not me. I'M me."

"Weren't you always trying to find someway to prevent yourself from dying? Well, now you've been brought back to life."

"But he's not me," Rimmer insisted, a hint of what almost seemed like desperation in his voice. "I was trying to alter the past so I wouldn't end up a hologram. But the past is the same, and I'm still a hologram, and now there's some other version of me hanging around."

Having briefly switched bodies with Rimmer, Lister had some idea of how difficult being a hologram was. He knew how much Rimmer disliked only being a hologram. But even so…The situation was already giving him a headache. "Look, just stay here for tonight," Lister sighed, having led Rimmer to an out of the way storeroom. "And we'll talk more tomorrow, alright?"

Still sullen, Rimmer merely nodded.

Lister rolled his eyes and headed back to his bunk.

………………….

"That was quick. Just a 'wham-bam-thank-you-mister', eh Listy?"

Lister rolled his eyes. "You can be so incredibly childish. He's YOU…"

Rimmer cut in, "He's a pompous git."

"As I said, he's you," Lister shot back.

Rimmer continued to mutter about how Ace clearly had gotten the breaks that he had been denied.

Lister sighed. Gotten all the breaks? Maybe one might consider that of the original Ace, but this Ace was Rimmer. Lister had already had to spend the last several years subjected to the constant whining from Rimmer on how he had never gotten any breaks in his life, and how everything always went wrong for him. Now he had to listen to this Rimmer complain about how the other Rimmer had clearly gotten the breaks he hadn't.

Lister wanted to shout out 'No, really, he's you! He's your hologram self!' but he wasn't certain if Rimmer wanted this Rimmer to know that. Lister hadn't told anyone that Rimmer had gone off to become the next Ace, but continued to let them think that Rimmer had died instead. If Kochanski had been around then, she probably would have figured it out herself, but Cat was just generally clueless and could care less about Rimmer, and Kryten could be equally oblivious at times.

Speaking of the others, Lister realized, they would probably want to see 'Ace'. For his part, Rimmer would probably want to see people too. After all, when he had left, all the crew were dead and the Red Dwarf was missing. He said he had come to visit, and certainly that didn't mean just Lister. Rimmer would want a chance to visit everyone and reminisce. Well, as best they could as they were currently stuck in the brig.

"Hey, Rimmer."

"What is it?" Lister could hear clearly in his tone that he was still annoyed.

Lister wasn't entirely certain how he should ask, as he knew for certain Rimmer wouldn't like it, and with Rimmer already in a bad mood... Finally, he just came out with it. "Tomorrow, could you, y'know, stay in the bunk for a while during the day?" He could hear Rimmer sniff loudly in disapproval. In a rush he continued to explain, "I want to bring Ri… Ace around and it would be noticeable if there were two Rimmer's wandering around."

Rimmer was silent for a long moment, and Lister was certain he was ignoring him now. Suddenly Rimmer bit out, "Fine. Whatever."

Lister was somewhat surprised. He thought for certain Rimmer would put up a bigger fuss about the matter. After some consideration, he concluded that Rimmer probably figured the fastest way to get rid of the other Rimmer was to let him hurry up and visit.

It really was going to be a long few days, with two Rimmer's around. Lister really didn't want to be the one caught between them with all their anal neurosis, but at the same time, he couldn't really just leave them in the same room alone. Last time there had been two full Rimmer's, they quickly got into a very loud, heated roe.

As Rimmer had snuck back on the ship, the last thing they needed was a loud argument between the Rimmer's to make everyone aware that there was a second Rimmer aboard. And so, Lister would have to be stuck in the middle of this incredibly stupid mess. It really was going to be a long few days.

…………………………….

Author's Note: Thank you for all your kind words. More is certainly coming, though it will likely be a few weeks (at least) until I can get the next chapter written.