#10: James Bond
It was a beautiful Sunday morning that day, and Zelda was enjoying the good weather to the best of her abilities – meaning, of course, that she was to be found nowhere other than Mikau's greasy garage banging out a rocking riff that melded into the background of the bashing drums, wailing guitar, and Mikau's angry voice.
You're just so happy, too damn happy
Will somebody please slap me?
You're obnoxious and annoying
Not to mention that you're boring
We were never going steady,
Just let go, will you already?
I don't love you, never loved you
So just walk away out the door
The song ended, and Zelda grinned at Mikau who grinned at her, with Darmani smirking in the middle of the two.
"I hope that song's not about me." Lulu was standing outside the garage door, looking amused.
"Nope." Mikau's hair was moist as he flipped it out of his eyes. "I didn't even write it."
"Zelda's work, then?" Malon asked as she shoved her car keys in her pocket. "I wonder who it's about?"
"Nobody in general."
"Sneaky of you to drive up while we were rocking out," Darmani said. "We couldn't hear you drive up and we're not looking at the street."
"Well, Lulu and I are just very sneaky," Malon replied with a smirk.
"So," Mikau asked, unplugging his guitar from the amp and walking over to put an arm around his girlfriend, "might I ask what you two lovely ladies have come for? Maybe to see Volvagia perform, or ogle the glamorous lead singer?"
"Don't kid yourself." Malon walked up to Mikau, flicking his nose, and then turning. "We came to kidnap Zelda, of course."
"You don't even care for your boyfriends?" Darmani asked, faking a hurt puppy dog face from behind his set.
"Well, let me see. Hmm…" Malon looked thoughtfully up, crossing one arm over her chest and tapping her finger against her bottom lip. She looked to Lulu with a grin, and as one, they said "No."
"Ladies…" Mikau placed a hand over his heart, hopping back to stand atop his monster amp, "I am truly hurt."
"Good for you. Now can we steal your bassist?" Lulu smirked lightly as Mikau indecisively tried to figure what he valued more – his band, or his girlfriend.
"Let us play two more songs and then you can take her, h'okay?"
Lulu and Malon looked at each other, grins spreading over their features as they said, in unison, "H'okay."
"Out of curiosity," Darmani began, twirling a drumstick in his hand, "what do you want her for?"
"It's the second Sunday of the month," Malon replied. The two men looked to Zelda for help; she shrugged.
"Spa day?" Lulu responded. "Last spa day, Zel was busy."
"Oh! Spa day!" Mikau exclaimed, dancing around. "Are you going to take bubble baths?"
"Maybe."
"Can I come too?" Mikau eagerly implored Lulu, who shook her head and looked away, sighing at her boyfriend's idiocy.
"No," replied Malon, passing him his amp cable. "Get playing or we'll be late to the masseuse parlor."
--
"I f-feel b-b-bad ab-bout-t yo-ou p-p-p-aying for m-me, Lu-u-lu," Zelda told her, her voice bouncing around as the skilled young woman banged on her bare back with fisted hands. "I m-m-mean, i-it's n-not-t-t l-lik-k-e it-t's ch-e-eap-p…"
"N-no w-wor-r-ries-s," Lulu replied. "M-m-mom-m's l-l-load-ded-d. B-b-besid-d-des, if I sp-p-pen-nt h-hal-l-lf as m-m-much a-as R-r-r-ru-t-o-o on st-t-uf-f l-like t-this, w-we'd-d d-do t-this ev-v-v-er-r-ry d-day."
"It's sick," Malon said as her own masseuse rubbed her back in hard circles. "Ruto goes on a designer shopping spree every.. what, three weeks or so?"
"Yeah," exhaled Lulu as her own masseuse switched to leisurely circles. "It's absolutely disgusting. Not like we're any poorer for it, though."
"So your mom was the lead singer in the Indigo Go-Go's?" Zelda asked, relaxing as her masseuse switched as well. "Weren't they some really cool Indie band that went on for years?"
"Yeah," Lulu replied. "My grandma sang in it in the forties, which was when it originated originally as a jazzy band, but when the Beatles came around in the fifties, the Go-Go's hopped on the band wagon and reformed. Then in the sixties, they were a big underground Indie sort of thing. They dispersed in the seventies, though. Mom was sick of it – she said that Grandma forced her to sing. Mom said she won't make me sing or do anything if I don't want to."
"That's really cool of her," Zelda commented. "My dad was Mr. Miserable. He didn't care about me at all. I'm glad I came here."
"Me too," agreed Malon. "Say, have you ever even met Lulu's mom?"
"Nope," replied Zelda.
"We'll have to rectify that," Lulu replied with a smirk. "You'll like her, I think…"
"She's nothing like Ruto," Malon added hastily seeing the skeptic look on Zelda's face.
"Ugh, god," grimaced Lulu. "I swear, Ruto's horrid. She's an alien, honestly. She's nothing like mom or me or dad."
"Maybe she takes after your grandma," Zelda offered.
All the girls cracked up at that.
Meanwhile, let's see how our would-be stud muffin is doing…
Link crouched on his knees, rolling swiftly and deftly to one side, entering the targeted area and looking desperately left and right. Good. He had not been seen.
He was in forbidden territory and he knew that he could get busted big-time if he were caught there – castrated, disemboweled, probably submitted to various torture methods like Chinese water treatment or being forced to listen to Barbara Streisand records. So he moved quietly and swiftly, knowing that his very life was at stake.
He must not be seen.
Carefully, he shut the door, turning the silver knob handle with the thick rubber gloves he'd managed to swipe from the security personnel downstairs. She had been a difficult adversary, but in the end, he had won. He always won.
After all, his name wasn't James Bond for nothing. Wait, that wasn't his name. But still.
Link stayed in his crouched position, looking around carefully as he slinked along the floor on his belly. It was clean – too clean. And there was nobody in sight, which spooked him even more.
Where are the guards?
Carefully, Link crept to the drawer he had pinpointed earlier and reached in, drawing out his objective – the scientific recordings of an unreadable mind. Carefully, quietly, he shut the drawer, being so quiet that he wouldn't even wake… well... anything. Feeling joyful that he had retrieved his objective, he turned to leave –
– and was met with a pair of evil, yellow eyes.
"Gah!" he cried, backing up a little as Valoo stared at him. Link pressed a finger to his lips, shushing the cat. "There could be spies."
Quietly, Link crept to the bathroom door and pushed it open, then entered, Valoo just behind him, and shut the door, locking it swiftly. He exhaled in relief, and sat down on the fluffy pink toilet cover to read, the scent of roses assailing his nose from the various bath and body products she kept in her lair.
"I'm the king," Link said to himself with a grin. "Project infiltration of Zelda's room equals total success. Now let's see what she's got written in this journal of hers…"
Link stripped off the blue rubber kitchen gloves he'd nicked when Impa had had her back turned and flipped the cover open, grinning as he began to read it and ignoring the cat rubbing against his ankles.
DO NOT READ, it said on the front page in hot pink, and below that, ESPECIALLY IF YOUR NAME IS LINK
He snickered. She knew him too well, didn't she? He turned the page, reading the first entry.
July 5
Approx. noon
Go me. I'm here at this new place and I've got no idea what I'm doing. Stupid of me to come? Of course. Even stupider of me to listen to my idiot father and take his word? Most definitely. But here I am and there's no way I can go home, so I'm stuck here and might as well make the best of it. Go me.
So I'm sitting out on the beach. Yes, I'm staying on the beach. But anyway, I'm hiding out on the beach and stuff because I really don't feel like being bothered. I mean, the family is nice and all, but… I dunno. I'll go ahead and write my first impressions of them…'
"Blah blah, yadda yadda," grumbled Link as he scanned what she'd thought of Impa and Haft. Finally, he came to himself.
Their oldest child, an adoptive son, is called Link and he seemed to be just about as odd in the head as I am. To this, Link snickered. He's kind of a jerk, though.
"Hey!"
But a hot jerk, I suppose. He's got these gorgeous, to DIE for blue eyes…
"I do?"
And he's got this air about him that even though he acts all high and mighty he's not.
"When did I act high and mighty?"
He seemed to like all the music I had stored on my MP3 player, which is a good sign. After all, the quickest way to a man's heart is through his musical tastes (after his stomach, of course).
"Damn straight!"
But I don't like him like that. At least, I don't think I do, even though I have to share a room with him for the time being.
"Wha?"
And even if I do wind up falling for him, I don't think I'll act on it.
"Why not?"
--
"Because I live with him," Zelda explained to Lulu and Malon with a sigh as one of the workers rubbed soothing cocoa body butter over her bare skin as she sat in her swimsuit. "What if one of us was to be dumped?"
"It's a good point," agreed Lulu, lightly touching her shining blue hair, which was still wet with the intensive conditioning it'd been given. "That would be awkward."
"But why don't you just take a chance?" Malon asked, admiring her new manicure.
--
I hate getting my heart broken. I hate having to endure the pain, and it usually takes a long while to fade. I wouldn't want to put myself through that sort of pain, so I won't fall for him and I won't go out with him.
"Life's no fun if you don't take risks," sighed Link as he patted Valoo's head. "But I understand where you're coming from."
--
"Then why can't you just leave it?"
"Because you two are so completely meant for each other," gushed Malon. Zelda couldn't see her through the slices of cucumber covering her eyes, and tried not to scratch at the odd green facial mask they'd applied to her.
"We're not meant for each other."
"Why do you say she's meant for him, Mal? Or that he's meant for her?" came Lulu's voice from Zelda's other side.
--
It's all a coincidence anyway. I mean, me being sent here and having this drop dead gorgeous guy living in the same house as me really isn't a whim of fate. It's just… just coincidence.
"Drop dead gorgeous, eh?" Link was amused as he read on.
I don't believe in destiny and I don't believe I was sent here for any particular reason. Look at me, I've gotten so off track…
--
"…so can we stop talking about this now?" Zelda was irritated, even in the luxurious white bath robe she was in as she soaked her feet in the wonderful warm water.
"Fine," sighed Malon wiggling her toes. "What other topics of conversation do we have?"
"It's almost October," offered Lulu. "Bree Hampton is having a Halloween costume party. Are you going to go?"
"I might," Malon said. "If Darm wants to come. And you?"
"It would be fun. What about you, Zel?"
"Maybe. If I can find a suitable costume, anyway."
"Hmm…" Lulu fell into a thoughtful silence, and Malon cast a wary eye over the bronzed beauty.
"What are you thinking?"
"Well," Lulu began, choosing her words carefully, "I think it would be really cool if we all went to the party. And Zelda could drag Link along, but the problem is that they would both need costumes…"
"Yes, that's an issue, as Link and Zelda are both unimaginative."
"How are we back on this topic?" Zelda was jittery.
"Zelda, do you and Link have any funny inside jokes or any nick names for each other?"
"Well, kind of," said Zelda with a shrug. "Princess and Mr. Hero."
"That is so sweet!" squealed Malon. "I wish Darmani would call me Princess."
"It's not a compliment," Zelda responded wryly. "I dragged him out shopping one day and he called me a spoiled princess because I made him carry my bags, and I told him he went all hero on me and had offered to do so."
"That's weird," commented Lulu. "No romantic connotations?"
"None whatsoever. Like I said."
Malon sighed, and Zelda could just see stars in her eyes. "Still." She clasped her hands together by her cheek, looking up at the painted ceiling of the spa. "I wish Darmani would call me Princess."
"You're too fiery to be a princess," snickered Lulu. "You look more like a cowgirl to me."
"And you look like a fish," Malon snapped back good-naturedly.
"Those could be our costumes, then," piped up Zelda. "I'll be a princess, Mal can be a cowgirl, Lulu can be a fish…"
"A sexy fish," interjected Lulu, glowering at Malon.
"What about our dates?"
"Mikau can be a fish with you," offered Zelda.
Malon scowled. "Darmani looks more like a rock than a cowboy, though."
"So make him go as a rock. I'm sure it would crack people up."
"And Link can go as a hero," Lulu finished.
Malon grinned dreamily. "Yum. You've got yourself a good man there, Zel."
"He's not my man."
"But you wish he was," commented Lulu, reading the expressions on Zelda's face clearly.
--
"I wish I was," Link sighed as he tucked Zelda's journal back into its drawer and crept out of her room, the last entry he'd read ringing through his ears.
September 17
10:31 PM
Went out with Mal and Lulu today and got stuff for homecoming. They kept teasing me about Link and how much he'd like the dress I got but I told them to shut up because we're not like that, and I know we're not like that and he knows we're not like that, so why can't the rest of the world acknowledge that too? I mean, we live together, for Goddesses' sake, but it's not like we'd actually do anything, and there's no way I'd ever make him my " man", because too many things could go wrong too easily. So even if a little lonely part of me might want that, Link and I won't be like that. I've sworn to myself not to see him as boyfriend criteria and so far, I'm doing okay. But ugh, now I'm all frustrated and stuff and I don't know why. I think I'm going to read for a bit, then go to sleep. Bye.
"I wish we were like that."