It was really bloody unfair how well Crabbe was getting along with the Weasel. Honestly, Crabbe was his peon, not Weasley's. How dare Crabbe think he could just go and get stuck to a Gryffindor and then be happy about it! How dare he think they could just forget everything and be friendly? Ugh, it was infuriating. Crabbe was such a stupid bloody moron.

It was truly disgusting how easily Ron had managed to become accustomed to dragging Crabbe along with him everywhere in just one night. They even seemed, Harry shuddered, like friends. Honestly, he didn't see how they could be getting along so well. Their dilemma seemed much worse, and they hadn't been stuck with it any longer than he and Malfoy.

Harry was obsessed with what Crabbe and Ron did in the bathroom. His mind even dared to venture amazingly far on the roads of homosexual lovin' before it veered off to his own bladder. He shifted in the bed. Neither he nor Malfoy had been willing to admit they'd been awake for some time, but Harry could wait no longer.

"Malfoy I have to pee again."

"Can't you hold it Potter? I'm not sure I could go through the rigmarole with the sheet again."

"Don't you have to go?"

"Not bad enough to hear the tinkle of little drops from you."

"Ugh, Malfoy!"

"What? You mentioned…"

"Would you two shut up?" Ron was exasperated. "I'm trying to bloody sleep over here."

Crabbe grunted in agreement.

"Oh it's all well and good for you Weasel, you and Vin are doing just fine aren't you? You seem to function with the same brain. Get up. Pee. Go back to bed. I'm surprised you two aren't cuddling yet!"

Ron was out of bed in a second, wand raised, dragging a still sleep befuddled Crabbe over on to his bed in the process.

"Well that's one way to get him in your bed Weasel, but I doubt you had to do more than just ask. He's probably already missing his teddy."

"Draco…" Crabbe whined.

"Shut-up Malfoy," Ron said, looking a little astonished at himself for sticking up for Crabbe.

"Oh god," Harry whined, "Oh god. Oh god oh god oh god. You two aren't…Ron, you wouldn't…"

"Harry!" Ron yelled, then flushed and jerked Crabbe out of the bed to stand beside him. "Wake up you prat, and tell your God over there that we're not like that."

"It's good that you've finally acknowledged I'm god-like" Malfoy smirked.

"Shut up Malfoy!" Ron screeched.

"Like what Ron?" Crabbe asked.

Ron growled. "That we're not, you know, friends."

"I thought you said last night that we should try to be friends," Crabbe answered, confused.

Ron sighed. "Yes," he said, "but tell him that we're not being gay."

"Oh!" Crabbe looked really astonished, "We're not fucking."

Ron groaned, Harry choked, and even Draco looked a little nauseous.

"Come on Crabbe," Ron said resignedly. "I've got to pee."

That was all Harry could take. "How can you stand it!" he shouted. "How can you take the tinkling noise, and the closeness, and how are you doing it with one hand?"

Ron looked bemused. "You are a wizard aren't you Harry? You have heard of a silencing charm? And we just, make do with one hand." Ron blushed, "We're not helping each other, if that's what you thought."

Harry blushed. "Of course not," he said, but he had. What the hell is wrong with me? he wondered. In a normal course of days, he never would have suspected Ron of…helping, but things were going to be so far from normal from now on that Harry felt he couldn't really be sure of what was going to happen at all.

"Harry…" Ron said, when he and Crabbe walked back into the room. "Look I'm sorry that this is upsetting you, but we're gonna be stuck to these gits for who knows how long. I just thought that we should try and make the best of it. I thought I was being smart, logical, like Hermoine would."

Harry sighed, "No, you're right Ron"

"Not that I think you should try to get on with that slimy git." Ron said, gesturing at Mafloy.

Harry laughed, "I wouldn't worry about that. I'm sorry for snapping at you Ron, I was just freaking out about the uhm, bathroom—stuff."

"Oh my god, this is fucking heartwarming," Malfoy said.

"Shut-up Malfoy" Harry and Ron chorused.

Crabbe grunted, he looked like he couldn't decide whether to hit Ron or to agree with him.

"Look, I will not be abused just because you have bathroom issues Potter. Honestly, your nickname is Potty, it looks like you'd have it under control," Malfoy said.

Harry gritted his teeth, "That is not my nickname. You call me that. You're the only one who does."

Draco laughed. "Oh believe me Potty, I'm not."

"Shut-up Ferret boy," Ron said. "Or I'll bounce you around the Entrance Hall again. I learned the transfiguration special, just for you." He pulled his wand out of his robes.

Harry sighed. "Ron, you'd have to bounce me around too—and if you point that wand at Malfoy while I'm attached to him, I'm gonna hex you myself."

"Oh very nice Potter, threaten your friends when they stick up for you." Crabbe said.

Harry, Draco, and Ron stared at him in astonishment. He rolled his eyes.

"I need to eat," he said to Ron, "Or I'll get cranky-pants."

Malfoy nodded. "That's the truth," he said.

Harry looked at them both with horror.

"What Potter? I'm not allowed to know my friends?"

"Oh that's it, I'm done here." Ron announced, and led Crabbe out of the room.

"Very nice Malfoy, first you get me stuck to you and then you run my friends off with your constant bickering. You're such a girl."

Draco snorted, "Yeah, I'm the girl. Have you had a look at yourself lately?"

"Ugh!" Harry screamed, "Stop it! Why are you such a pain in the ass? Can't you just shut up?"

Draco pouted, "Yeah. I can. But it just so happens that I don't want to."

"Are you hungry?" Harry asked.

Draco's head whipped up to face him. "What?" he asked.

"I asked if you were hungry."

"I have to pee." Draco said.

"Oh." Harry said.

"I'm also dirty."

"No way Malfoy, I draw the line at showering. We're just gonna have to be dirty until this is all over"

"But—do you know a, I don't know, a cleaning charm or something? I can't just be dirty, it's gross."

Harry hung his head. "No, I never bothered. I like showers," he said.

Draco sneered, "I bet you do."

Harry looked at him with disgust, "E-w-h. Malfoy. You know, I bet Madame Pomfrey knows some spells. Sometimes sick people can't take baths."

Draco raised an eyebrow. "That's actually a good plan," he said. "Lets go see her before breakfast."

"Yeah," Harry said thoughtfully, "Ok. But first, I gotta pee."