It was a haggard face, dry and weary. Eyes red-rimmed and lips cracked from constant moistening. The hair was dingy, clearly dirty, and the robes were wrinkled into patterns that resembled the shapes cut into hedgerows. The hands shook slightly, but they held tight to the piece of parchment in them. But the mind, the weary, brilliant, care-worn, tired-to-death mind, was not prepared for what it saw when it entered the newest dormitory at Hogwarts. It could not handle the sight of snake and lion, Death Eater's sons and Dumbledore's children, twined in sleep on black leather couches, peaceful; the mind fell. The body collapsed just after the mind, and Severus Snape sat flat on his ass in the middle of the room.
The thump of the Potion's Master hitting the floor woke Harry and for a moment he stared at the scene in fascination, then he realized it wasn't a dream. "Professor!" he said worriedly.
The others woke, and each of them took in the picture of snarky old Snape flat on his ass in their room at their own pace. Snape remained where he sat, his eyes nearly closed, his hands braced behind him, his piece of parchment nowhere to be seen.
Eventually Harry hauled Draco off of the sofa and over to Snape to see if he was ok. When questioned, Snape nodded slowly. They picked him up and put him on their sofa, where he curled into a ball and promptly fell asleep. Harry looked at Draco incredulously. Draco shrugged. They collected a blanket from a bed and threw it over Snape, then got dressed and headed to the Great Hall for breakfast, leaving Ron and Crabbe to their potty rituals.
Harry had watched Ron and Crabbe suspiciously this morning, but he couldn't detect any further signs that they had become a couple. In a lot of ways Harry was glad. He didn't want to think that his friend could forget his affection for Hermoine so quickly, especially while she was still alive and there was some hope. In another way, Harry was sad that if they were a couple, as they seemed to be last night, they still felt the need to hide their affection. He decided he should really talk to Ron about it, but that was rather impractical when the object of the discussion couldn't get any farther than a step away; Draco was right, privacy bubbles were rude.
The "sky" of the Great Hall looked gorgeous, a cerulean blue that promised sun and a slight breeze before the front that would eventually bring rain. For a moment Harry longed for his broom and flight, until he remembered it was winter. This sky was most likely one of Dumbledore's attempts to trick the seasonal affective disorder out of his students. He was a wily one, that Dumbledore.
Harry hobbled Draco over to a window and they looked out over the misty, cold, shark-skin grey of the grounds. Draco grunted in displeasure, he really hated snow. Shuffling, Harry and Draco joined the Gryffindor table. It didn't occur to Draco to protest; it barely occurred to him to care. It was just a stupid table for a stupid meal at a stupid school that they would be leaving forever in a matter of months. It didn't matter at all anymore.
In the boys' washroom…
"I think we're gonna have to take a shower Vin." Ron said.
Crabbe sniffed under his arm, lifting Ron's arm as well. As their combined scents reached him, he swiftly turned his head. "Yeah man," he said tightly, holding his breath. "We should."
"So, I'm thinking we wear our swimsuits," Ron said.
"Brilliant, as usual," Crabbe replied.
Ron squirmed a little. "Vin, about last night on the couch. I—you see what I mean is, I'm not—" Ron paused to look over at Crabbe, who was doubled over in silent laughter. "Hey!" Ron said, laughing himself. "I'm trying to say something important here!"
Crabbe could not stop laughing.
Ron patted him on the back when he started to choke.
Crabbe took in a few gasping breaths and said, "You were just so serious, like you were telling me everyone I loved in the world just died. Look Ron, I know you're still hung up on Hermoine, hell, a lot of people are. I did what I did last night, because I want Draco and Harry to get together. That's all. If Draco's not comfortable touching Harry when we're around, then he'll never do it. Or, maybe if he sees us touching each other (because he knows that I'm not actually with you) then he'll feel like he can casually touch Harry too."
"Yeah," Ron said. "I figured that part out last night. Big duh."
Crabbe snickered. "Then why were you getting ready to do 'the speech' then?"
You're just so…complimentary and you do touch me all the time, and I don't know I just got a vibe.
Crabbe barely held himself back from another giggle fit. "Look Weasley, I hang around the dreaded Malfoy, or had you forgotten? There was a time when he used to get squidgy pants if you didn't compliment him all the time. I'm sure it's just a left over. And, I'm a touchy-feeler person, you're gonna have to get over that… it doesn't mean anything. As for the vibe, I do really like you man—but not like that."
Ron sighed. "What's wrong with me?"
"Huh?" Crabbe asked.
"Why don't you like me like that?"
"Well, cuz I'm not gay. Hello!"
"Oh, we always assumed you and Goyle…"
Crabbe's brow darkened. "Gregory and I were never that sort of friends."
Ron shrunk from the tone of Crabbe's voice.
"So do you think I'll have to call him Draco?" Ron said, trying to change the subject.
Crabbe laughed. "You may. Maybe you should practice."
Ron's eyebrow rose. "Draaaacoo," he said swoonily. "Draco!" he said angrily. "Draco," he said pleasantly. "Oh, Draaaaaacoo…" he moaned.
Crabbe's eyebrows rose painfully high.
"What?" Ron asked, then seemed to realize. "Oh, that last one was wishful thinking; he's so hot. I figure I'll probably be using the second one most though."
Crabbe shook his head sorrowfully. Why did his friends always turn out slightly mental?
"Oh, and Vin," Ron said, "It's touchy-feely—not feeler, and what the hell are squidgy pants?"
Well, Crabbe thought, maybe I turn them that way.
When Ron and Crabbe entered the Great Hall, Harry and Draco were sitting alone in a sea of empty seats in the middle of the Gryffindor table. Ron looked at Crabbe, clearly something had taken place here.
"Hey guys," Ron said. "Did you not get that shower in this morning?" he joked weakly, looking around at the other Gryffindors who were keeping their distance.
"No, we didn't, but that's not why those cowards are hanging back." Harry said.
Ron squirmed, he hated it when Harry went mental and used his scary voice like this.
Crabbe had no compunctions though. "So what the hell happened then?" he asked, flopping down on the bench opposite Harry and Draco. Ron sat as well.
Draco rolled his eyes. "Wonder boy over here broke their goblets and splashed them with juice."
Ron looked around, they did look rather—orange, and sticky. "All of them?" he asked.
"Yeah," Harry said tiredly.
"Detention?" Ron asked.
"A week," Harry said.
Crabbe was getting pissy, but if they were going to do this stupid back and forth 'I'm your bestest friend ever and I know everything you're going to say' thing, then he was going to get in on it to. And he was not jealous! No…
"What for?" Crabbe asked, thinking two words must be acceptable.
Harry snapped out of it. "For breaking the goblets."
"No shit. Why'd you break them?"
"Oh," Harry was taken aback, "They uh, they insulted…"
Draco snorted. "Me. They insulted me, with a side dish of threat."
Crabbe's fist automatically clenched, his eyes squinted, his teeth ground.
"Relax Vin," Malfoy said. "It's ok."
Still, it took Crabbe some time to back down. Ron was truly impressed. Looking around the Gryffindor table, Ron could imagine what had been said. He wasn't ashamed to admit he probably would have said it too, but he was surprised at how angry he was with the rest of them for doing it.
"What did they say?" he ground out.
Malfoy's head whipped up in surprise. "What?" he asked.
"What. Did. They. Say. To. You," he fumed a minute then added, "Two."
Harry squirmed, he hated angry Ron, it was scary.
Draco decided to try out this new Angry-on-his-behalf!Ron. It was interesting. "They called me a ponce, and told me that if I molested Harry they would beat it out of me later on. It was implied that they would show me a good time while they did it. I'm sure they didn't mean it Weasley. You Gryffs are big on the empty, but creative, threat."
"What!" Ron was astonished. This was not what he had imagined had been said. "What?" he said again.
"Ron," Harry said. "Please don't make another scene. Believe me, mine was bad enough."
Draco nodded solemnly. "He yelled quite a bit, though not in anyone's general direction. Then the goblets burst in their owner's faces, then he called your sister and that Kevin boy some very dirty names."
Ron drained completely, "Ginny?" he asked Harry.
Harry looked away, but nodded.
"Who else?" Ron asked.
Harry sighed. "Kevin, and some third years I don't know."
Ron looked around, he spotted her at the far end of the table. "Ginevra Weasley," he yelled, "Get your ass down here, right now! And bring your little fuck-muppet."
Kevin looked like he wouldn't comply, but Ginny was frantically pulling at his sleeve and motioning to Ron. Harry giggled—she should be scared. Draco looked up at the head table, but Dumbledore and McGonagall were the only ones still there, and they were determinedly ignoring the scene. Well, Dumbledore was. McGonagall was grinning at Ginny maliciously.
"Was it really necessary to hit him?" Harry asked, as they all walked back towards their dorm.
"Yes, it most definitely was," Ron smiled.
"But he was Ginny's boyfriend. Your mom will certainly hear about this."
"Oh, she will, she'll hear about it from me," Ron said.
Harry looked over at Ron.
Ron sighed, "Do you honestly think Percy is full straight Harry? Or Bill? Come on…that earring alone…anyway these things are supposed to be accepted here but that Kevin…Harry you do get what he was threatening to do to…"
Ron was beginning to get angry again.
"So, what was all that you were saying about Neville when you were pummeling Kevin?" Malfoy asked.
Ron looked surprised. "Did I talk about Neville?" he asked Harry.
Harry frowned, he nodded.
"Neville was Kevin's best friend," Ron said carefully. "Until, on my urging, he told Kevin what he really felt about him. Kevin seemed to take it well, but they were never close friends anymore. Then, during The Battle of Godric's Hollow, Kevin 'beat it out' of Neville. We couldn't prove he'd done it, it was a battle, anyone could have beaten him up." Ron paused. "Oh god!" he said, "Neville wasn't at the table, was he?"
Harry shook his head no.
"Oh, thank god for some things," Ron sighed.
Draco looked thoughtful, he stared at Ron. "I'd say it's a good job Ron," he said, "not subtle, but still satisfying."
Crabbe giggled a bit. Harry shook his head.
Ron looked over at Malfoy, "Thanks Draco," he said, and winked. Malfoy blew him a kiss, they both smiled.
"Can you believe this git is still asleep on our couch?" Ron said, grimacing at the potions master.
Crabbe snerked. "You liked him well enough last night," he said. "Oh professor Snape, no problem professor. Of course, professor."
Ron smacked him in the head.
"Would you two stop?" Harry said. "It's disturbing."
"Our love disturbs you Harry?" Ron asked innocently.
Draco choked. "Loovee?" he asked.
Crabbe scowled convincingly. "You have a problem with my love for the Weasel, Malfoy?"
Harry giggled.
Draco looked over at him like he was crazy.
Crabbe giggled.
Harry threw his arms around Crabbe and laughed uncontrollably. Ron and Draco looked at each other over their heads.
"Are you two done yet?" Ron asked a few seconds later.
"Jealous Ronnie?" Harry asked slyly.
Ron rolled his eyes. "Ok, fine. Vin and I do not share the love that dare not speak its name, but I will. We do not bump and grind, we do not do gay sex. Are you happy?"
"I'd be happier if you hadn't given me that image," Draco said.
Harry laughed. "Sure I'm happy, if you're happy. But I like Crabbe." Harry winked and pinched Crabbe's ass. "Can I have him?"
"Oi!" Crabbe shouted.
"I'm going to say something I haven't said in many years," a low voice said behind them. "Ewh!"
"Professor!" Ron said. The other three giggled, he shot them a shut-up! look.
"Mr. Weasley, where is my parchment?" Snape asked.
Ron looked befuddled. He glanced over at the other boys, they all shook their heads. "I, uh, don't have your parchment sir."
"Well then where the hell is it?"
"Uhm, in your office? Or…maybe your lab?"
"It's a workroom, not some mad scientist's lab, and I brought the parchment in here! Where is it?"
"Sir," Draco said, "Perhaps you dropped it when you fell down."
Snape glared daggers at him. "Well, what a kind suggestion. Find it then!" he snarked.
Draco pouted.
"Mr. Malfoy," he said, "it contains the formula for the potion that will separate you. If you don't find it, I refuse to make the calculations again."
Draco immediately dropped to his knees, causing Harry to follow him. They looked under the bed, while Crabbe and Ron crawled around looking under the sofas.
"Here it is!" Crabbe bellowed. He handed it to Ron and motioned towards professor Snape with a wink. Ron rolled his eyes and handed it over.
"Thank you, Mr. Weasley," Snape said. Ron blushed, and the others giggled again. Snape looked at all of them suspiciously. When the professor walked to the window to read the parchment again, Ron hit all three of them. It didn't stop the giggles.
"So," Snape said. "I'll need some scrapings of skin from the affected areas to test the potion on. I'm confident that you'll be able to take it tonight though, so you boys should enjoy your last day together," he sneered derisively. The boys looked at each other with evil grins. They flew into each other's arms and turned round and round in circles, heaving great fake sobs and kissing each other's necks.
Snape ran away.