Ch. 24 Inside Your Head

"Hey," he greeted softly, grabbing her attention as it was clear she hadn't heard him arrive.

"Hi." she returned, and rose to her feet. "I was worried about you; I didn't see you."

"You shouldn't worry about me."

"Better be careful; you sound like Sonny." she joked, trying to lighten the mood. It didn't work.

"I'll get you out of here." he stated.

"Jason, I-" she paused as he motioned for her lower her voice, as if he already knew what she was going to say to him. She did as he asked and stepped closer so he could still hear. " I did this."

Jason sighed and ran his hand down his face. That was the hardest thing of them all for him to register; that Courtney actually shot Ric. He didn't believe for a second that she would ever or could ever premeditate and carry out a murder. She hadn't told him the whole story.

"What else happened there?" he asked. " I know that you haven't told me everything."

"It doesn't-It doesn't matter, Jason." she said turning away from him, and leaning her back against the bars. "All that matters is…is Ric's dead."

Jason did not know what to do. Once again he was back to thinking about how much the dead man was still hurting the people he loved. She wasn't even looking at him, but he didn't have to see her face to know that the pain was etched into it's features. He reached his arm through an opening and placed it on her shoulder. He squeezed it gently, doing all he could to let her know he was there for her. Courtney's slender hand traveled up to the same shoulder and laid atop his hand. She let out a shaky breath before she spoke again.

"How did we get here?" she asked him, as if reading his thoughts.

"I…" he started, wishing he had an answer. God, how he wished he had the answer. But he didn't, and the word fell away into the silence as if it had never been said.

"We had everything." she stated. "Well, almost everything."

Jason inhaled a deep breath. He knew what she meant. He was almost afraid to remain in the room; to hear her rip open the wound and mercilessly blame herself. It wouldn't help her present situation or state of mind to think about that.

"Courtney-"

"I think about her, you know. All the time." she turned around and met his eyes. "Do you, Jason? Do you think about her at all?"

"Everyday." he answered in a whisper, ignoring the stinging sensation of fresh tears as they fought to escape.

"What would she think of me now? What-What would our little girl think of her mother?" she asked him, her lip shaking slightly as the emotions began to overwhelm her.

She rested her forehead against the cool metal, causing the center of Jason's chest to be all that was visible to her. Courtney closed her eyes and let the simplicity of his scent come over her. With them closed, she could almost imagine being in his arms. Arms that could wrap around her and shield out the world. And God knew if she would ever be in those arms again. Now that she had turned down his offer, Baldwin was sure to do everything he could to get the maximum punishment for her. With the thought in mind, she pulled back from the bars and out of Jason's reach.

"You should get home." she said wiping the few tears that managed to fall away. He opened his mouth and she knew he was about to protest. "I'm not going anywhere tonight, and I'll feel better if I know one of us is comfortable."

"I won't be comfortable; I could never be comfortable. Not without you near me." he admitted.

"Go home, please." she said. He stood still and she could see that the situation was truly hurting him. But he wouldn't leave her behind. He had always told her that he would never left her behind again, not after what happened in South America. He never left her behind . "Jason, please leave. Don't make me call the guard, please."

"I'll be back tomorrow, "he consented. " first thing."

She nodded and watched him back away. His eyes never leaving hers, he continued to step further away from her until he had no choice but to turn around. She sat down on the small mattress supplied and let out a long sigh as she put her head in her hands. Sniffling a tear, she lifted her head and looked up towards the ceiling.

Not at the ceiling exactly, but beyond it. Wondering if somewhere up there, her baby girl was watching her. Seeing the mother she was almost cursed with.