Ch. 33 Am I Missing

Closer and closer.

It was getting closer to the assigned day. The day she would sit watching and listening to the people doing their best to either pardon or condemn her. Only another day before she was to attend the foolish spectacle.

Was this what the prisoners on death row did? Sit in their isolation and contemplate the time life? She didn't see how they couldn't. If you knew the exact date and time you were to die, how could you not calculate your remaining time down to the second. Every second that ticked by would be another second nearer to the controlled fate. There was a reason the knowledge was naturally kept from them.

But unlike an inmate on death row, Courtney was not dreading or fearing the date; she wasn't exactly going to go skipping into the courtroom either. Indifferent; that was the word. She wasn't really feeling one way or the other about it. What was going to happen, was going to happen; that's all she could say. Wherever her life went from there, she didn't know, it was out of her hands.

Jason asked her to fight. Fight to get back to him, fight for their love, fight for her self. It seemed like all her life, all she ever did was fight. The only thing that ever happened that didn't feel like a battle to her, was when she fell in love with Jason. But that didn't last long, as she had to fight for it as well. Against Sonny, A.J., and even Jason himself. Look where all that got her now. It only added to the horrid pattern of her life. Battling for something and ultimately losing it in the end. She remembered a time back in the beginning that Jason told her to stop fighting because there was nothing to fight for. He hadn't meant it and she knew that, so she kept at it. Doing everything she could to save what she felt was there.

What would have happened if she had listened to him? Where would they be? Happy? Sad? Alive? Dead? There was no way to know, just as she didn't know what lay ahead of her this time. Maybe she would take the advice now. Maybe she didn't want to fight anything anymore. But maybe she should at least make the effort.

For Jason. She could try for him; for her husband. She knew it was killing him; her sitting back and just letting everything happen without a word. But if he saw her fight and fail, that would be devastating to him also. Her entire life had whirled out of control, and there was little if any chance to get it back on track. The one thing she did know, she'd relinquished any and all control over her life when she pulled the trigger.

He took a step towards his destination but stopped and turned around. After a few feet in the opposite direction, he stopped again. Jason ran a hand down his face and turned back around again. He was driving himself crazy. His conversation with Justus rolling over and over again in his head. He needed to talk to her. He wouldn't be able to believe it unless she told him; unless he heard her say it. But so far he found himself unable to even enter the building.

How could he do it? How could he ask her to lean on him if he could barely stand with it on his own?

After taking in and letting out a deep breath, he made up his mind. All he could do was let her know he was there. That she could trust him with anything. No matter what happened or how bad it was, he was there and they would get through it together.

Jason quickly opened the door and all but threw himself through the entrance to make sure he couldn't think twice about it. He released another deep breath, that was one hard thing done. But certainly not the hardest. But now that he'd taken the first step, he had to figure out how he was going to take the next.

Talk to her; that was obvious.

But this wasn't some casual conversation he was heading into. It wasn't asking someone how their day had been or what they'd had for lunch. It was something much bigger than that; bigger than them both. But it didn't matter, because he knew that they could survive it. If it's even true, that is. In his thought process, Jason caught sight of Mac Scorpio exiting his office and an idea sparked in his head. With the notion, he quickly traveled towards the older man.

"Mac." he said upon approaching him.

"Jason." he replied with a nod by way of greeting. "I assume you're here to see Courtney."

"Yeah." he nodded to him.

"Right, well you know where to find her. Talk to Officer Truman over there he's got cell duty, he'll take care of you." he instructed nonchalantly and began to walk away, looking at the open folder in his hands. Jason took a few strides, putting himself in the man's way.

"That's what I need to talk to you about." he said, regaining his attention. "I have a favor to ask."

The commissioner looked at him curiously as he made the statement. It wasn't like Jason Morgan to ask a favor of anyone, least of all a member of the law enforcement. Though as a member of the police force, he knew he should immediately dismiss the man and make it clear that he couldn't bend or compromise anything for him; that he should be the police officer and be the authority. But his curiosity was greater than his obligation, so he made up his mind to at the very least hear what it was he wanted. It didn't mean he would oblige.

"Alright, Morgan." he said, "What is it?"

The uniformed man opened the door and gestured for her to go inside. She did so, entering the familiar room that she was last in while having yet another argument with her older brother. Courtney didn't know what she was doing there, but she didn't ask. She had asked him what was going on when he first approached her and let her out of the God-awful cell she'd been residing in. He hadn't answered her than, so she figured not to bother again.

There was a reason for it, so she sat down and decided to just wait to see what was what. It wasn't unwelcome to be somewhere outside of her assigned abode. But of course, she wasn't able to actually enjoy the small amount of freedom. With the handcuffs placed back on her wrists and the unsightly outfit she wore, it was impossible to forget where she was.

"Huh. This is different." the voice said. She didn't want to look up, knowing she would be seeing him again. But against her better judgment, she did so anyway. He stood at the far end of the room and began walking around, looking at the room as if he were a kid back in his old bedroom after being away at college. "Well, I wonder what all this is about."

She put her elbows on the table and leaned her face into her hands, wondering why this had to keep happening. She didn't know much about dying, but weren't dead people supposed to move along to some other place? When someone died, people described them as 'gone', but the man wasn't in the least bit gone. As if he could read her mind and see that she wanted him no where near her, Ric sat down in the chair across from her.

"What do you think?" he asked amused as a kid trying to guess his surprise. When she didn't answer, he leaned forward, resting his chin on his hand and continued. "Think maybe big brother pulled some strings?"

"Leave." she ordered in a whisper, knowing that if she shouted it everyone on the other side of the door would most likely hear her.

"Come on," he said, " I don't get to see what happens?"

"No."

"Well, that's not fair." he said, feigning offense. "What did I ever do to you?"

The woman lifted her head from her palms and glared at him upon hearing the words. She caught eyes with the annoying image that continued to come to her, wishing looks could kill, even someone that was already dead. Once she did, realization came across his face and he threw his head back to let out yet another chilling laugh.

"Oh, that." he replied laughingly with a clap of his hands before walking to her side of the table and leaning against it. "That's right, you're still upset about that, I forgot. In all fairness you did shoot me, hell, you killed me. Between the two of us, I think I should be the one mad at you."

She put her head back down, trying to tune him out and began to wonder if there was even a reason she was in there. There had to be, and she wished whatever she was waiting on would just happen. Mainly that whoever was supposed to be coming through the door would just do it already. Anyone was better company then annoying apparition.

"You're not going to even listen to me now?" he asked amused. "That doesn't seem fair; not giving me time out of your life when you ended mine."

"Life's not fair." she mumbled in response.

"Now you're getting it; life's not fair." he said with a smile. "Of all people I know that, and I'm going to tell you something; it's a real kicker."

He lifted himself away from the table and faced the same direction she was. Placing one hand on the flat surface and another on the back of her chair, he leaned in closer and spoke in a low voice to her. Low enough that , even if other people were in the room and could see him, she would be the only one hearing his words.

"Pretending it didn't happen isn't going to make any of it go away. This, "he said, removing his hand from the chair and placing it on the specific spot of her back. The contact sent a shiver to travel up her spine, and made her skin crawl. But that went unnoticed compared to what she felt at the place his hand lay. She felt the throbbing pain from the contact with the tender area. She sucked in a sharp breath as he put more pressure on it and continued speaking. "for example, is one thing that won't go away simply by willing it to."

She heard the doorknob turn and immediately felt Ric's absence. She let out a deep breath, relieved that the ghost, or hallucination, or whatever the man was had left. Courtney cautiously looked up to see her blue eyed husband enter with the commissioner behind him.

"You're probably wondering why you're here." Mac said to her, to which she nodded. "Jason informed me that you two are married now. So here's the deal, I've decided to allow you two a private visit in here. No cuffs, no cell, no supervision. I'm being extremely generous here, so I expect no funny business. There will be guards posted outside the door in case you decide to try something. Can you promise me I won't regret this?"

"Yeah." she said to him, giving him a small smile of gratitude when he took the handcuffs off. "Thanks."

"Yeah, well, just remember your promise." he said, turning away and pointing his finger at Jason. "That goes for you as well. Nothing."

Jason nodded and closed the door behind the man after his exit. He quickly made his way across the room and engulfed her in his arms. He couldn't describe how great it felt to have her in his arms and feel hers around him. The man pulled back to gaze at her. He caressed her face with his hands, indulging in the softness of her skin. Taking after him, she placed her hands on either of his cheeks, looking in to his eyes and feeling the corners of her mouth turn up in small smile.

"You may kiss your bride."