A.N: wow! this is the last one, now is all caught up with LN when it comes to my story. damn, i didn't know they were this far apart. now their even! hope you like!

Ch. 45 The One To Hold On To

Jason woke to the sound of movements coming from downstairs. His first reaction was that someone had got in. That it wasn't Courtney because she'd be able to get around in the dark without making any noise in her home. Then he had to remind himself that she didn't know the penthouse as her home. He quickly dressed and made his way to the stairs in the dark. He decided to keep the element of surprise on his side in case it actually wasn't her.

Once he stood on the steps, the scent of something burning reached his nose. A fire? Couldn't have been a big one, otherwise the detectors would have been going off. He quickened his pace on the steps until he reached the living room where he could see the source of the smell. The flames were dancing freely within the restricted space of the fireplace. Thanks to the light it gave off, he was easily able to see her figure silhouetted near it. He approached, the sound of his bare feet padding against the floor as he no longer cared to keep quiet and didn't want to startle her by showing up out of no where.

"Courtney." he called softly to her before looking at the clock. Nearly three in the morning. "What's wrong? What are you doing up? It's late."

"I couldn't sleep." she replied, simply.

Jason nodded even though he knew she wasn't able to see the action. He continued to approach the area near the fireplace where she sat on the ground, a blanket wrapped around her shoulders and lowered himself to the ground to join. The small amount of light the fire gave was just enough to illuminate her face as she gazed at it.

"How come?" he asked, in the same soft voice.

"It was cold." she answered.

"Cold?" he repeated, questionably. He knew that he didn't have the same comprehension of the temperature as a normal person did, but he knew it was in the midst of summer. According to Carly, the penthouse was at the perfect temperature to keep comfortable during the weather. Then he questioned why he hadn't been suspicious that she built a fire and took another look at the blanket she wore. "If you're cold, we can turn up the temperature until your comfortable."

"It won't help." she informed.

"Why not?"

"It just won't." she said again. "I've been sitting here for a while trying to make it go away. It hasn't worked. I don't feel any warmer."

"Do you want another blanket?" he offered.

"It's like the fire isn't there." she continued as if he hadn't asked his question. "I don't feel any heat. I tried, though."

She pulled her hand out from behind the cover and stared at it. Jason took a guess at what she was implying and reached out, gently taking a hold and examining it. It was difficult to clearly see, but he was able to make out a small burn on her palm. Nothing serious.

"Are you ok?" he asked concerned. He heard a dry chuckle from her that quickly transformed into a stifled sob.

"No." she replied honestly, facing him for the first time. "I really don't think so. I don't feel it. I don't feel anything. I know why, though. I know why I can't get warm."

"W-Why?" he asked, clearing his throat. "Why?"

"It's my soul, Jason." Courtney responded, catching him off guard with her answer. "My soul is cold; numb."

Jason didn't know what to say to her revelation. It wasn't something he was an expert on. All he knew was where he had been before and what he felt at the time. Anger. Anger and hatred towards everyone who tried to help him. Family, friends, doctors; anyone. But he couldn't recall ever believing what she'd described about himself.

"I'm not ok." she said again.

A moment of silence past where all Jason could do was watch her, worrying about the conclusions and theories going through her head.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Anything." he assured, trying to help in which ever way he could.

"How did you ask?"

"Ask?" he repeated, confused.

"Did you plan it out, or was it spur of the moment?"

"I don't understand, Courtney."

"Did you get down on your knee?" Her questioned answered Jason's. Was that what she remembered? Their engagement? That didn't happen in the park. Even so, she knew about it.

"I, uh, I planned it. It was here, in the penthouse. There were rose petals and candles and Carly distracted you while I got it together. I got on one knee and I asked you to marry me."

"And I said yes?" she said, in more of a statement then a question.

"You said yes."

"Why didn't you tell me? Why did I have to find out on my own?" she asked, wanting the truth from him.

"I guess, I just didn't want you to feel obligated to remember it. I didn't want to pressure you."

"Pressure me?" she asked. "But don't you think I deserved to know something that important? Did you think I couldn't handle it?"

"No, that's not it-"

"What do you do?" she interrupted.

"What?" he asked, taken by surprise by the change in the subject.

"Bodyguards, Jason?" she asked. "What do you do that requires bodyguards?"

"It's complicated."

"Complicated." she repeated, like the word disgusted her; the same answer Carly gave her. Dropping the blanket she quickly rose to her feet. "Too complicated for me, you mean?"

"No." he immediately protested, rising to his full height as well. "It's hard to explain."

"What what the engagement was; hard to explain? Is that why I wasn't told?"

"No. I didn't want you to push yourself. If I told you right away, you would've tried forcing yourself into the role you thought you needed to play. And if it didn't work, you'd get angry and you'd push the people trying to help away. You'd resent yourself for not being able to be who they want you to."

"You don't know that!"

"I do know that!" he shouted back. "I know that because I've been there. I know what it's like to not know who you are; to try so hard to remember and hate yourself because you can't."

"You've been through this?" she asked and he nodded. "What happened?"

"A few years ago, I got in a car accident. I didn't know who or what I was. They said I wouldn't be able to feel any sort of emotion. Except anger, I had that one down to perfection. But fear, love, grief, I was never supposed to genuinely know what it felt like. I tried to be who everyone needed, and I only ended up hurting them and myself the more I tried. I shoved the people who cared away from me and I found myself alone and in a dark place." He explained, recalling his past. "I still haven't remembered, but I've come to terms with it, and I'm a better person than I was then."

"You couldn't feel? But you love her?"

"You." he corrected as she described herself as another person. "It was you. You let me feel things I've never felt before."

"Jason, it wasn't me. You know that." she explained. "I'm-I'm only her face. I'm not Courtney; not the one you love, the one you need."

"You're here. That's all I need. Just talk to me, let me know what you're feeling." he said softly.

"Feeling." she whispered, and the man nodded.

Her eyes held his, the deep blues seemed darker than she thought they were. Breaking from them she found herself soon staring at his lips. Courtney remembered the kiss in the rain. That was what she wanted feel. The way she felt in the park.

Moving on it's own, her face slowly inched closer to his. The space between them slowly vanishing until she was mere centimeters from his face. Close enough to feel the heat radiating from his face. But she didn't move any closer. What if it wasn't what he wanted. What if-

Before she could finish the thought, Jason's lips were landing softly against hers. This kiss was different, she didn't feel complete or at peace. Courtney felt hunger. It was as if something inside her woke up and told her a simple kiss wasn't going to be enough. Using all his strength, Jason was able to pull back from her.

"I'm sorry." he said, softly. "I shouldn't-"

Courtney interrupted his sentence as her lips came crashing against his once more.