Fear and the Savior

Disclaimer: All of this is based upon the lovely J.K. Rowling's work.

(…): Random thoughts or ideas

Italics: Thoughts and emphasis

Bold: Emphasis

AN: Um… a warning. This chapter has some slight language in it.

Most of my life I have been afraid … of the Dursleys, of my muggle classmates and Dudley's gang … and later on when I was at Hogwarts I feared the Wizarding World and their biased views.

I am just a bloody coward.

Hell, I was even afraid of myself. I feared what I would become… who I could become.

I was afraid when I discovered the prophecy. I admit it.

I was afraid, when I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that all it came down to was him and me. That at most, only one of us would walk away.

I was afraid. Fear … it burned in my blood and I wept (I admit that too).

I tasted it (coopery with a hint of malice) … I smelled it (like death clinging to the very air I breathed)… Great Maker I felt it (scorching its way through my veins all the way to my heart).

The knowledge that I had to face down one of the greatest wizards in history … The knowledge that I was to become either murdered … or a murderer…

I knew that I would lose. I mean, how could I possibly win? How could I possibly defeat him … he was so much older, so much more versed in magic than I. How could I defeat him … when I had no confidence, no faith in myself … when I had everything to lose (my friends, my family, my life) and almost nothing to gain?

I knew that even by some miniscule oddity of fate, if I won … ultimately I would lose. The Wizarding World would again abandon me, they wouldn't need me anymore. My friends would leave; I just knew that they would. There were never really with me at all.

And my family (not counting the Dursleys, for I have severed all ties with them), well they were mostly dead. My parents, my grandparents, Sirius (well, I thought so at the time). All that was left was Remus … but even then I was afraid. I thought … I feared that something would happen to him and he would be taken from me. Which in away my fear was realized except he didn't die like I thought he would.

I was just so very I afraid.

And it happened. And then he happened. He came back to me.

He saved me from myself.

He believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. He protected my when I couldn't (or wouldn't) protect myself.

I owe my life to my father, not James the other one (though I guess you could say James as well). The whole bloody, backstabbing Wizarding World owes itself to my father, Sirius … one of the only people who had ever helped me. One of the precious few who had ever really known me (not that bloody Boy-Who-Lived façade), and probably the only person currently alive that actually loves me.

They, all of them, owe everything to someone they fear, to someone they think is a demon incarnate.

Ironic isn't it.

But then … irony is one of the things Sirius does best.

Sirius … he made it all okay again. He made me okay again.

He chased away the nightmares and the horrors. He battled my inner demons when I wasn't strong enough. He made my fear melt away.

…And through it all, there was a smile on his face.

I look at the Wizarding World … the betrayers, the backstabbers, the confused, the curious … I look at them all … and they have called me villain and monster and hero and savior. But I am not really any of those. I am just a boy (well, a man now) and friend and son … who tried to do the right thing.

I am not the hero … no, I am most definitely not. I am not a savior. If you want one of those you will have to look elsewhere … look to my father. He's the hero, the savior …

And, sadly, no one but me will ever know.

Nora01: Thank you! Yes, you are correct. We can't have Remus as the bad guy now, can we?

ReginaLucifer: Thanks. Don't worry, those traitors will their comeuppance. On another note, I just couldn't have Remus as a bad guy. I love him too much for that.

Ever Hopeful,

Azar