Forgive and Forget

Disclaimer: All of this is based upon the lovely J.K. Rowling's work.

(…): Random thoughts or ideas

Italics: Thoughts and emphasis

He's in there, in that room. He's just behind the door. I know that he is still there because Alastor has kept his eye on him the entire time, quite a disturbing concept actually.

But he's still in there, waiting … watching; just like I have been for the past year. I have waited for this moment. I have prayed for this moment. I have begged and pleaded for this moment.

…And now … I have no idea what to say.

What can I say? I loved him so much (and I still do). I love him; he is my father in everything that matters. But he left me!

And I hated him deep inside. I hated that he ignored me. I hated that he left me. I hated that he chose her over me. But in the very depths of my mind… I prayed that it was a mistake or maybe a spell. That he didn't really mean any of it.

And now I know that it was. That he really didn't mean to leave, that he was forced into it. He didn't mean any of it. He didn't mean to hurt me, to mock me … to say all those horrible things … to tell me that he hated me and that he wished I had died instead of Sirius (not that he is really dead, but still…).

Sirius stands besides me, his hand on my shoulder. I look into his eyes and see the blue and silver fire burning. He is thinking exactly the same thing (well, maybe not the exact thing). Siri is thinking about what he did … about how he abandoned me, about how he chose little Nymphie over me.

And, yet, deep in his heart … Sirius knows that it isn't his fault, just as I know it.

I sniffle then and a tear tries to make its way down my face, but I hastily wipe it away. I feel Sirius squeeze my shoulder, trying to comfort me. But I merely sniffle again.

I quickly glance around the room to see if anyone else has noticed. Alastor is in the corner, one eye (the magical one) focused on the other room and the other eye on the Quibbler article that he is reading. Trelawney, Flitwick, Fawkes, and the Sorting Hat are here as well. All four are at the table, playing poker with what looks like a tarot card deck (which is quite an amazing feat because that blasted hat as it has no hands).

And Luna … she is right beside me, her hand on my back rubbing soothing circles. She knows, she saw … but does not comment. What can she possibly say?

It just hurts so badly. Knowing that it was all a façade doesn't make it hurt any less. It doesn't dull the pain. It only intensifies it…

I should have known. I should have figured it out sooner. How could I not have known? Remus loves me… he would never willingly betray me! How did I miss it? Was I so consumed by the other betrayals that I figured … what's one more? Great Maker, how did I miss the signs?

How did I not know?

I can feel an arm slip around my waist as my tears finally begin to fall. She whispers to me and wipes them away with her free hand, "It will be alright, love. I am here. Everything will be alright."

But deep inside … I am so afraid that Luna is wrong. Maybe it will never be alright again.

But I have to go in there. I have to speak to him. I have to tell him the truth, tell him that I forgive him, that I hate him … that I love him … that I just want him back in my life, that I need him.

I have to tell him but everything that has occurred in the past year keeps coming to the forefront of my mind … the hurtful words, the arguments, the betrayals, the abandonment. It all keeps coming back. I just can't forget it … any of it.

I can't forget. I can forgive, I have forgiven (him at least). But I can never, ever forget.

…And that thought only makes me cry harder.

Ever Hopeful,

Azar