Ch. 51 Be No Rest

She sat on the couch, now changed into a pair of sweat pants and a loose fitting shirt. She sat in the silence of the empty room. Carly Went across the hall to change as well, promising to be back in two minutes at the most. Courtney didn't pay her much attention, only nodded to her statement so she would do what she had to do without thinking she was abandoning her or something.

She didn't want a babysitter, but she didn't really want to be alone either. Alone all she had were her thoughts. Thoughts and questions. Questions she couldn't answer; thoughts she didn't want to have. The door opened and Carly reentered the apartment.

"That's better." she said with a smile, meaning the clothes she now wore. "You know, dresses and heels are fun, but give me a good pair of jeans and I'm just as happy."

The woman took a seat on the other side of the furniture. Without looking her way, Courtney knew she was being watched. She could feel the woman's eyes on her. She hoped if she ignored her, she would stop. But after a few minutes, it seemed it wasn't going to happen.

"I'm fine." Courtney said, not looking at her.

"I never said you weren't."

"Then can you stop looking at me like I'm the saddest thing you've ever seen?" she asked, turning to look at her.

Carly apologized and looked away from her as she requested. The silence in the room was heavy to her. But the woman didn't want to upset her friend. When she heard the woman give a small sigh, she felt she couldn't stay quiet much longer. She opened her mouth to speak, but quickly closed it deciding not to. Then just as quick she turned back to her to speak.

"You don't have to pretend, you know." Carly said. "About being ok."

"Who says I'm pretending?"

"Sweetie, I've been there. Every time Sonny has to go work I do what you're doing. I pretend I'm fine with it, but what I really want to do is grab him and beg him to stay with me and stay safe. But I know it would only make it that much harder for everyone. So I just smile, kiss him goodbye and tell him I love him." she explained to her.

Carly watched her as she listened to the words. She saw the question come across her face briefly. What did the guys do that caused her to worry so much? It was a good question. One that deserved an answer. She just didn't think it was her place to tell her something so big. Even so, that wasn't what they were talking about right now.

"You don't always have to be strong." she said, leaning her elbow on the back of the couch, looking straight into the blue eyes. For a moment, if it was even long enough to be called a moment, the shield dropped. Then it was back. It happened so fast. If she'd blinked she would have missed it. But Carly saw.

Saw the emotion in her troubled eyes. Fear. Pain. Confusion. Frustration; all of it swirled about underneath the guard of her orbs. Suddenly, as if she knew she'd been seen by the woman, Courtney got up from the couch and walked away from her. Her arms instinctively wrapped around herself as she stepped. her sister-in-law saw the action and immediately recognized it. She'd seen her do it before and knew it meant she was closing off; retreating inside herself.

"Courtney," she started following her. "don't do that."

"Do what?"

"Shut yourself off from your feelings; the people that care about you." she replied, but the woman shrugged her statement off and continued her trek.

Carly reached out and caught her by the forearm, turning her back around. She then put her hands up in surrender when the woman pulled her arm away. Her feet took her back a few steps, putting some space between them. The last thing she wanted to do was make her feel trapped.

"Sorry," she apologized to her. "I'm sorry. It's just- I don't want to see you run away. Because once you start, you'll just keep running until one day there's nowhere left to go. And that's when everything you've tried to get away from catches up with you all at once. So please just-"

"Just what, Carly? Stop?" she asked her, letting out a dry laugh. "You have to be going somewhere before you can stop."

Her response caught the woman off guard. It was obvious on her face that she was surprised. Like Courtney was just expected to listen and nod; not have anything to say for herself. And why wouldn't they expect that?

"I can't stop, because I'm not going anywhere. I haven't moved. I haven't gone forward, and i can't even look back." she explained.

"Of course you've moved forward." Carly claimed. "You've come a long way."

"Why do you think that, huh? Because I can answer to my name? Or maybe because I'm not curled up in the corner? Is that the great progress I've made?" she asked sarcastically.

"I-"

The door opened interrupting Carly before she could really start. The women turned see the blue eyed man entering the room. He looked briefly between the two most important women in his life and could tell something was up. He decided that it had something to do with what happened earlier that night. He would admit it had him on alert. Jason didn't know what he'd have done if the shooter had actually tried to hit someone. He might not have anyone to come home to. The thought alone was too much for him. Fortunately, that wasn't the case and no one was hurt.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"Nothing we can't talk about tomorrow." Carly excused, looking at the woman for a moment. "It's been a long day, I'm ready for bed."

"Sonny's at home." he informed her.

"Great. See you tomorrow." she said to them and made her exit.

"Are you ok?" he asked, putting his hand on her cheek.

"I'll be fine." she replied. "Actually I'm tired, too."

"Alright, we'll go up to bed." he offered, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear.

"We?" she repeated, her ears perking up at the word. "As in us sleeping in the same bed?"

"Only if you want." he said, hoping she would be ok with it. Maybe he shouldn't have just assumed they would. But then again, how could he not after what happened between them.

"That sounds nice." she answered.

"Ok." he said, grinning.

They went upstairs to the master bedroom where Jason quickly changed and climbed into bed with the blonde. The man gently wrapped his arm around her as she lay facing away from him. Putting his face closer to her, he felt himself relax as he inhaled her sweet scent.

"Courtney?" he whispered softly.

"Yeah?" she whispered back, still facing away.

"Are you sure you're ok?" he asked, lifting his head.

"I told you, I'm fine." she answered, placing her hand over his.

"Really?"

She laid in the dark silence of the room for a moment, considering her answer. She didn't want to lie. But at the same time she didn't want him to have to fuss all over her.

"I just need you to hold me." she said honestly.

The man threatened his hold and put a kiss on her shoulder before laying his head back down. She felt herself relax under his touch. But as nice as it was to have him holding her so warmly, what she really wanted him to do was take it away. But he couldn't. The anger The questions. Most of all at the moment, the nightmares. Even when she didn't recall her dreams, she could always tell when she woke up that they hadn't been good ones. There hadn't been a night yet that she'd peacefully slept through.

She took a deep breath and dug her head deeper into the soft pillow. The relaxation spread through her body and she knew she was dangerously close to falling asleep. Courtney closed her eyes and, with her last waking thought, prayed for a dreamless slumber.