"It takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has. But it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all." Dashboard Confessional "Carve Your Heart Out Yourself"

Ch. 51 When They're Talkin To You

She couldn't get out. The door was locked. She'd tried the handle; it was definitely locked. She was stuck. Trapped in the room. The only form of light was the stream that crept in through a small window on the locked door. Other than that, she was completely surrounded by dark. It was the darkest black she'd ever seen.

She pressed herself against the barrier and looked out the glass. People. She could see various people just outside the confinement. They didn't see her. She slapped her hand against the door, hoping someone would hear. Nothing. The began to walk by without so much as a glance in her direction. She hit the door again, this time with a closed fist. And again, no one seemed to care.

Anger, fear, panic, all began to establish within her. She began to pound harder on the door, desperate to get out. It was like the harder she tried to get their attention, the quicker they went by. Pretty soon, she could barely call them people; just a blurred mess passing by. It was like the entire world was running by at an impossibly fast speed.

Her emotions swelled to the point of erupting. She wanted out. She needed out.

She pulled herself back and kicked, she rammed her shoulder against it, doing everything she could think of to try and get through.

Pounding and fighting the prison, the woman began to call out. Screaming and shouting at the top of her lungs. She cursed God and the devil, heaven and hell, everything on Earth to nothing at all. Whatever was responsible.

She could feel her hands going numb from the repeated attacks on the door. Every time she made contact with the thick wood, the sound echoed at an unrealistic volume. The thunderous sound hit her ears and made her scream louder. So much noise. All she wanted was out.

Then it went silent. In a flash, there was no more sound.

She felt herself screaming, but heard no noise. She continued the one sided beating, but still heard nothing.

She stopped, feeling the angry tears begin to fall, and grabbed fistfuls of her hair in frustration. As she did, she heard a voice cut through the silence.

Courtney woke with a gasp, finding herself in the bright bedroom. She sat up in the bed, and knew immediately that she was alone. She didn't have to look to know that Jason was not there. Last night she'd hoped that maybe sleeping together; sleeping in his arms, might help. If nothing else, at least he would be there when she woke up.

She fell back down against the bed and covered her head with the pillow. Smashing it against her face, she groaned angrily into it. Against her hopes and prayers, it happened. Again she'd woken up from her sleep covered in sweat and breathing as if she'd been running for miles. Another restless night to add to her growing collection. It was more than enough to make her scream. She didn't think she was asking for too much, hardly anything. It wasn't like she demanding a perfect dream full of fairy tales and happy endings. She would be just as happy with no dreams at all. If she could just close her eyes at night and then open them in the morning. Nothing in between. If only.

She threw off the covers and pulled herself out of the bed. She changed and went downstairs, wanting something to take her mind off the torture her slumber continuously bestowed on her. Once there, she found a note sitting on the desk.

Courtney,

Had to work. Back soon.

- Jason

She observed the piece of paper momentarily, accepting it's message. He had to work; of course he had to work. She couldn't expect him to stay at home all the time. He'd done enough of that already. Thinking about that made her wonder just how much work he'd missed already so he could be there. She hated to be a burden on his life. But on the other hand, the way Carly talked about it told her his job was dangerous. So maybe it was better for him to miss it.

She shook her head a the thoughts, it was his job. He could do it if he wanted to. It certainly wasn't her place to try and take that from him.. Besides, it wasn't a horrible change to not have him constantly worrying about her. It could be good for her to have some time to herself. But then again, being alone meant-

"Damn it." she said aloud. She couldn't even decide how she felt about the simple situation of being home while he worked.

She had to do something. Sitting alone, stewing in the frustrating tangles of her mind. There had to be something that she could do. What had she done before while he worked? Did she have a job? Even if she had, she doubted that they would be willing to give it back to her, or that she could even still do it. She sighed and looked around the place, for something she might be able to do. The place was simple, nothing much to it. She like that generally, but it didn't provide her with any ideas of how to spend her time. Her eyes stopped as they fell onto the table that stood out in the room.

Using her hands, she pushed herself off the couch and walked over to it. She took in the shining wood frame and let her hand run along the green felt that covered it. The fifteen balls lay at one end in the triangular pattern with the isolated cue ball directly across the table from them. She remembered waking up one morning, hearing the balls clack together from the stairs and seeing Jason bent over the table, stick in hand. She'd watched in silence, noting how he concentrated on the activity and admiring his features as he controlled the game. But of course, he stopped immediately once he noticed she was there.

She heard the door open and turned around at the now familiar sound of his boots against the floor. He walked through the living room and stopped once he caught sight of her.

"You're up." he said to her.

"Yeah, for a little while now." she replied with a small smile.

He stepped closer to her and she welcomed the small amount of contact that came from him gently running his hand up and down her arm. She noticed he was watching his action with a deep contemplation. There was something he was thinking about, and it probably had to do with her. His eyes finally traveled back up to hers and she felt she was about to find out whatever it was that was on his mind. His hand stopped moving and just settled against her skin as he spoke to her.

"You had a nightmare last night?" he said, a mixture of a statement and a question. She only nodded to answer him, knowing there was probably more than just that. "How bad?"

"It, you know, it left it's mark." she said, looking down to the floor.

"You want to tell me about it?"

"It's just a dream, nothing to read in to." she dismissed. "Besides, I barely remember it anyway."

Jason nodded his head, though he knew she wasn't being completely honest with him. She was as horrible a liar as ever. He didn't push it, deciding she could tell him when she was ready. His eyes looked past her to the table and got an idea. He walked over to his favorite piece of furniture, and leaned against it looking at her.

"You up for it?" he asked, causing her to look at him quizzically.

"For what?" he nodded his head to the pool table, answering her question. "Really."

"Sure." he said with a smile. "Come on, it'll be fun."

"Ok." she said. Watching him as he positioned himself and made the break. She took the wooden stick as he held it out for her. She laughed lightly, as she did so. "You're gonna have to teach me."

"That's the fun part." he replied, teasingly before waving her over. "Come here."

The woman closed the space between them as he asked. He put her back against his chest and ran his hands down her arms until they covered hers. She could feel his heart beating against her as they stood touching. His body guided hers into the same stance he'd been in previously. They stood fitting into one another like two pieces of the same puzzle.

As his hands lay over hers, instructing and directing, Courtney wondered if he felt the electricity that she did. Having his body pressed closely against hers, she was barely able to focus on the task. With his hands resting atop hers, the cue was pulled back and struck the ball. The plain, white ball traveled forward, knocking a few of the others around.

"That wasn't bad." she stated, looking at her work.

"Perfect." he said softly.

Courtney turned to see his deep blue eyes fixed on her. She couldn't help but stare back into them. As she did, she suddenly felt her senses heighten. Feeling his body against hers, indulging in his scent; every touch and feeling she had was coming at her more powerful than before.

The minimal space between them became nonexistent once their lips met. The feel of his soft pillows was more powerful than anything she could have ever imagined. The sound of the pool cue hitting the ground went unnoticed by either as Jason dropped the forgotten accessory. With both his hands now free, they went quickly to her hips. Her breath caught in her chest as he lifted her onto the table.

Then his lips were on hers again. She was feeling herself become increasingly lost in him. Soon, he was on the table as well, hovering over her. His chest barely touched hers, teasing her body with promises of contact. Her hands slid under his shirt, savoring the feel of his sculpted body. It was when she attempted to take it off that he pulled back.

"We can't." he whispered breathlessly.

"Yes, we can." she said, placing another kiss on his lips.

"No," he said, reluctantly pulling away from her. "I'm sorry, I can't."

"What?" she asked, sitting up on the felt. "Why not?"

He ran his hand through his hair once he stood on the floor again.

"I have to work." he said regretfully.

"But you just came back."

"I know, I know. I came to check on you; see how you were doing after last night." he explained.

"Oh." she replied, getting down as well. "I'm fine. Nothing to worry about, I was just a little shaken up by it. So you can go do whatever you have to do."

"I'm sorry." he apologized again, knowing he'd upset her.

"Don't worry about it, there's nothing to be sorry for." she told him, clearing her through before continuing. "You should get back to work, I don't want to keep you."

Jason sighed at her words. He wished he could've continued what they'd been doing. But he had already missed a lot of work since everything happened. The man had to stretch it to take the time to come home to see her. What he should have anticipated was losing himself in her, and because he did he was upsetting her now.

"I'll be back as soon as possible." he promised, to which she nodded.

His heart felt unbearably heavy within his chest. He didn't want to leave, but there were things that needed to be done and unfortunately for the moment, he was the best person to do them. While he made her that promise, he promised himself that he would make it up for both of them. That being all he could do, Jason left.

The door closed and he was gone back to do whatever it was that they felt necessary to keep from her. And she was alone again. But this time felt different; worse. Because, only minutes ago, she was at the top of the world on a simple pool table. Then it ended and she'd returned to the bottom rung. Maybe it wasn't the fact that he'd left that got to her. Maybe it was the reason he came in the first place.

To check on her. To make sure she was ok.

Why wouldn't he need to check on her? Someone had to, right? Somebody had to check in on the helpless invalid. She certainly couldn't take care of herself.

She hated the negative thoughts that sped freely through her head. But as much as she hated them, she had to ask if they were truthful. Maybe they did think she was helpless; that she couldn't be trusted to be on her own for more than five seconds. Everything would be so much easier if she had something to go on, something to start building her life from.

If she had that, just one brief flicker of who she used to be, maybe she could work to become that person again. All it took was just the right thing to trigger, and she might get to see and feel at least part of who Courtney Matthews was. Even if it hurt. God, did it hurt. However, she would go through that voluntarily if it meant she could feel, at least partly normal; partly human. She'd dealt with the skull splitting pain on two agonizing occasions and all she gained from it was a glimpse of Jason driving in a storm, and some sort of attack in the park. Nothing that seemed helpful at all. Even if they were truly memories.

She recalled over hearing the doctor speaking to everyone in the hall that day. The day that she woke up to strangers and a life she didn't know. She heard the female doctor tell the group her many faults.

Flashback

"Is there a chance she'll remember?" the woman asked the million dollar question.

"The mind is a complex thing. There's a chance she can remember, but there's an even greater chance that her subconscious will simply make up memories as a way to explain things or feel whole." he answered. "But you should prepare yourself for the very real possibility that this is permanent."

"So you're basically saying is-" Carly began but was cut off by the blue eyed man who had remained silent until that point.

"Brain damage."

End

Courtney shook her head angrily at the memory. Brain damage. That's what they said. That any memories she had would probably just be made up. A pathetic creation by her inadequate mind. She couldn't even trust herself.

"Brain damage."

Unable to control the rage she felt flowing through her veins, the blonde gripped one of the heavy balls off the table. With a scream of fury, Courtney whirled around and launched it viciously at no specific target. She turned back around, placing her hands on the edge of the table and leaned against it. Letting her head hang, she tried to calm herself down. Her breaths were coming out heavy and she found her knuckles turning sheet white from the force she held on the table.

"Did I miss something?"